No trust left, not sure if I should divorce

[Sugarkane]

Hi my husband and I are both 31 with a 4 year old daughter. Long story. I found out I was pregnant early on in the relationship and after I had lost my job. Lived with the in laws and my MIL and SIL are VERY INTERFERRING. I get post natal depression because so many things so wrong.

 

I studied and tried everything to get work but couldn't. My father made HUGE promises to help us out if we needed and that he would sell his vintage car. We moved out into my SIL place and my in laws were going to gradually increase the days with us and our daughter.

 

 

I tried everything to get work but couldn't. My dad lies that he made these grand promises to sell his vintage car to help us out. My parents inherit twice and knowing that we're struggling, all they care about is going overseas on two holidays, both taking two months. As always all my dad cares about is going on holiday. My husband works long hours but its not enough to cover the expenses.

 

We have to move back in with my in laws because we can't afford the place. My SIL is controlling and threatens to keep my child. She says she is a better person "because she earns more money". Constantly threatens and screams me in front of my child. My in laws do nothing.

 

I end up leaving and needing my parents help getting my child because my in laws don't let me be alone with my child. Yet they allow my abusive sister in law too.

 

I go back to my parents. But they use my husband against me because he's still living with them at that stage.

He promises me that they won't take legal action and they'll kick my sister in law out.

 

I don't know what to do. I made the worst decision and trusted them. I go back and I get a letter saying they're taking me to court and taking custody. And they don't kick my SIL out.

 

I was horrified and didn't know what to do. I went home with my parents. And my in laws kicked out my dumb husband after they got what they wanted- my daughter. And my SIL is still living there, even after threatening and calling us a mooch many times.

 

My husband talked me back into coming back to him. But I just have too anger. I don't understand how he can be that stupid. That he thought it was more important that his parents destroy our family, than for us to be with my daughter.

 

You all said that they wouldn't get interim custody but they did. Now I have to be supervised by my in laws. Which is atrocious.

 

 

MODERATION NOTE: MORE BACK STORY CAN BE FOUND HERE>> My in laws filed for custody of my daughter, now we are living separately

Edited December 19, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Sugarkane]

I'm at my wits end being married to this idiot. And my husband just expects me to have another child, after all this trauma.

[BaileyB]

Please don't have another child.

 

This whole situation is dysfunctional and you can not afford to have another child. The courts don't usually require aupervised visits without a very good reason.

 

Leave your husband if you want to leave. Please, don't have another child.

[Mr. Lucky]

My father made HUGE promises to help us out if we needed and that he would sell his vintage car. We moved out into my SIL place and my in laws were going to gradually increase the days with us and our daughter.

 

 

I tried everything to get work but couldn't. My dad lies that he made these grand promises to sell his vintage car to help us out. My parents inherit twice and knowing that we're struggling, all they care about is going overseas on two holidays, both taking two months. As always all my dad cares about is going on holiday. My husband works long hours but its not enough to cover the expenses.

 

A little bit confusing to follow but I'm sorry you find yourself in this position.

 

I'm trying to understand your anger at your father. You and your husband are married, both adults, so why is it your dad's job to bail you out of financial difficulties? You don't seem to just expect his help, it's pretty clear you feel entitled to it.

 

Given that approach, not sure I'd be in a hurry to assist your either...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Sugarkane]

Because my dad makes these grand promises and then goes back on his word. Then my dad has a go at me and says I should've been "able to just know this was going to happen". As if I've got a crystal ball or something. Then he goes on these massive holidays and brags about it. As if just to put the knife in.

 

 

A little bit confusing to follow but I'm sorry you find yourself in this position.

 

I'm trying to understand your anger at your father. You and your husband are married, both adults, so why is it your dad's job to bail you out of financial difficulties? You don't seem to just expect his help, it's pretty clear you feel entitled to it.

 

Given that approach, not sure I'd be in a hurry to assist your either...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Sugarkane]

I don't trust my husband enough to have another child.

Please don't have another child.

 

This whole situation is dysfunctional and you can not afford to have another child. The courts don't usually require aupervised visits without a very good reason.

