I really liked my girlfriend until she told me this story... What to do now?

[d0nnivain]

It means that she dated the guy. They were BF & GF. They broke up & you said they were "friends". The guy started dating his new GF but never stopped interacting with your GF. She was always in his life. In your GF's head, she thought she had a greater "claim" on the guy -- like his new GF was just a place filler. That is probably how she justified it to herself, that she was really the GF & the new girl was the interloper.

[wilson1]

It means that she dated the guy. They were BF & GF. They broke up & you said they were "friends". The guy started dating his new GF but never stopped interacting with your GF. She was always in his life. In your GF's head, she thought she had a greater "claim" on the guy -- like his new GF was just a place filler. That is probably how she justified it to herself, that she was really the GF & the new girl was the interloper.

 

In fact the guy and the other girl are still together after this.

[Marc878]

In fact the guy and the other girl are still together after this.

 

Most guys aren't going to turn down free sex. She has no boundaries and would probably jump at the chance to reignite this one.

[salparadise]

Thank you. Should i talk with her again or just swallow it in my own and not mention anything about it anymore?

 

 

I guess it depends on what you've talked about already. Have you told her that you're having issues, and was it upsetting to her? If so, then you might want to let her know that you've made adjustments and found a better way to internalize it. But I don't think that you should go into it at length. If you need to do that, see a counselor/therapist. I gave you a way to rationalize, and also suggested that you work on the absolutist beliefs. Changing a belief is more of a process. Changing from absolutism to a more open and relative way of conceptualizing may be longer journey. Acceptance would be a loving thing to communicate. I hope it all works out for you.

[preraph]

I'm going to say if she did this in her early twenties, write it off to careless youth. Young people make a lot of mistakes and operate on a lot of delusions and misconceptions about relationships and love. But now if this happened in her thirties or I would say even late twenties, you got a little glimpse into her ethics.

 

You sometimes also have to take into consideration the particular circumstance and whether the guy was playing her or hadnt done a clean break up. I confess I went through a period when if I felt like if I knew him first and neither of us had run off the other neatly, that he was fair game even if he was dating someone else. of course then it was for me to decide if it was worth the trouble.

 

There's lots of variables.

[wilson1]

I'm going to say if she did this in her early twenties, write it off to careless youth. Young people make a lot of mistakes and operate on a lot of delusions and misconceptions about relationships and love. But now if this happened in her thirties or I would say even late twenties, you got a little glimpse into her ethics.

 

You sometimes also have to take into consideration the particular circumstance and whether the guy was playing her or hadnt done a clean break up. I confess I went through a period when if I felt like if I knew him first and neither of us had run off the other neatly, that he was fair game even if he was dating someone else. of course then it was for me to decide if it was worth the trouble.

 

There's lots of variables.

 

She is 25. She was 24 then. This is a guy who was her first love and they were together since she was 17 (she lost her virginity with him). They were on and off for like 5 or 6 years. 3 years on, then a break and then back. They ended up being friends. And after the guy got a new serious girlfriend, this happened. But when her brother found out the sh*t hit the fan.

[d0nnivain]

In fact the guy and the other girl are still together after this.

 

The other girl is a fool for taking back the cheater.

 

She is 25. She was 24 then. This is a guy who was her first love and they were together since she was 17 (she lost her virginity with him). They were on and off for like 5 or 6 years. 3 years on, then a break and then back. They ended up being friends. And after the guy got a new serious girlfriend, this happened. But when her brother found out the sh*t hit the fan.

 

Mark my words: your GF is not fully over this EX.

[wilson1]

The other girl is a fool for taking back the cheater.

 

100% agreed

 

 

Mark my words: your GF is not fully over this EX.

 

That was my first impression when she told me the story. Now i don't know. She does make a lot of efforts for me and she sounds like she cares.

[FMW]

I don't think you are going to be able to get past this and not hold it against her. You need to accept that she's done something that is a deal breaker for you, that bell can't be unrung.

 

I don't see any purpose in talking about it further with her. She's not going to say anything that's going to change what happened.

 

I think you need to end the relationship. Stop hanging on to something you can't stomach.

[wilson1]

I don't think you are going to be able to get past this and not hold it against her. You need to accept that she's done something that is a deal breaker for you, that bell can't be unrung.

 

I don't see any purpose in talking about it further with her. She's not going to say anything that's going to change what happened.

 

I think you need to end the relationship. Stop hanging on to something you can't stomach.

