Partner in contact with ex despite my requests

[PeaceAndLove1]

I am (M40) a bit confused on what is happening with my partner (F40) and would like for some external view on my story. Any clarity would be much appreciated.

 

We met in Jul 2017. In around Sep 2017 in loose conversation I asked her who are her friends, she never mentions anybody who would be very close to her. She said she has a male friend, it is one of persons she had friend with benefits relationship in the past (guy is married, 3 years of affair with her before she met me). I told her if she wants to go forward with me to cut off ALL that type people of her life if she would like to be exclusive with me. She strongly agreed and made clear she wouldn't like me to have similar acquaintances.

 

In May 2017 when I discovered 15 naked selfies on her phone taken while she was on business trip (and I didn't get any of these), she said they were for me but she was too shy to send them. While me "investigating" she admitted she is still in contact with that man, but she had to remain in contact with him since it is one of her business partners (lives in distant location). I said then that she damages my trust and if this contact is a must I require some type of report from this contact - when, what about, what was said etc. Otherwise I won't be able to remain close with her. I asked what is his name - she refused to share. I said it doesn't look good to me and I am ready to broke off from her, she said it is the last time she lies and begged me to stay promising it is the last time she lied.

 

2 weeks ago she came back from work telling me some parts of her day, I sensed something odd and peeked into her mobile. There was a 7 minutes conversation with this man. I did a bit of questioning around it "You would tell me if you were still close with that guy would you?" - of course, I promised you that. Then next day I asked "Are you sure you are not in contact?" - she said she only spoke with him through her employee, as he knows at this point she doesn't want direct contact. Then I said "You are lying to me, I looked at your phone yesterday...". She asked if I am sure if this is the very Peter. Then she said that his office rang her from his mobile, and then she said few hours later that yes, she rang his number but by mistake as she wanted to talk to another Peter in his office.

 

I moved our of her on Thu, after a week of crying conversation and her begging me on her knees and kissing my hands. She was saying she doesn't know why she lied and this is the very last time she asks me to forgive her. She says she didn't terminate contact with him as she felt I am limiting her freedom, but finally it was happening over time. That this call doesn't mean anything to her. She asked me to rethink while I am gone as she really loves me and I am the man of her life (she was widowed 3 years ago, 2 kids).

 

Very strange all together, my gut feeling tells me something is not right. I love her madly, but I wouldn't like to hurt her based on my idea of what could have been happening rather than on what happened which she doesn't really seem to understand.

 

Please help get some clarity on it. I am heart broken and confused at the same time.

I have been away for a week now but love this woman so much.

Edited August 6, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[ExpatInItaly]

You did the right thing.

 

She is dishonest and has zero boundaries. Also, I can more or less guarantee those naked selfies were for him, which indicates that their affair is not over. Not emotionally, anyway.

 

Sorry OP, but she is not relationship material.

[DKT3]

Yeah, not a good bet. I suggest you go over to the other woman section and read how difficult it is for those women to break free of their affair partner. You would be far better off bouncing. She has continually lied to you, its more likely that she is still very much involved in this affair with the guy. Her story about his office calling her from his phone is ridiculous, even more so because the conversation was 40 minutes.

 

Really man, get rid of this woman.

[d0nnivain]

Yet another reason why you don't move in with people until you have been with them for a year or more.

 

She's been lying all along. She made her bed & had been enjoying frolicking in it.

 

Next.

[BaileyB]

It's the dishonesty that would bother me more than anything else...

 

I could never trust a word that she said. I'm sorry.

[PeaceAndLove1]

...read how difficult it is for those women to break free of their affair partner. You would be far better off bouncing.

 

 

She was then shortly after death of her husband and she found some comfort with a married man. So it was an affair for him, she was freshly widowed at that time.

 

I am wondering how widows cope with their tragedies. Do some of them go around looking for short lived relationships. Is it normal? She was meeting 2-3 men at the same time, they were travelling to see her, or she travelled so it rarely happened in her home city. She admits she abandoned herself in those days, alcohol, parties etc.

[PeaceAndLove1]

She's been lying all along. She made her bed & had been enjoying frolicking in it.

 

 

She says her work relationship was important since the man supplied her with some market information. But to me... well she picked work (man) over our relationship agreemnt.

[PeaceAndLove1]

Just to give some more background info on her: She allowed me fully into her family including in laws of past husband. This part always puzzled me, why would she make me a full member of the family including her two small children and risk it for the sake of some work fling. I am the first man who appeared in her home, I am sure of that, was told by her closest family and of course kids.

[Marc878]

She was in and probably never stopped an affair with a married man. She's an accomplished liar and you only know the tip of the iceberg.

 

You appear to be looking for excuses to stay in this? Why?

[PeaceAndLove1]

She was in and probably never stopped an affair with a married man. She's an accomplished liar and you only know the tip of the iceberg.

 

You appear to be looking for excuses to stay in this? Why?

 

 

This was an affair for him, not for her, it was a year after her husband died.

 

 

 

She says she hid it since she felt I am jealous and didnt think anything is wrong with keeping in touch over products/shippings etc.

 

 

It is a very good question. I assume this is because this relationship has awakened some deep desires for family/love/partnership. I haven't felt that since divorce with my bpd wife. Maybe I am drawn towards emotionally unbalanced ones. I am not sure. She knew she did something unacceptable and kept going.

[FMW]

From my personal experience, I think the following - but you can judge the value of it in your situation.

 

Relationships formed during emotional crisis (dealing with the death of her husband in this case) can have very deep impacts. The unexpected emotional intensity felt while "using" another man as a distraction to ease the pain can backfire and become it's own attachment that's hard to let go of.

 

I would be very careful of investing too much of myself in her right now. She probably really does care about you and thinks you would be a great partner (and that's why she's involved you in her life), but just isn't healed sufficiently to be what you want and need her to be.

 

The best answer for you would probably be to end it, but if you're not ready to do that just be very careful and back things off for a while. If she continues the sketchy behavior you'll have your answer.

[Marc878]

This was an affair for him, not for her, it was a year after her husband died.

 

Oh really? logic to accept the unacceptable.

 

She says she hid it since she felt I am jealous and didnt think anything is wrong with keeping in touch over products/shippings etc.

 

 

It is a very good question. I assume this is because this relationship has awakened some deep desires for family/love/partnership. I haven't felt that since divorce with my bpd wife. Maybe I am drawn towards emotionally unbalanced ones. I am not sure. She knew she did something unacceptable and kept going.

 

You are reaching to sugar coat this. If she's sending him nudes she's still screwing him as well.

 

She's nothing more than your typical cake eater.

 

You are in denial

[doyathinkso]

Since she seems to be saying that she is still in contact with him because of her working in the same company perhaps you could ask her to do something about that. Something like getting a different job.

 

No work connection so no contact, right?

 

Bet ya she kicks up quite a fuss over the suggestion.

[daphne]

Peace,

 

If you were with a borderline, chances are you are used to being lied to and possibly cheated on. I would consider examining your behavior. I think it's pretty clear that this woman has totally lied to you and I do believe she's still involved with the guy. But you appear to be in denial.

 

I would consider therapy to figure out what it is in you that looks for an excuse for this woman who is clearly not healthy enough to be in a real relationship without cheating and lying. You gotta set the bar higher.

[PeaceAndLove1]

Since she seems to be saying that she is still in contact with him because of her working in the same company perhaps you could ask her to do something about that. Something like getting a different job.

 

No work connection so no contact, right?

 

Bet ya she kicks up quite a fuss over the suggestion.

 

 

She agrees to that in times when I start pointing number of issues that arise - kids were often left with grandad when she would take a business trip for 3-5 days and would not have an urge to call kids, or would go away and would be barely with contact with me for a week. But when dust settles she says it is a well paid job and time flexible and near by so it would be silly to leave it.

[DKT3]

Honestly, have had many conversations with cheating wives both online and in real life I think it's more likely that she was involved with the guy before her husband died. After all he is a coworker of some sort. Point I'm getting at is you cant trust a word from her. She is showing you she is dishonest and deceitful but you refuse to believe it.

 

Asking yourself why would she lie to you about when it started? Again, venture over to the other women section, you will find thread were alot of them have been dishonest about affairs with the relationship following.

 

But really, the details of their past is irrelevant because she is lying NOW.

 

MOST people here who been cheated on will tell you believe what the cheaters actions show you about them and ignore the words. Right now you are doing the opposite and setting yourself up for some pain.

[PeaceAndLove1]

DKT3,

Thank you for being that honest with me. I need that now.

 

 

Out of curiosity, refering to your experience with cheating, do you think if there is any good women left out there? I am losing hope.

[DKT3]

DKT3,

Thank you for being that honest with me. I need that now.

 

 

Out of curiosity, refering to your experience with cheating, do you think if there is any good women left out there? I am losing hope.

 

What's a good woman? At our age we all have baggage, we've all been scared and bruised. I think the key is finding a person who's crazy you can handle.

 

I believe the problem most have is ignoring the red flags early.

 

Yes, I do believe there are good women out there if you mean those who won't cheat.

[doyathinkso]

But when dust settles she says it is a well paid job and time flexible and near by so it would be silly to leave it.

 

 

MMM HMMM. Yup. I told you she'd kick up a fuss.

 

She left out the real reason she's not leaving the job.

 

 

I think it is high time you left her.

[MountainGirl111]

This woman sounds very insecure, or could have an overactive sex drive. There are women out there like that. Insatiable. All those nude pics on her phone? Who DOES THAT? You're not stupid and whenever you suspect something and bring it up to her, she denies and lies.

 

Consider this: It is often the more insecure person in the relationship that steps out/cheats. Reasons for this vary. Needing constant validation about their attractiveness. Sex addiction. Or, just not being able to say "no" to temptation.

 

Mentally/emotionally unstable? Likely. There's a saying: "Crazy in the head, good in bed." Let me guess the sex with her is great, right? Well, it sounds like she's very accomplished in that department and has lots of experience. But that can be good or bad, depends.

[OatsAndHall]

Look, I've been down this road before and it doesn't lead anywhere good. My ex-wife wouldn't cut off contact with an ex, it was a root cause of our divorce and now she's remarried to the guy. I have been through this kind of deceitful crap and I also know what it's like to try and hold onto trust in your partner. But, actions speaks louder than words and the pattern of behavior is something that you cannot ignore.

 

 

 

It's very simple.. You've asked her to cut off contact with the ex and she won't do so. It's a reasonable request and she's not showing any respect for your relationship by not acknowledging it. She's also gas-lighting you by stating you're limiting her freedoms, etc..etc..

 

 

 

What you do with your relationship is your choice but, in my mind, a major trust has been broken and she has been exceptionally sneaky about the whole thing. People don't do that unless they're trying to hide something. Keep all of this in mind as you proceed.

[PeaceAndLove1]

Yep, she is amazing in bed. Her husband used to make a joke she is a nympho.

[PeaceAndLove1]

People don't do that unless they're trying to hide something. Keep all of this in mind as you proceed.

 

 

I am always curious why a person has to tell a lie. How important it is to cover something up, what needs to be covered, and finally why she wanted to hide his name (I found it out through my own source anyway). Hiding his name shows me how she prioritises this man, he is obviously more valuable to her.

 

 

But all that I am starting to see as time passes by from the point I moved out (11 days). And thanks all the guys here like you, posting out of care to other human beings. Thank you for that.

[Ralph79]

OP,

 

I'm happy to read that you had the courage and the conviction to do what was necessary. There are so many variables in play to understand the reasoning behind this Woman's actions.

 

On one hand, she lived a married life with children. I have no idea what the nature of that relationship was. (If she was happy, unhappy, feeling trapped, fulfilled, etc..)

 

But what you did share was that she led a certain lifestyle once she became a widow. Maybe that lifestyle was her way of alleviating the pain of her loss. And perhaps this other guy doesn't necessarily hold a special place in her heart as much as what the relationship with him represents.

 

I know you love this Woman and I'm glad you stood up for yourself and took no BS anymore. She's obviously not ready to move on from her past. She's gotten her way with you before so she doesn't really appreciate how valuable your are to her right now.

 

It seems she needs help. But you can't be her therapist and BF at the same time.

 

Best advice I can give you is keep toughening up. I know it was hard for you to leave her. But trust me, the only way this woman will ever respect you and choose you over work, men, or lifestyles, is by respecting yourself. You deserve more than living a life second-guessing if your partner is honest or not. Nobody is worth that much trouble.

 

If you ever do decide to give her another chance, which is something most posters here would advise against (with good reason, I would be one of them), just please make her EARN her chance. Don't take her back within a few days. Give yourself a few months to think things through and make her sweat it out.

[MountainGirl111]

I am always curious why a person has to tell a lie. How important it is to cover something up, what needs to be covered, and finally why she wanted to hide his name (I found it out through my own source anyway). Hiding his name shows me how she prioritises this man, he is obviously more valuable to her.

 

 

.

 

There are many reasons people lie. Most likely to avoid "getting in trouble"..

 

She knew you'd be upset when you found out, so she tried to hide it. Not going to work out so well for her, however.