Struggling with a breakup

[Gingerbaker]

Hi all. New member here! *waves*

 

I'm struggling with the breakup from my girlfriend; and subsequent things that have occurred.

 

Back story: we got together three years ago, both having come recently out of other relationships. We clicked instantly and moved in together after about 12 months. We shared an amazing couple of years, including getting engaged last year; I thought she was the one!

Just before Christmas '17 she sat me down and told me that her feelings had changed and she didn't know if she still wanted to be with me. I tried to take it calmly and explain that it might just be the three year 'rut' and maybe if we could work with each other that we could get through it. We agreed to get through the Christmas period and see where we were. At this point we also moved house to be somewhat closer to my work; however, it was clear that we were drifting apart and things were not the same. I was willing to keep working at the relationship but was not getting the same impression from her. We had stopped sleeping together since September and the emotional intimacy had also seemed to have gone.

 

Finally in April we agreed that it was not working and that we were both unhappy, and that we should split. I didn't really want to split, but thought that maybe some time apart would help us 'reset'. I really loved her and wanted her to be happy. I moved out and kinda coped ok for the first few weeks, then I believe I became crazy! I really regret what I did, such as texting her family, telling her that we should get back together and all the needy stuff

 

I found out a few weeks after we split that she was sleeping with someone else from near her work and was devastated; seeing as she had told me when we split that she was not looking for anything with anyone else and was happy to be single for a while. That 'relationship' has now ended; as apparently he was very into her and wanted to make it official. Unintentionally I found out the other day as I was collecting the last of my things from the house that she has been on a course of anti-STI pills which has really upset me because I still care.

 

She has said to me and laid it on the line 'we're never going to get back together, I don't feel the same way anymore, it's not something I think about'. She also said she's going to open an online dating profile. I'm in NC at the moment, save brief polite messages about the house that she is now moving out of, where I have a few things to sort out, she's very angry with me at the moment because I made the stupid mistake of telling her the other week that I feel we'll get back together :/

 

I'm at the point now where I can only take her at her word, and try to move on as best I can; but struggling with the little bit of my brain that hopes that this is just a 'phase' that she needs to have fun for a while and that we got too comfortable too soon. I still love and care for her (don't think I'm in love with her) and don't want to see her hurt etc; and would like to think that I have learned a lot about myself and maybe could be a better partner for her in the future. I think she's struggling too, and maybe seeking to heal that pain by "lillypadding" around other men.

 

Can you folks give me some advice on how to keep on coping? It's complicated by the fact we have a dog who I miss dearly and would love to able to see again, but seeing as we're barely on speaking terms I doubt that very much.

[Gingerbaker]

Coming back to say that writing all the above was very cathartic and has kinda allowed me to see that I had her on a pedestal maybe? I feel like she's very confused and or guilty, as well as angry. I'm feeling like either we'll get back together some day, or that someday soon I'll wake up and not want that. Either situation would be a relief!

[steve761]

Well what I feel is coz it was a rebound relationship for the both of you, it seems to be taking a toll on her at the moment as she wasn’t completely over her ex. She needed a shoulder so helped her then and I feel it wasn’t actually a feeling based but rather emotional attachment which generally happens when you are coming out of a break up.

Well if it works out then you should keep it. Take some time out, take up a new hobby work on yourself, give her sometime to figure out. If she genuinely feels for you she’ll come back but waiting and hoping that she’ll return makes zero sense. Work on yourself and she’ll notice it. Do it for yourself.

There’s a saying THEY DON’T MISS YOU WHEN YOU ARE GONE, THEY MISS YOU WHEN YOU ARE DOING BETTER THAN BEFORE.

Keep working hard mate and enjoy your life and don’t think it’s the end of the world.

[Gingerbaker]

Thanks Steve. When I said it was a rebound that we got together; I believe that we were both over our previous partners; and didn't use each other to get over them if that makes sense; just that we got together very quickly after the previous relationships.

 

I'm doing ok; I've stopped using social media, in my crazy phase I would post every couple of days hoping she'd see it and reach out. Turns out she was busy with the other guy huh!

 

I'm working on plans for opening my own business, and changing my look a bit, refreshing my wardrobe etc. I don't want folk to think I'm doing this to win her back, I'm doing it because I can and why not!

 

Cheers

[ExpatInItaly]

I'm sorry you're in this position, OP.

