I really liked my girlfriend until she told me this story... What to do now?

[wilson1]

I recently started dating a girl i really like (2 months ago). I seemed to like everything about her and i held her on a really high regards as girlfriend material.

 

One night she told me a story about that changed my perspective on her. Having random conversation she ended up telling me how she had an affair with her ex boyfriend, while her ex boyfriend was on a serious relationship with another girl. Personally, I have a horrible bias against anything related to cheating (given that my own girlfriend cheated on me before and i can't stand the thought of it). And it rubbed me really the wrong way.

The worst part is that the affair ended because her brother found out, confronted everyone and made it public. But she seemed to be blaming more her brother in the story for making this public, than blaming herself for her own actions. She even seemed sad that they could never talk anymore after that.

 

I felt a little dissapointed about her after this story, and just don't feel like i hold her in such a high regard after that. But in the moment i didn't say anything i just listened patiently.

 

Now her and i are getting more serious and the story is always in the back of my mind and really bothering me.

 

I talked with her about it some time after, and after explaining my point of view, she seemed remorseful and said she would never do something like that again or talk to this guy again (they haven't talked in over a year anyway since it became public and the serious girlfriend found out so the guy vanished). She also said that she has never ever cheated on any of her own boyfriends before. She genuinely seemed sad that she disappointed me.

However, no matter what she says now it is still in the back of my mind always. She never seemed like the kind of woman who would do something like that.

We discussed this a few times and last time she said she is tired of this conversation and never wants to talk about her ex again.

But it is still on my mind and bothering me.

 

Other than this, she has never done something while we were together that would make me question her values.

 

What should i do? How do i deal with this and get over it?

Edited August 5, 2018 by wilson1

[MountainGirl111]

I can understand why you have this bias about cheating of any kind. You've been cheated on. That stays with you. Even if it was a while ago and you thought you had dealt with it. Any of us who have ever been betrayed in any fashion have it embedded in our psyche. I've never cheated on anyone, however I have been cheated on. I've been betrayed in other ways too. I realize that very few people in this world come into our lives with zero past. They bring their history and their flaws. I'm gonna take it as a little bit of a good sign she told you this about herself before you found out in another way. I think perhaps she's playing it careful with you and perhaps she realizes if you were to find this out before she told you herself it would be worse. So going forward: can you overcome this? Can you get past this? I don't know. Have you totally dealt with being betrayed by a past girlfriend? No one wants to be burned again....so it's understandable you are wary. Was your current GF's cheating a one-off or is it a pattern? You may not know that now or ever. I hope it's just a one-off.

[BaileyB]

I don't think I could date someone who had cheated in a previous relationship - particularly if they showed no remorse for their actions. I'm sorry.

[wilson1]

I don't think I could date someone who had cheated in a previous relationship - particularly if they showed no remorse for their actions. I'm sorry.

 

She didn't cheat on her boyfriend. The boyfriend was the one who had a girlfriend actually, but she was aware of it.

[wilson1]

P.S: Since people seem to get confused on the wording. She didn't cheat on her boyfriend. It was her ex boyfriend the one who was cheating on another girl. But she was aware of it.

 

 

This is the story: Her and him had a normal long term relationship before, then they broke up and remained only friends. Then the guy got a serious relationship with someone else. She said to be happy to remain friends and happy for him and his relationship. But they still had sex even when he was in a relationship with someone else. And then her brother (who knew the guy for many years) found out when he read text messages, and got really mad and confronted everyone and the story became public.

[Marc878]

The problem is the capability is there. It didn't end until it was exposed either.

 

Ok for a gf but I'm not sure I'd pursue anything permanent.

[BaileyB]

She didn't cheat on her boyfriend. The boyfriend was the one who had a girlfriend actually, but she was aware of it.

 

My misunderstanding, you said she "had an affair with her ex boyfriend, while he had another girlfriend." So technically, she didn't cheat because she was single. She was the other woman (her boyfriend was cheating - with her, not on her?).

 

It's the same difference to me. I would not want to date a woman who has no respect for relationship boundaries. I would not want to date a woman who could do that to another person.

Edited August 5, 2018 by BaileyB

[Scarlett.O'hara]

So what you are saying is that initially she didn't appear to be remorseful and only seemed to regret not being able to continue seeing her ex? It was only after you made it clear you were upset about it that she started expressing any regret.

 

Instead of asking, "How do i deal with this and get over it?", perhaps you should be asking, "Should I let this go and get over it?"

 

The truth is only you can answer this. We all have different deal breakers and values in a relationship. Understanding how she ended up in that situation might help you decide if it is worth continuing the relationship.

 

For example, does she has lax views on cheating with exes or was it specific circumstances with this guy that made it a one off exception to her otherwise good values? I don't know? You listened to her explanation, what did you think?

 

All I can go on is what you said, and I got the sense that she didn't feel any shame in her actions until your reaction prompted her to act that way. That would be a huge concern for me personally, but this is about you and what you are comfortable with.

 

I would advise you to take a step back and really think about the type of woman you want to be in a serious relationship with. Does your girlfriend have the qualities you want in a partner? Maybe you need some time and space to figure this out.

[wilson1]

My misunderstanding, you said she "had an affair with her ex boyfriend, while he had another girlfriend." So technically, she didn't cheat because she was single. She was the other woman (her boyfriend was cheating - with her, not on her?).

 

It's the same difference to me. I would not want to date a woman who has no respect for relationship boundaries. I would not want to date a woman who could do that to another person.

 

Yes that was my exact feeling when she told me the story. Plus i feel she didn't respect herself or the other couple. All of that changed my perspective on her. Until that moment i thought of her as someone with high integrity

[Marc878]

Love can be blinding. Many make the mistake of putting them on a pedestal.

 

Past history is the best indicator of future actions.

 

Beware of what you're getting into.

[wilson1]

So what you are saying is that initially she didn't appear to be remorseful and only seemed to regret not being able to continue seeing her ex? It was only after you made it clear you were upset about it that she started expressing any regret.

 

Instead of asking, "How do i deal with this and get over it?", perhaps you should be asking, "Should I let this go and get over it?"

 

The truth is only you can answer this. We all have different deal breakers and values in a relationship. Understanding how she ended up in that situation might help you decide if it is worth continuing the relationship.

 

For example, does she has lax views on cheating with exes or was it specific circumstances with this guy that made it a one off exception to her otherwise good values? I don't know? You listened to her explanation, what did you think?

 

All I can go on is what you said, and I got the sense that she didn't feel any shame in her actions until your reaction prompted her to act that way. That would be a huge concern for me personally, but this is about you and what you are comfortable with.

 

I would advise you to take a step back and really think about the type of woman you want to be in a serious relationship with. Does your girlfriend have the qualities you want in a partner? Maybe you need some time and space to figure this out.

 

Hi Scarlett. Thank you, those are Very valid points.

 

To answer your questions:

 

When she first told me the story, her and i were not serious at all yet and she probably thought she could say anything without upsetting me (thats why i listened patiently without her having no idea it was actually bothering me).

 

In different circumstances when we talked about it after, she did mention that she finds it disgusting when guys who have a girlfriend approach her (which seems to be not matching with what she did). I asked her why this particular guy was different and she kept silent (or said something not very meaningful that i dont remember).

 

She does portray this as a 1 off thing. And she said she only had sex once (but all i know, is her brother found out of that 1 time, who knows). The very first time when she told me the story i asked her "what would have happened if your brother didn't find out?". And she answered: "I don't know". That answer really bothered me because i was expecting an "i would have ended it anyway!!", but her "i don't know" really bothered me. She also did express the very first time she told me the story, that she wished they could have kept in touch (given their history together) and kept seeing each other as friends. And i replied "friends who have sex behind his girlfriend?" and she remained silent...

 

 

But that was the first time we talked about it. I didn't even tell her it bothered me at the time, it was a casual conversation not a serious one.

 

I only brought it up weeks later when we were getting more serious, and i told her that her story concerned me.

 

She portrays this as a very unique situation that happened only one time. And she assures she never ever cheated on a boyfriend or has been with a guy who has a girlfriend other than this time.

 

When i asked her details of the story the second time we discussed it (when she already realized the story bothered me) she said the guy came to her house when her family was not there, and that she "didn't want it to happen" and she made it sound almost like the guy forced it "i couldn't stop him once he started". But i do believe that if the guy had actually forced her, she would have cut all ties instead of wishing he spoke with her still.

 

On the other hand i must say, other than this story from her past, she never did anything to me personally that made me feel she was lying or hiding something.

 

I agree with your sentiment that understanding what really happened is the key to understanding if i should be with her or not. The answer is: She tried to explain it to me but i still dont know why this happened, and after that she got upset and said she doesn't want me to bring the subject up again.

 

Should i bring the subject again even if she told me she doesn't want to talk about her ex anymore?

[MountainGirl111]

Yes that was my exact feeling when she told me the story. Plus i feel she didn't respect herself or the other couple. All of that changed my perspective on her. Until that moment i thought of her as someone with high integrity

 

Yes she cheated with her ex because he was in a serious relationship with someone else at the time and she knew about it. If she had no knowledge of the girlfriend it would be different. So, this brings up the issue of RESPECT for other peoples' relationships. I'll stick my neck out here and say a person of "higher" integrity would have let the ex boyfriend know in no uncertain terms: "No, we are not in any sort of intimate relationship here. You have a serious girlfriend and that's that." You're right, she didn't respect the other couple.

 

I don't know how long ago this happened. Maybe she learned a lesson and has changed?

[Scarlett.O'hara]

Should i bring the subject again even if she told me she doesn't want to talk about her ex anymore?

 

If that is what you need in order to make a decision on the future of your relationship, then yes, absolutely.

 

I get the sense that you won't be able to move on either way until you are clear about why it happened. Parts of her story don't really add up, so I think it is fair to want clarification, even if it is uncomfortable.

 

It is her choice if she doesn't want to talk about it again, but you have the choice to walk away if she holds back. You need to be able to communicate and build trust if this has any chance of working out.

[Jamess1]

Ha ha ha you are suffering from the 'good girl' , 'she is special', 'she is different' mentality.. the one I see often in a lot of cheated husbands 'never thought she would do this to me, to us' mentality...this is the 'good girl' myth, which is just female game.

 

I showed a friend of mine a married woman I was cheating with, he told me that I was I liar and that she wasn't the 'type' to do such a thing to her husband or family...

 

When the relationship started she didn't really know you, so her 'good girl' filters weren't properly calibrated...after she saw your reaction she now knows you are the 'naive' type..her filters are now in place..and she even tells you that 'when he started I couldn't stop him' : a measured level of victim-hood to alter the narrative of a woman who knowingly slept with her ex when he had already moved on.

 

Forget the dishonest and filtered answers you get from women here : women are very competitive when it comes to men, even when she divorces a man, the moment he starts moving on with another woman, her p gets really wet and she wont hesitate jumping that man. It's a powerful female psychology that even keeps the 'other woman' /'affair partner' holding on, hoping and waiting for the 'married man' to leave his wife for her, even for years...and they confuse it for love-some.

 

Many stories here were a husband would beg his wife for certain sexual acts, more steamy sex, but the wife would refuse,acting like a good, innocent and sexually inexperienced wife, only for the husband to discover a old VHS tape of a wife having a porn-rated threesome during her college days or with an affair partner.

 

The problem is your mentality - I don't care how innocent she looks, how long her skirt is, how conservative her family is, or religious she appears to be - she is still a woman - always biology takes precedence - this is why man like me can literally seduce any woman - even the ones who are going to insist after this post that they are different, or who say 'maybe with women with a low self-esteem, I wouldn't do something like that' : especially those !

[ExpatInItaly]

This would make me hesitate about dating her seriously, OP.

 

The first time she told you, you got her real feelings on the matter: she was upset her brother exposed it, wished she was still friends with the guy now, didn't know what would have happened if they hadn't been caught, and so on.

 

The next time you discussed it, she put quite a different spin on it: it was a one-off, he was aggressive about it, she's sad it upset you, would never do it again.

 

You have a girl here who isn't clear on her own boundaries and will paint a nicer picture of herself when it suits her purposes (ie. not upsetting you) If she had initially indicated that she had used poor judgment, was remorseful, had learned from it and had no desire to repeat that performance, I might be a little more understanding. But that's not what she said, until she realized how crappy it made her look. Think carefully before proceeding here. It wasn't that long ago.

[wilson1]

If that is what you need in order to make a decision on the future of your relationship, then yes, absolutely.

 

I get the sense that you won't be able to move on either way until you are clear about why it happened. Parts of her story don't really add up, so I think it is fair to want clarification, even if it is uncomfortable.

 

It is her choice if she doesn't want to talk about it again, but you have the choice to walk away if she holds back. You need to be able to communicate and build trust if this has any chance of working out.

 

Thank you! The main question is how do I approach the conversation in a healthy way? In a way that something good will come out of it instead of her feeling i am attacking/judging her and getting defensive?

 

Thank you.

[JS84]

I'm not really sure what else there is to discuss. What exactly do you want her to say that would make you drop the subject or satisfy you?? And how would you even know she's telling you the complete truth???

 

I have to disagree with bringing it back up again unless you have a different set of questions or have some idea of what she could say to you to help you get past it so you can move on. Not that that's really her responsibility IMO.

 

Because drilling her about what she did before she was even in a relationship with you certainly isn't going to make things any better between you two. If you have some concerns/questions I'd suggest trying to get it all out in one go and then drop it after that.

 

If she had cheated on you that's one thing, but partners who endlessly question their partners past I find more often than not wind up getting kicked to the curb eventually.

 

But if you can't get over it then just end things.

Edited August 5, 2018 by JS84

[BluEyeL]

I will have to agree that this is a red flag and definitely a character flaw. Especially the part where she didn’t take responsibility but blamed the person who exposed her.

 

There is no point to bring it up again , but I’d watch her words and actions. I wouldn’t want to be with someone like that long term because likely bad character and selfishness is going to eventually bite me in the rear end.

[wilson1]

I'm not really sure what else there is to discuss. What exactly do you want her to say that would make you drop the subject or satisfy you?? And how would you even know she's telling you the complete truth???

 

I have to disagree with bringing it back up again unless you have a different set of questions or have some idea of what she could say to you to help you get past it so you can move on. Not that that's really her responsibility IMO.

 

Because drilling her about what she did before she was even in a relationship with you certainly isn't going to make things any better between you two. If you have some concerns/questions I'd suggest trying to get it all out in one go and then drop it after that.

 

If she had cheated on you that's one thing, but partners who endlessly question their partners past I find more often than not wind up getting kicked to the curb eventually.

 

But if you can't get over it then just end things.

 

 

Yes i have to say i also agree with your point of view. The way things stand right now, I don't fully understand her story or what motived she had to do this.

I am torn between just swallowing it up and trying to forget about it (believe me im trying) or trying to have one last conversation with her in which we can try to understand why this happened and that could help me move on.

 

For sure i dont want to be in a relationship where i am constantly worried and also i don't want to torture her by constantly bringing it up. So i agree with you on this. I am just wondering what is the best solution.

[BluesPower]

What is more telling is when you asked her "Why this guy"...

 

You know why, she still loves him and he was her "Best" so of course she was silent.

 

That is neither here nor there. But it is something that you should be aware of, and understand this...

 

If she could get with him again, she would no matter what she says.

 

But like others said, 1) she is not real relationship material and not marriage material at all.

 

And 2) YOU need to not get in the habit of putting women on a pedestal. It is a bad idea in general to do that. You let them Prove that they are worthy over time just like they do to us.