 

Thank you. Her and i are going to meet up this weekend and figure everything out in person. As we had a bit of a long distance component in our relationship and i think working things out in person is the key here.

 

 

 

I reallly appreciate everyone's feedback here. Very diverse but most points of view are very valid.

[smackie9]

Sounds to me you want her to reassure you in some way to get rid of your doubts. Talk isn't going to "work" this out. You already talked to her, she told you what you wanted to hear, and yet you still don't believe her. There isn't anymore she or you can do to get rid of these doubts. What she did isn't going to go away. She had made that choice, and she felt justified doing it and took no accountability.

 

 

 

Just my impression, the only reason she was "remorseful" about it was because she had a lot at stake. She was going to lose you if she didn't say the right things to make this go away. Well she's just going to do the same thing again.....tell you what you want to hear. The only thing she is remorseful about is telling you about it in the first place.

 

 

 

I'm going to question you as to why would you pursue her after she told you about it? You should have simply walked away. You just sat there getting disgusted over it. I'm not getting why this wasn't such a dealbreaker at the get go.

 

 

 

If you keep confronting her about her sin and how wrong it was, etc, she's going to feel all you are trying to do is punish her for something she did before she even met you. Then you become the jerk.

 

 

IMO if you can't look past this now...like right now, you shouldn't be in a relationship with her. none, nadda. You had 60 days to figure this out.

Edited August 6, 2018 by smackie9

[wilson1]

 

 

 

I'm going to question you as to why would you pursue her after she told you about it? You should have simply walked away. You just sat there getting disgusted over it. I'm not getting why this wasn't such a dealbreaker at the get go.

 

 

I get your point. The reason i didn't walk away in that very moment is because in that moment we were not serious at all. So i just brushed it off thinking we are not in a serious relationship anyway so why would i care, and who was i to question her as long as we are having fun together. Other than that particular story from the past i had no reason to walk away. I really liked her and she never did anything bad at all to me to make me question her values except that one particular story.

 

But now we are becoming way more serious, she lives in a different country and traveled to see me abroad, and we are both traveling to a new city next week to meet each other. So now that things started getting serious i started asking myself deeper questions that before didn't matter.

 

It's not like i am punishing every day about it, we had only 1 serious conversation about it (after her initial time when she told me the story casually). For the most part i am trying to swallow it as much as i can. But i haven't been able to digest this so far.

 

I agree with you that punishing over something from the past is not a way to live in a relationship. You should be in a relationship to make each other happy and not trying to bring up the same crap over and over again. That is why i am trying to deal with this by myself at the moment, or trying to figure out if there is any avenue out of it.

 

But i really appreciate your feedback.

Edited August 6, 2018 by wilson1

[smackie9]

You were enamored by this girl right from the start so much so, it deflated your heart a bit when she told you, so it's not really "casual" , well not your feelings for her. Now I'm all about "People can change, and grow up" But what struck me was how she didn't see anything wrong with what she did. A red flag is a red flag.I know people will lie.....I think she lied to save her skin. Keep your eyes wide open.

[d0nnivain]

That was my first impression when she told me the story. Now i don't know. She does make a lot of efforts for me and she sounds like she cares.

 

I'm not saying your GF is horrible. I am saying she's human & possibly confused.

 

The story she told made you question her character. You have only known her a short while so I think you should cut your losses.

 

If you want to stay & see where this goes you have that option but deep down I doubt you trust her. Trying to force a relationship to work is what gets people in trouble.

[preraph]

She is 25. She was 24 then. This is a guy who was her first love and they were together since she was 17 (she lost her virginity with him). They were on and off for like 5 or 6 years. 3 years on, then a break and then back. They ended up being friends. And after the guy got a new serious girlfriend, this happened. But when her brother found out the sh*t hit the fan.

 

Her brother probably perceived the ex was taking advantage of her, and maybe he was.

 

But this was her first love and it lasted a long time, off and on, with some breakups being the norm, so as far as her perspective, it was business as usual. I mean, she had the far greater history with him. I can see why she'd just view this other woman as someone temporary because after all, he was still coming back to her too.

 

Now she probably knows better, or will in a few years anyway. I mean, it's hard for me to think about a new girlfriend compared to someone who's been with them off and on for years as anyone serious -- unless they actually ACT like it's serious and stop going back to the ex and make a commitment to the new girlfriend. This hurt the new girlfriend undoubtedly, but then her being with him probably hurt her as well and she had a lot more invested.