 

Leave your husband if you want to leave. Please, don't have another child.

[basil67]

In light of your history and other current thread where you state that you only have supervised access to your child, I believe something happened which made your father change his mind about helping you.

 

How long ago did he make the offer? What expectations did he place on you when he made the offer?

[Els]

You all said that they wouldn't get interim custody but they did. Now I have to be supervised by my in laws. Which is atrocious.

 

 

The courts don't remove custody from the biological mother (especially when she hasn't even divorced the biological father) under NORMAL circumstances. They would need to prove that you are completely incapable of parenting, in order for that to happen. Clearly there is something going on with your situation that we are all unaware of.

 

 

Sugarkane, in all these years nothing has changed. You are still blaming everyone else for your situation except yourself. This has happened from the very start (your MIL "forced" you to go through with your pregnancy, you "couldn't" make any decisions regarding that), throughout the entire lifetime of your daughter (you "couldn't" get a job in all this time, your father didn't give you the financial help you feel entitled to), and finally culminates with blaming LS for your court's decision.

 

 

Come on, girl. For as long as you refuse to take ownership of your own life and your own choices instead of playing the victim, nothing will change. Divorce your husband if you want to, blame him all you want, that won't solve anything.

[d0nnivain]

If you get a divorce, how & where will you live? I think step one for you is getting a job.

[amber_haeg]

This is so bad I feel for you.

 

But try your best to take some control in the situation -- there are so many resources online -- take a few min daily to see if you can make extra money on the internet and get financially stable.

 

I learned this too myself -- financial independence is more important than ever - if you can focus on getting a job or extra money you will have more control in situation.

[Sugarkane]

So its ok for my dad to make HUGE promises, break them and then call me a liar? How is that?

 

When I left the hospital for severe post natal depression. I was referred to a specialist that cost over $300 per appointment. I was struggling. I tried to get ANY low paying job I get. I would've taken anything, I'm not arrogant.

But being the job market that it is couldn't get one.

 

 

So how was I supposed to afford this doctor, to avoid this custody battle from happening and therefore I could've proved myself well enough in court. Instead of being punished for being poor at the time?

 

 

 

A little bit confusing to follow but I'm sorry you find yourself in this position.

 

I'm trying to understand your anger at your father. You and your husband are married, both adults, so why is it your dad's job to bail you out of financial difficulties? You don't seem to just expect his help, it's pretty clear you feel entitled to it.

 

Given that approach, not sure I'd be in a hurry to assist your either...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Sugarkane]

Isn't that what family is supposed to do? Help you when you're having a tough time? Actually have your back?

 

 

So how was I supposed to afford an expensive doctor I was referred to, if I couldn't afford it? I wanted to work and would've happily done any job. All I wanted was someone to give me a chance. I'm a reliable person and worked 7 years at my old job.

 

 

The courts don't remove custody from the biological mother (especially when she hasn't even divorced the biological father) under NORMAL circumstances. They would need to prove that you are completely incapable of parenting, in order for that to happen. Clearly there is something going on with your situation that we are all unaware of.

 

 

Sugarkane, in all these years nothing has changed. You are still blaming everyone else for your situation except yourself. This has happened from the very start (your MIL "forced" you to go through with your pregnancy, you "couldn't" make any decisions regarding that), throughout the entire lifetime of your daughter (you "couldn't" get a job in all this time, your father didn't give you the financial help you feel entitled to), and finally culminates with blaming LS for your court's decision.

 

 

Come on, girl. For as long as you refuse to take ownership of your own life and your own choices instead of playing the victim, nothing will change. Divorce your husband if you want to, blame him all you want, that won't solve anything.

[anika99]

It's nice when family can help but parents are not obligated to their children once those children become adults and have children of their own. I raised my kids as a single parent and never got a penny of help from my parents after the day I left home and I was only sixteen when I left.

