Paying Etiquette Question

[Shining One]

This came up in another thread, but I didn't want to derail that topic further. I've always considered it "good manners" to offer to contribute to payment if you contributed to the cost. My question: Is it considered "bad manners" to not offer to contribute if you didn't contribute to the cost?

 

Scenario: Person A and Person B meet up at a location. Person A orders something and Person B orders nothing or water (free). Should Person B offer to contribute or pay for Person A's order?

[Mr. Lucky]

This came up in another thread, but I didn't want to derail that topic further. I've always considered it "good manners" to offer to contribute to payment if you contributed to the cost. My question: Is it considered "bad manners" to not offer to contribute if you didn't contribute to the cost?

 

Scenario: Person A and Person B meet up at a location. Person A orders something and Person B orders nothing or water (free). Should Person B offer to contribute or pay for Person A's order?

 

It depends on how badly Person B wants to get into Person A's pants.

 

Under normal circumstances, no. I might toss a dollar or two into the tip if we've occupied the table for some time...

 

Mr. Lucky

[somanymistakes]

Who issued the invitation and under what circumstances?

 

If A and B are friends and mutually agreed to go to McDonald's on the way home, they pay for their own orders, it would be silly for B to offer to contribute to A's order when B only got water.

 

If B is A's boss and requested that A show up for dinner at a fancy restaurant for an informal work review, then orders nothing and leaves A with the bill, that's not appropriate.

 

If B and A are both going to a big group meal at a restaurant, the sort that is probably eventually going to involve a lot of pooling funds, and B doesn't intend to partake or contribute, the polite thing to do is for B to say something before the meal starts. "I'm not hungry, I'm just going to have a water." Then no one is expecting them to partake or contribute.

 

People often don't pay attention to who eats what, so if B doesn't speak up ahead of time, they may mistakenly assume that B did eat, and think B is rude for not putting anything in the group funds.

[basil67]

Mr Lucky an Somanymistakes both make good points. And to give an accurate answer, context is required.

 

My only extra comment is that it's bad form on the part of person B to order nothing if it's a date or business lunch.

[Shining One]

My only extra comment is that it's bad form on the part of person B to order nothing if it's a date or business lunch.

Why is it bad form to order nothing or water on date? I've had several women do this on late night dates. They were usually on some diet or cleanse that didn't allow anything except water after a certain hour.

[basil67]

Why is it bad form to order nothing or water on date? I've had several women do this on late night dates. They were usually on some diet or cleanse that didn't allow anything except water after a certain hour.

 

Male or female, it's just really odd to go to an eatery and sit there with nothing while your partner orders food. If they are dieting or prepping for next day surgery, I'd prefer to postpone the date till they can eat.

 

After all, eating and drinking together is a universal way to connect.

[darkmoon]

A is using B for sure

[somanymistakes]

Why is it bad form to order nothing or water on date? I've had several women do this on late night dates. They were usually on some diet or cleanse that didn't allow anything except water after a certain hour.

 

IMO it's weird to do this without warning because it makes the other person uncomfortable if you're just sitting there.

 

But it's okay if you've disclosed beforehand. "I'm on a weird diet and I can't eat anything, I really don't mind watching you eat, do you still want to go?"

[BaileyB]

This came up in another thread, but I didn't want to derail that topic further. I've always considered it "good manners" to offer to contribute to payment if you contributed to the cost. My question: Is it considered "bad manners" to not offer to contribute if you didn't contribute to the cost?

 

Scenario: Person A and Person B meet up at a location. Person A orders something and Person B orders nothing or water (free). Should Person B offer to contribute or pay for Person A's order?

 

No. I would not offer to pay in this situation.

[alphamale]

since person B is apparently a cheap-o by not ordering anything, person A should dump person B and run off with person C

[Els]

Are we talking about friends or dating? What's the context?

 

 

 

Male or female, it's just really odd to go to an eatery and sit there with nothing while your partner orders food. If they are dieting or prepping for next day surgery, I'd prefer to postpone the date till they can eat.

 

After all, eating and drinking together is a universal way to connect.

 

 

I agree. A "date" where only 1 person is eating or drinking is immensely awkward.

[guest569]

since person B is apparently a cheap-o by not ordering anything, person A should dump person B and run off with person C

 

Exactly! Person B probably starving but doesn't want to cough up a few bucks.

[Shining One]

Male or female, it's just really odd to go to an eatery and sit there with nothing while your partner orders food. If they are dieting or prepping for next day surgery, I'd prefer to postpone the date till they can eat.

 

After all, eating and drinking together is a universal way to connect.

IMO it's weird to do this without warning because it makes the other person uncomfortable if you're just sitting there.

 

But it's okay if you've disclosed beforehand. "I'm on a weird diet and I can't eat anything, I really don't mind watching you eat, do you still want to go?"

Interesting perspectives. I had taken it as a positive sign that they were willing to meet up despite not being able to partake in food or drink. If had known that they couldn't partake beforehand, I would have suggested a different meeting place though.

[Shining One]

Are we talking about friends or dating? What's the context?

I've seen this happen in both situations.

[basil67]

Interesting perspectives. I had taken it as a positive sign that they were willing to meet up despite not being able to partake in food or drink. If had known that they couldn't partake beforehand, I would have suggested a different meeting place though.

 

You are more accepting than me. Short of someone who's fasting for surgery the next day, I'd look at the weird diet person and think "no future for us".

