Emerald1 Posted August 7, 2018 Share Posted August 7, 2018 My best friend (like a sister)is having an affair with a married man. It is her fourth affair in about 5 years. Her husband and her are both friends of mine but she is my dear friend. She has confided in me about these different relationships and I’ve asked her to not because it is tearing me up. Her husband comes over and spills his heart to me about his hurts that he thinks she’s having an affair. The thing is she wants me to join her and her husband on dinner dates with her lover and his wife (wifey doesn’t know). I have refused several invites. I just can not wrap my head around why she wants to have dinners staging her husband together with her lover and his wife??? I feel so disgusted about the whole thing. I also feel guilty that I’m not upholding her and her choices. I’m really trying not to judge but the fact is I don’t understand any of it. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted August 7, 2018 Share Posted August 7, 2018 I also feel guilty that I’m not upholding her and her choices. I’m really trying not to judge but the fact is I don’t understand any of it. If she was planning on robbing a bank, would you feel pressured to uphold that choice also? Your friend is not only doing the wrong thing, she’s involving you. I’d put some distance between you... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Malin889 Posted August 7, 2018 Share Posted August 7, 2018 OK, the dinner dates with the other couple is super weird and creepy. And this is her fourth affair, you said? Does the husband know? It’s one thing if she’s venting to you about her problems, but it’s another thing if she’s making you go on these dates with them. Just politely tell her that you cannot be a part of her charade. If she doesn’t smarten up soon, she’s going to end up alone. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted August 7, 2018 Share Posted August 7, 2018 She's being very unfair to you. Tell her you can have no part in any of this. She's got a serious problem, not only repeated affairs but wanting to have her AP and his wife socialize with her and her H? That's a really sick game. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Emerald1 Posted August 7, 2018 Author Share Posted August 7, 2018 Thanks for that. You’re right of course. I guess I didn’t mean supporting her choices as much as I feel conflicted about not supporting her. I think you’re right. I feel like I need distance and have felt a bit guilty about that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Emerald1 Posted August 7, 2018 Author Share Posted August 7, 2018 OK, the dinner dates with the other couple is super weird and creepy. And this is her fourth affair, you said? Does the husband know? It’s one thing if she’s venting to you about her problems, but it’s another thing if she’s making you go on these dates with them. Just politely tell her that you cannot be a part of her charade. If she doesn’t smarten up soon, she’s going to end up alone. Her husband knew about the first one. He knows something is going on but can’t figure it out. He just asked me (2 days ago) if she was affairing with one of his (and my) mutual friends. I told him absolutely not. I am so tired of this always coming back to me. I really want nothing to do with it and am feeling resentful (and angry) and sad about the whole thing. I love her but find myself being evasive with her husband about all of his questions. The thing is, I am a very straight forward kind of person. Being evasive with her husband feels as if I am lying. I really feel terrible about the whole thing....about myself. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Emerald1 Posted August 7, 2018 Author Share Posted August 7, 2018 Her husband knew about the first one. He knows something is going on but can’t figure it out. He just asked me (2 days ago) if she was affairing with one of his (and my) mutual friends. I told him absolutely not. I am so tired of this always coming back to me. I really want nothing to do with it and am feeling resentful (and angry) and sad about the whole thing. I love her but find myself being evasive with her husband about all of his questions. The thing is, I am a very straight forward kind of person. Being evasive with her husband feels as if I am lying. I really feel terrible about the whole thing....about myself. I attended one dinner before I knew he was her lover. I am very intuitive and was sitting next to his wife when all of the sudden I had the thought that she thought my friend and her husband were having an affair. I looked over at both of them and wondered. A week later she told me. I have not went to another and there have been several. Link to post Share on other sites
AMarriedMan Posted August 7, 2018 Share Posted August 7, 2018 I find it unethical to not only have the affairs but involve you in them. Your friend has problems in moral development. Is she really as dense as to not realize what this is doing to you? Is someone that self-absorbed really worth keeping around as a friend? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted August 7, 2018 Share Posted August 7, 2018 My best friend (like a sister)is having an affair with a married man. It is her fourth affair in about 5 years. Her husband and her are both friends of mine but she is my dear friend. She has confided in me about these different relationships and I’ve asked her to not because it is tearing me up. Her husband comes over and spills his heart to me about his hurts that he thinks she’s having an affair. The thing is she wants me to join her and her husband on dinner dates with her lover and his wife (wifey doesn’t know). I have refused several invites. I just can not wrap my head around why she wants to have dinners staging her husband together with her lover and his wife??? I feel so disgusted about the whole thing. I also feel guilty that I’m not upholding her and her choices. I’m really trying not to judge but the fact is I don’t understand any of it. I've been in your situation with a cousin of mine. We were so close but I had to let her go. I have to stand for something; otherwise I'll fall for anything. I feel if a person can do something like this to someone else they can do it to you. I cut them off. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted August 7, 2018 Share Posted August 7, 2018 Tell her husband. End the friendship & enjoy your clear conscious. Link to post Share on other sites
