mamacita123 Posted August 5, 2018 Share Posted August 5, 2018 (edited) My husband and I have been married for 8 years. We have 4 kids and one on the way. We are LDS and made covenants to stay together when we got married in the temple so divorce is not something I take lightly. We have had a lot of issues in our relationship. We've tried counseling on multiple occasions but can't afford to keep going and never saw any results anyway. First, I have very low sex drive. It's actually very painful for me at times so I almost never want to have sex which makes him crazy because he has extremely high sex drive. He used to be addicted to pornography, but after going to counseling for that, he seems to have stopped. I can't be 100% sure but he says he hasn't in a long time and I have no reason to doubt him. He was also caught peeping on my mom and my sister. I've found woman's items in our house (a makeup/hair bag) which he said he must've accidentally took someone else's bag on set (he acts as an extra sometimes) but he had all of his stuff so he would've had to grab 2 bags if that were the case.... I also found a woman's shirt in our laundry which wasn't mine. No clue where it came from. I am just to the point that I can't trust him. We have both been mildly abusive to each other when we get in fights. (He'll pin me down or push me, I'll slap or hit him, nothing that leaves marks) we fight ALOT. Its not all on my husband either. I have issues too but I'm just to the point that I feel like our marriage can't work! I have very little faith in therapy. In my experience, it doesn't help much. What should I do? Edited August 5, 2018 by mamacita123 Link to post Share on other sites
MidnightBlue1980 Posted August 5, 2018 Share Posted August 5, 2018 My husband and I have been married for 8 years. We have 4 kids and one on the way. We are LDS and made covenants to stay together when we got married in the temple so divorce is not something I take lightly. We have had a lot of issues in our relationship. We've tried counseling on multiple occasions but can't afford to keep going and never saw any results anyway. First, I have very low sex drive. It's actually very painful for me at times so I almost never want to have sex which makes him crazy because he has extremely high sex drive. He used to be addicted to pornography, but after going to counseling for that, he seems to have stopped. I can't be 100% sure but he says he hasn't in a long time and I have no reason to doubt him. He was also caught peeping on my mom and my sister. I've found woman's items in our house (a makeup/hair bag) which he said he must've accidentally took someone else's bag on set (he acts as an extra sometimes) but he had all of his stuff so he would've had to grab 2 bags if that were the case.... I also found a woman's shirt in our laundry which wasn't mine. No clue where it came from. I am just to the point that I can't trust him. We have both been mildly abusive to each other when we get in fights. (He'll pin me down or push me, I'll slap or hit him, nothing that leaves marks) we fight ALOT. Its not all on my husband either. I have issues too but I'm just to the point that I feel like our marriage can't work! I have very little faith in therapy. In my experience, it doesn't help much. What should I do? What is LDS? Why do you have low sex drive? I don't blame you if it is because you have 4 kids and are pregnant but you make it sound like a condition. That is a lot of kids in an 8 year marriage. You have basically always been pregnant or recovering. Are you done with kids after number 5? I would not run off and get a divorce with 5 kids right away. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted August 5, 2018 Share Posted August 5, 2018 What is LDS? Latter Day Saints, more commonly Mormon. That explains 4 1/2 kids in eight years. mamacita123, while I don't condone your husband's behavior, I agree with MB1980's point that your seem to give yourself a pass on a pretty important part of marriage. Given the stresses of the disagreements and the general chaos of four kids, why are you so negative about marriage counseling? Your seem to both have poor coping skills and even worse anger management. Therapy could certainly help. Sounds like you're ready to bail without even trying... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted August 5, 2018 Share Posted August 5, 2018 Have you ever seen a doctor? I don't understand how sex can be painful after 4 kids. Something is physically or perhaps mentally wrong here -- you are too dry, too tense, not enough foreplay, don't feel loved enough If he's been cheating get out anyway because that trumps all marital problems but do try to figure out why sex is so painful for you. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted August 5, 2018 Share Posted August 5, 2018 He was also caught peeping on my mom and my sister. I've found woman's items in our house (a makeup/hair bag) which he said he must've accidentally took someone else's bag on set (he acts as an extra sometimes). I also found a woman's shirt in our laundry which wasn't mine. We have both been mildly abusive to each other when we get in fights. (He'll pin me down or push me, I'll slap or hit him, nothing that leaves marks) we fight ALOT. Its not all on my husband either.? No, this marriage can not be saved. The question is, how did you have five children with this man... He has clearly shown a lack of boundaries related to sex/other women (including your sister and mother - yikes!). And, physical violence is never acceptable. I would not waste any more money on counselling. You will need it to pay the lawyer. I'm sorry. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted August 5, 2018 Share Posted August 5, 2018 Latter Day Saints, more commonly Mormon. That explains 4 1/2 kids in eight years. mamacita123, while I don't condone your husband's behavior, I agree with MB1980's point that your seem to give yourself a pass on a pretty important part of marriage. Given the stresses of the disagreements and the general chaos of four kids, why are you so negative about marriage counseling? Your seem to both have poor coping skills and even worse anger management. Therapy could certainly help. Sounds like you're ready to bail without even trying... Mr. Lucky I always respect your opinion, but this guy is creeping on her sister and mother and possibly cheating with other women... Do you really think that this marriage can be saved? I know, there are children involved and it's always sad to see a marriage end when there are children involved. But, this is really not good... Link to post Share on other sites
Author mamacita123 Posted August 5, 2018 Author Share Posted August 5, 2018 What is LDS? Why do you have low sex drive? I don't blame you if it is because you have 4 kids and are pregnant but you make it sound like a condition. That is a lot of kids in an 8 year marriage. You have basically always been pregnant or recovering. Are you done with kids after number 5? I would not run off and get a divorce with 5 kids right away. I agree. I mentioned earlier I don't take divorce lightly. Because of our religion, it is a big deal and we have 5 kids so I know the effect it will have on them. I don't want to put them through that. We are definitely done having kids. I was on the edge about having a 5th but we weren't using protection and I didn't think he'd go inside of me and he did. (I know, stupid). I am sure the low sex drive has many causes including me being pregnant/nursing most of our marriage and the trust issues I have with him. I have seen a Dr. (Since I regularly see OBGYNs) and there is nothing wrong physically. He blamed it on hormones from pregnancy/breastfeeding. I've also seen a sex therapist about it and they called it vaginismus. Basically something started the cycle (probably having sex when I didn't want to and since my hormones were off it was too dry and painful) and then the next time we did it, I expected it to hurt and so I clenched up and it did, and that just kept the cycle going. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mamacita123 Posted August 5, 2018 Author Share Posted August 5, 2018 No, this marriage can not be saved. The question is, how did you have five children with this man... He has clearly shown a lack of boundaries related to sex/other women (including your sister and mother - yikes!). And, physical violence is never acceptable. I would not waste any more money on counselling. You will need it to pay the lawyer. I'm sorry. He's gone to counseling for his issues and I've been talking to our Bishop (similar to a pastor) and working on forgiving him. I have forgiven him for the things he's done but I still have a hard time trusting him. I am wondering if these things can be resolved over time. Maybe we spend a few months separated? Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted August 5, 2018 Share Posted August 5, 2018 He's gone to counseling for his issues and I've been talking to our Bishop (similar to a pastor) and working on forgiving him. I have forgiven him for the things he's done but I still have a hard time trusting him. I am wondering if these things can be resolved over time. Maybe we spend a few months separated? Only you can answer that. I would suggest that you find counsel with those that you trust and decide what feels best for you (and your children). I completely understand your reluctance to leave the marriage because of your religious beliefs and your children. But, I also think you have good reason not to trust your husband and this will have a HUGE impact in your desire to have sex with him. The fact that he was spying on your mother and sister really creeps me out! This guy has no boundaries and I would not trust him for a second. It's easy for me to say, but I would have left a long time ago... Five children later, it becomes a lot harder to make a decision like this... Link to post Share on other sites
submart Posted August 5, 2018 Share Posted August 5, 2018 Hi there, If you were diagnosed were vaginismus have you sought treatment (i.e. dilator therapy, relaxation techniques, individual therapy, etc.)? Have you ever been sexually abused? Your vaginal spasms may be due to deep resentment and anger in your marriage. How old are you and him? And how old were you two when you got married? Did you both grow up LDS? Did he complete a mission? What are the ages of your children and when are you due with #5? It seems like he continues to have a problem with sex. It appears he is having an affair. However, unless he comes clean and is remorseful things will be difficult to repair. Your relationship sounds unhealthy on many levels. The emotional and physical abuse needs to end ASAP. You have control on your end. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted August 5, 2018 Share Posted August 5, 2018 Maybe we spend a few months separated? Separation is preparation for a divorce, it isn't about working on your marriage. Again, if that's what you want, you should be clear in your objectives. I always respect your opinion, but this guy is creeping on her sister and mother and possibly cheating with other women... Do you really think that this marriage can be saved? I know, there are children involved and it's always sad to see a marriage end when there are children involved. But, this is really not good... Thanks BaileyB, have to admit I missed that in my initial read of the OP's post. Certainly makes a complicated situation even more difficult given the stigma mamacita123's religion places on divorce... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted August 5, 2018 Share Posted August 5, 2018 He used to be addicted to pornography, but after going to counseling for that, he seems to have stopped. I can't be 100% sure but he says he hasn't in a long time and I have no reason to doubt him. He was also caught peeping on my mom and my sister. Something about this has really stayed with me today. Peeping is considerd by many, particularly young men, a rather harmless thing to do. A right of passage perhaps... But, the fact that he has admitted to spying on both your mother and your sister could be considered, predatory behavior. I'm assuming that you have daughters and I would be remiss not to tell you to be very observant when he is in the presence of your daughters. You know this man, we obviously do not. Perhaps, my spidy-sense is wrong, but peeping on your mother and your sister is FAR from normal behavior... coupled with an addiction to pornography... there is a chance that your children are at risk and I would absolutely hate for anything to happen to your children. Be careful with this. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
marky00 Posted August 7, 2018 Share Posted August 7, 2018 If he's been cheating get out anyway because that trumps all marital problems but do try to figure out why sex is so painful for you. Not always. What matters is what is behind the cheating. She's admitted she has a very low sex drive and he has a very high sex drive. I think that fact is relevant here. I've read threads on here where people have advised a female OP to leave a relationship because her man wasn't interested in sex. So hopefully we can give consistent advice here. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts