Sunsetblvd Posted August 7, 2018 Share Posted August 7, 2018 my bf and i have been together for over two years and thru out this has bothered me even tho i have tried to let it go.he has a female best friend of like 10 years, when we started dating i believed she liked him but she didnt do anything outright disrespectful or inappropriate and i asked if they ever hooked up and he said no so i left it alone. they used to hang out alone together at her house (her bf and child were there) so while i didnt feel 100 at ease again i said nothing. then friends who knew them both before me while reminiscing said that they hooked up- i was mad and asked him again and again and for a while didnt drop it (because he has had some lying issues in the past he keeps things from me that he knows will piss me off-) so he denied it said it was a rumor started by his ex at the time who was crazy jealous- so again i put it on the back burner...fast forward a year she has moved out of state and we now have a child and live together and one evening she came up in conversation and when i said off handedly i still dont believe you guys never hooked up, meaning that they actually wouldve made a good match (i am a moron i know ? ) he gets furious and tells me not to start- that reaction makes me suspicious so of course i counter with if you did its about time you tell me the truth, so a huge argument ensues where he says "you always tell me to tell you the truth and that you wont get mad but when i do tell you you cant handle it and you get mad"- to me, that was an admission of guilt without having to say- but i kept asking straight out and he kept saying no no no. we have been going to counceling (not for this) and i brought it up there as well hoping hed be honest...he stuck to his story said no....i still do not believe him at all. and sometimes thinking of this gives me so much anxiety and anger i cant stand the thought of my partner sharing a sexual secret with someone who i had/have to see and making me go thru getting yelled at and insulted all for wanting to know, i feel as if hes choosing her over me. i ask myself why does this bother me? i cant go back and change it, it was before me..and i think the answer is simply that i want to know all the ins n out of my partner and i hate being made to look stupid and lied to and i dont want to be hanging out with some girl my boyfriend slept with and not know. ...i dont know what to do... Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted August 7, 2018 Share Posted August 7, 2018 (edited) If you don't believe him, then you esteem him to be a liar---so the question becomes: why are you insisting upon being with someone you feel is a bald-faced liar? You two are not compatible--that much is clear. He can't be honest with you without you getting angry over what he tells you, but you will get angry if he doesn't tell you what you don't want to hear, so he keeps it to himself to keep the peace. I really can't see that there are any redeeming qualities about your relationship that would commend it towards continuing if you're fighting with him like this. Nothing in this universe is going to make the earth spin backwards so he can get a do-over---so, you're going to have to decide if this is really the hill to die on and if it is, then just end things and find someone else to build a life with because you'll never be happy with someone you've determined is a liar. If it's not the hill to die on then perhaps some individual therapy is in order for you to figure out why you can't let this go---because this really isn't a couple's issue. It's your issue and it needs unpacking and sorting with a professional. Edited August 7, 2018 by kendahke Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sunsetblvd Posted August 7, 2018 Author Share Posted August 7, 2018 To the commenter, I feel this is harsh and clearly in these thread a lot of details facts events are left out. I’d like to say again as in my post I do not wish or want a do over for him what’s done is done I just hate the lies and the effort to keep it from me (assuming he is) And two- I don’t deem him a liar he IS a liar that’s one of the reasons for our counceling. Although he hasn’t lied about relationship ending things like cheating he does keep things from me and lastly 3. Yes I will be upset if he tells me an ugly truth but I am entitled to feel how I feel as long as I don’t hold it over his head for the rest of his life which I don’t, and lastly while I will enevitably get mad at some truths I will be more angry over lying about said truths Link to post Share on other sites
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