Joke of a Relationship

[User15620]

I’m a 20 year-old female in a relationship with an older guy (56, to be more precise). I’ll refer to him as “Gary” for the purposes of this post. Before you start hurling accusations of “gold-digger”, hear me out. I first met him through a “sugar baby/sugar daddy” site; it was my first foray into this sort of arrangement. I’m from a middle-class background, with parents who support me while I work and do my undergrad at an overseas university, so I didn’t need the money. I think curiosity got the better of me and I was impressed with the glamorous lifestyle some of these “SBs” led.

 

Anyways, he was the first guy I chose to go out with from that site. He was very polite, attentive and considerate, juxtaposing him with the rude jerks I’ve met from the site. We met in public a few times to get to know each other but after the third meeting, I told him I couldn’t follow through with the arrangement - I was uncomfortable with exchanging money for sex and decided to end our “SB/SD” arrangement. We parted on a cordial note and agreed to remain friends.

 

A few weeks later, I rang him to ask if we could meet up for coffee. For a bit of context, I’m an international student; at that point, I was a year in to my studies in a new country with no family, little friends, etc. On top of that, I have/had trouble socializing and maintaining friendships. Gary was there to fill the void in my social life, however temporarily. I felt comfortable talking to him as there was no pressure to put on a facade for the sake of fitting in.

 

A few months after we started going out, he started saying things like, “I kind of see you as my girlfriend” and the like. We were in this limbo stage until I kind of pushed him to start a relationship as girlfriend-boyfriend (first mistake). I don’t know how long it would have taken for him to step up to this on his own initiative but, being very headstrong, I took the first step and he agreed.

 

Fast-forward to a couple of months later, I learned from him he has no steady income and he’s on a limited budget until he gets his settlement check. I kind of suspected this since even during the early stages of the arrangement and our relationship, he was conservative with money (something which bothered be in the arrangement stage as the whole point of it is to be spoiled by a wealthier man). I accepted this as I wasn’t in it for the money, that our relationship wasn’t an arrangement, and made do with what he had. He was generous with his money, regardless, as he paid for all of our lunches, movie outings, etc. but he would make passing comments here and there which illustrated how lean his budget is, ie making me put back an energy bar in the grocery store as it was expensive, complaining about spending 100 dollars here and there as it could add up, lecturing me how working people can’t afford to go out for brunch as frequently as I’d wanted to go out (which was twice a week, since I only saw him a few days out of the week), etc.

 

I started to resent him for this as a lot of younger working guys I’ve dated in the past could afford a lot of the things he couldn’t/can’t with minimal complaints about money. I started to become envious of my friend whose boyfriend treated her to phenomenal and expensive meals when they went out, despite earning 70,000 a year. I started to question why he even bothered entering a relationship, much less an arrangement, if he was so strapped for money.

 

To make matters worse, he was emotionally distant; he refused to talk about a future together, overreacted when I asked him to buy me certain things like a jacket, didn’t celebrate Valentine’s Day, Easter, etc. with me, forgot my birthday even though I told him in advance (plus, it’s a really easy date as it coincides with Christmas) and the general vibe I got from him was one of boredom and disinterest. I thought maybe it was because he didn’t have an income, that it was depressing him. We had many fights over money as it was obvious his financial problems were poisoning our relationship.

 

I got thinking and out of paranoia, I went through his phone messages one night while he was away at the gym. He always kept his phone unlocked and plus, I heard a notification ring. I found several flirtatious messages directed at 2 different women he’d been talking to for months. On top of that, he’d made plans to go out with them! This all occurred while he was telling me how we couldn’t afford to go out as much as I’d wanted to, how lucky I was to have the privilege of going out so often (paraphrasing, but this is what he’d implied). I confronted him about it and he was defensive and angry at first, refusing to apologize until I told him to do so. Then he softened and said he wouldn’t do it again. I accepted this since for all I knew, he didn’t physically cheat (second mistake). But all of our relationship problems remained, he was back to being callous, so I decided to snoop again.