 

Now my oldest son has his own kids and I love him and I love his kids but frankly I do not wish be financially responsible for his children. Thankfully he works hard and does what he has to to take care of his children. I've seen him suffer through having to stick by a job that he hates, I've seen him sacrafice so much for the good of his family. He never buys himself anything, never indulges himself, rarely even takes a few hours for himself. He has never asked anyone for money and he was only 22 when his first was born and now he has 3. I'm not rich but if he asked me for help I would do my best to help but not because it's my duty or my obligation, but because I know he pours his heart and soul into taking care of his kids, he gives 100% of himself and he never complains. He would never ask for help unless there was truly nothing more he could do to help himself.

 

Now I don't agree with your father reneging on his offer to help you but it is what it is. If helping you requires that he sells his vintage car which is likely a prized possession then clearly he is not rich and does not have loads of cash available to give away. He shouldn't have made a promise he can't keep but he is not responsible for his married 30yr old adult daughter. You have a husband. Two adults in their thirties should be able to support themselves.

 

All of your threads are about what people are not doing for you, what people are not giving you. Your focus needs to shift from stewing on what you think the world and everyone in it owes you to what you are going to do to help yourself. You owe you. All this resentment about what you are not getting isn't helping or changing your situation. You have a husband. The two of you should be able to figure this out.

[d0nnivain]

So how was I supposed to afford an expensive doctor I was referred to, if I couldn't afford it? .

 

You are not. You tell both the referring source & the expensive doctor that you can't afford the expensive doctor & you ask them both for a referral to somebody more affordable or you seek out charity care.

[NuevoYorko]

Yes, you should get a divorce. You consider your husband an idiot. That is reason enough.

 

I understand your child is in the custody of your in-laws. This is the perfect opportunity for you to strike off on your own and get yourself sorted out. It's time that you learned to be responsible for yourself and your own life. For many of us this includes asking for help - not financial help, but in the form of therapy to aid us in overcoming stumbling blocks.

 

You are a grown woman with a child - I encourage you to take charge of your life. Hopefully you will be very involved with your daughter's daily life in the near future.

[Els]

Isn't that what family is supposed to do? Help you when you're having a tough time? Actually have your back?

 

 

No, it's not something you should expect. If I had a child who was 31 years old, able-bodied with a child of their own and EXPECTING me to finance them, I would not do so even if I could afford it, because I would be teaching them that they don't have to take responsibility for their own choices and life despite their advanced age. If I kept bailing them out, how would they ever learn to be independent?

 

 

So how was I supposed to afford an expensive doctor I was referred to, if I couldn't afford it?

 

 

Huh? Australia has universal healthcare. Are you not eligible for Medicare? There are restrictions on which doctors you can see, but why do you need THIS particular doctor?

[Sugarkane]

So why did he lie about helping me out? Then say it "was in jest"? That's very callous. Should I do the same when he needs my help one day? As I said before I tried everything to get work and was willing to do anything. I applied for hundreds of jobs. I was willing to do anything, I'm not stuck up.

 

 

It's true that there is Medicare, but as I said before, I still needed well over $300 up front. You only get some money back later. It doesn't help if you don't have the money upfront, to begin with.

 

 

No, it's not something you should expect. If I had a child who was 31 years old, able-bodied with a child of their own and EXPECTING me to finance them, I would not do so even if I could afford it, because I would be teaching them that they don't have to take responsibility for their own choices and life despite their advanced age. If I kept bailing them out, how would they ever learn to be independent?

 

 

 

 

 

Huh? Australia has universal healthcare. Are you not eligible for Medicare? There are restrictions on which doctors you can see, but why do you need THIS particular doctor?

[Sugarkane]

So one day if my parents need help. Should I lie about helping them, say it's "in jest", go on holiday and then brag about it?

[Sugarkane]

Only problem is I don't know my chances of getting custody, if I divorce him.

Yes, you should get a divorce. You consider your husband an idiot. That is reason enough.

 

I understand your child is in the custody of your in-laws. This is the perfect opportunity for you to strike off on your own and get yourself sorted out. It's time that you learned to be responsible for yourself and your own life. For many of us this includes asking for help - not financial help, but in the form of therapy to aid us in overcoming stumbling blocks.

