Should my fiancee set boundaries with co worker?

[lealvr224]

So lately my fiancees co workers have been over stepping some boundaries in my opinion. He works with 90% females, which never bothered me until now. A few incidents have been upseting me lately. So he works 12 hour days M-F and every other Saturday. Last saturday we were on our way to our dinner date when his female manager asked him to call her quick to talk about something for 5 mins. Ok. Fine. No problem right? Well it turned out to be a 35 min conversation gossiping, discussing nothing important. Whats so important to be calling and gossiping for 30 min on a Sat night? I told him not to take any work calls on the weekend when hes not working. Now his other co-worker keeps texting him which seems like to me shes looking for reasons to start up conversations. I might just be paranoid. She'll text things like "OMG you're moving to Florida, youre sucha freak ;)" and just things not relevant to work. These girls are cute girls and after a year of him working there, i havent met any of them, but i know they know he has a fiancee because he posts about me all over his social media which theyre friends on, and he says he talks about me nonstop. So im not sure. What do I do! BTW were both 23/24, so im not sure if this is normal for a "real job" so dont judge me. Im not a controlling person and at first I wasnt even that mad until my family and friends told me its not ok. But i want outside opinions!

Edited August 8, 2018 by lealvr224

[preraph]

It's certainly normal or commonplace for an attractive man to get pursued by women at work. Is it acceptable he's not setting any boundaries? No. I'm sure he enjoys their attention. I mean, if your boss texts or calls, not much you can do except tell them you're in the middle of dinner or something or have them put it in an email.

 

These girls looking for an excuse to talk to him after work, that's where he needs to simply not answer them until during work hours. They should get the hint. Trouble is he probably enjoys it. Can you ever answer his phone or text and say, "This is Marianne, his fiance. He's busy right now. Can I give him a message or can this wait until work hours?" You can see if he'll let you do that since he doesn't want to tell them no, but maybe if he's trustworthy, he will let you be the bad guy. I had a bf who would have enjoyed it if I did something like that. Some do, some don't.

[d0nnivain]

It's normal for managers to call employees about work related topics. The employee probably can't not answer.

 

To babble on for 35 minutes on a Saturday night is problematic. Your BF needs to be more directive & end the conversation once it stops being about work.

[lealvr224]

You're right. He told me I could say something and he has no problem with it. I just dont want to be "that crazy girl" and cause problems for him at work. He hates conflict, so I think the common ground is he should be the one to set the boundaries, but say it in a nice way. I just cant tell if shes trying to start conversation to come on to him or just as friends. But I appreciate your reply.

[Gaeta]

It's just office gossiping, I think you're stretching it when you think they're looking to seduce him or something. He could simply say he's busy and he'll get the latest on everyone's drama Monday. It's not the co-workers that are at fault, it's your boyfriend for not knowing when to put his phone on silence.

[lealvr224]

Yeah well the thing is she didnt text him and say "call me so we can catch up", she said "call me quick its important" when it was not. So he didn't know, he would never willingly call to gossip. But yes, once he realized it wasn't important he should have cut it off.

[Gaeta]

Yeah well the thing is she didnt text him and say "call me so we can catch up", she said "call me quick its important" when it was not. So he didn't know, he would never willingly call to gossip. But yes, once he realized it wasn't important he should have cut it off.

 

 

That 35 mins chatting happened where? in the car? or at the restaurant table?

 

 

I would not mind my bf doing his work gossiping while we drive somewhere but once we're at the restaurant I'd expect him to cut it off.

[lealvr224]

It was on the ride home. But, I never get to see him because hes always working, and our schedules are polar opposite. So I cherish every minute we have together, its rare that we have a day off at the same time. On that 40-minute car ride home, I love to talk and bond. I mean hes with them 50+ hours a week, why not wait until then? Maybe your circumstances are different. But I just feel like when you spend more time in the office than at home, our time is our time.

[d0nnivain]

He is conflict avoidant & will never set the boundaries you seek. He will forever let these people abuse his time because he would rather let them talk then tell them to stop. He is not cheating. He just can't tell them to hush. Because it's work you can't say anything on his behalf.

[lealvr224]

I agree. Urgh. Wish he would grow a pair though!

[Gaeta]

It was on the ride home. But, I never get to see him because hes always working, and our schedules are polar opposite. So I cherish every minute we have together, its rare that we have a day off at the same time. On that 40-minute car ride home, I love to talk and bond. I mean hes with them 50+ hours a week, why not wait until then? Maybe your circumstances are different. But I just feel like when you spend more time in the office than at home, our time is our time.

 

 

If you spend that little time together then I agree with you. BF & I see each other every day and spend our weekends together so we don't mind the occasional distraction from others.

 

 

The problem isn't them though, the problem is him unable to set boundaries. You should avoid reprehending him from having phone calls from the office or from co-workers. The solution isn't there. The solution would be to have a rule when you're together he puts his phone on silence and he checks his messages later. He may not be able to set boundaries but you can.

[preraph]

Oh, he has a pair. But his pair like the attention. If he will let you answer his phone, there is no need at all to be anything but sweet on the phone. Just act like he genuinely is in the middle of something and very busy and can't come to the phone. The point is that unless she is as thick as stone, once you answer the phone, this should take the wind out of her sails because she has that to look forward to every time, plus will have to assume he IS busy and that if he does come to the phone, you will be listening. Just act like his secretary who protects him from unwanted callers. Then don't give him the message unless it's important until right before he goes to work.

[smackie9]

I have worked with my company for almost 28 years and it's common place for co-workers to form a bond like bandits, and gossip. I get texts and sometimes phone calls after hours about the goings on with people at work and some juicy gossip. It's not frequent but it happens.

 

 

 

These women are not hitting on or after your fiance....they are acting like a bunch of junior high school kids. The only thing I see a problem with this is that if you are out on a date night together, that call should have been ignored out of courtesy. Tell your fiance that taking these calls and texts while you two are spending your quality time together is rude and inconsiderate. That's it...tell him that. I think it's a reasonable request.

[Arieswoman]

lealvr224,

Maybe thing are different in USA but my take (as a Brit) is this - unless your fiance is being paid a "call-out" allowance then his responsibility to the company ends when he leaves work and he shouldn't be taking 'phone calls from anyone when he's out of the office.

 

 

(The only exception to this is if the office burns down and someone from HR rings him to tell him not to come in until further notice )

 

 

I think you need to have a serious think about this. Do you want to marry someone who has poor boundaries and is conflict avoidant? How would you feel if you were living with him and these calls were interrupting your home life?

 

 

Others may disagree but personally I think he's disrespecting you.

[usa1ah]

lealvr224,

Maybe thing are different in USA but my take (as a Brit) is this - unless your fiance is being paid a "call-out" allowance then his responsibility to the company ends when he leaves work and he shouldn't be taking 'phone calls from anyone when he's out of the office.

 

 

(The only exception to this is if the office burns down and someone from HR rings him to tell him not to come in until further notice )

 

 

I think you need to have a serious think about this. Do you want to marry someone who has poor boundaries and is conflict avoidant? How would you feel if you were living with him and these calls were interrupting your home life?

 

 

Others may disagree but personally I think he's disrespecting you.

 

Never heard of a call-out allowance. That would be nice here in the states.

[Arieswoman]

USA1h,

A "callout allowance" is when an employee is on-call to an organisation and get paid a fee for it.

It means that they should be available for company business at certain times.

 

 

So they can't drink and can't turn their mobile of during that time.

[smackie9]

In Canada we call that being "on call".

 

 

 

BUT being contacted about company business, and what payment is received varies from company to company because they have their own policy.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It's my company's policy that, you are still expected to answer your phone 24/7. They do provide you with a phone at the companies expense. Me being a key player in the operation I get calls on my holidays and after hours. I do take those calls for free, and I don't mind being at help if I can, my husband is they same way....we are very loyal to our jobs.

[usa1ah]

Same in the states, just don’t get paid for being “on call”.

[Gaeta]

If my office calls or text me at night or on weekend I pick up. I am not paid for it, I do it out of diligeance. It has happened I get text from colleagues just to share some office gossips, those I can let sit there and get back to them after dinner or on Monday. It's all a matter of judgment.