No trust left, not sure if I should divorce

[Mardelis]

Honestly surprised by some these answers. My dad making blatant lies about helping me out. Then saying its all "in jest". Then not doing it and calling me a liar. All his siblings took my (adult) cousins, which says it all.

 

 

You've said multiple times that your dad promised to sell his vintage car, and he didn't, and he lied and that's why you've got all these problems. You've also said that everyone is "siding" with your dad, and that you cannot be with your child unsupervised.

 

 

 

There's a lot more going on here than just your dad saying he was going to sell his car and not following through. Perhaps he meant it when he said it then he decided not to. It's not necessarily a lie, it's a broken promise, and those sorts of things happen.

 

 

I suggest you focus on other things rather than this big lie your father told you because it really doesn't change anything, and figure out how you're going to change your situation for the better. Don't assume that family is supposed to help you out- family is under NO obligation to help you, it's totally their choice as to how much or how little they contribute to your life. Some parents walk away from their kids and not look back, others pay for everything and hand their kids enough money to live on without ever working. It's not fair that some of us get more than others, but you know what? Life isn't fair, its what we make of it.

[Crazelnut]

You're focusing on the wrong things. Instead of seething in anger over perceived wrongs, focus on improving the situation. Focus on getting a job and a stable place to live. Let go of all the anger at your father, husband, and in laws.

 

Interesting to note that you blame everyone else for your problems. Sorry, not buying it.

[BTDT2012]

Your dad isn't obligated to give you money. Given your level of anger, and constant arguing, it doesn't seem like staying with your husband benefits you. I think your efforts would be better spent on accepting responsibility for your choices, and figuring out what you need to do to regain custody of your child. Perhaps your family will let you come back while you figure things out.

[Zahara]

I can guess the reasoning as to why your father has retracted his offer to help you. I have a sibling nearing his 50th birthday, who still lives with my parents and feels entitled to support because he has refused to become a responsible adult. Everytime he has issues, he expects them to bail him out and they've enabled him. This has been going on for decades. I have a feeling that there is more to your story and your history with your father, hence his hesitancy to help you. You're an adult, you bore a child and you have a husband. You made adult decisions and this is where it has gotten you and now you need to face and own your choices.

 

I understand you are upset that he has retracted his offer but your anger is misplaced. Placing your expectations on others is a recipe for disappointment. The only person you can depend on is yourself -- in that sense you need to remove your sense of entitlement and expectation and works towards finding and achieving your own independence. You keep complaining about everyone under the sun -- but yourself. There is a reason why you are where you are -- you didn't just end up in a bad situation.

 

I don't callously say those things because I've had it extremely hard since I was wee bit kid and over 4 decades later, I'm finally living a comfortable life. It was a very long and painful journey, but I am proud to say I did it all on my own. You're 31 -- time to grow up.

[Sugarkane]

So why promise to help us out, if he had no intention of doing so? Why say its all "in jest"? That's incredibly callous. I think quite sociopathic. This is custody stuff, its hardly a joke.

 

 

 

You've said multiple times that your dad promised to sell his vintage car, and he didn't, and he lied and that's why you've got all these problems. You've also said that everyone is "siding" with your dad, and that you cannot be with your child unsupervised.

 

 

 

There's a lot more going on here than just your dad saying he was going to sell his car and not following through. Perhaps he meant it when he said it then he decided not to. It's not necessarily a lie, it's a broken promise, and those sorts of things happen.

 

 

I suggest you focus on other things rather than this big lie your father told you because it really doesn't change anything, and figure out how you're going to change your situation for the better. Don't assume that family is supposed to help you out- family is under NO obligation to help you, it's totally their choice as to how much or how little they contribute to your life. Some parents walk away from their kids and not look back, others pay for everything and hand their kids enough money to live on without ever working. It's not fair that some of us get more than others, but you know what? Life isn't fair, its what we make of it.

[Sugarkane]

But why not just say why he retracted it in the first place? I'd actually respect him a whole lot more than lying and calling me a liar.

 

I've never wanted to be like your sibling. My dads a tyrant and always had a VERY short temper and been verbally abusive. I could write a whole another thread on him.

 

 

I can guess the reasoning as to why your father has retracted his offer to help you. I have a sibling nearing his 50th birthday, who still lives with my parents and feels entitled to support because he has refused to become a responsible adult. Everytime he has issues, he expects them to bail him out and they've enabled him. This has been going on for decades. I have a feeling that there is more to your story and your history with your father, hence his hesitancy to help you. You're an adult, you bore a child and you have a husband. You made adult decisions and this is where it has gotten you and now you need to face and own your choices.

 

I understand you are upset that he has retracted his offer but your anger is misplaced. Placing your expectations on others is a recipe for disappointment. The only person you can depend on is yourself -- in that sense you need to remove your sense of entitlement and expectation and works towards finding and achieving your own independence. You keep complaining about everyone under the sun -- but yourself. There is a reason why you are where you are -- you didn't just end up in a bad situation.

 

I don't callously say those things because I've had it extremely hard since I was wee bit kid and over 4 decades later, I'm finally living a comfortable life. It was a very long and painful journey, but I am proud to say I did it all on my own. You're 31 -- time to grow up.

[Sugarkane]

I'd lime to point out if I had made promises to my dad and broken them. He'd verbally abusive me, for sure.

[Zahara]

My father was the same kind of man, likely worse in that he was physically abusive as well. But I never asked him for any sort of help after I moved out to the city at 19. I found my own way. Even when I was living in the city and had no money to buy food, I pushed through without his help. I’d rather starve than hear his abuse.

 

If your father are all those things, then 1) you should not expect his help 2) you should not ask for his help 3) you should expect that someone like him may not be reliable.

 

Again, you are quick to point out his negatives but you have no issues feeling entitled and having these expectations that he support you.

 

You really need to find your own independence. There’s a reason why you are in this situation. It’s because of the bad choices YOU have made. In that sense, it’s your responsibility and only yours to fix them.

[Sugarkane]

I fully admit that I've stuffed up and take responsibility for that. I just cant stand his BRAGGING about not taking us and BLATANT LYING.

My father was the same kind of man, likely worse in that he was physically abusive as well. But I never asked him for any sort of help after I moved out to the city at 19. I found my own way. Even when I was living in the city and had no money to buy food, I pushed through without his help. I’d rather starve than hear his abuse.

 

If your father are all those things, then 1) you should not expect his help 2) you should not ask for his help 3) you should expect that someone like him may not be reliable.

 

Again, you are quick to point out his negatives but you have no issues feeling entitled and having these expectations that he support you.

 

You really need to find your own independence. There’s a reason why you are in this situation. It’s because of the bad choices YOU have made. In that sense, it’s your responsibility and only yours to fix them.

[Sugarkane]

I've been trying everything to fix this situation and I can't stand the 24/7 fighting with my husband. Still struggling financially but he doesn't want me to get another job. I've really been suicidal.

[TheRainbow]

I've been trying everything to fix this situation and I can't stand the 24/7 fighting with my husband. Still struggling financially but he doesn't want me to get another job. I've really been suicidal.

 

Then get another job. What is he going to do?

[Dis]

OP, I haven't heard you talk at all about your kid...the real victim in all this. ...Not you.

 

How do you think you're kid is holding up while she/he is away from you?

 

How do you think he/she feels and will feel about being taken away from his/her mom?

 

All this complaining about how you've been wronged but not one sentence about how your actions have effected your child

 

Why did you have a kid when you weren't financially stable enough to provide for him/her? Not well enough to keep custody of him/her? Not mature enough to think of him/her above your own needs?

 

This is really sad. I feel terrible for your kid. The damage that has been done to your child is really unfortunate.

 

And we all know children don't get taken away from their mothers unless they've experienced abuse or neglect at the hands of their mom. So...you're not fooling anyone here...

[MidwestUSA]

Well, dis, I doubt the child even knows who his/her mother is. Probably a blessing.

[pepperbird]

op,I will craft a response to you, but I'm going to warn you you won't like it and it may well make you very angry. This being said, if you choose to read it, please give it thought before you dismiss it.

 

 

I don't understand why you feel so entitled to what you parents have. You mentioned they had a couple of inheritances and used them for themselves rather than given the money to you. You sound as if you are honestly shocked that they didn't just fork it over.

 

 

Madam, you are a 30 something year old parent and yet you can't live on your own? Really? why? you say it's because of money, but if you two cna't keep a roof over your heads with the income you have, then why are you both not looking elsewhere for work?

 

 

Meanwhile, your daughter has been taken from you, and for a child to be taken from her mom, there pretty much always has to be some sort of serious abuse or neglect going on. Was your in laws caring for your daughter something mandated by the state, or did you place her there on your own?

 

 

 

btw, even if your dad had forked over a wallet full of money, it would just be a band aid. You need more permanent solutions,and those start with you. If you are having mental health issues, find a lower cost care provider, and a support group can be really helpful in the meantime. Look into government funded job retraining programs, and Australia also has a well funded support program for low income working families. here are at least three organizations in your country that provide free or low cost support for women ( and men) coping with post natal depression/psychosis ( e.g.- PANDA )and https://www.healthdirect.gov.au/postnatal-depression has lots more information.

[basil67]

I'd lime to point out if I had made promises to my dad and broken them. He'd verbally abusive me, for sure.

 

If he is such a tyrant, why do you keep him in your life? Is it just so that you can hopefully access his money?

[Sugarkane]

I haven't talked about my daughter because its painful too. And she isn't the problem.

 

By the time I found out I was pregnant it was too late to consider options, but keeping her.

 

 

Even when I did have severe post natal depression, I would NEVER abuse or neglect her. Plus my in laws were too controlling to leave me alone with my child.

 

I was sick of being threatened and verbally abused by their controlling daughter. So I went to stay at my parents. They didn't like that and made huge promises and used my husband to get me to come back. Soon after that, while living with they filed for custody.

 

OP, I haven't heard you talk at all about your kid...the real victim in all this. ...Not you.

 

How do you think you're kid is holding up while she/he is away from you?

 

How do you think he/she feels and will feel about being taken away from his/her mom?

 

All this complaining about how you've been wronged but not one sentence about how your actions have effected your child

 

Why did you have a kid when you weren't financially stable enough to provide for him/her? Not well enough to keep custody of him/her? Not mature enough to think of him/her above your own needs?

 

This is really sad. I feel terrible for your kid. The damage that has been done to your child is really unfortunate.

 

And we all know children don't get taken away from their mothers unless they've experienced abuse or neglect at the hands of their mom. So...you're not fooling anyone here...

[Sugarkane]

I guess because we stupidly want to see the good in people, especially those who are close family.

If he is such a tyrant, why do you keep him in your life? Is it just so that you can hopefully access his money?

[Sugarkane]

I am actually living on my own.

 

I only expected them tooo because that's what they promised.

 

I don't know why you think its ok for my dad to lie about helping us. He'll expect me to do the same when he's elderly!

 

If you bother to read my threads you'll know I never abused or neglected my child. Plus they're controlling and never allowed me to be alone with my child. Even though I would absolutely never would hurt or neglect my child. You've never met me, so how would you know?

 

They blindsided me and filed for custody while I was living with them.

op,I will craft a response to you, but I'm going to warn you you won't like it and it may well make you very angry. This being said, if you choose to read it, please give it thought before you dismiss it.

 

 

I don't understand why you feel so entitled to what you parents have. You mentioned they had a couple of inheritances and used them for themselves rather than given the money to you. You sound as if you are honestly shocked that they didn't just fork it over.

 

 

Madam, you are a 30 something year old parent and yet you can't live on your own? Really? why? you say it's because of money, but if you two cna't keep a roof over your heads with the income you have, then why are you both not looking elsewhere for work?

 

 

Meanwhile, your daughter has been taken from you, and for a child to be taken from her mom, there pretty much always has to be some sort of serious abuse or neglect going on. Was your in laws caring for your daughter something mandated by the state, or did you place her there on your own?

 

 

 

btw, even if your dad had forked over a wallet full of money, it would just be a band aid. You need more permanent solutions,and those start with you. If you are having mental health issues, find a lower cost care provider, and a support group can be really helpful in the meantime. Look into government funded job retraining programs, and Australia also has a well funded support program for low income working families. here are at least three organizations in your country that provide free or low cost support for women ( and men) coping with post natal depression/psychosis ( e.g.- PANDA )and https://www.healthdirect.gov.au/postnatal-depression has lots more information.

[Els]

I haven't talked about my daughter because its painful too. And she isn't the problem.

 

By the time I found out I was pregnant it was too late to consider options, but keeping her.

 

 

Nonsense. I remember your thread where you talked about your pregnancy. You found out you were pregnant at 14 weeks minus one month - so that's 9-10 weeks, LONG before the legal abortion limit in any state in Australia. You "couldn't decide what to do". Eventually your excuses for "the decision being taken out of your hands" was "counselling didn't help me decide" and then "my MIL made me keep it".

 

 

You made every single decision that has led to where you are today. You just refuse to take ownership of any of them. Do you lie to yourself the way you are lying to us in this post? If you believe your own lies, obviously you're always going to be the victim.

 

 

 

The real victim in all of this is your poor daughter. I hope she at least manages to rise out of the ****show that she was born into.

[MidwestUSA]

 

I don't know why you think its ok for my dad to lie about helping us. He'll expect me to do the same when he's elderly!

 

If you bother to read my threads you'll know I never abused or neglected my child. Plus they're controlling and never allowed me to be alone with my child. Even though I would absolutely never would hurt or neglect my child. You've never met me, so how would you know?

 

They blindsided me and filed for custody while I was living with them.

 

 

 

Well, you don't have to do a thing for your father when he's elderly if you don't want/can't afford to.

 

You're the biological parent. How did someone, anyone else, file for custody of YOUR child?! Do you not know your rights? Why are you being 'controlled' and 'not allowed' to do things? You are an adult, correct?

[Blanco]

I haven't talked about my daughter because its painful too. And she isn't the problem.

 

No one said she was the problem. People are just voicing their concern that a young child has already experienced such instability in her life.

 

You seem to only want to focus on things that you cannot really control. Whether or not your father said he was going to give you money is immaterial. It would've been helpful, no doubt, but you are not entitled to it. Ultimately, it didn't pan out, so you can't keep focusing on it. It's likely obsessing on how you didn't win the lottery or something.

 

I know you're not happy with some of the responses you're getting. You have to understand that your posting history, which details years of blaming everyone else for your own problems, has probably made a lot of people wary of taking you at face value.

 

Your circumstances are not ideal, but you're stoking the flames by perpetually playing the helpless victim who has no say in her own life.

[Dis]

I haven't talked about my daughter because its painful too. And she isn't the problem.

 

By the time I found out I was pregnant it was too late to consider options, but keeping her.

 

 

Even when I did have severe post natal depression, I would NEVER abuse or neglect her. Plus my in laws were too controlling to leave me alone with my child.

 

I was sick of being threatened and verbally abused by their controlling daughter. So I went to stay at my parents. They didn't like that and made huge promises and used my husband to get me to come back. Soon after that, while living with they filed for custody.

 

Your husband's parents can't just take away your child

 

Only the court can and only if there's been neglect or abuse on your part

 

You found out too late in the pregnancy to opt for termination but...there's always birth control and condoms

 

Lot's of excuses and deflections here

[Sugarkane]

I had post natal depression when I had my daughter. There was never neglect or abuse.

 

 

Obviously birth control isn't 100% affective and my daughter is proof of that.

Your husband's parents can't just take away your child

 

Only the court can and only if there's been neglect or abuse on your part

 

You found out too late in the pregnancy to opt for termination but...there's always birth control and condoms

 

Lot's of excuses and deflections here

[Sugarkane]

So what do I do about my dads blatant lying and gaslighting? Also bragging about not taking us on the holiday and as I said my WHOLE EXTENDED FAMILY ALL WENT (as my uncle and aunt actually shared with my cousins). Who wouldn't be pissed off?

 

No one said she was the problem. People are just voicing their concern that a young child has already experienced such instability in her life.

 

You seem to only want to focus on things that you cannot really control. Whether or not your father said he was going to give you money is immaterial. It would've been helpful, no doubt, but you are not entitled to it. Ultimately, it didn't pan out, so you can't keep focusing on it. It's likely obsessing on how you didn't win the lottery or something.

 

I know you're not happy with some of the responses you're getting. You have to understand that your posting history, which details years of blaming everyone else for your own problems, has probably made a lot of people wary of taking you at face value.

 

Your circumstances are not ideal, but you're stoking the flames by perpetually playing the helpless victim who has no say in her own life.

[Sugarkane]

Got my husband wanting me to cut off my dad and always arguing this everyday. While my in laws used my husband against me, so that we would come back and they then filed for custody.