Long time

[Ronnie33]

I checked on this forum months ago and it was down. I thought it was gone for good.

 

It’s nice to see a lot of the same names still here. I also see so many new ones. I wish I could help all the new ones but you will all have to learn on your own, just like some of us veterans here have.

 

For the newbies, I had a 5 year affair. My back story is all there if you want to read. It was emotional and physical and some of the darkest times of my life.

 

All affairs have one thing in common, and that is the cheating, but they are not by any means all the same. Some are so typical and I can read here and instantly roll my eyes and say “that MM is the typical cake eater who has no plans to leave his wife but will lie and tell AP whatever it takes to keep it going.

There are the serial cheaters who seek out affairs because they love the newness and excitement of a new relationship and continually switch affair partners to keep it going.

Then there are the MM or MW who really do fall in love with their AP but are petrified of leaving the stability of their family and life and starting over.

 

What do all three of these have in common? None of them are leaving their marriages to be with you. Affairs are all a huge waste of time and heart break unless you go into the affair just wanting sex and no feelings. Even then it usually doesn’t stay that way for both people.

 

I loved my AP and I know he loved me. I was a MW when it started and he was casually dating someone. We were great friends who fell foreachother during a very dark time for both of us....The perfect storm. It wasnÂ’t planned at all, we both just needed someone. Had we had known the hell that would come I know I would have run the other way. He says he wouldn’t change it at all but I definitely would.

 

He got engaged during our affair and I got divorced. He then also got married. Then our affair continued on and off for two more years.

 

The affair is over now and at the end I said some really mean things. He asked if I was saying it to push him away for good and maybe I was. I think it was all the anger at myself for staying this whole time and I just projected it by blaming him.

 

He never promised me anything and we never future faked. We were great friends throughout the affair. Losing the friendship was the hardest part for us.

5 years is along time, you become dependent on eachother. We had sex maybe 5 times a year but we saw each other weekly.

 

I am the most confident I have ever been now. Physically, mentally, career wise.

I think a lot of it has to do with knowing I can do better. I can find another man to take me out, have sex, make me laugh. I don’t need to settle for weekly hidden meet ups, secret conversations, lonely nights at home while he’s with his wife. No thanks. When I was at my darkest point of this affair I had lost 30 pounds and was at a size 0. I looked terrible and everyone thought I was sick.

The stress and depression was eating me alive. I look at pictures from that time and get sad. My son is 10 now and I was so distracted during so many things because I was so focused mentally on my affair.

 

This summer I took two beach vacations, one with my son and one with friends and also went on a cruise with my family. My goal now is to give my son the best of me because thats what he deserves.

 

If you are still reading, thanks for listening.

 

I wish you all the best.

Edited August 3, 2018 by Ronnie33

[brigit87]

 

When I was at my darkest point of this affair I had lost 30 pounds and was at a size 0. I looked terrible and everyone thought I was sick.

 

 

Were you depressed right before the affair?

[Ronnie33]

My marriage was falling apart, my husband had a very bad problem that put us in financial trouble and our son was young. I was very unhappy but I was not depressed.

[John J]

Hi Ronnie I read your post and something about it makes me think about my 2/3 month old relationship with a MW.I posted my story and received plenty of advice but your story is making me second guess my view of things working out for us. I am sitting home all alone and after feeling pretty good I am rethinking this whole relationship,can't really call it that can I. I am beginning to truly believe love isn't enough.I wish I was strong enough to walk away.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Hi Ronnie. I remember you from the old days here, circa 2015. I take it that you have hopefully moved on and are not longer in contact with him?

 

You are right, affairs are a really big waste of your life and usually end in nothing but heartache. I also was at the thinnest point in my life during my A and the immediate afterwards, due to extreme misery. It took me years to recover - years lost from my life and as you mentioned, my time with my children. My marriage is better today but boy, what a price to pay.

 

Today I delight in the ordinary. No real drama or things to occupy my mind other than the typical things people think about - the weather, the price of bread, why did 4 boxes from Staples arrive today and exactly how many school supplies does a child need.....it's so wonderful. I will never, ever go back to getting involved with someone married again.

[Ronnie33]

Hi Ronnie. I remember you from the old days here, circa 2015. I take it that you have hopefully moved on and are not longer in contact with him?

 

You are right, affairs are a really big waste of your life and usually end in nothing but heartache. I also was at the thinnest point in my life during my A and the immediate afterwards, due to extreme misery. It took me years to recover - years lost from my life and as you mentioned, my time with my children. My marriage is better today but boy, what a price to pay.

 

Today I delight in the ordinary. No real drama or things to occupy my mind other than the typical things people think about - the weather, the price of bread, why did 4 boxes from Staples arrive today and exactly how many school supplies does a child need.....it's so wonderful. I will never, ever go back to getting involved with someone married again.

 

Midnight, you were always one of my favorites. You are very non judgmental like and pull no punches also. I know you went through hell to get over your EXMM.

I remember what an asshat he was and I’m so happy you are past him. Yes it is totally over with my exap. I am dating and enjoying it. I have no bad wishes for my exap, I just wish I would have valued myself sooner.

[FMW]

Ronnie how long did it take you to stop wanting him and missing him?

