On the other side.

[Filly4thirteen]

Hello forum friends, some of you may remember my story, but i decided to start a new thread and ask some advice. Wife and I are scheduled to decree aug 27th. She is struggling immensely with financial obligations. She has the opportunity to be very successful in her degree but claims she can’t get work. She has recently cancelled some perks such as internet and her health coverage that I was paying but only agreed to pay half of my daughter. Then she canceled her plan also and said she is going on government assistance. I won’t allow that for my daughter when I can afford it so I will be paying for her coverage out of pocket. I have shared parenting of every other weekend , every Sunday for church and two days a week for dinner and daddy daughter time. But since the separation I’ve gotten her every weekend. This I am thankful for as I will take her every second I can. Stbx has been sending me messages such as I appreciate you, random what are you doing blah blah blah, I don’t ever respond and when I see her in person to pick up my daughter she wants to make small talk and I simply get my child and leave. I’ve told her before I don’t want to discuss anything with her if it doesn’t involve our daughter. She doesn’t seem to get it. A part of me wants her to regret what she has done but this mind set just keeps me attached to her emotionally. How do I go NC and move forward when I have to see her multiple times a week. She has even gone as far as accusing me of having a gf because she asked my daughter who I was with and she said a girl with piercings (hahaha I laughed inside but didn’t respond) all the while this girl was my daughter and I waitress when we went to dinner. She’s been so childish and doesn’t seem to get the point. Is it fair for me to assume she is realizing the severity of her decisions and that this road isn’t as easy as she thought? Any ideas on how I should approach this or do I just keep going NC as best I can.

[Marc878]

Hard NC. Shes hovering. Things didn't work out like she planned.

 

She doesn't want you back only the comfort your checkbook brings.

 

Only respond to texts kids or business only and keep it short. Never answer her phone calls direct. Ignore, ignore, ignore. Time will fix this.

 

You're doing well on pickups/drop offs keep it short 2-3 minutes and zero engagement.

 

It's not written anywhere that you have to engage her.

 

It maybe awkward upfront but will normalize

[Marc878]

You were very lucky you got out of this without getting hosed before her boyfriend dumped her. That's probably what's going on.

 

Never ever crack the door open for a cheater because there is a good chance you'll get it again.

 

She's now stuck and looking for you to bail her out. Let that be gopher problem

 

Go as dark as you can

[Marc878]

Hello forum friends, some of you may remember my story, but i decided to start a new thread and ask some advice. Wife and I are scheduled to decree aug 27th. She is struggling immensely with financial obligations. She has the opportunity to be very successful in her degree but claims she can’t get work. She has recently cancelled some perks such as internet and her health coverage that I was paying but only agreed to pay half of my daughter. Then she canceled her plan also and said she is going on government assistance. I won’t allow that for my daughter when I can afford it so I will be paying for her coverage out of pocket. I have shared parenting of every other weekend , every Sunday for church and two days a week for dinner and daddy daughter time. But since the separation I’ve gotten her every weekend. This I am thankful for as I will take her every second I can. Stbx has been sending me messages such as I appreciate you, random what are you doing blah blah blah, I don’t ever respond and when I see her in person to pick up my daughter she wants to make small talk and I simply get my child and leave. I’ve told her before I don’t want to discuss anything with her if it doesn’t involve our daughter. She doesn’t seem to get it. A part of me wants her to regret what she has done but this mind set just keeps me attached to her emotionally. How do I go NC and move forward when I have to see her multiple times a week. She has even gone as far as accusing me of having a gf because she asked my daughter who I was with and she said a girl with piercings (hahaha I laughed inside but didn’t respond) all the while this girl was my daughter and I waitress when we went to dinner. She’s been so childish and doesn’t seem to get the point. Is it fair for me to assume she is realizing the severity of her decisions and that this road isn’t as easy as she thought? Any ideas on how I should approach this or do I just keep going NC as best I can.

 

It's none of her business what you do. Zero engagement. She starts up you leave. Just say "I gotta go" then leave

 

Many talk nc but don't achieve it. You control yourself and your phone. You can't apply nc you'll just screw yourself. Better wake up to this fact.

 

It's pretty hypocritical for her to have an affair but not like it when she perceives you seeing someone else.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Is it fair for me to assume she is realizing the severity of her decisions and that this road isn’t as easy as she thought? Any ideas on how I should approach this or do I just keep going NC as best I can.

 

Yes. Divorce is generally pretty bad for the stay at home spouse. They tend to operate under some sort of illusion that their lifestyle will magically continue without the other spouse bankrolling them. I see this all the time and you are only at the beginning stage. Not only the money issue but there are really not a lot of available men out there. They are all married or dating 25 year olds or content to just be alone. So a woman such as your wife is probably realizing quickly how she made a big mistake.

