Too available, how to switch up

[Mrrippey]

I’m not going to bore you with all the details but this is the current situation:

1. Has a FWB situation for two years.

2. Yes it got too serious, meaning feelings

3. She got pregnant by her ex now husband

4. She has reached out to have a drink, has done this twice, first time a few months ago we met up and it was awkward. She knew she ****ed up with me by not telling me sh got back with her man.

5. She recently sent me a text to ask me if I maybe wanted to grab a drink. She asked me for my availability.

 

Here is where I messed up. Although I have a lot going on, hooking up with her really isn’t time consuming so I replied that I’m available outside of Thursday. Of course her reply was she was only available Thursday but we can hook up in two weeks.

 

This is the thing, I’m very certain she wants to hook up again. Daddy figure.

 

I feel this is a game. I can’t stand games however now I feel like I have to play.

 

Just for history, once she told me she was pregnant (last summer), I have seen her once (a few months ago).

 

I have no plans of reaching out to her (I’ve been no contact outside of birthday, Mother’s Day and to congratulate her on her kid).

 

So when she hits me back to hang out, what’s the angle?

 

Would love to hear from the ladies here particularly.

 

Rippey

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

She's married?

[stillafool]

She is reaching out because her pregnancy hormones are making her horny and she wants sex. My advice would be to leave her where she is pregnant and married and let her husband have this piece of junk.

[Mrrippey]

She's married?

 

She was married, got divorced in year one of us being together. I went on a business trip in Europe and she hooked up and got pregnant by her ex. She then got remarried (or at least living together now).

[Mrrippey]

She is reaching out because her pregnancy hormones are making her horny and she wants sex. My advice would be to leave her where she is pregnant and married and let her husband have this piece of junk.

 

She isn’t pregnant anymore. Had daughter in February but as I said, I’ve been no contact. Any communication she initiated outside of those three days which I do with any of my ex’s.

[d0nnivain]

If she is no longer married & no longer pregnant & you are down for some easy NSA sex, meet with her. If you have enough sense of steer clear of all the drama, block her & move on.

[Mrrippey]

If she is no longer married & no longer pregnant & you are down for some easy NSA sex, meet with her. If you have enough sense of steer clear of all the drama, block her & move on.

 

My ego and sex drive want to get the NSA sex because it is was very, very good.

 

My head says leave her alone.

[preraph]

Sometimes it's wisest to follow your gut instinct on these things. You know the solution to this is for you to get a real girlfriend and just tell her you're seeing someone and not hooking up random anymore and for her to have a happy life...

[DKT3]

My ego and sex drive want to get the NSA sex because it is was very, very good.

 

My head says leave her alone.

 

I would follow that head..

[kamani]

Your story is not very clear to me. Were you together at any stage as a couple? Is she your ex? Who had feelings, you or her? If there were feelings involved why do you want NSA sex now?

 

How old are you? We need more information to provide insight. Her baby is only six months old, so she may not be interested in sex that much currently.

[stillafool]

My ego and sex drive want to get the NSA sex because it is was very, very good.

 

My head says leave her alone.

 

Well since this is the case; definitely leave her alone. You don't want to get pulled back in and mess up your progress.

[Mrrippey]

Your story is not very clear to me. Were you together at any stage as a couple? Is she your ex? Who had feelings, you or her? If there were feelings involved why do you want NSA sex now?

 

How old are you? We need more information to provide insight. Her baby is only six months old, so she may not be interested in sex that much currently.

 

We were never an item. We both caught feelings. It happens. There was never ever a chance of us hooking up. Those all all facts.

 

How she ended things sucked but (eventually) I got past that. Like I said, I’ve been no contact for months. Do I miss the friendship, yes very much. It started sexual and the friendship was what was the coolest thing.

 

Can we be friends? I think that is what’s ay play here. She did ask me when I saw her last (a couple of months ago) if I was still game (NSA) and I said nah, I’m good. No contact until say 2-3 weeks ago. Again, I initiate nothing.

 

So back to my original question, so she blew me off after asking for time. At this point really doesn’t matter. This is taking too much of my time.

 

It was very easy once upon a time, when adults just said what they meant and did what they said they would do. Now I’m looking how to respond to a damn text measaage.

 

Thank all, much appreciated. I’ll ghost her from here on out. It’s not that deep.

[stillafool]

I would think being recently divorced with a 6 month old baby she would be too busy to cultivate a platonic friendship with a man. If she needs friends why doesn't she choose another woman with kids. She definitely wants more than a friendship with you so you are doing the right thing by blocking her.

[preraph]

No, you can't be friends with this woman because she will always mess up a new girlfriend relationship you get with someone else by being around and being obviously not very ethical. So you need to get her out of your life and find yourself a real girlfriend whose ethics you approve of and not let incidental women you had sex with interfere. Clean house.

[Mrrippey]

I was trying to salvage a friendship because when we were friends, we actually and really enjoyed ourselves. She could be who she really was and vice versa.

 

This all changed when I went away for two weeks. Her claim is that she fell into a deep deprdeep depression (we had just came back from FL on a mini vacation but we had been away before).

 

She told me that she called her ex and somehow (lol) got pregnant. Is was May 2017. Not until July did I get the whole story (on my birthday no less). I saw her again in August and didn’t see her not speak to her again until I saw her a few weeks ago. Like i said , no communication outside of birth of baby, Mother’s Day, her birthday. I did get her kid some clothing and dropped at her old place (left with doorman).

 

I had three rules for her, don’t lie, don’t steal, don’t take advantage.

 

She thinks that I can get passed how she did things (what she did I don’t care, I’m happy she has a baby, that’s a blessing). She should have been honest with me and told me she was getting back with her man. We could have ended it amicably and been cool. Now it’s this nonsense and I don’t have the time for it.

