Finally Hoping to Get a Job

[CaliforniaGirl]

So all these years down the road, my kids are growing up a little and I may have a way to obtain after-school care for my special needs son. (He doesn't qualify for any of the school after-programs anymore as he has aged out.)

 

I haven't been able to afford to leave. That's been the problem this entire time.

 

I'm terrified because I have no idea what kind of low-paying job I can possibly find, after all these years (technically) not working (I do freelance). And at 50. I just don't know. But with the cost of daycare out of the equation I may have more of a fighting chance.

 

I don't know what's going to happen. I doubt my husband will believe it's finally for real. He may fight to keep the kids. If so then I'll have to let go of that. I just have to.

 

I am 99% sure he's cheating, or else permanently deranged, because at this point we have sex like a few times a year. I'm not ugly by far so it's not that and anyway...this has been a problem since the beginning of our marriage. Before that we saw eachother only once a month (I know, my fault marrying someone on this basis) and did have sex during those times so I had no idea. He's addicted to his hand, OR he's effing someone else. NOBODY can go without sex, with a warm body right THERE, for about 360 days a year or more.

 

I feel like this will kill my kids, they are so protected, have always lived in just one place, etc. I don't know...Right now they're 15 (but with special needs, functionally very young, intellectually about 1st-2nd grade) and 12.

 

I don't know why I'm posting this, or what I'm asking.

 

I am so so so so so scared. How will we eat??

[Mr. Lucky]

 

I am so so so so so scared. How will we eat??

 

CG, have you spoken to an attorney? Your husband's financial obligations to you and your kids don't end with separation and/or divorce so you certainly won't starve. Rather than worry, might be good to better understand your options...

 

Mr. Lucky

[CaliforniaGirl]

I haven't yet...It's such a big step. That's "it" then. You know?

[DKT3]

I haven't yet...It's such a big step. That's "it" then. You know?

 

No, that's not it. The only way you can make the best decision is to know the circumstances. Going to an attorney does not mean you have to file. Just go find out what it would look like money wise.

 

But I'll be honest, it doesn't sound like you want to divorce, sounds like you want intimacy with your husband.

[CaliforniaGirl]

Thanks very much. I researched attorneys and have found one to call.

[preraph]

Okay, calm down and think. Your husband does NOT want to take care of the kids 24/7, so your fear he'll take them from you is ridiculous.

 

However, you should demand in court that he take 50% custody. Now, the other choice is divorce him and he has to pay more child support since you have stayed at home and done the bulk of the child rearing. So you would keep the house and still get money from him.

 

But as I mentioned, the other choice is to make him take 50 percent custody so you can work and be independent. You'd both have to pay for the child's expenses and both of your work will be somewhat interrupted by kid stuff like them getting sick. But if you try to get full custody and work, that likely will not work out because you might not be able to be at work enough to keep your job. But if he has them three and a half days a week, you have time to sleep, work, shop, cook, and breathe. And it's his responsibility.

 

Obviously, first you need to see what kind of job you can get having been out of the workplace so long. You really can't plan which path to take until you see what kind of money you can make. It takes a LOT to live on. If you're both working, both of your salaries will be taken into consideration in court as to who pays what percentage.

 

But you must have a good family law attorney to handle this. And that alone is a big expense. But you can see an attorney and put a plan in place and pay him after division of assets. If you do joint custody, your home may be sold if it's worth some money. So you both might end up downsizing into a smaller and maybe not as nice of a place. Because you'll each have to afford it on your own.

 

The other thing is if you have any relatives or old friends who would consider sharing space with you. i realize this may be impractical with the special needs kiddos, but it's worth just mulling over.

 

See an attorney first, make a plan. Remember if you don't share custody, you won't have time to work or do anything and yet, he'll be a carefree bachelor. So make him do his half.