 

How you approach it is up to you. If you are done, then be done and ignore her attempts. If not, I don't know. I had an A and so did my H, I wanted a divorce but he fought hard for our marriage and we worked through it. But I cannot tell you what is in your wife's mind or the type of person she is. Only you know that. Is it a momentary lapse in judgement or would you be better off with someone new? My ex was very bad, while he did not cheat on me, he was abusive and I left him for no one, I was fine being alone forever, I had no regrets. Do you feel done with her and the marriage?

[Mr. Lucky]

Is it fair for me to assume she is realizing the severity of her decisions and that this road isn’t as easy as she thought? Any ideas on how I should approach this or do I just keep going NC as best I can.

 

You should work on being as detached from her non-parental life as you want her to be from yours. This would include speculating about her feelings and/or hoping she ever realizes or regrets the consequences of her actions.

 

As has been often said, the best revenge is living well. Create a great life for you and your daughter and pursue it vigorously. Let that be your focus...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Filly4thirteen]

All, if I could take everyone of you out for drink as a thank you for all your support I would. Especially you mr lucky for your brutally honest, sometime not what I want to hear reply’s. It’s only been three weeks since I moved out so it’s still all very fresh. I absolutely hit the eff younbutton when she calls and send it straight to voicemail. Usually she has my daughter on the voicemail telling me how she misses me. It’s emotional terrorism but I ignore the feelings as best I can until I get to see my baby girl. To be honest I miss my old life ... before the news of course, but I’m not sure if I miss her one bit or just the thought of her. I praised myself so much on being the strong faithful providing husband and father it feels like I’ve lost my purpose now living alone in this duplex. Yes I take care of my daughter. The hair cuts, the swim lessons, the horse riding lessons. The quality time. But it feels weird not having another adult to be providing for. I’ll tell you this, when my daughter looks at me and says, daddy I wanna go home to mommy, it hurts like hel*. But I know with time she will see how

Much her daddy loves her.

 

Ps I don’t have a girlfriend. I still believe in waiting until the marriage is over. Meaning the gavel is thrown down on aug 27th

 

My biggest fear is she comes crawling back with everything she has and I take her back because right now in the spot I don’t know if I could say no to her. I know it’s pathetic but it’s where I’m at right now.

[Mr. Lucky]

My biggest fear is she comes crawling back with everything she has and I take her back because right now in the spot I don’t know if I could say no to her. I know it’s pathetic but it’s where I’m at right now.

 

That would be a decision only you could make. There are stories here of marriages rescued from the trash heap, though it would be interesting to know where those relationships stand 10 and 20 years later. I have a friend attempting exactly that - wife busted in a fairly public way, husband bad-mouthed her to anyone that would listen and now they're trying to reconcile.

 

If you do go down that road, make sure it's for the right reasons. Hope you get what you want...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Marc878]

Never be someone’s plan B. You will find very shortly once you start looking that you have more value than you thought you had.

 

Let the D play out.

 

Get strong and stay there.

 

You will be more than fine long term

[Bufo]

Read and heed what Marc says above. Your soon to be ex has realized how badly her choice turned out. That’s regret and not remorse. Regret is no basis for reconciliation.

 

Since your divorce is only a few weeks away, gird yourself against her last minute Hail Mary pass attempts to extricate herself from the disaster she steered herself into.

 

Let me guess: OM dropped her like a hot coal.

[stillafool]

Hard NC. Shes hovering. Things didn't work out like she planned.

 

She doesn't want you back only the comfort your checkbook brings.

 

 

Yes this is what she misses. Having someone to take care of her financially and she probably isn't all that attractive to single men considering her situation so she probably has realized this and now knows her freedom is going to require her to go to work.

[Filly4thirteen]

I’m finding myself hitting a wall and missing her dearly. I have been no contact other then my child for over a week now and it’s so hard. Why am I struggling so bad with wanting her back. I just don’t get it.

[Mr. Lucky]

Why am I struggling so bad with wanting her back. I just don’t get it.

 

Not only is that not unusual, it's pretty normal. You're grieving the life you had more than missing her, makes sense given our fear of change. It's a process and you should give yourself permission to go through it without beating yourself up - or turning to tequila, like I did .

 

Focus on your daughter and work to establish a new normal. Try and take care of yourself through diet, exercise, work and friends. This too will pass...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Filly4thirteen]

Well today hit an all time low. No contact has been broke unfortunately. I just don’t get it. She’s texting me crap like she wants to go out to dinner and today I asked her if she could do me a favor. It was something involving my daughter and she asked if I wanted to have sex. I ignored it and when I dropped off my daughter she texted me, how come we didn’t hook up. It’s literally mental terrorism seeing as how I can’t seem to let go of a marriage that is over. But she didn’t seem to care to let me know about her multiple friends that are guys. But then in the next breath tells me how she was up crying all night. How do I let go and move on.