 

My affair lasted for more than 3 years, I think (hope) it's truly over this time, but everything reminds me of him - the first few years we spent a lot of time together because I was going through a divorce and he was separated from his wife. So lots of overnights, long weekends, and a few road trips out of town. Places, things, pretty much everything in my home, even things about ME remind me of him.

 

How did you get him out of your head?

[Ronnie33]

Ronnie how long did it take you to stop wanting him and missing him?

 

My affair lasted for more than 3 years, I think (hope) it's truly over this time, but everything reminds me of him - the first few years we spent a lot of time together because I was going through a divorce and he was separated from his wife. So lots of overnights, long weekends, and a few road trips out of town. Places, things, pretty much everything in my home, even things about ME remind me of him.

 

How did you get him out of your head?

 

I still miss him, but I have learned that missing him doesn’t mean anything but that. If I reached out we would go back to the same thing and I don’t want that. I Miss him but I don’t want the affair anymore. I also say date other people

and have a busy social life when my son is with his father.

 

Being desired by other good looking men really does help. For so long I thought he was the best I could ever get. Out connection was so amazing and blah blah. Our connection was great but I hang out with other men and have a great time now also. He isn’t the only one.

Edited August 4, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[sandylee1]

I remember your story. Glad the affair is finally over for you and you're dating.

 

In fact I remembered you just the other day when I read something similar on another forum. I too thought the shack was gone for good and haven't really been able to get back into it, due to the long absence.

 

Jane's boyfriend is going on a two week vacation and will be uncontactable due to poor phone service.

 

She notices he's on WhatsApp and becomes suspicious and does some digging.

 

That 2 week holiday was him gettimg married and being on honeymoon. She's seen the wedding photos on FB of the happy couple.

 

The only difference is Jane didn't know she was the OW.

 

Regarding your AP...I find it hard to believe he loved his wife never mind you tbh.

 

I can't wrap my head around the sort of person who proposes, organises a wedding with his fiancee, has his friends and family in attendance ..and then takes vows including fidelity to the woman he supposedly loves while actively cheating.

 

Good luck with the dating anyway. We live and learn.

[Ronnie33]

Regarding your AP...I find it hard to believe he loved his wife never mind you tbh.

 

I can't wrap my head around the sort of person who proposes, organises a wedding with his fiancee, has his friends and family in attendance ..and then takes vows including fidelity to the woman he supposedly loves while actively cheating.

 

Good luck with the dating anyway. We live and learn.

 

I found that hard to believe too. I kept thinking “how much can he really love her if he’s beeb cheating on her the whole time” the truth is he loved himself.

 

Thank you....I’m loving dating.

Edited August 4, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[grass-hopper]

Hi Ronnie. Thank you for taking the time to write this post. Reading it has given me some hope on having a life and being happy and enjoying my children and me without MM.

 

Today I delight in the ordinary. No real drama or things to occupy my mind other than the typical things people think about - the weather, the price of bread, why did 4 boxes from Staples arrive today and exactly how many school supplies does a child need.....it's so wonderful. I will never, ever go back to getting involved with someone married again.

 

MidnightBlue, this is exactly the life I wish to live. Ordinary. And happy with simple life things and no real drama or heartache. It feels thats the only way I had been living in my affair and I don’t want to anymore. It feels like there’s no other way to live or I’ll never feel otherwise but this gives me hope.

[MidnightBlue1980]

 

MidnightBlue, this is exactly the life I wish to live. Ordinary. And happy with simple life things and no real drama or heartache. It feels thats the only way I had been living in my affair and I don’t want to anymore. It feels like there’s no other way to live or I’ll never feel otherwise but this gives me hope.

 

Yeah, you don't realize or appreciate how nice ordinary life is until you are basically living in your own version of a Lifetime movie or Housewives episode. Once you are out of all that, you have to guard it. There are always people who will drag you into some sort of drama, whether its another affair or just whatever craziness is going on. Sometimes that means cutting people out of your life but you do what you have to do to protect - and keep - your new reality.

[sandylee1]

the truth is he loved himself.

 

Thank you....I’m loving dating.

 

You nailed it 100% with that. He loved himself.

[Grey Cloud]

Hi Ronnie, I remember you. When I saw your name I was hoping for the exact update you provided! I’m glad you could finally let go and move on with your life.

 

How long have you been in NC? Does he try and reach out? What would you say was different this time around that got you to finally stick with it?

[Ronnie33]

GreyCloud, We’ve been NC for four months. I still miss him but I don’t let that pull me back like I used to. I know if I called him now he would be right there. So for my benefit and his I stay away. He knew I wanted to date other man and hated the idea but knew he couldn’t do anything about it.

 

This was for the best.

[BenchCoach]

Why do I get the sense that this is not over. If you were really intent on moving on, you'd delete any and all way of communicating.

 

I don't know but this "thing" you guys had is just on the back burner for now... at least that's what it seems like.

[Ronnie33]

Email was our way of communicating. He would never randomly text me and risk the chance I might be around someone else. I ended it with him, I’m not waiting for him to contact me. I’m dating and going out with other men.

 

I still love him but I also still love my ex husband.

 

It’s history.