4 years later/both [former affair] partners left marriages [new proposal]

[theperfectlife]

I don’t really know how to begin this thread....

Although my OM and I both left our marriages and have a great relationship, it has been my experience that there has been more pain than gain. I have persistant guilt, and too many things have been shattered. I have let my ex husband know how remorseful i am, and he actually has been respectful and decent even after all i put him through.

My current relationship included a recent proposal. I was very happy and thought i could move forward; but my youngest daughter has now disowned me and is very angry. She is 21 and will not accept the OM in my life-.

Any advice from people out there is greAtly appreciated

Do i move forward and get married hoping it will one dAy change? I am truly heartbroken in this current situaton

[Artdeco]

You should make your choice independent of what your daughter thinks or says. If you’re happy with your new boyfriend, then accept the M proposal, if you’re not, then think twice about it. It’s like any other relationship - if you’re not sure, don’t do it.

 

As far as children are concerned, i believe that they really shouldn’t have any input in their parents’ love life. As long as they’re very well taken care of, that is. If you are a mother with half a brain, and a loving mother in addition to that, then your decisions will – for the most part – be based on what’s best for the kids anyways.

 

In your particular case, the children are adults, and so I don’t think that you “owe” them anything any longer. You’ve raised them well. And now it’s time to make your decisions for your own happiness. Whether or not that involves your boyfriend, aka former OM, that should be entirely up to you.

[somanymistakes]

Kids sometimes can be very judgmental about affairs, especially if they feel that they personally were lied to, or that their lives were unreasonably disrupted.

 

It's difficult, because you can't and shouldn't let your daughter hold your life hostage to her whims, but at the same time, you want to show her that you love her and always will. Which probably means that you have to keep reaching out at regular intervals, knowing that she is going to slap your hand away and huff about it, because it's important to keep offering and to show that you won't just give up on her.

 

She's 21, she probably wasn't going to be living at home with you anyway.

[seren]

I would say that you need your ex husband on board for this, your daughter will or may take her lead from how he is dealing with it. My son heard chapter and verse when my H told me he had been having an A, my first thought was for his and his Dad to continue to have a great relationship so asked him to go hug his Dad and tell him he loved him. he did and they still have a great relationship (so do I and my H).

 

Your daughter may not accept your partner, not right away, but time is a great healer. I would sit down with her or write her a letter, let her know that you love her, that you and her father once had a loving relationship, but that things happen. That you still love her, want her to, if not accept your partner, to at least try to rebuild your and her relationship. Then it is up to her. You cannot put your life on hold forever. I hope it works out for you all.

[BaileyB]

It's hard. I have a friend who had an affair and ended her marriage to be with her affair partner. They have several children between them and their responses have ranged from being oblivious to not speaking to their parent. The stress of the affair and the other changes they have experienced as their parents divorced and established new home/new relationships has affected their grades and their happiness. Several of the kids have gone for counselling because they were struggling with stress and anxiety.

 

Personally and for my group of friends, we have struggled to accept this new relationship. He is a very nice man and they seem to be happy together, but I find myself keeping some distance. Although I am glad that my friend found happiness, I don't trust her in the same way that I did before the affair... I look at her differently now. My heart hurts for her husband and her children. It's fine but it's just not the same, something has been lost.

 

Time is a healer. Try to be sensitive to your daughters feelings and give her time. I'm sure it will all come together and be good again, but it will never be the same.

[BluesPower]

I don’t really know how to begin this thread....

Although my OM and I both left our marriages and have a great relationship, it has been my experience that there has been more pain than gain. I have persistant guilt, and too many things have been shattered. I have let my ex husband know how remorseful i am, and he actually has been respectful and decent even after all i put him through.

My current relationship included a recent proposal. I was very happy and thought i could move forward; but my youngest daughter has now disowned me and is very angry. She is 21 and will not accept the OM in my life-.

Any advice from people out there is greAtly appreciated

Do i move forward and get married hoping it will one dAy change? I am truly heartbroken in this current situaton

 

You know, I do hope that all of this can work out. I really do.

 

But honestly, what did you expect? You blew up two families, and you know you broke them up, because you were selfish and you could have maybe worked on your marriage.

 

You did this. Your daughter does not have a family because of you.

 

I know it hurts but when you get married to the other cheater, you will deserve each other.

 

You know, my cheating wife, really got pissed when I filed and started spending my weekends with one of my GF's at the time.

 

I will never understand why she reacted that way.

 

WHAT DID SHE EXPECT...