 

I accessed his Facebook and WhatsApp messages and what I found was horrifying. I not only discovered he was in touch with other women, keeping pronographic videos of his past arrangement SBs on his laptop, but also that he has a secret family in the Philippines he never told me about (he claimed he was just a sperm donor and he doesn’t want to play the role of father, but will talk to and financially support them). Even more shockingly, he offered one women a passport if she came over to his home country and agreed to have his child. He again got angry when I confronted him over this, directing all the fault/blame towards me for snooping. He later apologized but I felt devastated. Still, I forgave him (third mistake). I was scared of being alone at that point so I felt I had to stick it out, as awful as all of this was. The fear of being alone overrode all rationality. Plus, I believed him and thought he would put all of this garbage behind him for a fresh start with me. He’s good at talking and charming his way through these situations. I realized too late he’s just really glib. So then it was back to the same old emotional rollercoaster of neglect, apathy, threats to end the relationship and the angry outbursts.

 

I didn’t want to snoop anymore, as I felt guilty, so I decided to pretend to be one of his arrangement SBs (Ashley) and contacted him late one night. He had mentioned to me before how he might go to another state to visit his brother but he sounded kind of iffy. He made no mention of inviting me there, despite us not having travelled during the 9 months we had been together. When I contacted him as Ashley, he immediately invited me to go to Queensland with him, agreeing to pay for plane tickets and hotel expenses. When I asked him if he was available as a sugar daddy, he said yes and asked to visit me. He apologized and I forgave, same old same old (fourth mistake). I later discovered his kik username and decided to see if he was really committed this time.

 

I went back to my home country and posed as a random girl on kik. He again started flirting with me and asked for bikini pics, but I called him out shortly after. He tried dumping me while I was overseas over e-mail when I told him firmly I wanted his dishonesty to end.

 

So now that I’m back to my studies, he tells me how much he’s missed me and how he was stress-eating when thinking of how he’d lose me. He deactivated his kik account and deleted his WhatsApp/FB messages, and tells me he’ll get his settlement check soon so we won’t have many of the problems we’ve been having (he told me this 4.5 months ago but apparently there’s been unexpected delays in getting his money).

 

At this point, I’m emotionally exhausted, embarrassed and resentful. I only want him for his money and the lifestyle it can provide because after 7+ months of constant and outright lies, dishonesty and disloyalty, I’m ready to find a different man. He’ll be like a placeholder for me until I find a better partner. Should I stick it out and reap the benefits of his money when it comes (he says it’ll be within this month though he doesn’t know when exactly), or am I being taken for a ride again?

[Mr. Lucky]

Before you start hurling accusations of “gold-digger”, hear me out. I first met him through a “sugar baby/sugar daddy” site; it was my first foray into this sort of arrangement.

 

User15620, is English not your native language? I ask this because you seem tone deaf to the irony that jumps from nearly every sentence you've posted. The above is but one of many examples.

 

You don't want to be judged harshly, but you close with this:

 

I only want him for his money and the lifestyle it can provide because after 7+ months of constant and outright lies, dishonesty and disloyalty, I’m ready to find a different man. He’ll be like a placeholder for me until I find a better partner. Should I stick it out and reap the benefits of his money when it comes (he says it’ll be within this month though he doesn’t know when exactly), or am I being taken for a ride again?

 

At least you're honest about your priorities...

 

Mr. Lucky

[User15620]

Mr. Lucky, you need to read the post more closely. I started a relationship with him in the beginning not because of his money (he had none) but because I loved him but over time, his disloyalty made me resent him. I no longer want him as a partner but it was completely different in the beginning. I don’t even think I qualify as a gold-digger at this point since there’s no “gold” to dig for. I’m contemplating of just using him for his money once he gets his settlement but I’m hesitant. I just wanted to get this out since I needed to vent.

[Mr. Lucky]

I don’t even think I qualify as a gold-digger at this point since there’s no “gold” to dig for. I’m contemplating of just using him for his money once he gets his settlement but I’m hesitant.

 

OK, you win, you're only applying for the "gold-digger" position, not fully there yet.

 

Let us know how it goes...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Normm]

I don’t even think I qualify as a gold-digger at this point since there’s no “gold” to dig for.

 

 

It's still gold digging even if the pan comes up empty.

 

 

That's why all those towns are deserted out west- broken dreams, that sort of thing. We can dig but we don't always prosper.

[LoverOfDance]

OP, you're so young and I have no idea how you ended up with this man. Terrible isn't even enough to describe him. Please leave now before this man ruins your life. You gave him WAY too many chances. He is literally one of those men who never grew up - a 19 year old living in the body of a 50 something year old man.

 

I understand that you're trying to punish him for what he has put you through but don't. Just go. He will get what he deserves. Leave quickly before he does anymore damage to your mental and emotional health.

[Chilli]

Are you for real. seriously.

She went onto a sugar daddy site looking for someone to pay her way.

Terrible isn;'t it, now that's funny.

What you think Brad Pits gonna wanna be her sugar daddy ?????

 

Of course your a gold digger op you go looking for a sugar daddy and now you wait for the pay out.

 

It's a busines arrangement , your using he's using, he owes you nothing he pays to be with you he can do what he wants after that and obviously your suppose to go home later to your boy friend or cat , with some money in your purse. That's it. Well that's the idea.

 

A chick that would consider a sugar daddy is no better than the sugar daddy,

Both selling something, business , just like the hooker or anyone else doing stuff like that.

Edited August 8, 2018 by Chilli

[User15620]

Normm, look up the definition of gold-digger. There’s no gold at the end of the rainbow, he’s not rich (yet). Also, I don’t even know if I really want to do that when he gets his money. I mainly want to do it to punish him but I’m hesitant. So the intention’s not there, as well (yet). I’m thinking about it; I just wanted to get some advice on this forum about this.

[d0nnivain]

Whatever your motives for getting into this relationship, your goals & desires are not being fulfilled. So get out. What's the problem?

[stillafool]

No don't stay to spend his money (which will never happen anyway); but leave and go back home, back to school and get a career where you can make your own money rather than depending on some man. What do you mean you don't want to be alone? You're only 20 years old with a whole life ahead of you. If you are available you are going to meet tons of men.

[User15620]

No don't stay to spend his money (which will never happen anyway); but leave and go back home, back to school and get a career where you can make your own money rather than depending on some man. What do you mean you don't want to be alone? You're only 20 years old with a whole life ahead of you. If you are available you are going to meet tons of men.

 

I am in school, I’m paying for my own tuition and everything. I’m overseas because I’m an international student. Also, I don’t depend on him. I support myself.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I mainly want to do it to punish him but I’m hesitant.

 

Don't be that person. It's immature.

[stillafool]

I am in school, I’m paying for my own tuition and everything. I’m overseas because I’m an international student. Also, I don’t depend on him. I support myself.

 

Since you are independent just move on and forget this guy.

[Mr. Lucky]

I’m not looking for a handout. I pay my own tuition and expenses as a student. I never relied on him for anything.

 

Come on User15620, you're also using "“sugar baby/sugar daddy” websites and discussing using this guy for his money.

 

You can't have it both ways, which do you want to be?

 

Mr. Lucky

[User15620]

Come on User15620, you're also using "“sugar baby/sugar daddy” websites and discussing using this guy for his money.

 

You can't have it both ways, which do you want to be?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

 

I’ll say it one more time; I’m not using him now (still no “gold”) and I wasn’t using him then (he had none). I’m also not using these websites, I tried one time and I didn’t like it so I got off. I don’t know which way I’ll go.

Edited August 13, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
rude

[Lorenza]

I first met him through a “sugar baby/sugar daddy” site

 

was impressed with the glamorous lifestyle some of these “SBs” led.

 

So if you're such an independent woman who fully supports herself, what made you register on a website for gold-diggers in the first place? How come you considered their lifestyle impressive, since it's the complete opposite of being independent? The interest was there, I don't care that it didn't work out and there was no gold to dig, it's the intent that counts.

 

 

Anyways, he was the first guy I chose to go out with from that site. He was very polite, attentive and considerate, juxtaposing him with the rude jerks I’ve met from the site. We met in public a few times to get to know each other but after the third meeting, I told him I couldn’t follow through with the arrangement - I was uncomfortable with exchanging money for sex and decided to end our “SB/SD” arrangement. We parted on a cordial note and agreed to remain friends.

 

Gary was there to fill the void in my social life, however temporarily. I felt comfortable talking to him as there was no pressure to put on a facade for the sake of fitting in

 

So you still viewed him as someone you could use for your own benefits, in this case filling in the void. There's no love here, just you looking for someone to attend to your needs. That doesn't scream independent to me either. Why weren't you able to find friends your own age?

 

I kind of pushed him to start a relationship as girlfriend-boyfriend (first mistake).

 

Why? Doesn't sound like you had feelings for him, why did you want to be bf-gf?

 

something which bothered be in the arrangement stage as the whole point of it is to be spoiled by a wealthier man

 

LOL, so you did have a phase where the point was to be spoiled by him? And then you're defensive and completely in denial, calling other posters idiots when they call you out on your hypocrisy? How can you not be a gold digger if you were in all this from the very beginning? You seem to have convinced yourself that this is not the case, but facts speak for themselves. You can't contradict yourself like that.

