Misconstrued Posted August 7, 2018 Share Posted August 7, 2018 It has been such a long time since I posted anything or even logged into this website, but since I started here when I needed somewhere to turn to, I thought I would come back and try to get some input or even just to vent my thoughts and frustrations. So, here I am. If you haven't read my previous posts I'll give a quick-run-down. My ex fiance cheated on me with my best friend and got her pregnant. He assaulted me after I found out and I moved in with my parents. After that, I was in therapy, on medication and drowning in debt. I met someone else months later who was very sweet and charming, but he turned out to be such a horrendous person. He had a son who I took care of while he was at work, despite not even living with him, and he would be so emotionally abusive I decided after 4 months it had to end. After this, he began stalking me and I had to get the police involved where they gave him a warning and thankfully he has left me alone now. The last I heard from him was in April, so 4 months ago. However, after everything that has happened to me I have slowly crashed and no longer recognize the person I am. I have PTSD, I'm in therapy and have been for months, I have panic attacks almost daily, my anxiety is so out of control and I am on medication so I can sleep at least and deal with my depression. My ex-fiance contacted me a week ago, he sent a letter to my parents home addressed to me and I have to say, it was a nice letter with what seemed a genuine apology, but it wasn't enough to take back all of this pain - mentally and emotionally he has caused me. It was enough to forgive because I don't want to be so hateful, but it wasn't enough to forget all of this damage and I just can't undo it. I wish I could turn back time and go back to who I used to be. A confident, independent, ambitious woman - now I can't even step outside alone without sweating and shaking. My world doesn't seem to be bright anymore. And it's not even because I love him, because I'm over that and over him, but it's like what he did to me triggered something inside me to open this flood gate of so many negative emotions, anxiety, depression, panic disorder, PTSD, nightmares. I feel so weak because when I first saw the letter was from him, I didn't leave the house for days and I stayed in my bedroom everyday just laying in bed and having panic attacks. I have felt a prisoner inside my own mind for months and my safe place was my bedroom - until I got that letter, I now no longer have any safe place. So I suppose what brought me here today was to vent but also to ask, has anyone else suffered so much to this depth where they could see no way out and overcame it? Because right now I seriously need someone or something to help me, motivate me, convince me that there is a way out of this. -Misconstrued. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted August 7, 2018 Share Posted August 7, 2018 Time is on your side. You will get better & the bad things like the PTSD will subside. Keep going to therapy. Do something nice for yourself -- take a walk, feel the sun on your face. Hang in there. Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted August 7, 2018 Share Posted August 7, 2018 Do you feel the therapy is helping? What does your therapist say about how you're feeling? Does he/she feel you're making progress? My thought is that it will just take time, but I think it's important you make consistent progress, however slow. I think the extent of your anxiety is probably beyond what most of us are dealing or have dealt with. Make sure you are being very honest and forthcoming with your therapist about the depth of what you are experiencing. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted August 7, 2018 Share Posted August 7, 2018 My world doesn't seem to be bright anymore. And it's not even because I love him, because I'm over that and over him, but it's like what he did to me triggered something inside me to open this flood gate of so many negative emotions, anxiety, depression, panic disorder, PTSD, nightmares. I feel so weak because when I first saw the letter was from him, I didn't leave the house for days and I stayed in my bedroom everyday just laying in bed and having panic attacks. I have felt a prisoner inside my own mind for months and my safe place was my bedroom - until I got that letter, I now no longer have any safe place. So I suppose what brought me here today was to vent but also to ask, has anyone else suffered so much to this depth where they could see no way out and overcame it? Because right now I seriously need someone or something to help me, motivate me, convince me that there is a way out of this. -Misconstrued. I'm going to gently suggest your reaction is beyond what one normally experiences due to a break-up. Almost all of us have had our hearts broken, many have been cheated on and yet we've still functioned in our lives. Your condition indicates there's a larger agenda at hand. I hope you're willing to do the hard work in therapy to reclaim your life and happiness. Keep posting, let us know how you're doing... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
amber_haeg Posted August 8, 2018 Share Posted August 8, 2018 Hang in there. Your reaction and what you are going through is completely normal. I went through something that I never thought I would be a victim of -- I got married and later found out, he isn't the positive guy he showed himself to be -- he was emotionally abusive or when he was upset it would all come out and I would be drained. I think most people don't understand how this stuff effects you when your going through it consistently. We have discussed it and that he needs to work on this -- but I had to take 2 months away to get back on track of who I AM. So I think seek help, there are people who are willing to listen and just make a commitment to only work on YOU. Pick up a sport. ETC It sounds simple but it helps us so much. Keep busy -- it will be your best therapy friend. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
