Loosing interest in a partner after 10 years of marriage - is it a reason for divorce

[ErikaGeorgieva]

After 10 years of marriage my husband does not seem to be interested in me at all. We haven't had sex in more than a year, we sleep in different rooms, hardly speak to each other. Conversations evolve over daily house stuff. He claims that he loves me very little, absolutely has no interest in doing anything together. I do not have a solid proof, but I suspect that he has an affair because no man will be staying without sex for so long. As I identified the problems and suggested marriage counseling he refused even to try. The situation for me is very difficult because I still have feelings, but also dignity and cannot stay where I am not wanted. I have been loyal to this person and sure the strength of our love cannot be similar to the honey moon period but I cannot stand to be ignored and humiliated. So I am wondering is this the end and should I take steps to initiate a divorce?

[PegNosePete]

If he has made it 100% clear that he has no interest in fixing the marriage (refusing MC) then yes divorce is really the only thing left to do. You could try one last time: tell him if he refuses MC then you'll be filing first thing in the morning.

[stillafool]

After 10 years of marriage my husband does not seem to be interested in me at all. We haven't had sex in more than a year, we sleep in different rooms, hardly speak to each other. Conversations evolve over daily house stuff. He claims that he loves me very little, absolutely has no interest in doing anything together. I do not have a solid proof, but I suspect that he has an affair because no man will be staying without sex for so long. As I identified the problems and suggested marriage counseling he refused even to try. The situation for me is very difficult because I still have feelings, but also dignity and cannot stay where I am not wanted. I have been loyal to this person and sure the strength of our love cannot be similar to the honey moon period but I cannot stand to be ignored and humiliated. So I am wondering is this the end and should I take steps to initiate a divorce?

 

How old are you guys Erika?

[stillafool]

If he is saying he "loves you very little" ( I don't know what that means) then it seems rather hopeless to go to marriage counseling as you can't counsel someone into love. I'm sorry this is happening to you and yes you are right - there is probably another woman.

[d0nnivain]

Ask him if he wants out. If he says no, tell him he has to work with you to fix things.

[FMW]

If he shows no interest or intention for things changing, then you have to decide if this is how you want your life to continue. Seems like you are already clear that it is not.

 

As PegNosePete said, try talking to your husband one more time, making it clear you can't go on this way. If he still shows no interest in things changing, then move forward to end things.

 

My marriage was dead by the 10 year mark as well, but I held on for another 13 years before ending it. Those years were damaging to my self esteem and emotional health. Don't do that to yourself.

[BaileyB]

After 10 years of marriage my husband does not seem to be interested in me at all. We haven't had sex in more than a year, we sleep in different rooms, hardly speak to each other. Conversations evolve over daily house stuff. He claims that he loves me very little, absolutely has no interest in doing anything together. I do not have a solid proof, but I suspect that he has an affair because no man will be staying without sex for so long. As I identified the problems and suggested marriage counseling he refused even to try. The situation for me is very difficult because I still have feelings, but also dignity and cannot stay where I am not wanted. I have been loyal to this person and sure the strength of our love cannot be similar to the honey moon period but I cannot stand to be ignored and humiliated. So I am wondering is this the end and should I take steps to initiate a divorce?

 

Relationships are good when they meet the needs of both partners. How is this relationship meeting your needs? In other words, do you have any reason to stay in this relationship?

 

He has made it very clear that he does not want to be in this marriage anymore. I would give him his wish... I would file the papers and have him served.

 

You deserve a partner who loves and adores you... If this man is not it, then it's time to move on...

[ErikaGeorgieva]

He is saying that if I do not force him to talk and discuss things the situation may improve. But I cannot just leave the things as they are.

[FMW]

Sorry, but he's full of bxxx xxxx.

 

Don't force him to talk and things might improve? Wow. I hate to say it but I think he's having an affair. He sounds like he's feeling pretty good about him self and thinking he's doing you a favor by staying with you. How does that make you feel? It's only going to get worse.

[BaileyB]

He is saying that if I do not force him to talk and discuss things the situation may improve. But I cannot just leave the things as they are.

 

And, you are just supposed to sit around and wait for him to change his attitude... No thank you.

 

Either he is in this relationship, or he is out.

 

He doesn't want to go in, so I would put him out!

 

I would file this week.

[ErikaGeorgieva]

How old are you guys Erika?

I am 37 he is 38.

[ErikaGeorgieva]

Relationships are good when they meet the needs of both partners. How is this relationship meeting your needs? In other words, do you have any reason to stay in this relationship?

 

He has made it very clear that he does not want to be in this marriage anymore. I would give him his wish... I would file the papers and have him served.

 

You deserve a partner who loves and adores you... If this man is not it, then it's time to move on...

I totally agree with you. That s why it is a relationship. I have lost 1 year trying to wait for things to magically improve and it is not working.

[ErikaGeorgieva]

If he shows no interest or intention for things changing, then you have to decide if this is how you want your life to continue. Seems like you are already clear that it is not.

 

As PegNosePete said, try talking to your husband one more time, making it clear you can't go on this way. If he still shows no interest in things changing, then move forward to end things.

 

My marriage was dead by the 10 year mark as well, but I held on for another 13 years before ending it. Those years were damaging to my self esteem and emotional health. Don't do that to yourself.

I am sorry that your marriage did not work out, but I hope you are happy and satisfied now after taking a decision to end it. It seems that will be the situation in my case as well.

[ErikaGeorgieva]

If he is saying he "loves you very little" ( I don't know what that means) then it seems rather hopeless to go to marriage counseling as you can't counsel someone into love. I'm sorry this is happening to you and yes you are right - there is probably another woman.