Malin889 Posted August 7, 2018 Share Posted August 7, 2018 Her husband knew about the first one. He knows something is going on but can’t figure it out. He just asked me (2 days ago) if she was affairing with one of his (and my) mutual friends. I told him absolutely not. I am so tired of this always coming back to me. I really want nothing to do with it and am feeling resentful (and angry) and sad about the whole thing. I love her but find myself being evasive with her husband about all of his questions. The thing is, I am a very straight forward kind of person. Being evasive with her husband feels as if I am lying. I really feel terrible about the whole thing....about myself. If the husband is asking you... you may want to tell him. Do you consider him a friend? I would tell him, as hard as it may be. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted August 7, 2018 Share Posted August 7, 2018 Her husband knew about the first one. He knows something is going on but can’t figure it out. If the husband knows he was cheated on and suspects it's happening again, this is even more of a slow-motion train wreck than you initially described. And your friend's behavior in gathering all these participants (willing and unwilling) is weirdly compulsive and obviously self-destructive. None of it is anything I'd want any part of... Mr. Lucky 2 Link to post Share on other sites
darkmoon Posted August 7, 2018 Share Posted August 7, 2018 unless you are a trained actor, that dinner will be difficult to carry off, imo, I would find it tricky she sounds like she wants drama, and you are invited to the theater 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Ralph79 Posted August 7, 2018 Share Posted August 7, 2018 What an unfortunate situation you are in. How inconsiderate of your dear friend to share this with you. I know she needed someone to talk to, but knowing her husband has access to you made you the last person she should've opened up to. She knew that, but was selfish and didn't care about the consequences you will eventually face because the truth always comes out. The Husband will know you knew and you will only come out looking like a bad friend to everyone, even if they patch things up after everything comes crashing down. I would suggest you tell your friend that if she continues to discuss her affairs with you , that you will be forced to either keep your distance or worse tell her husband. It's one thing to be a good friend and give advice and recommend counseling. But she's compromising your integrity by making you her alibi/accomplice. You probably are enabling more dishonesty by omitting the truth form her husband and not helping her fix her life. So if you truly want to be her friend and support her, you have to help see that there are some consequences to her actions. At least in regards to your friendship to start with. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
marky00 Posted August 12, 2018 Share Posted August 12, 2018 Her husband knew about the first one. He knows something is going on but can’t figure it out. He just asked me (2 days ago) if she was affairing with one of his (and my) mutual friends. I told him absolutely not. I am so tired of this always coming back to me. I really want nothing to do with it and am feeling resentful (and angry) and sad about the whole thing. I love her but find myself being evasive with her husband about all of his questions. The thing is, I am a very straight forward kind of person. Being evasive with her husband feels as if I am lying. I really feel terrible about the whole thing....about myself. Why say the part in bold? I'd be feeling guilty if I said it like that as well. Maybe you could have said something like "not that I am aware of". That way, he still might be suspicious and try and uncover it himself. "Absolutely not" are very strong words, especially when what you said is totally untrue. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted August 12, 2018 Share Posted August 12, 2018 She's pulling some sick stuff. I don't know what kind of game she's playing but you certainly should not be any part of it. Her husband already know she's cheating. I realize your allegiances have been mostly to this woman who you're close with like a sister, but if you're really that close you are to be able to express your full opinion on this and tell her how twisted you think it is and immoral and not right and that she's hurting her husband and that you will be no part of it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