marky00 Posted August 8, 2018 Share Posted August 8, 2018 I'm going to gently suggest your reaction is beyond what one normally experiences due to a break-up. Almost all of us have had our hearts broken, many have been cheated on and yet we've still functioned in our lives. Your condition indicates there's a larger agenda at hand. I hope you're willing to do the hard work in therapy to reclaim your life and happiness. Keep posting, let us know how you're doing... Mr. Lucky You better had me to the list then because I am with the OP. NO breakup is the same. My ex dumped me when I visited her in another country with my family. Left me in a hotel and I found out another guy was involved. We had been off an on for 9 years. She had been in my country just 6 weeks earlier for Christmas. That happened in 2015. For the last year or so, I am mostly fine in that I function ok and can work close to my full capacity. But there is something in me that has changed that can't be fixed. It's a permanent change. History can't be unwritten and as the OP said, one can forgive but not necessarily forget. I do agree some people's personalities are more vulnerable to breakups. I am a deep-thinker (not so much anymore) and also call things out exactly for what they are (even if that means judging me and hurting myself). So based on that, some of my pain was caused by that. However, I won't own all of it. The way my ex handled the BU, she definitely is major factor. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted August 8, 2018 Share Posted August 8, 2018 I do agree some people's personalities are more vulnerable to breakups. I think we're essentially saying the same thing. Were it me, I'd want to understand the vulnerability affected in an effort to be more resilient in the face of life's inevitable hard knocks. If I'm going to feel the pain, I'd like to emerge with the gain... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
marky00 Posted August 8, 2018 Share Posted August 8, 2018 (edited) I think we're essentially saying the same thing. Were it me, I'd want to understand the vulnerability affected in an effort to be more resilient in the face of life's inevitable hard knocks. If I'm going to feel the pain, I'd like to emerge with the gain... Mr. Lucky Except for the fact I also think no BU is the same and you can't compare experiences like-for-like. Dumpee may have loved more, invested more and may have been screwed over more. OP has had 2 crappy experiences back-to-back. That would mess with most people's heads. Edited August 8, 2018 by marky00 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted August 8, 2018 Share Posted August 8, 2018 Dumpee may have loved more, invested more and may have been screwed over more. I think you'd have a hard time convincing someone else in that situation that the OP's heart - or yours - was more broken than theirs. This comes down to coping mechanisms and strong connections to family, friends and work. Those strategies are learned as are the other hard lessons in love and life. No shame in being deeply affected by something but we owe it to ourselves to take the steps to put it in perspective and move on. I'll agree, each person processes this at their own pace... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Author Misconstrued Posted August 8, 2018 Author Share Posted August 8, 2018 I'm going to gently suggest your reaction is beyond what one normally experiences due to a break-up. Almost all of us have had our hearts broken, many have been cheated on and yet we've still functioned in our lives. My reaction isn't due to the break-up, it's due to the assault. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Misconstrued Posted August 8, 2018 Author Share Posted August 8, 2018 Do you feel the therapy is helping? What does your therapist say about how you're feeling? Does he/she feel you're making progress? My thought is that it will just take time, but I think it's important you make consistent progress, however slow. I think the extent of your anxiety is probably beyond what most of us are dealing or have dealt with. Make sure you are being very honest and forthcoming with your therapist about the depth of what you are experiencing. The therapy does help because I have someone I can speak to openly without the fear of being judged, I still have shame about what happened and feelings of guilt because I felt I provoked it but that's my own battle to deal with. What tends to happen is I make progress and then something sets me back and I'm back to where I started. And you're right, it's important to make progress however slow. Thank you Link to post Share on other sites
Author Misconstrued Posted August 8, 2018 Author Share Posted August 8, 2018 Hang in there. Your reaction and what you are going through is completely normal. I went through something that I never thought I would be a victim of -- I got married and later found out, he isn't the positive guy he showed himself to be -- he was emotionally abusive or when he was upset it would all come out and I would be drained. I think most people don't understand how this stuff effects you when your going through it consistently. We have discussed it and that he needs to work on this -- but I had to take 2 months away to get back on track of who I AM. So I think seek help, there are people who are willing to listen and just make a commitment to only work on YOU. Pick up a sport. ETC It sounds simple but it helps us so much. Keep busy -- it will be your best therapy friend. I'm very sorry to hear what happened to you, I hope you're at least better now. Thanks for your post, I could somewhat relate to it and understand. Link to post Share on other sites
marky00 Posted August 8, 2018 Share Posted August 8, 2018 (edited) I think you'd have a hard time convincing someone else in that situation that the OP's heart - or yours - was more broken than theirs. This comes down to coping mechanisms and strong connections to family, friends and work. Those strategies are learned as are the other hard lessons in love and life. No shame in being deeply affected by something but we owe it to ourselves to take the steps to put it in perspective and move on. I'll agree, each person processes this at their own pace... Mr. Lucky Luckily i'm not here to convince you. And it's of if we disagree. Edited August 8, 2018 by marky00 Link to post Share on other sites
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