4 years later/both [former affair] partners left marriages [new proposal]

[BluesPower]

I’m sorry, but at some point adult children need to accept their parents’ decisions. She had an affair, yes, but she also says that right now she’s in a happy relationship with that man. Why take that from her? Why make her unhappy just because family members don’t approve of the choice she made? The daughter is 21, the OP has been in this R for FOUR years. That’s a solid R in my opinion, also based on what op states. The exH has moved on. Why can’t the daughter? The other daughter seems accepting, so why ruining a good R? Because it started a certain way? Ok, I get that, but I’m sure they’ve worked through the pain, and at some point everybody needs to move on. I’m sure the A didn’t exactly happen in a vacuum, either. I’m not saying that all affairs come out of unhappy marriages, but in this case the A partners got engaged and have a serious relationship and it seems to be working well.

 

Are people seriously suggesting that op break up with this man, in order to appease her daughter? I think that’s utterly ridiculous. If the daughter accepts her mother’s financial support for her college education, then I’m sure she can accept her mother’s life choices. I’m sure it’s a hard thing to get over, even for older kids, but this special case is a little bit extreme IMO. The mother made a choice. She likes the outcome, minus the issues with her ONE daughter. I think that’s a no-brainer.

 

As much as I usually agree... I just cannot here.

 

If the things you are saying were simply about mom deciding to divorce, I would completely agree.

 

But affairs are different. In this thread, I get the feeling, just a feeling, that OP frankly just got board with her marriage, which was not really bad, just bland maybe. Further, I am also thinking that she might have felt a little entitled to get some strange on the side and keep it quiet.

 

But she got caught. She has blown up her family for no other reason than selfishness, and entitlement. And both kids were old enough to see what happened.

 

Now for OP, she really did not think she would get caught, and I bet that she did not think that her H would have the ball to divorce her. But he did.

 

So those girls witnessed that pain that THEIR father went though, and they are pissed, even if the youngest is whistling past the grave yard. I actually have one that does that as well.

 

So I don't know if the youngest will have issues later in life. But the oldest knows what happened and frankly she probably hates her mother and will for a while.

 

And let me say that I could be wrong about some of this.

 

But a marriage blown up by an affair where mom stays with OM, to 1000 times different than a divorce...

[Artdeco]

As much as I usually agree... I just cannot here.

 

If the things you are saying were simply about mom deciding to divorce, I would completely agree.

 

But affairs are different. In this thread, I get the feeling, just a feeling, that OP frankly just got board with her marriage, which was not really bad, just bland maybe. Further, I am also thinking that she might have felt a little entitled to get some strange on the side and keep it quiet.

 

But she got caught. She has blown up her family for no other reason than selfishness, and entitlement. And both kids were old enough to see what happened.

 

Now for OP, she really did not think she would get caught, and I bet that she did not think that her H would have the ball to divorce her. But he did.

 

So those girls witnessed that pain that THEIR father went though, and they are pissed, even if the youngest is whistling past the grave yard. I actually have one that does that as well.

 

So I don't know if the youngest will have issues later in life. But the oldest knows what happened and frankly she probably hates her mother and will for a while.

 

And let me say that I could be wrong about some of this.

 

But a marriage blown up by an affair where mom stays with OM, to 1000 times different than a divorce...

 

As I understand, the older one is fine, and the younger one is the 21-year old who has the issues with her mom. I understand that it’s hard and that people are different, and cope differently, and if she wants to grieve and/or pout, so be it. I’m sure she’ll come around. What would she say if her mother didn’t want to meet her bf/fiancé bc of whatever reason. If they met the wrong way? If he has the wrong religion, the wrong job, .... ? We’re talking about adults here, people, not children, not toddlers, not teens, not highschoolers. Adults!

[BluesPower]

As I understand, the older one is fine, and the younger one is the 21-year old who has the issues with her mom. I understand that it’s hard and that people are different, and cope differently, and if she wants to grieve and/or pout, so be it. I’m sure she’ll come around. What would she say if her mother didn’t want to meet her bf/fiancé bc of whatever reason. If they met the wrong way? If he has the wrong religion, the wrong job, .... ? We’re talking about adults here, people, not children, not toddlers, not teens, not highschoolers. Adults!

 

Have you yourself, ever been a victim of infidelity, on either side or as a child?

 

I don't think that you quite understand how damaging it can really be for everyone involved.

 

Maybe you just don't think it is that big of a deal and everyone should get over it.

 

I just disagree...

[Artdeco]

Have you yourself, ever been a victim of infidelity, on either side or as a child?

 

I don't think that you quite understand how damaging it can really be for everyone involved.

 

Maybe you just don't think it is that big of a deal and everyone should get over it.

 

I just disagree...

 

Yes, I have been cheated on in the past during a long-term relationship. I found out, then he wanted to stay and reconcile, I tried, but in the end it didn’t work out.

 

My parents got divorced at some point in my childhood. Not sure if any of them had an affair at all, but my mother had a boyfriend not too long after the divorce. So that could indicate that infidelity DURING the M did happen (very likely). AND i did consider and was aware of that. I did not like the fact per se that my parents got divorced, especially because I had no siblings to share my grief with, but I was happy for my mother that she found a person who did match her almost perfectly. With my dad, she was always “fine”, and “happy-ish”, but with her new H, she’s been - ever since - extremely happy. Bubbly, outgoing, louder, just ..... i don’t know ..... different in a good way. And my dad did def NOT want to get a D!

 

It took me a while to accept that, but it did not take too long, and I never disrespected my mother for that. Even during my “coming to terms with the broken home” phase, I was always respectful of my mother and her new BF, now H.

 

My dad is still single by the way. Dates around like no other. But he has a lot of girlfriends all.the.time. And he’s in his 60s. ?