 

How old are you both? It appears to me that she's just not ready to settle down and realized that marriage is not in the cards for her at this point in her life. Alarm bells should have been clanging when the sex dried up in September; what was her reasoning for that? (I am assuming it her that was avoiding it, but correct me if I'm wrong) If she's sleeping with other guys now yet your relationship had been devoid of sex for a long time, it's a sign that something was emotionally very wrong between the two of you. I don't mean that it's your fault, to be perfectly clear, but this was a woman who was emotionally very checked out of your relationship and the lack of sexual intimacy was a reflection of that.

 

As such, I don't think she's trying to heal her hurt by "lillypadding" with different men. I say that because it appears she wanted the relationship to be over, so this strikes me more as her just having some fun, albeit perhaps rather recklessly. It would best for you to know as little as possible about this. Whatever her reasoning, it's her business.

 

Your best bet would be to work towards acceptance that it didn't work out, and continue healing. This wasn't a sudden break-up. It had been brewing for months, indicating she had plenty of time to think about her decision. I know it's very painful, but one day when you're healed, you will remember how wonderful love can be when the right woman enters your life.

[Gingerbaker]

Thanks Expat. I’m 29, she’s 31.

 

Re the sex drying up: I thought it was just a rut we were in, the typical three year dip? I wasn’t particularly bothered by it because I thought we’d work through it; whereas I think for her it was more important.

 

Of course it’s none of my business; and i’m trying not to get to involved too much, however reckless she is. I just know I care about her and don’t want to see her hurt.

[ExpatInItaly]

Thanks Expat. I’m 29, she’s 31.

 

Re the sex drying up: I thought it was just a rut we were in, the typical three year dip? I wasn’t particularly bothered by it because I thought we’d work through it; whereas I think for her it was more important.

 

Of course it’s none of my business; and i’m trying not to get to involved too much, however reckless she is. I just know I care about her and don’t want to see her hurt.

 

I'm curious why you think a dip or rut is typical at three years. Where did you get that specific time-frame?

 

Sure, sex often slows down in relationships, but to dry up for months on end is a significant warning sign that something is wrong. Did you not specifically ask her what was up?

[Gingerbaker]

I'm curious why you think a dip or rut is typical at three years. Where did you get that specific time-frame?

 

Sure, sex often slows down in relationships, but to dry up for months on end is a significant warning sign that something is wrong. Did you not specifically ask her what was up?

 

I didn’t. I feel very regretful about that; I think I assumed sex was a result of a relationship rather than a cause? Whereas I think she is the opposite.

[Gingerbaker]

I'm curious why you think a dip or rut is typical at three years. Where did you get that specific time-frame?

 

Sure, sex often slows down in relationships, but to dry up for months on end is a significant warning sign that something is wrong. Did you not specifically ask her what was up?

 

Thought I'd come back again to this today; bit calmer now. I don't really know; just kinda from speaking to my support network I think?

 

I'm finding it quite hard to reconcile that I thought she was the one; I really genuinely loved that girl and was planning to spend the rest of my life with her. I know I pushed too much since we split, and held on to what was in her eyes, dead. Is it wise to take comfort in the belief that if she is the one, she will come back?

[d0nnivain]

It's not just a phase & she is not coming back. You will not begin to heal until you accept that & give up the false hope you are clinging too. She's already with somebody else. This is particularly difficult because you were engaged. You two have to keep some contact while cancelling the wedding plans, returning any gifts you got & selling the house. All other subjects are off limits. When you close your business together, take some time to grieve the loss, then start your healing process in earnest.

[ExpatInItaly]

Thought I'd come back again to this today; bit calmer now. I don't really know; just kinda from speaking to my support network I think?

 

I'm finding it quite hard to reconcile that I thought she was the one; I really genuinely loved that girl and was planning to spend the rest of my life with her. I know I pushed too much since we split, and held on to what was in her eyes, dead. Is it wise to take comfort in the belief that if she is the one, she will come back?

 

No, it's not wise to approach the break-up like this. It keeps people suspended in false hope. I know it's hard to resist coming back to that thought, just to keep yourself from losing your sanity, but it usually does more harm than good.

 

If she was the one, she wouldn't have checked out months ago. Speaking from experience having been in a similar situation many years ago (though I was in her shoes, rather than yours) this break-up is likely going to stick. There were several warning signs that she wasn't into it anymore, and what happened after the break-up isn't entirely relevant. Don't beat yourself for pushing to much after she already ended it.

 

In the future, if you notice a woman pulling back, communicate with her. Find out what's up. I have to admit it baffles me that you never raised the issue of her not wanting sex anymore, and that you think a months-long drought is typical in a relationship, especially when you've only been together three years. I don't know who your support network is, but it sounds to me like they didn't want to alarm you by admitting that it's not a good sign.