 

 

I accepted this as I wasn’t in it for the money, that our relationship wasn’t an arrangement, and made do with what he had.

 

I started to resent him for this

 

I started to become envious of my friend whose boyfriend treated her to phenomenal and expensive meals when they went out, despite earning 70,000 a year.

 

I started to question why he even bothered entering a relationship, much less an arrangement, if he was so strapped for money.

 

These things speak for themselves, OP. You can't write all this and then expect people not to call you out on it. You say you accept him cause you're not in it for the money, then you turn around and start resenting him for not buying you expensive meals and you question yourself if it's even worth being with him if he's on a tight budget. Can you not see how you're completely contradicting yourself?

Not in it for the money - resentment for not having money - wanting to end due to him being poor.

Really???

 

Should I stick it out and reap the benefits of his money when it comes (he says it’ll be within this month though he doesn’t know when exactly), or am I being taken for a ride again?

 

What about "reaping the benefits of someone's money" is not gold-digging?

 

Yes, this man is horrible and you should cut all contact. AND find a boyfriend your age, who's gonna be your equal.

[User15620]

So if you're such an independent woman who fully supports herself, what made you register on a website for gold-diggers in the first place? How come you considered their lifestyle impressive, since it's the complete opposite of being independent? The interest was there, I don't care that it didn't work out and there was no gold to dig, it's the intent that counts.

 

 

Anyways, he was the first guy I chose to go out with from that site. He was very polite, attentive and considerate, juxtaposing him with the rude jerks I’ve met from the site. We met in public a few times to get to know each other but after the third meeting, I told him I couldn’t follow through with the arrangement - I was uncomfortable with exchanging money for sex and decided to end our “SB/SD” arrangement. We parted on a cordial note and agreed to remain friends.

 

 

 

So you still viewed him as someone you could use for your own benefits, in this case filling in the void. There's no love here, just you looking for someone to attend to your needs. That doesn't scream independent to me either. Why weren't you able to find friends your own age?

 

 

 

Why? Doesn't sound like you had feelings for him, why did you want to be bf-gf?

 

 

 

LOL, so you did have a phase where the point was to be spoiled by him? And then you're defensive and completely in denial, calling other posters idiots when they call you out on your hypocrisy? How can you not be a gold digger if you were in all this from the very beginning? You seem to have convinced yourself that this is not the case, but facts speak for themselves. You can't contradict yourself like that.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

These things speak for themselves, OP. You can't write all this and then expect people not to call you out on it. You say you accept him cause you're not in it for the money, then you turn around and start resenting him for not buying you expensive meals and you question yourself if it's even worth being with him if he's on a tight budget. Can you not see how you're completely contradicting yourself?

Not in it for the money - resentment for not having money - wanting to end due to him being poor.

Really???

 

 

 

What about "reaping the benefits of someone's money" is not gold-digging?

 

Yes, this man is horrible and you should cut all contact. AND find a boyfriend your age, who's gonna be your equal.

 

Well, first of all I went on that site despite being independent (having a part-time job, paying my rent on my own, etc.) because it would be supplemental income/boost to what I was already earning. Different girls receive different “allowances” - so some can and do just live off of their SDs- but that wasn’t my situation. Also, being in these relationships doesn’t mean you’re dependent on a man - it’s a freaking contract, where two people mutually agree on expectations.

 

But this is irrelevant because I was never a SB to begin with! I had a brief phase (like 2 weeks) in the beginning where I thought I wanted this but I gave it up after the second time I’ve met “Gary” for coffee - and then we started a relationship. Get it, moron? I gave it up. From that point I didn’t expect to be spoiled or pampered by him, we were in a normal relationship. If I was a gold-digger, I would have gotten out of the relationship from the beginning since he’s told me about his financial problems a month into dating. I stuck with him for a year. So I never had an intention to dig from the beginning! So literally both the intention and the “gold” were missing. As for me hating him for not taking me out to expensive meals, I’ve never wrote about that in my post. I’ve resented him 1) for his disloyalty and 2) for being tight-fisted even by normal standards (I’ve given examples in the original post) - which every woman in a relationship would complain about anyways, gold-digger or not.

Edited August 13, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
rude

[Tristian]

Folks, let's please keep in mind our civility and respect guidelines when offering your opinions here.

 

 

 

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