 

I'd let it go due to it being her first bf and the longevity. It wasn't anything frivolous for her. He was still coming around. Can you trust her with him? Maybe not. But as long as they're not spending time alone, I'd let it go. Not that bad. Understandable.

[Rubix Cubed]

You have been with her for 60 days and in a long distance relationship. She did something, that is obvious to the rest of us here, is a dealbreaker for you, but you're trying to convince yourself it's not by "swallowing it". This will just eat away at you if you continue this relationship. Especially with the fact that you will not see her much and be able to keep tabs on her over your long distance relationship. She can do just about anything and get away with it (unless her brother finds out). For your own mental well being, you need to move on from her. Just be done with it before you invest any more of yourself in her.

[sandylee1]

Your GF isn't over her Ex. He moved on to a more serious relationship and she was probably hoping he'd come back to her.

 

He's her first love and I reckon if he wanted her back you'd be dropped fast.

 

She'd never admit it...or that she still has strong feelings for him, but she was angry her brother put an end to their affair.

 

Just like the affairs on the OW board, this would have most likely still been going on.

[wilson1]

Well we just met this weekend. We tried talking again, but i realized we hit a spot where it is very unlikely we will reach a a real understanding. She tried to explain, but she says she even doesn't understand herself why she did it. And i still have more questions than answers in my mind.

 

I also found out that this was way more recent than i thought. It was in January apparently (so less than 6 months before i met her). And of course, its unlinkely to forget a guy she had sex with for 8 years and was her first in everything, in just 6 months. So it is normal that she is confused. She even told me she compared every guy she has been with to him (but, ehem, not me).

 

Also even though she says she will never do something like this again and so on and seems remorseful infront of me, during our conversation i asked her why she is angry at her brother for exposing it, and not angry at the guy who actually cheated (and apparently forced her), and she answered something like "Because i don't understand my brother but i understand him". When i ask what exactly she understands about the cheater she quickly changes the subject about why her brother should have talked to her first instead of exposing it, and the conversation gets into a loop.

 

If i stay with her these thoughts will eat me alive and destroy the relationship.

 

So i just decided follow what the very vast majority of people said in this thread. I am offering to just stay friends. I think she is a good person and really cares about me, but this will eat me alive if i continue.

 

Thank you everyone for the insights.

[Exformer]

She tried to explain, but she says she even doesn't understand herself why she did it. And i still have more questions than answers in my mind.

 

 

From my experience, people in off/on relationships tend to be two types: Users, who take what they want and bounce to new things, and people who are passengers to their own emotions and desires.

 

 

 

She doesn't understand because all she knows it that she has strong emotional reaction to the ex. She confuses these emotions and it pulls her to him and pushs her away, because that's how the on/off relationship dynamic taught her it was supposed to be.

 

 

I also found out that this was way more recent than i thought. It was in January apparently (so less than 6 months before i met her). And of course, its unlinkely to forget a guy she had sex with for 8 years and was her first in everything, in just 6 months. So it is normal that she is confused. She even told me she compared every guy she has been with to him (but, ehem, not me).

 

 

Yeah, that soon after 8 years, you were basically the rebound, in the beginning at least, and its clear she still hasn't processed her feelings for this guy. She hasn't compared you to this guy...because you're different...than that guy...and she can list the differences in her head as she compares you.

 

 

Also even though she says she will never do something like this again and so on and seems remorseful infront of me, during our conversation i asked her why she is angry at her brother for exposing it, and not angry at the guy who actually cheated (and apparently forced her), and she answered something like "Because i don't understand my brother but i understand him".

 

 

She feels like she wouldn't do that again...but she doesn't really know why she did what she did, and how she got to that place, which means she could just as easily get wrapped up again. It could be some self inflicted mental voodoo to protect her options and emotions. Note the displaced anger is still toward her brother so she can rationalize staying connected to the ex that supposedly forced her.

 

 

So i just decided follow what the very vast majority of people said in this thread. I am offering to just stay friends. I think she is a good person and really cares about me, but this will eat me alive if i continue.

 

 

Excellent choice. Its hard to pull away from something you know won't work, when much of the here and now is very good. But you have to stick to your guns. On/off is a dynamic she associates with a normal relationship, and possibility won't see this as a clear break. You may want to consider putting space (no contact) between you for a bit to get your head on straight.