OatsAndHall Posted August 12, 2018 Share Posted August 12, 2018 I'll be blunt here... I'm sorry that you got stuck in this situation but you've chosen to stay stuck in it. I would have tapped out on it a long time ago. I understand that she's your friend but she's a pretty sh-tty person to be hanging around with if she's screwing around and then coming to you. A part of me wants to suggest that you just tell the husband and then tap out of it. But the rest of me teeters towards telling him "Look, I'm sorry you're having problems in your marriage but please leave me out of this." And then cut off contact with the both of them. An acquaintance of mine was hinting about having an affair about a year ago. I told him to get the damn thought out of his head and that I didn't want to hear anything more about it. I wasn't going to get caught up in any of that crap. We haven't spoken much since and I'm fine with that. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Malin889 Posted August 12, 2018 Share Posted August 12, 2018 I'll be blunt here... I'm sorry that you got stuck in this situation but you've chosen to stay stuck in it. I would have tapped out on it a long time ago. I understand that she's your friend but she's a pretty sh-tty person to be hanging around with if she's screwing around and then coming to you. A part of me wants to suggest that you just tell the husband and then tap out of it. But the rest of me teeters towards telling him "Look, I'm sorry you're having problems in your marriage but please leave me out of this." And then cut off contact with the both of them. An acquaintance of mine was hinting about having an affair about a year ago. I told him to get the damn thought out of his head and that I didn't want to hear anything more about it. I wasn't going to get caught up in any of that crap. We haven't spoken much since and I'm fine with that. I'm guessing people who are about to have affairs or are having affairs want someone to tell them it's ok, to validate it in someway? Maybe that's why your acquaintance was hinting to you about it, and why OP's friend keeps pulling her into her charade. Like, if a friend knows about it, they think somehow it's ok? I dunno. Just a thought! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted August 12, 2018 Share Posted August 12, 2018 If one of my dear friends wanted me to keep a secret about her multiple affairs, she'd no longer be one of my dear friends. I have a lot of friends and I would drop her in a heartbeat. And if her husband asked me why, I'd tell him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
OatsAndHall Posted August 13, 2018 Share Posted August 13, 2018 I'm guessing people who are about to have affairs or are having affairs want someone to tell them it's ok, to validate it in someway? Maybe that's why your acquaintance was hinting to you about it, and why OP's friend keeps pulling her into her charade. Like, if a friend knows about it, they think somehow it's ok? I dunno. Just a thought! Yes, my acquaintance expected us to validate his potential choice to have an affair and didn't like the responses he got. He spends countless hours complaining and we've all told him to handle his issues at home. BUT... He's also aware that we don't care for his wife as none of us will spend time with the two of them together. I've never complained about her openly to him and simply avoid her. He probably took that as some kind of weird cue that I'd back him up and was shocked and angry when I told him to get his sh-t together. But, I do believe you're right; many cheaters will confide in their friends when it comes to affairs and look for acceptance from them. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Leigh 87 Posted August 14, 2018 Share Posted August 14, 2018 Imagine you were really in love with you're husband, and he was having affairs. Would you really give a damn about your husband maintaining a "friendship" with the person who knew all about it? No. No you wouldn't. You would probably want to know. The husband has a right to lead an honest life with a partner who chooses to not cheat. She is not your only friend. What you share is not so sacred that it over rides her poor husbands right to lead an honest life with an honest partner. Your friend lacks morals and whatever she means to you, rest assures you mean a whole lot less to her. She will always put her needs first, she has proven this to you through her actions towards the person she is the closest to. This is sickening. Poor guy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Emerald1 Posted August 19, 2018 Author Share Posted August 19, 2018 The man he referred to is NOT the man she is having the affair with. Link to post Share on other sites
Arieswoman Posted August 19, 2018 Share Posted August 19, 2018 Emerald1, I agree with other posters who say you need to distance yourself from your so-called 'friend'. Like most cheaters she has entitlement issues and a total lack of boundaries. She probably gets off on the idea of having this dysfunctional dinnerdate. It sounds to me like she has narcissistic tendencies, certainly she has a total lack of empathy. When you allowed her to confide in you about her other affairs, you set a precedent. You sent out the message that you were OK with what she was doing and even supported her. Now she wants to take it a stage further and involve you in her cruel games. You need to stop right now and ask yourself if this person is really that good a friend to you? You also need to stop being a shoulder for her husband to cry on. Tell her straight that you are fed-up with her drama and that you don't want to hear any more about it. Then you will see how long she stays around once you stop giving her free counselling/support. I also agree with what posters say about cheaters needing validation/support to stay in/continue affairs. Don't be an emotional crutch for her, you'll just end up emotionally drained and as screwed up as she is. You know you are better than all this, so act on that fact 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BettyDraper Posted August 19, 2018 Share Posted August 19, 2018 I recently ended a friendship over a similar situation. My former friend was an unrepentant cheater and she wanted me to socialize with her husband despite knowing what she was doing. I couldn’t do that. Stay away from people like your “friend”. They will stab you in the back without a second thought. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted August 19, 2018 Share Posted August 19, 2018 Have you distanced yourself from her yet Emerald? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts