My grandma passed away

[Des]

I'm having a hard time right now. I feel like I just need outlets to talk about this, because I don't have anything else. I don't know what else to do. It's only been a day, and I still don't really want to believe it. It's really broken my heart into pieces.

 

My grandma and I go way back, of course. She's always been a part of my life, ever since I was a child. Grandpa had passed away years before I was born, so I only ever knew grandma. She lived alone and independently in same home where she had raised a family. She did quite okay for herself for many, many years. Grandma's house was home away from home when I was a kid. It was the place of family gatherings, holidays, etc.

 

When I got a little older, she had me start cutting grass for her, every week of the summer for years and years. She liked having me around, and I enjoyed coming around, and helping with projects around the house. We talked about everything, we would occasionally go out on the town. She would call just about every day, my mom and grandma were always very close.

 

Grandma always had really good health, although most of her family did not and many had passed before her. People were often impressed at how well she got around and could take care of herself, even into her 80s. She was still quite sharp, capable and independent. She had back problems for many years, but never any major diseases or disabilities. Then about 5 years ago, she started to develop Alzheimer's, and it gradually became worse to the point that it was unsafe for her to be living alone. Unfortunately, the inevitable happened and she had a fall at home. After that, she lost all independence. She needed around the clock care, and a home was the only option.

 

She was never all that happy to be put in a place like that, but by that point she was quite confused over where she was, or even the events of the day. Half the time she didn't realize she wasn't at her house. As confused as she was, she never once forgot about any of us.

 

Unfortunately, living in a nursing home takes it's toll on anyone. Her physical health only went down-hill as she stayed there. She could no longer eat regular food and needed a special diet. She had recently celebrated her 92nd birthday. Her health, while not so great seemed to be stable as ever. I guess we had all sort of taken for granted this idea that she'd always be around. At the very least, we didn't suspect anything was going terribly wrong. Mom had visited her the day before, and she seemed fine. She was alert, talking, and behaving as normal. Then we got a call yesterday, she had passed away. It was a shock.

 

I already miss her terribly, and there's been this tidal wave of memories that have all come flooding back into my head, of all the things in my life that remind me of grandma, and the impact that she made on me. I also feel so terrible for mom. I know that she has missed her father for so many years. But, she's always had grandma still around. The fact that she lost her so gradually, is just so sad, that it literally hurts me with physical pain in my chest to think about it. In a way, we were watching her slowly slip away for a number of years. I didn't know it, but mom had gone up to visit her again just shortly after getting the bad news. She just sat in the room there with grandma for a bit, but grandma wasn't really there anymore. It just tears me apart to think of how lonesome that must have felt.

 

Mom doesn't have any support system other than me, and her sister who lives out of state. No one else was nearly as close to grandma as us. A lot of the family is already passed and gone. Mom's health is also not good, and I worry about her a lot, too.

 

It's just hard to take in what has happened. I don't want to accept it, I feel bad about the circumstances of the past several years, not visiting more. I feel like her passing was not natural, I want to blame the staff. How can she be fine one day, then pass away the next with no known ailments? I suspect through carelessness, they allowed her to choke or something like that. Since it had happened right around lunch time. I'm sure that no one is going to look into the cause. We're just going to accept that this has happened, and not ask questions. Not that I would expect anyone to ever admit to any wrong doing.

 

Grandma's passing will never sit right with me. We didn't expect it, and we can't really explain it. It would be different if we knew ahead of time that this was coming, but we didn't. No one really had a chance to say our goodbyes, it's like she was just taken from us.

 

Life is not the same without grandma around, and it never will be again. I feel a part of me has died. I find it hard to concentrate and my mind never stops thinking of her and the sadness of yesterday. I feel spiritually drained. I don't want to go back to facing the mundane again. I've had my fill of everything right now, and I'm just tired of it all. Life is too short and fragile not to focus on the fact that it's short and fragile. Despite everything we do in our lives, we only matter to a select few people in the end, and that's all that counts.

[OpenBook]

I'm so terribly sorry for your loss. She sounds like she was a very special lady. You're both so richly blessed to have had that kind of close relationship. You gave each other so many precious gifts.

 

You say you feel like a part of you has died with her. Yes it probably has - but don't forget, you are walking around with her DNA coursing through your veins - and in your bone marrow, your toenails, hair follicles, your memories, and everywhere else. She is (and will always be) a big part of you.

 

If she were here right now, what would she say to you to comfort you?

 

Everything you said in your OP are completely normal reactions to such a devastating loss of a beloved grandmother. I hope you will be gentle with yourself and take all the time you need to grieve, and process it, let it out.

[Madd_hatter]

Sorry for your loss. August 2nd made 8 years since my grandpa passed away. The first few months were really hard. I was also very close with my grandpa. We were always together. He got sick in like 2000, he has a major stroke. My grandfather was the sharpest smartest man I knew. After he got sick he changed and became so dependent on others. Finally in 2010 he succumbed to lung cancer. I still think of him and miss him. But it doesn’t hurt as much. Although I saw a Home video and seeing him talk and all made me cry my eyes out. But it gets better. Life goes on.

 

What made me feel better when he first passed was thinking how he was in heaven and knowing that he was watching me. It was so comforting.

 

Best wishes to you and my condolences. It will be ok.

[Kranbir8]

Sorry to hear about that. I feel for you buddy. Because this has happened to me already. I lost my grand parents 3 years ago. He was my hear and soul. We have passed a great time altogether. I even can't forget that moment.

[Bumpkin]

I'm so sorry for your loss. Who can say when it will get easier because we all grieve in our own way and time. I hope you and your mom will continue to be there for each other and try to remember all the good times and memories you had with her. I lost my best friend in June and I'm still having a hard time some days. Her health deteriorated before my eyes and I have a hard time getting the image of her sick body out of my mind. We have many good memories and I'm so thankful for that.

[Bumpkin]

It's just hard to take in what has happened. I don't want to accept it, I feel bad about the circumstances of the past several years, not visiting more. I feel like her passing was not natural, I want to blame the staff. How can she be fine one day, then pass away the next with no known ailments? I suspect through carelessness, they allowed her to choke or something like that. Since it had happened right around lunch time. I'm sure that no one is going to look into the cause. We're just going to accept that this has happened, and not ask questions. Not that I would expect anyone to ever admit to any wrong doing.

 

My SO went thru this with his mother years . His had been sick though. He also thinks it was negligence on the part of the hospital. Hers was a choking issue also, they gave ensure without reading her chart to watch for the hazzard. As hard as it is for me to say this to him, his mom was very sickly and her death was inevitable. I don't think there was anyone to blame in their situation. It's easy to do that. The misplaced anger is a tool for dealing with the death I suppose.