 

 

 

You offer to stay friends with her, but you couldn't be happy with her because your morality collided. Are you sure you want to be friends with her?

Edited August 14, 2018 by Exformer

[wilson1]

From my experience, people in off/on relationships tend to be two types: Users, who take what they want and bounce to new things, and people who are passengers to their own emotions and desires.

 

 

 

She doesn't understand because all she knows it that she has strong emotional reaction to the ex. She confuses these emotions and it pulls her to him and pushs her away, because that's how the on/off relationship dynamic taught her it was supposed to be.

 

 

 

 

 

Yeah, that soon after 8 years, you were basically the rebound, in the beginning at least, and its clear she still hasn't processed her feelings for this guy. She hasn't compared you to this guy...because you're different...than that guy...and she can list the differences in her head as she compares you.

 

 

 

 

 

She feels like she wouldn't do that again...but she doesn't really know why she did what she did, and how she got to that place, which means she could just as easily get wrapped up again. It could be some self inflicted mental voodoo to protect her options and emotions. Note the displaced anger is still toward her brother so she can rationalize staying connected to the ex that supposedly forced her.

 

 

 

 

 

Excellent choice. Its hard to pull away from something you know won't work, when much of the here and now is very good. But you have to stick to your guns. On/off is a dynamic she associates with a normal relationship, and possibility won't see this as a clear break. You may want to consider putting space (no contact) between you for a bit to get your head on straight.

 

 

 

You offer to stay friends with her, but you couldn't be happy with her because your morality collided. Are you sure you want to be friends with her?

 

Exformer, i agree 100% with everything you wrote down here. Arguably the most thoughtful and detailed post of all of them in this thread.

 

Thank you.

 

My offer to be friends is more coming from a place of knowing that she actually does care about me and did put a lot of effort into me (plus she didn't do anything bad to me personally). So i feel cutting her off would be a little too drastic. Her and i live in different cities anyway, so i don't think we will be on/off even if we both wanted to. Just the level of effort to mantain a "full on" relationship would be huge anyway, and i think a half assed on/off relationship would be too much effort to even happen.

 

I am just being honest and clear with her about my thoughts, and i will even share the link to this thread with her in the sake of full transparency.

[Exformer]

I am just being honest and clear with her about my thoughts, and i will even share the link to this thread with her in the sake of full transparency.

 

 

If you tell her about getting advice online, maybe just offer to share a link if she asks. There's a lot of opinion about her that she may not want to read or be willing to consider while in the middle of an emotional break up. It could appear as if you're piling on.

 

That said, you're doing what you're doing for yourself and because you made up your own mind. You can be honest without showing the work you did to get to that opinion.

[wilson1]

If you tell her about getting advice online, maybe just offer to share a link if she asks. There's a lot of opinion about her that she may not want to read or be willing to consider while in the middle of an emotional break up. It could appear as if you're piling on.

 

That said, you're doing what you're doing for yourself and because you made up your own mind. You can be honest without showing the work you did to get to that opinion.

 

I did mention to her some time ago that i was asking for advise online and at the time she said she might want to see it. Today i sent her a very long letter and i did include a link to this thread just for the sake of transparency (which she might or might not open). Even though the advise in this forum is coming from total strangers, reading through my own posts might help her understand my thought process.

 

Cheers and thank you again

 

P.S: By the way, what does "piling on" mean?

Edited August 15, 2018 by wilson1

[Exformer]

I did mention to her some time ago that i was asking for advise online and at the time she said she might want to see it. Today i sent her a very long letter and i did include a link to this thread just for the sake of transparency (which she might or might not open). Even though the advise in this forum is coming from total strangers, reading through my own posts might help her understand my thought process.

 

Cheers and thank you again

 

P.S: By the way, what does "piling on" mean?

 

 

Sorry about the delay in response.

 

"Piling on," as in "adding to."

My thought was that you're already giving her a lot of information to take in, and she's probably going to feel upset from a lot of that. Like you said, giving a link to this thread can be informative to your process, but you're already explaining yourself to her. So, it could be considered unnecessary. Also, showing her opinions from many other people (strangers) could come across more hurtful than beneficial. Though I don't believe that's your intention at all, I could see her feeling that way from an emotional stand point.

 

Hopefully, she doesn't feel attacked, and she understands the gesture for what it is and not an alternate interpretation.

[JS84]

Good idea. That had train wreck written all over it. She had way too much recent baggage and questionable morals. You'll find someone good one day.