[notbroken]

You would regret getting back with her every day of your life if you do. It would affect your self esteem and life in ways you can't yet imagine. You are doing the right thing. You don't grieve for her, you grieve for a life that never really existed anyway - an idealized version of what you used to have. Be there for your daughter, go no contact with the stbx as much as possible. Absolutely do NOT have sex with her. It will set back your recovery to the start over point. She is NOT wife material. Never will be. She is realizing she may actually have to go to work and earn a living. She won't be the free living and dating lady she thought she would and is now regretting it. Don't fall for that.

 

Be kind to yourself. Your second thoughts and thinking of her are normal. Be strong. Don't fall for that.

[preraph]

I think you need to go to the judge and get an arrangement where you only communicate through one of those mediation email sites. Google "child custody email sites" and read about each one and see if any of them would help you. then you can ask the judge to limit her to that. I think some of them have rules and they store the communications.

 

You can also pay a mediator, but that sounds like money you don't have. But google child custody mediator service and see what pops up. Also, you can try to get a parent or sibling to do the exchanges so you don't have to see her. But that's a big imposition. the court can hire a mediator to do that, but it's $$.

 

She's not supposed to be using the child to send you messages or involving the child in your problems and you should keep a log of that (maybe on the site) and then go to a judge about it and make it stop. Now, if you wanted custody for a full week at a time, it would make it to where you only had to see her once a week. That's not a normal visitation though.

 

Also, the judge can mandate she stays in her car during the exchange and not interact.

[OatsAndHall]

I think you need to go to the judge and get an arrangement where you only communicate through one of those mediation email sites. Google "child custody email sites" and read about each one and see if any of them would help you. then you can ask the judge to limit her to that. I think some of them have rules and they store the communications.

 

 

A child custody email site is absolutely your first step in this situation. However, her contacting you outside of that medium isn't illegal unless she's harassing you in some manner. Generally speaking, the law will only get involved if she's threatening you or using profane language. I've been down this road with a stalker and it's a PITA. So, block her through every route of communication outside of the child custody site.

 

 

 

And, I STRONGLY suggest that you stop providing her with support. It is enabling her at this point. I understands that you want to do what is best for your daughter but your ex needs to get it together and she won't do so if you're footing the bill for anything.

[Filly4thirteen]

She constantly texts me when I have my girl asking how she is doing. And when I don’t have her she calls me and leaves me a voicemail with my daughter on the other lone asking to talk with me. Do I just need to become a jerk and tell her to back the eff off

[OatsAndHall]

She constantly texts me when I have my girl asking how she is doing. And when I don’t have her she calls me and leaves me a voicemail with my daughter on the other lone asking to talk with me. Do I just need to become a jerk and tell her to back the eff off

 

 

Yes, you do. She's trying to weasel her way back into your life via your daughter and that's not kosher.

 

 

 

About two months after my ex-wife and I separated, she played games with my former stepson's birthday and I knew she was doing it. We were still considering reconciliation at the time but it was getting uglier and uglier. We had met up face-face the week before his birthday to talk things over and she got nasty in a hurry.

 

 

 

I was out birthday shopping for him and I texted her to make sure we didn't buy him the same items. She suggested buying him a board game for "family time." He does like board games so I picked him up one. That week, she texted me and gave me three options for his birthday; a "family dinner" at the house, a party at Chucky Cheese or to just send him and his brothers over to my place for dinner, cake and ice cream. I went with the third option as a) my former brother-in-law had pulled some stuff during the separation that set me off and I didn't want to be anywhere near him and b) she was being manipulative and using his birthday as a medium to be around me. Honestly, if she had told me "The boys and I would love it if you'd come over for a birthday dinner", I would have put aside my resentment for my brother-in-law and gone.

 

 

 

The initial divorce papers came in a week later, I texted her when I got them and asked her if this is what we both really wanted (there were things I didn't know at that point..). Her response: "You showed me that you will never respect my feelings when you wouldn't come over for his birthday." I just said, "Okay" and called it good. That statement confirmed what I already knew; she was testing me. She should've known better than to do that as I called her out on her manipulative b.s. many times in our marriage.

 

 

 

The moral of that story; I knew she wanted me to come over for that party but I wasn't going to allow her to play games and manipulate the way she was. Had I joined them for their party, I would have been playing the game right along with her and I wasn't about to do that. So, cut you ex out and never let her use your daughter as an excuse to contact you. Yes, of course she can contact you over legitimate concerns (the kiddo is sick, scheduling issues, etc..) but anything outside of that isn't right.