[BTDT2012]

You can move forward, but you shouldn't expect anything to change.

[Mr. Lucky]

I don’t really know how to begin this thread....

Although my OM and I both left our marriages and have a great relationship, it has been my experience that there has been more pain than gain. I have persistent guilt, and too many things have been shattered.

 

Given the "more pain than gain", "persistent guilt" and "many things have been shattered", why would you want to get married right now?

 

Doesn't sound like a recipe for success...

 

Mr. Lucky

[BaileyB]

Given the "more pain than gain", "persistent guilt" and "many things have been shattered", why would you want to get married right now?

 

Doesn't sound like a recipe for success...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

This, and a daughter that was not speaking with me... Well, that's not exactly how I would want to start a new marriage... Give it more time.

[adna89]

I just read you threads,you cheated 3 times,he has forgiven you and then you leave him ? not judging you but if i was the daughter i would react exactly the same way.You will need their father on your side but since he seems so decent and all even after your betrayal i guess he will talk to your daughter if you ask him

[theperfectlife]

My daughter was talking to me before the proposal, just refused to ever meet my new man because she knows he was the OM while married to her dad. I have apologized, shown remorse, and been there for her as much as she will allow. I suppose i had hopes that would eventually change. 4 years have passed, but I didnt realize the extent to which she would react.

I am trying to move forward and be happy without beating myself up every day

of my life

[adna89]

My daughter was talking to me before the proposal, just refused to ever meet my new man because she knows he was the OM while married to her dad. I have apologized, shown remorse, and been there for her as much as she will allow. I suppose i had hopes that would eventually change. 4 years have passed, but I didnt realize the extent to which she would react.

I am trying to move forward and be happy without beating myself up every day

of my life

 

yes you want her to accept him eventually but he will always be the OM who caused pain to her father and broke up his parents.so no need to try,she will talk to you isnt that enough? i guess marriage made her angry because now it will be official and harder to ignore him

[Dreamer2017]

Dear theperfectlife,

 

How do you expect your daughter react to the man whom her mother had an affair and broken up her family. I hope your affair and new life was worth the pain and destruction it caused for many of your loved ones.

 

Dreamer

[Mr. Lucky]

I am trying to move forward and be happy without beating myself up every day of my life

 

Part of that is being in touch with your state of mind and emotional needs. I'm with Bailey, seems like it would make sense to wait until it doesn't feel quite so forced. Your certainly have a right to your own happiness - as does your daughter...

 

Mr. Lucky

[theperfectlife]

2 weeks since proposal, youngest daughter still ignoring my texts. I would be relieved at this point if she and I could have a relationship again, even if she never meets my man. However i dont know how fulfilled i will be if she never lets me see her children one day(that is one of her threats). I don’t think i will return the ring....not in a rush to tie the knot! In counseling again, will give it time. Thoughts?

[BaileyB]

2 weeks since proposal, youngest daughter still ignoring my texts. I would be relieved at this point if she and I could have a relationship again, even if she never meets my man. However i dont know how fulfilled i will be if she never lets me see her children one day(that is one of her threats). I don’t think i will return the ring....not in a rush to tie the knot! In counseling again, will give it time. Thoughts?

 

You are engaged to a man who hasn't met your daughter... Yikes!

 

You forget that you had the affair and fractured the family during the formative years of her life... She doesn't have the experience to understand that sometimes life is complicated and good people sometimes do bad things... She is was a teen, and it is well known that teens know everything there is to know about life!

 

I say this a little tongue in cheek. Don't underestimate the effect this affair has had on your children - it has changed who they are as people. My best friend's mother had an affair when we were children... It divided her family and changed her life in so many ways. She is very successful and has a family of her own, but she still won't talk about her childhood or her parents divorce thirty years later.

 

Your daughter feels deeply betrayed... You betrayed her, you betrayed her father, and you betrayed your family... And, in a way you continue to betray her by staying with this man. In her eyes, I'm sure it feels like you have chosen this man over your family. It takes a lot of time to come to terms with these feelings, and the truth is that she may never come to terms with it.

