Just found out my MM passed away yesterday..

[Cocochai]

I’ve been off/on this website so I’m not a new member.

 

I’ve been in a relationship with my boyfriend for almost 6 months and he’s everything I’ve ever wanted in a mate.

 

I was dealing with the MM for 6 years... He knew I found someone and we tried to stop but ended up right back where we started. I felt guilty of course, and I kept telling myself.. As long as he was in my life, I could never truly move on completely with my BF. He’s talking marriage already and a future. We’re so much alike and compatible.

 

But, deep down I knew my feelings for MM were still there. I saw him just last Friday... And just like that, found out he passesed away on my FB timeline.

 

We unfriended each other until I got into my relationship because, I felt like I could handle seeing him and his families pictures on my timeline since being in my new relationship. I was able to!

 

Should I feel the way I do knowing that his wife and kids deserve to mourn way more than I do? 6 years of being involved with this man and then wham! He’s gone! A part of me says “I’m finally free to move on with someone who treats me like I’ve always wyanted to”.. but deep down inside I knew what it was & in a way, we both cared about each other despite the situation.

 

I’ve never cheated on any man until I met the MM. I feel numb & confused right now... I’m breaving for his family... I feel.. Like I don’t deserve to feel sadness for what I’ve done.

 

Has anyone been through this???

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Be prepared to be confronted. Sounds like his death was unexpected, which probably means he left oodles of evidence around about you. Happened with my dad when he died suddenly.

[FMW]

Of course you have the right to mourn, he was part of your life for 6 years. The price you pay for the nature of the relationship is that your mourning cannot be public though.

[Mr. Lucky]

I feel.. Like I don’t deserve to feel sadness for what I’ve done.

 

I understand the empathy for your MM and his family, it sounds like his passing was sudden. A tragic situation.

 

But why not equal concern for your BF? He's walking into a situation where he knows nothing about the facts affecting his life and future. Seems just as sad...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Cocochai]

Be prepared to be confronted. Sounds like his death was unexpected, which probably means he left oodles of evidence around about you. Happened with my dad when he died suddenly.

 

No he wasn’t sloppy like that... sorry for the loss of your father mines passed as well.

[Cocochai]

I understand the empathy for your MM and his family, it sounds like his passing was sudden. A tragic situation.

 

But why not equal concern for your BF? He's walking into a situation where he knows nothing about the facts affecting his life and future. Seems just as sad...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

My BF knows nothing of him. I’ve always had that in the back of my mind and what it could do to our relationship if he ever found out. I’ve been cheated on before so yeah... I know the pain of that!

 

It’s like the other poster mentioned I have to grieve in silence although some of my friends knew of the situation. It was sudden but I’m more concerned for his kids/wife and loved ones losing him despite being selfish for 6 years. We had mutual friends. It will just be a mourn in silence.

Edited August 7, 2018 by Cocochai

[Normm]

No he wasn... sorry for the loss of your father mines passed as well.

 

 

Well what about the ways in which you communicated? Did he delete every call, text, email and social website message? Because it only takes once and you'll go from having to deal with grieving his loss to an onslaught from his family. With no one else to blame you're going to be a moving target.

[Daisy2013]

Sorry for your loss. Why should you feel guilty for grieving? You loved him, too. Now, though, you can move on. But be fair to your bf. You may need some time to process. Don't hurt him.

[Cocochai]

Sorry for your loss. Why should you feel guilty for grieving? You loved him, too. Now, though, you can move on. But be fair to your bf. You may need some time to process. Don't hurt him.

 

Thank you! I won’t hurt him anymore behind his back. I knew it was wrong but nobody understands unless you’re ever involved in this situation. I know I’ll have to grieve in silence and my friend even suggested I attend the funeral but I could NEVER!

 

His death was unexpected.. He was young. Never imagined this happening and reality sets in. Do the right things in life. Marriage is sacarred.

 

I can’t even write on his timeline for fear of one of his friends knowing who I was so I’m just mourning in silence.

[somanymistakes]

It's a shock, and it hurts. You need to take a little time to yourself to mourn him and lay his ghost to rest.

 

You are allowed to feel sadness, just don't intrude on his family during their time of pain.

[Ronnie33]

I am so sorry. This is one of my fears and something that was discussed often with my exap who was born with a genetic lung disease and has been in and out of the hospital many times.

 

You have a right to mourn a person you cared for. Regardless of the situation he was someone you had a relationship with. Grieve the loss and then move on with your new relationship.

 

Good luck and again, I am so sorry.

[Bufo]

This response may seem somewhat odd, and it is not an attampted thread jack.

 

Watching my wife read her MMexBF’s obituary gave me assurance that she had lost all feelings for him. That guy was from an A that started and ended before we met, but seeing her lack of reaction gave me release from occasional thoughts that I might have been a rebound, etc.

 

I don’t know if your current BF knows about him, but if he does you might consider mentioning his passing in a non-emotional manner.

[Cocochai]

This response may seem somewhat odd, and it is not an attampted thread jack.

 

Watching my wife read her MMexBF’s obituary gave me assurance that she had lost all feelings for him. That guy was from an A that started and ended before we met, but seeing her lack of reaction gave me release from occasional thoughts that I might have been a rebound, etc.

 

I don’t know if your current BF knows about him, but if he does you might consider mentioning his passing in a non-emotional manner.

 

He doesn’t. My BF wasn’t a rebound in anyway. MM & I got so use to what we did the emotions & guilt (especially on his part), was dwelling down but we both cared for each other still.

[Robert]

Okay... After 17 posts being deleted for being mean spirited or off topic and generally non supportive or topical to the thread I think you should at least read the opening post and post to that.

 

There is latitude on whether or not telling the BF is appropriate since he was mentioned in the opening post but most of those posts that dealt with that part of the topic were deleted as they couched the mean spirited posts into them.

 

Thanks

Edited August 8, 2018 by Robert
changed the number of posts having been deleted

[BTDT2012]

Of course you have the 'right' to mourn. But you should mourn in private, don't in any way intrude on his family.

I do think you need to work through your feelings before you accept a marriage proposal.

[Poppy47]

So sorry for your situation. It must be awful.

 

If it were me, I would definitely be going to the funeral. because nobody in MM's circle knows me at all. I could not stay away. You have known this man for many years and mourning is not an option... you certainly will.

 

Perhaps you need to heal from MM before you move forward to engagement or marriage with your BF. Are you going to tell him?

 

Ourania.

[misspalmy]

a loss is a loss no matter who they are to you. people cry over there cleaner passing. you have ever right to cry over his death.

[MissBee]

I'm so sorry Cocochai, I can only imagine. My heart goes out to you.

 

Regardless of if it was an affair or not, this was someone you knew, cared about and spent time with. When I've heard that people have passed away who I even only knew briefly or in passing or through others, I still often feel so sad, so in a case like this, you deserve to grieve!

 

Please find someone you can share and talk with. Coming here is a step. Even seeing a grief counselor for a few sessions if you need it. You don't want to bottle it up inside. You want to process it and mourn. Share with your bf as well. As at this point it's not about you crying missing your ex, but being sad over the death of someone you cared about.

 

Truthfully, this was a huge fear of mine in my former A. I'm someone who gets anxious and there were times when for example I didn't hear from him and I'd start spinning these scenarios imagining what if he was ill in the hospital or had died and it terrified me so much that I would either not know, not know for a long time, or have no legitimate space to grieve. That really scared me in the A.

 

I'm so sorry this happened and it would also be good for you to even do something on your own to honor him or even send flowers anonymously if that's an option. But you definitely deserve your own grieving space and should take it.

Edited August 20, 2018 by MissBee