Edited August 17, 2018 by OatsAndHall

[Filly4thirteen]

Thanks oats . I appreciate you sharing you expirenece. I guess what it really boils down to is this whole situation has caused me to be very insecure. I’ve heard throughout the duration of my marriage how she was way out of my league and now I’m just beginning to wonder if this was all true. She seems so

Much more happy without me and her new found freedom while all the while I’m literally living a nightmare. Now not all days are bad, if you look back at my posts you would swear I was bi polar. It’s just such an emotional roller coaster and I wonder if I’ll ever find someone I could care for the way I did/do her. The sick part is I remember all the horrible things she did and how it was all due to my negligence on the marriage. I now see it as all bs and I want to move on but I just can’t seem too.

[Mr. Lucky]

I now see it as all bs and I want to move on but I just can’t seem too.

 

The only person that can hold you back is you.

 

Avoid the easy traps of drugs and alcohol. Be good to your self and your body - rest, exercise and eat right. On the nights I didn't have my son, I put so many miles on my bike I literally fell into bed. Find happiness in family, friends, work and play. Understand it all takes time and give yourself the latitude to progress at your own pace.

 

You'll get there...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Filly4thirteen]

Me. Lucky , thanks for your reply. I don’t drink often and definitely no drugs. I work a lot (which the stbx says that’s why I was so absent) and I’ve started to go back to the gym. I’ve been recently asked to join the worship team at church so getting back into ministry is really exciting for me. I was really hoping this grief cycle was coming to an end. I went thru all the stages and was stuck on anger for quite a while. I figured acceptance was next but I fell back to denial and depression. Not nearly as bad as before because I’m functioning but I’m pushing towards getting out of it again. One kiss from my baby girl takes all my problems away for that moment. I’m the type who likes the chase. I always been the flirtatious type and never had any problems with the opposite sex but I’m really just taking a step back and evaluating myself and getting to the point where I’m okay alone. Surprisingly the things she did as a sahm I really enjoy doing myself. The laundry and cleaning. After 12 hours a day of work I look forward to doing my own clothes and making sure the house is emaculate. Thanks guys for listening

[OatsAndHall]

Thanks oats . I appreciate you sharing you expirenece. I guess what it really boils down to is this whole situation has caused me to be very insecure. I’ve heard throughout the duration of my marriage how she was way out of my league and now I’m just beginning to wonder if this was all true. She seems so

Much more happy without me and her new found freedom while all the while I’m literally living a nightmare. Now not all days are bad, if you look back at my posts you would swear I was bi polar. It’s just such an emotional roller coaster and I wonder if I’ll ever find someone I could care for the way I did/do her. The sick part is I remember all the horrible things she did and how it was all due to my negligence on the marriage. I now see it as all bs and I want to move on but I just can’t seem too.

 

 

It just takes time, my friend... My marriage was a roller coaster, for sure, but things took a hard nose dive for me right before my ex and I separated. It took a few years, counseling and getting three hundred miles worth of distance between the two of us for me to get through all of it.

 

 

 

My ex-wife lives in the house we bought together with her ex/"friend"/now new husband. He moved in within weeks of the divorce settlement being signed. It really p-ssed me off at first but I worked through it. At the end of the day, I think back to a line from the movie "American Beauty":

 

 

"I'm not a drunk, I don't f--- other women, I don't mistreat you, I've never hit you.." There were times when I could have been a better husband but that line says it all. I was always there for her and those boys through thick and thin, I went to work every day to put food on the table and a roof over their heads, and I was/am a good man. The fact that my actions weren't "good enough" for her speaks a whole lot more about her than it does about me.

 

 

You'll make it through to the other side, I promise. It'll take work and self-reflection but you'll get there. I strongly suggest cutting off contact with her and avoid comparing your life to hers. Just remember, you know have YOUR LIFE to focus on and not dealing with the unnecessary emotional baggage that she was bringing to your life. That's a great thing so I suggest dialing in on that and just keep on trucking.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Filly, really sorry to see that you are suffering from the pangs of separation from your stbx wife. Others have given you a lot of good advice and you should seriously consider what they have to offer. I would suggest that along with everything they have suggested, that you try meditation as a means of calming your mind and getting a proper hold of your emotions.

 

There is a book titled 'Search inside yourself' by Chase Meng Tan, who is/ was an engineer at Google but has now shifted focus towards Mindfulness practice and conducting mindfulness sessions for the employees there. His new title at Google is 'Jolly Good Fellow'. Reading that book and following through with the practices laid out there will definitely help you through this difficult period. Just try it. For the rest, I wish you the very best going forward. Cheers!

[preraph]

She constantly texts me when I have my girl asking how she is doing. And when I don’t have her she calls me and leaves me a voicemail with my daughter on the other lone asking to talk with me. Do I just need to become a jerk and tell her to back the eff off

 

Tell her that by constantly interrupting your time with your daughter when you have her, she is stealing time from you and if she doesn't stop, you're going to the judge.