 

You are a grown woman with a child - I encourage you to take charge of your life. Hopefully you will be very involved with your daughter's daily life in the near future.

[BaileyB]

Only problem is I don't know my chances of getting custody, if I divorce him.

 

In all fairness, I'm not sure that your chances of getting custody are any higher, if you stay together. Before you get your child back, you must demonstrate that you are stable, financially and emotionally capable of providing a home and caring for a child... It sounds like you have yet to demonstrate that.

[Sugarkane]

I've been working real hard, but our costs are high, have to pay other people we sometimes share jobs with and my husband refuses to move. We've had a couple of large customers not pay us, which didn't help.

 

It costs money to go back to court and do courses etc. Problem is if I get another job, then I'm unavailable to help my husband do the larger jobs.

 

 

In all fairness, I'm not sure that your chances of getting custody are any higher, if you stay together. Before you get your child back, you must demonstrate that you are stable, financially and emotionally capable of providing a home and caring for a child... It sounds like you have yet to demonstrate that.

[Sugarkane]

Still arguing every day and husband refuses to communicate (Aspergers), even though we're trying to run a business together. Been trying to do marriage counselling, but we're still fighting 24/7.

 

I've never gotten over the anger over betraying me and telling me his parents weren't going to do and take custody. Then they kicked him out. I regret ever believing him that day. Yet he expects me just to trust him and have another child.

 

 

I'm really at my wits end here.

[Sugarkane]

That's great that you found it so easy ( was it decades ago when you left home? Jobs were easy to get decades ago) and you're son, but that doesn't help my situation.

 

 

My dad is a career firefighter and even though he loves to make out he's had it hard, he's had a job for life and has NEVER BEEN MADE REDUNDANT, unlike most people these days. His house needs a lot of repairs, but he always has his MUTLIPLE motorbikes, MULTIPLE cars and holidays. Yet he always complains how "hard" he's got it.

 

 

It's nice when family can help but parents are not obligated to their children once those children become adults and have children of their own. I raised my kids as a single parent and never got a penny of help from my parents after the day I left home and I was only sixteen when I left.

 

Now my oldest son has his own kids and I love him and I love his kids but frankly I do not wish be financially responsible for his children. Thankfully he works hard and does what he has to to take care of his children. I've seen him suffer through having to stick by a job that he hates, I've seen him sacrafice so much for the good of his family. He never buys himself anything, never indulges himself, rarely even takes a few hours for himself. He has never asked anyone for money and he was only 22 when his first was born and now he has 3. I'm not rich but if he asked me for help I would do my best to help but not because it's my duty or my obligation, but because I know he pours his heart and soul into taking care of his kids, he gives 100% of himself and he never complains. He would never ask for help unless there was truly nothing more he could do to help himself.

 

Now I don't agree with your father reneging on his offer to help you but it is what it is. If helping you requires that he sells his vintage car which is likely a prized possession then clearly he is not rich and does not have loads of cash available to give away. He shouldn't have made a promise he can't keep but he is not responsible for his married 30yr old adult daughter. You have a husband. Two adults in their thirties should be able to support themselves.

 

All of your threads are about what people are not doing for you, what people are not giving you. Your focus needs to shift from stewing on what you think the world and everyone in it owes you to what you are going to do to help yourself. You owe you. All this resentment about what you are not getting isn't helping or changing your situation. You have a husband. The two of you should be able to figure this out.

[Sugarkane]

Honestly surprised by some these answers. My dad making blatant lies about helping me out. Then saying its all "in jest". Then not doing it and calling me a liar. All his siblings took my (adult) cousins, which says it all.

[Sugarkane]

We were behind to begin with financially and it just got worse.

A little bit confusing to follow but I'm sorry you find yourself in this position.

 

I'm trying to understand your anger at your father. You and your husband are married, both adults, so why is it your dad's job to bail you out of financial difficulties? You don't seem to just expect his help, it's pretty clear you feel entitled to it.

 

Given that approach, not sure I'd be in a hurry to assist your either...

 

Mr. Lucky