My gut feeling also tells me that there is another woman. Thank you for the support

[PegNosePete]

He is saying that if I do not force him to talk and discuss things the situation may improve. But I cannot just leave the things as they are.

He is just trying to buy time. I am guessing he is deriving some benefit from maintaining the status quo. When one spouse does this it's usually a financial benefit: his financial situation will be worse off if the marriage ends but he doesn't have any interest in actually making it work properly. Alternatively he is seeing another woman but wants to keep his comfortable life intact so he can carry on playing with no commitments.

 

He's just feeding you a line in the hopes you'll just go away and keep quiet.

 

Tell him "may" is not good enough and that if he doesn't get off his butt and start making the marriage work, then you will be filing for divorce tomorrow.

[BaileyB]

I totally agree with you. That s why it is a relationship. I have lost 1 year trying to wait for things to magically improve and it is not working.

 

I wouldn't waste any more time...

 

I can't see any benefit to you from this relationship aside from the fact that you are probably sharing the bills...

 

It's quite clear that he is no longer invested in the marriage. I didn't think at first that he was cheating, but with your last response I now think that it's very likely.

 

If he loves you very little, there is no reason to think that this will improve. Keep your dignity. It would give me great pleasure to serve him divorce papers - I can imagine that it will wipe (what I assume to be) that entitled and smug grin, from his face.

[PegNosePete]

I have lost 1 year trying to wait for things to magically improve and it is not working.

Exactly - this is what you should have told him when he said the marriage may improve if you stop bugging him.

[ErikaGeorgieva]

I wouldn't waste any more time...

 

I can't see any benefit to you from this relationship aside from the fact that you are probably sharing the bills...

 

It's quite clear that he is no longer invested in the marriage. I didn't think at first that he was cheating, but with your last response I now think that it's very likely.

 

If he loves you very little, there is no reason to think that this will improve. Keep your dignity. It would give me great pleasure to serve him divorce papers - I can imagine that it will wipe (what I assume to be) that entitled and smug grin, from his face.

Indeed sharing some house bills apart from that completely separate budgets.

 

For me there is another woman involved no other way. It is just very difficult to catch him because he is at home all the time, but during working hours no body knows because he does not have to stick in the office as I do. My major issue is that I need to collect all the dignity I have been left with and proceed with the further steps to get away. My only worry is how I will feel on my own.

[ErikaGeorgieva]

Exactly - this is what you should have told him when he said the marriage may improve if you stop bugging him.

You are absolutely right, but I am tiptoeing instead.I should be more firm because when someone's dignity is affected there should be a reaction.

[BaileyB]

Indeed sharing some house bills apart from that completely separate budgets.

 

For me there is another woman involved no other way. It is just very difficult to catch him because he is at home all the time, but during working hours no body knows because he does not have to stick in the office as I do. My major issue is that I need to collect all the dignity I have been left with and proceed with the further steps to get away. My only worry is how I will feel on my own.

 

Do you really need to catch him though? I mean, does it really matter if he is cheating... I think you have more than enough other reasons to divorce him.

 

I wouldn't worry about how you will feel on your own... Haven't you essentially been on your own this past year? I would think, you may actually find yourself feeling stronger and happier when you don't have the worry about what he is doing, why he doesn't love you, and how to fix a relationship that can't be fixed. To me, it would feel a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders...

[ErikaGeorgieva]

Do you really need to catch him though? I mean, does it really matter if he is cheating... I think you have more than enough other reasons to divorce him.

 

I wouldn't worry about how you will feel on your own... Haven't you essentially been on your own this past year? I would think, you may actually find yourself feeling stronger and happier when you don't have the worry about what he is doing, why he doesn't love you, and how to fix a relationship that can't be fixed. To me, it would feel a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders...

Absolutely. I have been through silent torture could not get worse. Thanks for the encouragement.

[skywriter]

ErikaGeorgieva

 

"My only worry is how I will feel on my own."

 

 

I think you will mourn your marriage , and also a huge burden of tiptoeing around this man will be lifted.You can stop all the dread of living under the same roof with someone who's essentially emotionally draining you daily.The dread of coming home, wondering what this evening will bring.

 

So how you will feel on your own, is different but in a relieving sort of way, because you can allow yourself to relax and just move on, and find your happiness on your own terms.

[FMW]

Ending a marriage is not easy, I won't lie. It will take time to sort out your feelings and come to terms with everything. But at the same time you will feel relief and maybe even a little excitement about what the future can hold once you're free of this emotional burden.

 

I've never regretted ending my marriage, I just wish that my xH or I would have mad the move much earlier.

[Mr. Lucky]

Do you really need to catch him though? I mean, does it really matter if he is cheating... I think you have more than enough other reasons to divorce him.

 

Exactly. ErikaGeorgieva, your spouse has already left your marriage, his body just happens to be in the spare bedroom. When it gets to this point - and he won't address or work on it - "why" doesn't matter...

 

Mr. Lucky

[stillafool]

Indeed sharing some house bills apart from that completely separate budgets.

 

For me there is another woman involved no other way. It is just very difficult to catch him because he is at home all the time, but during working hours no body knows because he does not have to stick in the office as I do. My major issue is that I need to collect all the dignity I have been left with and proceed with the further steps to get away. My only worry is how I will feel on my own.

 

Even if there is no other woman he has pretty much told you he isn't in love with you anymore. Do you want to stay married to a man who isn't in love with you?