Feel like throwing in the towel

[Contemplative72]

Hi everyone. I’m new to the site and after reading through some responses to posts I thought I’d join on account that the members here seem to provide genuinely thought out responses. Seems like a great group.

 

I’ll try to make it short and sweet. I’m married to my second husband. Been married for 6 years and together for 9. He’s 10 years younger than I. In 2016, I got sick. They first thought I had MS. Then a stroke. I was out on some pretty hard core brain medication which made it so that I effectively functioned like I was drunk. Slurring words, walking unbalanced into walls and that kind of thing. This lasted about 6 months until we learned that I never did have a stroke and I didn’t have MS either. It turned out to be all spine related. Pinched nerves and ruptured discs. All that to say that during this time, when I needed him the most, he pretty much disappeared. Would stay up all night posting to forums and playing video games. I would be up early and crying my eyes out researching anything I could find on MS because I felt like I had been given a death sentence from a quality of life perspective. I couldn’t write or think clearly. It was terrifying. Fast forward and I am getting ready to have surgery. I can’t really walk much now and I’m in a great deal of pain. It’s been a long journey. I get that it must be tough for him but at the same time I am incredibly resentful now that I am on the cusp of getting some of my life back. I feel like if that’s how he acts when the chips are down then I don’t need that in my life. I question his dedication. During this time he withheld sex as well. I needed him and he wasn’t there. Bottom line. He thinks he’s trying “now” and that I should be able to let things go and move on. I never would have closed myself off to him the way he did me if this happened to him. I was absolutely abandoned and have these visions of getting stronger and cutting him loose. Deep down I wish he could just take the time to truly talk it through but he insists it’s okay to be distant and doesn’t understand what I mean by having a deeper connection and understanding why things unfolded the way they did being critical to not letting it happen again. I feel like it’s mainly a communication issue but then again once you feel rejected over things like sex it’s hard to get it back. I am basically trying to weigh the effort of going all in versus saying screw it.

Edited August 7, 2018 by Contemplative72

[BaileyB]

First, I'm so sorry that you were feeling so sick and very glad to hear that you are getting stronger.

 

Times like this really do show you who you can trust, and who you can not. Unfortunately, you may move forward but you will never truly forget that your husband was not there when you needed him most.

 

As you move forward I would ask if you have considered marriage counselling - to share your feelings, help him to understand, and work on your communication skills? My question to you as it relates to whether you should go "all in" or not - what do you have to lose? I personally would want to know that I've tried everything before letting go...

[Normm]

he insists it’s okay to be distant and doesn’t understand what I mean by having a deeper connection

 

 

It's ok for HIM. If you're willing to accept that's the way he is and he's never going to change and he's shown what to expect when you need help and you're good with that then don't change a thing. Most wouldn't put up with it but we all have our dealbreakers and draw our line in different places.

[FMW]

What a rough couple of years!

 

Supporting your spouse through those rough times is at the core of a true marriage. You husband failed at this. His true character revealed itself. That's why he's not able to understand the need to have that connection and understanding. He doesn't have it in him.

 

I know that's really harsh, I'm sorry, I'm sure it comes from one of my personal triggers. My xH failed in the emotional support area as well, although not in such a physically devastating situation.

[Mr. Lucky]

What a rough couple of years!

 

Agreed, what a terrible ordeal. Kudos to you for continuing to fight through your recovery.

 

I'm curious - how was your marriage and sex life before you got sick?

 

Mr. Lucky

[Contemplative72]

First, I'm so sorry that you were feeling so sick and very glad to hear that you are getting stronger.

 

Times like this really do show you who you can trust, and who you can not. Unfortunately, you may move forward but you will never truly forget that your husband was not there when you needed him most.

 

As you move forward I would ask if you have considered marriage counselling - to share your feelings, help him to understand, and work on your communication skills? My question to you as it relates to whether you should go "all in" or not - what do you have to lose? I personally would want to know that I've tried everything before letting go...

 

He won’t go. Besides, right now I’m bedridden and any energy I have goes to making it through the day. I’m incredibly weak, which I feel makes this even more crappy. I am unable to talk about anything he does wrong. He loses it and immediately starts swearing at me and rolls his eyes and mocks me. He is cold. Utterly disinterested in understanding emotional needs. He quite literally can do nothing wrong.

[Contemplative72]

It's ok for HIM. If you're willing to accept that's the way he is and he's never going to change and he's shown what to expect when you need help and you're good with that then don't change a thing. Most wouldn't put up with it but we all have our dealbreakers and draw our line in different places.

 

Agreed 100%. I’ve been in an abusive relationship before. Only one, but it was a biggie. Many years ago. I know the signs of doom. I’m shattered. It’s like there is no turning back now that certain behaviours have reared their ugly heads. I don’t want this and I’m so weak right now. Honestly, if I was financially stable right now, he’d be gone. I say that because I have my youngest daughter who I have commitments for. A trip to Europe planned I’m making payments on and she’s also an elite level sprinter. That’s has costs. If I didn’t have her to think about, this would be a no-brainer I think. If I was stronger, also easy. It’s a perfect storm right now unless he all of a sudden wakes up and sees what he’s doing to me. He needs to grow the heck up.

[Contemplative72]

What a rough couple of years!

 

Supporting your spouse through those rough times is at the core of a true marriage. You husband failed at this. His true character revealed itself. That's why he's not able to understand the need to have that connection and understanding. He doesn't have it in him.

 

I know that's really harsh, I'm sorry, I'm sure it comes from one of my personal triggers. My xH failed in the emotional support area as well, although not in such a physically devastating situation.

 

You’re exactly right. If only he could see this.

[Contemplative72]

Agreed, what a terrible ordeal. Kudos to you for continuing to fight through your recovery.

 

I'm curious - how was your marriage and sex life before you got sick?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

It was alright. I was largely the one initiating though. And for me, it’s not natural. Not that I would never initiate, but I feel more like a woman if I’m being pursued, sexually speaking. He is like that will all marital affairs though. Can’t handle money, has no idea nor interest in the bills or how they get paid. I married a man-child and got exactly what I signed up for I’m afraid. I guess I thought he would grow up at some point but it seems he’s stagnating and possibly even regressing.

[Mr. Lucky]

It was alright. I was largely the one initiating though. And for me, it’s not natural. Not that I would never initiate, but I feel more like a woman if I’m being pursued, sexually speaking. He is like that will all marital affairs though. Can’t handle money, has no idea nor interest in the bills or how they get paid. I married a man-child and got exactly what I signed up for I’m afraid. I guess I thought he would grow up at some point but it seems he’s stagnating and possibly even regressing.

 

I'm afraid my experience with passive and immature people like this is that times of crisis and need make them less dependable and proactive, not more.

 

So his shut-down and non-performance during your illness was pretty predictable. As is his inability to engage in solutions. IC and MC would be the normal recommendations, not sure if they'd help here ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[BaileyB]

I'm afraid my experience with passive and immature people like this is that times of crisis and need make them less dependable and proactive, not more.

 

So his shut-down and non-performance during your illness was pretty predictable. As is his inability to engage in solutions. IC and MC would be the normal recommendations, not sure if they'd help here ...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

If he won't go to counselling, as you have indicated that he won't, then I'm not sure there is much more that you can do...

 

I would focus on my health and emotional wellbeing... however you need to do that.

 

I hope you are feeling better soon.

[Lotsgoingon]

Wow, sorry to hear of your ordeal.

 

A work mentor and friend of mine says she knew her marriage was over when she felt a lump on her breast and her husband said something like, "that's your problem."

 

Literally she says, she knew she was leaving him at that moment. Of course, this was the culmination of many unhappy moments--not a freak occurrence--but his reaction ended the love for her. Gone.

 

I so hope your back surgery is successful ... I know spine surgeons (neuro and orthopedic) have made huge progress in understanding back surgery with nerves and all of that. I really hope this works for you ... though I know rehab and regaining your strength will take some time.

 

But ... I'm thinking you don't have to decide anything right now. Let yourself heal ... Once you are hopefully feeling better (and able to walk and so on), OMG, you will feel so empowered and alive ... and then you'll have the full energy to sort through this relationship.

 

This may seem passive aggressive and maybe it is ... and maybe this is a time to not worry about being passive aggressive. But can you tap your friends for some help? And family? Invite mom to stay with you? Dad? Brother? Cousin? Can you do that?

 

Let yourself receive love and TLC from friends during this time ... that way you'll be less emotionally and physically dependent on him.

 

Your husband unfortunately sounds absolutely terrified of illness of any kind (probably the type that will ignore warning from doctors and get himself into health trouble) ... But that's no excuse ...

 

I get why you bring up the past ... because his behavior in the earlier episode leaves you afraid to trust him now. Totally reasonable. And you couldn't afford to feel your anger then, but you can feel it now. Anger comes up and surprises us like that ... we don't necessarily show it in the moment, but it's there.

 

You might want to put your anger on hold if you can ... again, think of bringing in friends ....there are websites and apps out there where you can create a calendar (or better yet, have a friend help you create the calendar--checking with you) for best times for visitation. Your friends can sign up to visit you either in the hospital or at home ... and they can bring food.

 

Give yourself permission to receive care from others! And avoid promising anything in return or guilt ... of course, you'll be a good friend later. But now, learn to receive ... fully receive!

 

I'm having hip replacement surgery next month, and I'm single ... so I will be calling on friends to bring me food and go on walks with me while I'm recovering from surgery.

 

Don't be afraid to get your own therapist asap ... even if you have to do it by phone or the internet.

 

Sounds like the marriage is right on the brink of being over for you ... but you know ... if you're gonna get out ... relax into that ... and make the best (or minimize the worst) of the situation with him now ... Knowing you can and will act on things later.

 

This is just an idea and thinking aloud--not a confident suggestion.

 

Good luck.