 

It's different, but when my mother passed away, my father began another relationship two months after my mother's death. My mother's death was sudden and tragic, and in his grief he could not cope with life on his own. The problem was, he dismissed our grief and our feelings by forcing this woman on us. He actually told us once that "if we really loved him, we would want him to be happy." My response was - "Mom died a horrifically painful death less than six months ago, you are not supposed to be happy right now!" We needed time to grieve our mother and make some sense of her death, so when we refused to spend time with my father and his new girlfriend he told me that I was "denying them the pleasure of my company." For obvious reasons, he threw himself into this new relationship. Truly, it pained me to see my father hurting and I didn't want him to be alone or unhappy (the counsellor helped me by asking one day, don't you think your mother knew he couldn't be alone?). Still, it felt like he chose her over us and it felt like my feelings didn't matter... To make a long story short, I didn't want to lose my relationship with my father so soon after losing my mother... but, being with my father and his new girlfriend was so painful, that I couldn't do it for a really long time. It came to a head during one holiday gathering, where my brother and I basically told him that he needed to be more sensitive to the feelings of others or we were going to start putting some distance between us... That, got his attention. He stopped pushing, and things improved with a lot of time.

 

I would hope that someday your daughter will find a way to be a little more understanding, a little more flexible in her thinking, because she may not realize it now but it would be so sad for her to lose her relationship with her mother. But, I would also hope that you understand that no relationship with a man is worth losing the relationship with your children.

 

My best advice. Give it time and keep your relationships very separate for now. Don't pressure her, but continue to reach out to your daughter. Love her as best you can, because she is also in pain right now. It may be expressed through anger, but it is pain.

Edited August 12, 2018 by BaileyB

[Mr. Lucky]

....not in a rush to tie the knot! In counseling again, will give it time. Thoughts?

 

Seems like a smart thing to do. Difficult situations can cause us to focus on our own needs at the expense of others and I'm sure this news feels like insult on top of injury for your daughter. First the affair and now the news you're marrying your AP, lots of things for family members to process.

 

You may have to accept your daughter might never want to attend - or have you attend - a family function when your fiancee's involved. Life's choices have consequences...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Betrayed&Stayed]

My daughter was talking to me before the proposal, just refused to ever meet my new man because she knows he was the OM while married to her dad. I have apologized, shown remorse, and been there for her as much as she will allow. I suppose i had hopes that would eventually change. 4 years have passed, but I didnt realize the extent to which she would react.

I am trying to move forward and be happy without beating myself up every day

of my life

 

 

You're not sorry nor showing any remorse. If you did, you wouldn't be engaged to this OM. Whatever you have said to your daughter are empty words as long as you continue your relationship with your Affair partner.

[theperfectlife]

So it is your opinion that I give up my OM after living with him for 4 uears?

I am positive no one would treat me as good as he does, or love me the way he does.

[BluesPower]

So it is your opinion that I give up my OM after living with him for 4 uears?

 

I am positive no one would treat me as good as he does, or love me the way he does.

 

You see, this right here makes... everyone think that you really do not care that you destroyed your husband, that you destroyed your family, or that you destroyed your daughters life.

 

I know that you are responding to the previous post and I get that, but can you see how that sounds?

 

You know, affairs have consequences, a lot of them. Right now your daughter hates you. She may hate you for the rest of your life. She may never accept you, or your OM.

 

You should have known that this could happen, and you should have expected this. Did you not expect it? Did you think everyone would be as nice as your H? He is probably way to "nice" to tell you to your face that he actually hates your guts. Because I assure you that he does.

 

Now, maybe your H was abusive, OK, I get it. Maybe he was just too beta and eventually you just got sick of him, OK, I get it. Maybe he was just terrible in bed, and he never satisfied you the way that OM does, OK, I get it.

 

However, even if all of those things were true, you were still wrong in the way that you handled it. You were a selfish, coward, and what it more, you know it.

 

Now, you could have had the courage to divorce your husband, straight up. You could have just left, so why did you not do that? Because of the above reason.

 

So now, TO THE POINT OF THE THREAD...

 

Your daughter is not stupid, I will bet that she is in fact quite bright, and a capable young woman.

 

But now, you want her to fully accept you and your OM after everything that you have done. Really?

 

You see, affairs have consequences, and now you are facing them, was it worth it?

 

And if you choose to respond to my post, please, don't do it with on or two sentences, I would really like to know how you feel. I would like to know what you expected after you helped blow up two families? I would like to understand how you expected everyone to feel about your selfishness?

 

Do you think I am being too harsh? Do you wish that everyone would just get over it and love you?

[theperfectlife]

In response to questions asked.....

Yes, I have learned that affairs have consequences. I have had many sleepless nights, been in intermittent periods of deep depression, and question my place in this world after making the bad choice of having an affair and leaving my marriage.

 

Although i am VERY aware that Im not the victim, i have also suffered a great deal of loss and shame. I never gave the marriage a final shot in the end, and realize that now. I have been beating myself up almost daily for the past 4 years. But this can be self destructive too; therefore I am trying to forgive myself and move forward, but question weather this is ever going to be possible.

