Older but starting out again

[Alfie]

My wife suddenly and unexpectedly died a few years back. I had been devoted to her for 37 years though a lot of bad times as well as good.

 

I do not intend to spend the rest of my life as a single person. As a matter of fact I occasionally told my wife that I would be re-married within a year of her passing. It was meant to be half a joke, but she did not appreciate it. What I meant was that I would not choose to live without the comfort and support of female companion such as she had always been to me.

 

Well I am not re-married! The thought of dating is a bit scary to me. I tend to become too serious too soon when meeting women, and find it extremely difficult and uncomfortable to break up a relationship that really has no foreseable future.

 

What is the best course of action here? Do I keep dating lots and lots of ladies until something just "klicks"? Just keep trying until the chemistry is undeniable? Or do I need to pursue each one in more detail, thus leaving myself vulnerable to a break-up!

 

In other words, now that I have an opportunity to re-ignite my love life, I have cold feet! HELP!

[Tony T]

I am very sorry about the passing of your wife.

 

YOU WRITE:

 

1. "The thought of dating is a bit scary to me."

 

Well, it should be. Many women, particularly those a bit younger than you, in general do not have the same values and morals you grew up around. The world has become a lot more self centered than it was back when you started dating.

 

2. "What is the best course of action here? Do I keep dating lots and lots of ladies until something just "klicks"?"

 

Now, that hasn't changed. It'll be like that until the end of time. Whether you like it or not, if things aren't clicking between you and a lady or if you aren't satisfied with a dating situation after giving it a reasonable amount of time, you have to end it. It was that way 40 years ago and it will be that way 4,000 years from now so just get used to it.

 

It's a whole lot easier these days to get yourself in a bad situation. You have to be on your toes and you have to be ready and willing to walk if the person you're dating doesn't seem to be compatible in ways you need.

 

3. "Just keep trying until the chemistry is undeniable? Or do I need to pursue each one in more detail, thus leaving myself vulnerable to a break-up!"

 

Hey, it isn't that simple. Of course, there has to be some initial attraction...either physical, intellectual, common interests, etc. But sometimes the chemistry takes time to discover and develop. If you feel there is a basis for exploring a relationship further, by all means do so. But you are headed into dangerous territory and some serious heartbreak if you think relationsips can just crank up into high gear right off the bat.

 

Also, be aware that many times there can be wonderful chemistry in the beginning and suck you in...and later all that fireworks can fizzle as fast as it erupted.

 

Don't be in such a hurry to remarry. Take your time. Don't be desperate. Love will come to you in time but don't try to rush things. Relax. You won't be really happy in a relationship until you get more comfortable with your own company and being by yourself.

 

And cut this getting too serious too soon crap. Women don't like it. It doesn't make them feel very special. They figure if a guy starts that serious stuff too quickly, he's way too desperate. Take your time and be cool. Women like men who are aloof, unpredictable...men who can do with them or without them. Even women your age...the ones who may go for getting serious very quickly are ones with head problems and insecurities you don't need in your life.

 

You seem to have a lot of insecurities. If you feel overwhelmed by them, see a counsellor and work on that. Life is a continuous process that refuses to be forced. You will pay great consequences if you try to do that.

[Alfie]

What a very thoughtful and helpful response! Thank you!

I am very sorry about the passing of your wife. YOU WRITE: 1. "The thought of dating is a bit scary to me." Well, it should be. Many women, particularly those a bit younger than you, in general do not have the same values and morals you grew up around. The world has become a lot more self centered than it was back when you started dating. 2. "What is the best course of action here? Do I keep dating lots and lots of ladies until something just "klicks"?"

 

Now, that hasn't changed. It'll be like that until the end of time. Whether you like it or not, if things aren't clicking between you and a lady or if you aren't satisfied with a dating situation after giving it a reasonable amount of time, you have to end it. It was that way 40 years ago and it will be that way 4,000 years from now so just get used to it. It's a whole lot easier these days to get yourself in a bad situation. You have to be on your toes and you have to be ready and willing to walk if the person you're dating doesn't seem to be compatible in ways you need. 3. "Just keep trying until the chemistry is undeniable? Or do I need to pursue each one in more detail, thus leaving myself vulnerable to a break-up!" Hey, it isn't that simple. Of course, there has to be some initial attraction...either physical, intellectual, common interests, etc. But sometimes the chemistry takes time to discover and develop. If you feel there is a basis for exploring a relationship further, by all means do so. But you are headed into dangerous territory and some serious heartbreak if you think relationsips can just crank up into high gear right off the bat. Also, be aware that many times there can be wonderful chemistry in the beginning and suck you in...and later all that fireworks can fizzle as fast as it erupted. Don't be in such a hurry to remarry. Take your time. Don't be desperate. Love will come to you in time but don't try to rush things. Relax. You won't be really happy in a relationship until you get more comfortable with your own company and being by yourself. And cut this getting too serious too soon crap. Women don't like it. It doesn't make them feel very special. They figure if a guy starts that serious stuff too quickly, he's way too desperate. Take your time and be cool. Women like men who are aloof, unpredictable...men who can do with them or without them. Even women your age...the ones who may go for getting serious very quickly are ones with head problems and insecurities you don't need in your life. You seem to have a lot of insecurities. If you feel overwhelmed by them, see a counsellor and work on that. Life is a continuous process that refuses to be forced. You will pay great consequences if you try to do that.