How do I?

[KHSM92]

How do I ask my husband if we can get a divorce but still be together? Lately we’ve been arguing (a lot) and every single time he has a concern or question, I’m suppose to stop everything I’m doing and listen but as soon as I express my feelings; he flips it on me to where I’m so upset that I’m like leave me alone. Then he uses the whole “you’re breaking up with me” then he’ll post subliminal messages on social media saying “I’m single” and it’s getting me to the point where I don’t want to be married. I honestly think it’ll be better to just divorce now and try and if it doesn’t work then move on. Then the other way around, were living with his mom and I’m hesitant on moving out together and getting a lease in our name if the relationship is constantly like this. I’m stuck at home all day with the kids and his mom, literally ALL day. And he works then he wants to go out after work but refuses to invite me and he’ll pnly go out with his female co workers... makes no sense, why not invite your wife? What’s going on? I’m so confused and lost. I’ve been crying myself to sleep for months now because I want to tell him but idk how.

[Mr. Lucky]

Yours is the first thread I’ve read where someone wants to divorce their husband and then continue as roommates in his mother’s house. Doesn’t sound workable.

 

Your husband sounds like he acts more single than married. Have you discussed these specific issues with him? Between the “I’m single” posts and evenings out with other women, he seems to have one foot out the door. You may need to make your plans accordingly...

 

Mr. Lucky

[BaileyB]

It seems pretty clear to me why he doesn’t want you to come along when he is going out with his female coworkers...

 

My friend, why would you want to stay in a relationship with this much conflict and a man who treats you so poorly. I think it’s time to start exploring other options... You don’t need his permission to file for divorce. Talk to a lawyer and learn how much money you will get in child support, start looking for a job/childcare, etc... you have some big decisions to make.

 

It may be difficult to leave this man, but I have a feeling that your mental health will improve without all this conflict.

[KHSM92]

Yours is the first thread I’ve read where someone wants to divorce their husband and then continue as roommates in his mother’s house. Doesn’t sound workable.

 

Your husband sounds like he acts more single than married. Have you discussed these specific issues with him? Between the “I’m single” posts and evenings out with other women, he seems to have one foot out the door. You may need to make your plans accordingly...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

The thing is, he’s cheated on my multiple times and his excuse for cheating was that we weren’t doing so good in the relationship. I stayed because I thought I could make things better but I’m just going crazy and losing myself as a person. I’ve expressed my feelings towards what he post and then he flips it on me and saying I’m looking into it too much and then when i say “please leave me alone so I can cool down” he immidietly says “you’re breaking up with me” well I mean.. if I’m constantly “breaking up” with him then why stay married? At this point in my relationship all I see are couple things, not married couple things.

[KHSM92]

It seems pretty clear to me why he doesn’t want you to come along when he is going out with his female coworkers...

 

My friend, why would you want to stay in a relationship with this much conflict and a man who treats you so poorly. I think it’s time to start exploring other options... You don’t need his permission to file for divorce. Talk to a lawyer and learn how much money you will get in child support, start looking for a job/childcare, etc... you have some big decisions to make.

 

It may be difficult to leave this man, but I have a feeling that your mental health will improve without all this conflict

 

 

 

Long story short, I tried leaving him last year and he physically harmed me. Stole my keys, my phone, posted personal photos and information about me on all of my social media (went mia for days) then returned as if nothing happened. Took the fuses out of my car so I couldn’t use it,hit me while driving with my child inside of my car and our other child in his car then laughed about it. I’ve tried leaving, trust me I have. I have no family out here and the ones that I try to talk to or my friends refuse to help me because he’s made threats towards them as well. I’m basically staying in this relationship for my life and my children’s lives.

[Normm]

he wants to go out after work but refuses to invite me and he’ll pnly go out with his female co workers... makes no sense, why not invite your wife? What’s going on? I’m so confused and lost

 

 

It makes sense to him, he'd rather be with his female coworkers and cheat on you with other women, than be with you. You've put up with it and accepted his excuses so he has no reason to stop. Its clear from his actions to date, not understanding why you haven't figured that out.

 

 

He's made it easy for you with the physical violence and threats, there are laws to protect you. Use them.

[BaileyB]

It seems pretty clear to me why he doesn’t want you to come along when he is going out with his female coworkers...

 

My friend, why would you want to stay in a relationship with this much conflict and a man who treats you so poorly. I think it’s time to start exploring other options... You don’t need his permission to file for divorce. Talk to a lawyer and learn how much money you will get in child support, start looking for a job/childcare, etc... you have some big decisions to make.

 

It may be difficult to leave this man, but I have a feeling that your mental health will improve without all this conflict

 

 

 

Long story short, I tried leaving him last year and he physically harmed me. Stole my keys, my phone, posted personal photos and information about me on all of my social media (went mia for days) then returned as if nothing happened. Took the fuses out of my car so I couldn’t use it,hit me while driving with my child inside of my car and our other child in his car then laughed about it. I’ve tried leaving, trust me I have. I have no family out here and the ones that I try to talk to or my friends refuse to help me because he’s made threats towards them as well. I’m basically staying in this relationship for my life and my children’s lives.

 

Nope. Not good enough. The fact that he physically harmed you should be all the more reason to leave - for your safety and the safety of your children.

 

If he hurts you again, call the police. Otherwise, when he is at work call a domestic violence hotline and educate yourself - what do you need to do to prepare to leave. Go to a family member or friend if you can. Go to a women’s shelter if you need to. I know you are afraid to leave, but staying because you are scared is not a reason enough to continue living with this abusive man...

 

And why, in Gods name, did you not start with this when you wrote your post... instead, you minimized the situation by saying “I don’t understand why he won’t invite his wife when he goes out with his female coworkers...” my friend, you have HUGE issues in your marriage that will not be solved without a BIG, brave decision by you.

[BaileyB]

The thing is, he’s cheated on my multiple times and his excuse for cheating was that we weren’t doing so good in the relationship. I stayed because I thought I could make things better..

 

He cheated on you multiple times but you stayed because you thought YOU could make things better. My friend, do you not see how irrational that statement is... YOU are NOT the problem!

 

Your husband is an emotional and physical abuser. You are raising your children in a home where they witness their husband abuse their mother. That is not ok.

 

The problems is not you. But YOU, are the solution. You need to find a way to get yourself and your children to safety. Everyday you stay, you are at risk.

[BaileyB]

He's made it easy for you with the physical violence and threats, there are laws to protect you. Use them.

 

Exactly. If you family won’t help you because he has made threats against them, have they gone to the police? Why have you not filed a reaptraining order/peace bond. I know it’s hard, and increasingly scary... but, there are laws and services in place for people in your situation. Educate yourself - call a hotline/shelter, go to the police station, talk to a lawyer... Do what you need to do to keep yourself and your children safe.

[KHSM92]

He cheated on you multiple times but you stayed because you thought YOU could make things better. My friend, do you not see how irrational that statement is... YOU are NOT the problem!

 

Your husband is an emotional and physical abuser. You are raising your children in a home where they witness their husband abuse their mother. That is not ok.

 

The problems is not you. But YOU, are the solution. You need to find a way to get yourself and your children to safety. Everyday you stay, you are at risk.

 

No they have not gone to the police, I’ve told them to go but they refuse to speak to me. I’m not making excuses to stay, I had to quit my job because he didn’t want me working there. I haven’t had a job in 3 months and I’m getting unemployment and my car is broken and it’s going to cost 500 to fix. He won’t help out with the kids school supplies and whatever I’m getting is going towards their clothes and shoes.

[BaileyB]

No they have not gone to the police, I’ve told them to go but they refuse to speak to me. I’m not making excuses to stay, I had to quit my job because he didn’t want me working there. I haven’t had a job in 3 months and I’m getting unemployment and my car is broken and it’s going to cost 500 to fix. He won’t help out with the kids school supplies and whatever I’m getting is going towards their clothes and shoes.

 

I’m not trying to be tough, I just want you to recognize what he is doing because when you are in the worst of it, you may not see things for what they are. By telling you to quit your job, he has isolated you further and he has made you financially dependent on him. It’s a classic move for any abuser.

 

Are you staying with this man? If not, then here is a question for you - is there anything you can do to educate yourself and/or get some support as you consider leaving and develop your plan.

[BaileyB]

Please OP, keep posting. There are people here who will offer support and encouragement. There are many on this board who have been in your position, and left an abusive and unhappy relationship.