 

If you do this you will get hurt again just like your last GF did to you.

 

Maybe this conversation is a little wake up call for you and a reminder of what you have ALREADY been though.

 

So maybe this will open your eyes up a little in general...

[salparadise]

Her and him had a normal long term relationship before, then they broke up and remained only friends. Then the guy got a serious relationship with someone else. She said to be happy to remain friends and happy for him and his relationship. But they still had sex even when he was in a relationship with someone else.

 

I would consider this a mitigating factor. He was her's first; long-term relationship, history, intimacy, connection, familiarity. What happened afterward could be seen as a remnants of the relationship that existed prior to the new girlfriend. It's not quite the same as if she saw a cute couple in the grocery store and propositioned the guy when the girl went to the feminine products isle.

 

I think it's probably a good thing that she was honest with you. She trusted you with her vulnerability, knowing full well that she might be judged. And here you are doing exactly that.

 

I think your problem is moral absolutism, and the expectation of perfection. Life is often messy. People can make mistakes, learn from them, and become wiser. Having made a mistake does not define a person forever. We may have some hard-wired preferences about virtue, but that doesn't mean we have to see everything in that light.

 

If you want to get past this then I think you have to challenge your absolutist beliefs surrounding virtue and infallibility. It's not realistic. Some might have withheld any such info to preserve the image, but then you'd have a less authentic woman, but not a more virtuous one.

Edited August 5, 2018 by salparadise

[d0nnivain]

Wilson

 

 

You have only known this woman for 60 freakin' days. If in that very short period of time you have begun to learn things that cause you to question her morals, her values & her suitability as your long term partner, just get out. This may be the tip of the iceberg or it may be the deepest darkest skeleton in her closest. It doesn't matter. Dating is about getting to know somebody & affords you the opportunity to get out if you find things that are deal breakers for you.

 

 

You can't undo what happened. You can't change her attitude toward it. Your reaction is your reaction. She & I could sit here & debate it with you, trying to give you reasons for what she did (probably thought she had more of a claim to the BF then the GF who got cheated on) but it doesn't matter. Her behavior bothers you. So act. Break up. There are women out there who didn't do this. Go date one of them.

 

 

It's waaaaayyyyy too early in this process to start compromising. If you were 2 years in or you were married already, I'd give you more tips on how to deal with it but now, why bother?

 

 

You can't talk this to death. Nothing she can say will make you feel better. Right or wrong you will never fully trust her. Sorry but the foundation is just not there for you. It may be a shame. But it's the reality. Don't put either of you through this.

Edited August 5, 2018 by d0nnivain

[BaileyB]

No, there is nothing to talk about here. What is done is done - you can't up ring a bell. Nothing she can say would make you feel better.

 

If you don't like this aspect of her past, and you worry about what it means for her character and what it will mean for your future, then your decision is to end the relationship. I'm sorry.

[wilson1]

I would consider this a mitigating factor. He was her's first; long-term relationship, history, intimacy, connection, familiarity. What happened afterward could be seen as a remnants of the relationship that existed prior to the new girlfriend. It's not quite the same as if she saw a cute couple in the grocery store and propositioned the guy when the girl went to the feminine products isle.

 

I think it's probably a good thing that she was honest with you. She trusted you with her vulnerability, knowing full well that she might be judged. And here you are doing exactly that.

 

I think your problem is moral absolutism, and the expectation of perfection. Life is often messy. People can make mistakes, learn from them, and become wiser. Having made a mistake does not define a person forever. We may have some hard-wired preferences about virtue, but that doesn't mean we have to see everything in that light.

 

If you want to get past this then I think you have to challenge your absolutist beliefs surrounding virtue and infallibility. It's not realistic. Some might have withheld any such info to preserve the image, but then you'd have a less authentic woman, but not a more virtuous one.

 

Thank you. Should i talk with her again or just swallow it in my own and not mention anything about it anymore?

[wilson1]

Wilson

 

(probably thought she had more of a claim to the BF then the GF who got cheated on) .

 

What does this mean?