[Gingerbaker]

I understand that. I just find it very hard to accept that she's never coming back. I guess I need to recognise that whatever I feel, is not reciprocated. Could do with some tips and help on getting over her. Like I already said, I thought she was the one and will take responsibility for the lack of communication.

[Gingerbaker]

It's not just a phase & she is not coming back. You will not begin to heal until you accept that & give up the false hope you are clinging too. She's already with somebody else. This is particularly difficult because you were engaged. You two have to keep some contact while cancelling the wedding plans, returning any gifts you got & selling the house. All other subjects are off limits. When you close your business together, take some time to grieve the loss, then start your healing process in earnest.

 

It is indeed very difficult. FWIW; she has ended the other relationship; and that just gives me more hope that we could reconcile.

[d0nnivain]

Riddle me this: why would you want to reconcile?

 

This woman cost you a fortune. When you can cancel wedding plans you don't get your money back. When you have to move after selling a house you incur costs. So not only can't you trust her with your heart -- she threw it away once -- you can't trust her to make sound financial decisions. For her to come back now after she's had a whole other fling would only show me that she either doesn't know her own mind or she's settling for you. Have enough self respect to not accept such low treatment.

[Gingerbaker]

Because I’m young and naive enough to assume that love will always prevail. I haven’t stopped loving her. Starting to realise there’s also another ingredient: the will to make it work. That’s clearly and outstandingly obviously missing from her end.

Edited August 6, 2018 by Gingerbaker

[fromheart]

You have to be a bit more hardcore when women don't want you around anymore, otherwise they see you as weak and become very cruel.

 

You cant work on it by being around her, when her feelings have changed and she's not even sleeping with you. She was having sex with the other man for longer than she's saying I'm afraid. It always happens this way.

 

 

Always, always get out of there as soon as she even hints at her feelings changing. Disappear, complete NC. That's working on things, and the only way to work on things. Its giving her a gift as Corey Wayne says, The gift of missing you.

 

Yet after she's been banging someone else, probably more than one person, you STILL talk about getting back. She now sees you as lacking self esteem, weak and needy. No man would take this sort of abuse. It shatters her memories of you.

 

A woman goes with a man because she feels his strength, weak and needy behavior post break up shows him as weak. It reinforces her decision that she's done the right thing by ending it.

 

Sorry for the harsh advice, I played the game like you once. Its a life of misery. Walk away, NC. Date other women. Always deal with her 'my feelings have changed,' that way. You can make yourself feel a lot better by applying this right now. Tell her that you'd like to get all the house stuff sorted out as soon as possible.

You'll be out as you are busy, so you'll be boxing her stuff and leaving it in the garage/mutual friends house/her family house. Then NC.

 

You'll usually get a follow up call from her, as alpha male behavior always reels them back in so that they can spit you back out again. Like a cat playing with a dead mouse.

Remember, she's being angry to you and banging around to the point of getting disease. That's who she is now, maybe she was always that way. We often get to see who someone really is post break up.

 

Get yourself a non angry, STD free partner. The quicker you fully boot this one out, the happier you will be.

[FMW]

To help you move on, focus on the unhappy parts of the relationship, the negatives. Specifically, her telling you her feelings had changed, her angry behavior toward you, her having sex with other guys (it's very likely not just the one and as someone else said, for much longer than you know).

 

Don't let yourself reminisce and dwell on the good things, the happy times. That's not the reality of where tings are now.

 

It will take some time and at times you'll flip flop between feeling stronger and better and then feeling weak and sad again. But at some point you'll get through it and realize something better is waiting for you.

[Gingerbaker]

To help you move on, focus on the unhappy parts of the relationship, the negatives. Specifically, her telling you her feelings had changed, her angry behavior toward you, her having sex with other guys (it's very likely not just the one and as someone else said, for much longer than you know).

 

Don't let yourself reminisce and dwell on the good things, the happy times. That's not the reality of where tings are now.

 

It will take some time and at times you'll flip flop between feeling stronger and better and then feeling weak and sad again. But at some point you'll get through it and realize something better is waiting for you.

 

To be honest; for me at least there were no negative feelings *during* the relationship really, just the last few months whilst we were together it felt like she was pulling away and that something was missing? Sex being a big part of that obviously.

 

Her sleeping with other guys is none of my business really, I don't understand why she's doing it, but its not my concern right; just annoying for her to have said 'don't worry, I'm not looking for anyone right now, I won't be bringing guys back to the house' etc. What's gone now is the trust I had with her, she's become someone in my eyes who is not honest?

[Gingerbaker]

Long story short, my ex and I split about 5 months ago; something wasn't right in the relationship and we agreed to end it.

 

Since we broke up; I personally have regretted it and did all the classic ridiculous behaviours - begging, pleading, manipulating etc. It's now got to the point where she has blocked me everywhere possible; and I totally understand why. It's hard to know that this woman, whom I still care for immensely has ceased all contact for MY OWN GOOD. She's not doing it to be nasty or cruel, she's doing it because I have pushed and pushed and driven her insane with my behaviour. It's funny how stupid you realise you were with all those behaviours.

 

Now that being said; I know I am better than that and feel immensely regretful for being such a fool. I'd love to reconnect with her again at some point, once all this awful bad blood between us has cleared. Has anyone got any advice or opinions of how this will play out? I'd like to make it clear that whilst I don't believe I am fully over her (I don't think one ever does get fully over someone; you just learn to live with their absence) but I do not want to get back together with her anymore.

[Zahara]

Now that being said; I know I am better than that and feel immensely regretful for being such a fool. I'd love to reconnect with her again at some point, once all this awful bad blood between us has cleared. Has anyone got any advice or opinions of how this will play out? I'd like to make it clear that whilst I don't believe I am fully over her (I don't think one ever does get fully over someone; you just learn to live with their absence) but I do not want to get back together with her anymore.

 

It would be best for you to eliminate the idea of reconnecting for now and focus solely on healing, learning from this and completely moving on. This type of thinking only keeps you distracted and hopeful. At some point and with much time, you will get to a point of indifference and this may not be an issue to address anymore.

 

The best thing to do is work on what is being presented to you at this moment rather than invest the mental and emotional energy on speculating how, when, if, should, etc. The latter is a futile effort.

 

Plus, she has blocked you everywhere. She is giving you a sign that she does not want contact from you. If contact is going to be made, it has to come from her.

Edited August 28, 2018 by Zahara

[Gingerbaker]

Thanks Zahara. I'm not hopeful of reconciling or changing her mind etc, it's more that now I feel like I've woken up and can see how much of a horrible person I was to her since the split. Of course she's given me a sign; the clearest sign that she does not want to be contacted! I'd love to be able to fix that broken trust that she has for me.

[d0nnivain]

Just leave it be for now. At some point you may bump into each other. At that point you can apologize for being a pest & then have a pleasant, banal chat about nothing. That is about all the interaction you can expect from a past love interest. They simply become someone you used to know.

[Zahara]

Thanks Zahara. I'm not hopeful of reconciling or changing her mind etc, it's more that now I feel like I've woken up and can see how much of a horrible person I was to her since the split. Of course she's given me a sign; the clearest sign that she does not want to be contacted! I'd love to be able to fix that broken trust that she has for me.

 

I think that there are some things that just need to be left alone. What you take from an unfortunate and painful situation is a learning lesson. You tuck that under your arm and you move on. You don't try to clean the slate for her.

 

You don't need to earn her trust anymore. You both are going separate ways. And I truly believe it doesn't matter to her as much as it does to you because YOU are the one that is emotional and feels the need to recreate a better image of yourself in her eyes. Try not to seek validation from her anymore. I'm sure she understands why you did what you did and I hardly think she's hating you for it but rather just hoping that you heal and move on.

 

I'm sure you feel discomfort when thinking about how you handled things but you need to be kind to yourself. We've all done it at some point in our lives. Emotional situations sometimes knocks off all rational thought. The good thing is that you are self-aware and reflective enough to embrace your faults.

 

You said she had already slept with another guy after your break-up and she was about to online date. Trust me when I tell you, she's indifferent to you and isn't placing any thought about mending fences.

 

Maybe one day, when you have truly moved on and have reached some level of indifference whereby contact isn't going to affect you in an emotional way, you can try to reach out to her and apologize. But for now, you need to invest much time and energy on zero distractions except on one priority -- healing/moving on.

[Gingerbaker]

I think one of my biggest problems and strengths is that I'm a 'fixer'. I'd like to make things right between us in terms of at least being friendly if not friends. However it is very confusing that I genuinely want to do this for the sole reason of the friendship itself; but she cannot or will not allow herself to do that. I guess it's because she doesn't feel like I have moved on and would use the friendship things as a sneaky way of trying to get back together?

 

And of course there's no hatred from her, or me, I just think I allowed things to get nasty and said/did things I regret.

[Gingerbaker]

Hmm I'd like to think she'd find it within herself to forgive me, truly. I have apologised to her; but she still retains a lot of what I consider to be anger toward me.