 

When i read the harsh responses i get in this forum, the guilt and shame comes pouring back....and continue to overpower the benefit of being in a healthy, loving relationship with this man. So no, it hasn't been worth it. I would love to rewind the clock and take it back but THAT IS NOT POSSIBLE. So this is my dilemma.

 

At the time of this affair, I originally planned that if i wanted to leave the marriage i would wait until my daughter graduated from high school. Ultimately, It was a stupid plan and DDAY happened a few months before the end of the school year.

 

So i see my options as follows......

1. Stay in my current relationship which is pretty solid and pray things change one day. Give it more time to see what happens

Or...

2. Break it off with my man, and feel guilty for hurting him and his 2 boys who are a big part of our lives. It would be a huge sacrifice, but hopefully my daughter would forgive me and we could have a more normal relationship

[theperfectlife]

After reading back my last response, i realize i didnt answer all questions.

 

What did i expect?

Well i thought with time perhaps my daughter would want to see me happy. Maybe she would see that I have not abandoned her. I guess maybe i was crazy to think that way. I didnt think she would be thrilled with the news, but honestly was suprised by her angry reaction. I didnt think i would have to choose between them".......

[BluesPower]

In response to questions asked.....

Yes, I have learned that affairs have consequences. I have had many sleepless nights, been in intermittent periods of deep depression, and question my place in this world after making the bad choice of having an affair and leaving my marriage.

 

Although i am VERY aware that Im not the victim, i have also suffered a great deal of loss and shame. I never gave the marriage a final shot in the end, and realize that now. I have been beating myself up almost daily for the past 4 years. But this can be self destructive too; therefore I am trying to forgive myself and move forward, but question weather this is ever going to be possible.

 

When i read the harsh responses i get in this forum, the guilt and shame comes pouring back....and continue to overpower the benefit of being in a healthy, loving relationship with this man. So no, it hasn't been worth it. I would love to rewind the clock and take it back but THAT IS NOT POSSIBLE. So this is my dilemma.

 

At the time of this affair, I originally planned that if i wanted to leave the marriage i would wait until my daughter graduated from high school. Ultimately, It was a stupid plan and DDAY happened a few months before the end of the school year.

 

So i see my options as follows......

1. Stay in my current relationship which is pretty solid and pray things change one day. Give it more time to see what happens

Or...

2. Break it off with my man, and feel guilty for hurting him and his 2 boys who are a big part of our lives. It would be a huge sacrifice, but hopefully my daughter would forgive me and we could have a more normal relationship

 

That was really honest of you. I am proud of you for writing that.

 

I wish I could tell you something that would help. It sounds like you and your OM wound up together by default.

 

Listen, what is done is done. You are right, you cannot change it. I have things that I carry guilt for, I still carry that guilt. Maybe I will forever.

 

I guess just stay the course, unless someone has a better suggestion.

 

Maybe your daughter will get over it some day, and maybe she won't, who can really say.

 

I have to ask this, is your OM the love of your life? Because if he really is, I don't really see how you could actually give him up, or is he just the default guy that you wound up with after your husband divorced you?

 

I ask because I have been with the love of my life for a year now. And I would crawl through glass to stay with her, do you feel that way?

[theperfectlife]

I thought he was the love of my life, but the circumstances have been weighing me down.....

I dont know anymore

[BaileyB]

A side question - what was your relationship with your daughter before the engagement? You’ve said that she has disowned you and will not speak with you since the engagement. You have also said that it has been four years since d-day/divorce. Did you have a close relationship with your daughter before d-day? What kind of relationship did you have after d-day - were you talking? Did she live with you or did she see you often? Have you been involved in her life?

 

Also curious to know about your other children. Are you close with your other children? How have they handled the affair and the divorce? What do they think of their sister’s reaction?

 

I’m just trying to get a sense of the family dynamics. If you have previously shared a close relationship with your daughter, there may be a better chance that she will, for lack of a better word, “come around” with time. Especially if she sees her siblings handling things differently, it may influence her decision. BUT, it will depend on her personality and her relationship with you. Have you flaunted your new relationship and/or pressured her to meet or accept “your man.” (I have to say, I’m not your daughter and I would hope that you don’t say that in front of your children, but it bothers me when you use that phrase - it sounds selfish, entitled, and it feels to me like you are flaunting your new relationship). And have you spent time with her since d-day, investing and rebuilding the relationship?