 

I get the sense that you are just coming to terms with some difficult things about your relationship. I get the sense that you are seeing barriers, that you are not ready to do what is required to take your children and leave the marriage. That's ok.

 

You are in a very difficult situation. It's hard, when you have been put down for so long to believe that your life could be any different - that you deserve anything different. But, you do. Your children do. And, when you are ready... I hope you will do what is required to get yourself to safety.

 

Have you considered leaving? Have you considered talking to the police or a social worker to get the help you need? What keeps you in the home?

[KHSM92]

Please OP, keep posting. There are people here who will offer support and encouragement. There are many on this board who have been in your position, and left an abusive and unhappy relationship.

 

I get the sense that you are just coming to terms with some difficult things about your relationship. I get the sense that you are seeing barriers, that you are not ready to do what is required to take your children and leave the marriage. That's ok.

 

You are in a very difficult situation. It's hard, when you have been put down for so long to believe that your life could be any different - that you deserve anything different. But, you do. Your children do. And, when you are ready... I hope you will do what is required to get yourself to safety.

 

Have you considered leaving? Have you considered talking to the police or a social worker to get the help you need? What keeps you in the home?

 

I left him some time last year and that lasted a month. Like I said earlier when I tried to leave, he stole my phone and my keys. I paid 200 to get my car key replaced and for another phone. Only for him to take that phone as well and the fuse out of my car, I was lucky enough to find an extra fuse and kept it on me Incase he tried to do it again but he found out and took the entire box. So when he was done threatening everyone on my phone and posting personal photos of me on my social media and changing my passwords on everything I booked it to the motel and stayed there for 3 weeks after staying at my friends house for a week. He was being aggressive and always threatened the kids towards me saying you’ll never see them, you’re a POS mom for leaving them. So I got a restraining order and he could only email me about the kids and it was third person to take the kids. Then my kids started telling me they hated me because their dad told them I ran away to be with some other guy and how I hate them that’s why I left. I’ve gone to the police with all of this and where I live, they do nothing. They come, talk to me and say “sounds like a civil matter” and leave. I ended up coming back because he was threatening saying I’ll never see the kids again and how better off dead I am.

[BaileyB]

I left him some time last year and that lasted a month. Like I said earlier when I tried to leave, he stole my phone and my keys. I paid 200 to get my car key replaced and for another phone. Only for him to take that phone as well and the fuse out of my car, I was lucky enough to find an extra fuse and kept it on me Incase he tried to do it again but he found out and took the entire box. So when he was done threatening everyone on my phone and posting personal photos of me on my social media and changing my passwords on everything I booked it to the motel and stayed there for 3 weeks after staying at my friends house for a week. He was being aggressive and always threatened the kids towards me saying you’ll never see them, you’re a POS mom for leaving them. So I got a restraining order and he could only email me about the kids and it was third person to take the kids. Then my kids started telling me they hated me because their dad told them I ran away to be with some other guy and how I hate them that’s why I left. I’ve gone to the police with all of this and where I live, they do nothing. They come, talk to me and say “sounds like a civil matter” and leave. I ended up coming back because he was threatening saying I’ll never see the kids again and how better off dead I am.

 

I'm so sorry. He is truly a terrible man. You don't deserve this...

 

First, I know the police have not been helpful but if he threatens your life - "you are better off dead," you need to file another report. You need to have a paper trail.

 

Second, ask the police to drive you and your children to a safe and secure location. If/when you leave, he must not know where you have gone. A women's shelter would be best - they will have resources to help you to find your way, social workers, counsellors, lawyers, etc...

 

If you are able to do it now, go and talk to a lawyer and learn what you will expect if you file for divorce. How much will he need to pay in child support, can prevent him from getting custody (again, the police reports will help), etc... Go to Legal aid if you can, or look for a lawyer who will give a free consult. Educate yourself!

 

And finally, call a domestic violence hotline. Go to a women's clinic or shelter. Talk to a social worker. They will help you to develop a plan that will get you away from this man and keep you safe!

 

How old are your children? Children are very perceptive, they usually know what's going on in their home. They are likely terrified of their father and they have been manipulated. Get them some counselling.

 

If anything, I think your first step would be to call a hotline or go to a women's shelter. They deal with these kinds of situations everyday. They know what to do. It's dangerous, but they can help you!