[Shining One]

since person B is apparently a cheap-o by not ordering anything, person A should dump person B and run off with person C

Exactly! Person B probably starving but doesn't want to cough up a few bucks.

While this is a possibility, I've only ever experienced this from other people in fairly late evening / night situations.

 

My most common experience being Person B involved me finishing my Friday night's drinking at one location and then walking over to another establishment where an acquaintance happens to be. At that point, I'm drinking water for the rest of the evening / night before I drive home.

[Els]

While this is a possibility, I've only ever experienced this from other people in fairly late evening / night situations.

 

My most common experience being Person B involved me finishing my Friday night's drinking at one location and then walking over to another establishment where an acquaintance happens to be. At that point, I'm drinking water for the rest of the evening / night before I drive home.

 

 

Why not order a non-alcoholic drink? Even if calories are that much of a concern, there are no-calorie/low-calorie drinks.

 

 

Honestly, it's really difficult for me to answer what I think the "right" thing to do in that situation is, because it's extremely uncommon IMO. Maybe you are just meeting friends/dates much more often than I do, but I have literally never been in that situation in a 1-on-1 context. Occasionally it does happen in group settings, where a dinner is already scheduled but someone has to fast for a blood test the next day or something. But in that case they usually just go with whatever the rest of the group does.

 

 

IMO it's super awkward and just not fair to take up a seat when you're not a paying customer. Even if I've already eaten but I'm meeting a friend, I'd order a drink (not water, a drink that costs money). Basically, however the bill is split, I think it's poor ettiquette to even DO what you mentioned in the first place.

[brigit87]

This came up in another thread, but I didn't want to derail that topic further. I've always considered it "good manners" to offer to contribute to payment if you contributed to the cost. My question: Is it considered "bad manners" to not offer to contribute if you didn't contribute to the cost?

 

Scenario: Person A and Person B meet up at a location. Person A orders something and Person B orders nothing or water (free). Should Person B offer to contribute or pay for Person A's order?

 

I'm assuming this is a date.

 

If a guy asks you out on a date and you're sitting at a restaurant and he doesn't order anything I'd think the dude was weird. And, yeah he should still pick up the tab.

[Shining One]

Why not order a non-alcoholic drink? Even if calories are that much of a concern, there are no-calorie/low-calorie drinks.

Water is best for me after drinking alcohol.

Maybe you are just meeting friends/dates much more often than I do, but I have literally never been in that situation in a 1-on-1 context.

I used to date a lot and go out drinking with friends / coworkers every Friday.

IMO it's super awkward and just not fair to take up a seat when you're not a paying customer. Even if I've already eaten but I'm meeting a friend, I'd order a drink (not water, a drink that costs money). Basically, however the bill is split, I think it's poor ettiquette to even DO what you mentioned in the first place.

This might be another regional thing. It seems to be a lot more "acceptable" here. Perhaps not so much during the busier hours, but later at night, it happens a lot.

[Shining One]

I'm assuming this is a date.

As I mentioned earlier, I've seen it happen both in date and non-date situations.

If a guy asks you out on a date and you're sitting at a restaurant and he doesn't order anything I'd think the dude was weird. And, yeah he should still pick up the tab.

I left gender out of the question for a reason. I believe in gender equality.

[JuneL]

I think it’s not super awkward not to order anything if you just drop by to join a group of friends. But if you’re arranging to meet up one-on-one with someone and if you have a legitimate reason that you won’t be ordering anything, then you should probably suggest a non-eatery for the meeting. Imagine the waiter gives you both a menu and asks what each of you would like to order, and both of you say “Just water. I have to fast until tomorrow’s doctor appt.”

[Art_Critic]

It depends on how badly Person B wants to get into Person A's pants.

 

Under normal circumstances, no. I might toss a dollar or two into the tip if we've occupied the table for some time...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

 

This answer sums up what I think as well, and would be like IRL if I was person B.

[Penguin_hugs]

Ah this reminds me of a terrible date I went on once

 

The guy insisted on going out for lunch (when I only wanted to meet for a drink/ coffee) and he did all this planning of where we were going to go etc so I eventually relented.

 

We went to this fancy pub that was only serving roast dinner as it was Sunday and I ordered the roast beef first. The waiter then turned to my date who said he actually couldn't eat anything on the menu... he then said he was vegetarian (so roast beef was a no go) and he'd recently been diagnosed with Crohns and could only eat 10g of fibre a day... and he had already eaten an orange for breakfast...

 

I offered to go somewhere else or not eat but he flatly refused and insisted I ate this huge roast dinner while he had tap water...

 

I was so embarrassed about the situation-I ended up just focussing on eating so that it didn't seem awkward and we barely spoke (I was also starving and feeling like I was going to pass out if I didn't eat). After I had finished he secretly went up and paid for my roast and flatly refused to let me pay- which made me feel pretty terrible too. He then walked me to my car and I never heard from him again!

[Lotsgoingon]

If I ask someone out ... and it's a date ... as in romantic interest is a possibility ... and if I happen to be on some extreme diet ... I still think I can order something healthy ... tea ... decaf coffee ... juice, diet club soda ... something!

 

And if I REALLY can't eat anything or drink anything, then really it would be best for me to set up a date that involves walking ... or going to a museum. In any case, I would want to alert the other person ahead of time that I am not feeling well, can't eat etc ... and to make clear the person should not take it personally.

 

But really, if I'm meeting at an eating place, I can't get to going out with someone and not ordering anything!

 

Meet them in the park if that's the case.

[Gretchen12]

The free water thing: that's in the US, right?