 

I like my woman situation to be very simple. Whether it be NSA or FWB, let’s be clear about things. This duck hunting, over available, texting thing is not my speed. I’d rather talk to someone in their face and tell them everything (the only reason I would even think of seeing her at this point).

 

But I’ll not respond to her next advances. Like I said, if it isn’t simple, it’s not me. I have enough stuff to deal with. She was an outlet not an influx of drama.

[preraph]

Well, I get you'd like to still be friends, but no girlfriend of yours in her right mind is going to put up with it, so if you ever decide you want a real relationship instead of a FWB, you're going to have to cut her off. No new woman will view her as "just a friend," and I don't think she has any finesse in her, so you'll get no help from her on it.

[Malin889]

I was trying to salvage a friendship because when we were friends, we actually and really enjoyed ourselves. She could be who she really was and vice versa.

 

This all changed when I went away for two weeks. Her claim is that she fell into a deep deprdeep depression (we had just came back from FL on a mini vacation but we had been away before).

 

She told me that she called her ex and somehow (lol) got pregnant. Is was May 2017. Not until July did I get the whole story (on my birthday no less). I saw her again in August and didn’t see her not speak to her again until I saw her a few weeks ago. Like i said , no communication outside of birth of baby, Mother’s Day, her birthday. I did get her kid some clothing and dropped at her old place (left with doorman).

 

I had three rules for her, don’t lie, don’t steal, don’t take advantage.

 

She thinks that I can get passed how she did things (what she did I don’t care, I’m happy she has a baby, that’s a blessing). She should have been honest with me and told me she was getting back with her man. We could have ended it amicably and been cool. Now it’s this nonsense and I don’t have the time for it.

 

I like my woman situation to be very simple. Whether it be NSA or FWB, let’s be clear about things. This duck hunting, over available, texting thing is not my speed. I’d rather talk to someone in their face and tell them everything (the only reason I would even think of seeing her at this point).

 

But I’ll not respond to her next advances. Like I said, if it isn’t simple, it’s not me. I have enough stuff to deal with. She was an outlet not an influx of drama.

 

You had "three rules for her"? You need rules???

 

When you said you went to Florida - you mean the two of you? As friends?

 

As for calling you now... if she's alone with the baby, then maybe she wants someone there to be there for her and the baby. When I had a six month old baby at home, I mean, I was in a relationship, but I was tired, exhausted!, I wasn't looking to hook up. I just wanted some sleep! So I'm thinking she's looking for company and comfort, an adult to hang out with at home. It's hard being a new mom. I doubt she's looking just for sex.

[kamani]

Although you claim you want NSA sex, you sound pretty into her when I read the post. Revalidate your feelings and play the games or whatever it is if both of you want a relationship. Breaking up and hooking up with you and again getting pregnant by ex doesn't sound very good. Find a girlfriend as others said.

[Mrrippey]

Was I into her, yes I was. Do I still have feelings for her. I’d by lying if i said I didn’t. Like I said, we really hit it off.

 

She is with her husband now, she isn’t alone. However from what she has told me about him, well let’s say she doesn’t hold him with high regard. Which doesn’t make sense if she allowed herself to get pregnant by him. In two years you learn a lot of a person and she told me a lot. I hold many of her secrets thus why I can make some statements and feel very sure about it.

 

I needed rules with her (with each other) because of our tendencies. We are both very sexual and both able to ‘get it’ from anyone. We didn’t want to just be NSA but real friends (with benefits). The friendship grew way stronger than we thought.

 

I had to present at a conference and told her to join me. Although we have had trips together nothing like going to FL for three days. We had a blast, maybe too much of a blast. It was right after that trip she really turned (personality wise). I believe this is the time she started to get back with her ex and got pregnant.

 

Again, I’m not upset she did that. I was not going to give her a child NOR marry her. She knew this from Day 1. She could have been more forthcoming (as friends). Like i said, that part is th past. Now it’s a matter of us being able to be friends again.

 

She was never one to play games. I see her more naive than a player but I could be wrong. This being too available could easily be a misunderstanding. I’m just not buying it. I know she has a new baby, I have four sons so I’m well aware of kids at home. It doesn’t take 3,4,5 days to return a text. I don’t give a **** what’s going on, that’s just being polite.

 

Again, super cool woman that did me wrong and to date we have really not had one real conversation about HOW it went down. WHAT happened is clear. Maybe I’m Asking for too much or maybe I care i much. Either way I’m done as this is really not a very difficult thing to be friends with a former lover. All I wanted to know is why she has been treating me like a stranger all this time when we was supposed to be friends. That’s really all I want to know.

[kamani]

Was I into her, yes I was. Do I still have feelings for her. I’d by lying if i said I didn’t.

 

 

Opposite statements. I have not much experience in FWB situations but I always wonder whether men are better lying to themselves than women when feelings get stronger. You don't want to commit to her, I understand that.

 

By the way OP, I feel FWB is only a label here in the past as well as present. I am sorry to be harsh you are 'The other man' now not the FWB, you like it or not. Not a healthy situation for either of you. Seems you are hurting a lot. Best thing to do is to walk out.

[Mrrippey]

Opposite statements. I have not much experience in FWB situations but I always wonder whether men are better lying to themselves than women when feelings get stronger. You don't want to commit to her, I understand that.

 

By the way OP, I feel FWB is only a label here in the past as well as present. I am sorry to be harsh you are 'The other man' now not the FWB, you like it or not. Not a healthy situation for either of you. Seems you are hurting a lot. Best thing to do is to walk out.

 

Kamani, I agree with everything you are saying.

 

I know I’m the other man, never contested that and that was my preference.

 

Yes men lie to themselves and I’m trying my best not to lie to myself. This is why I want to just know where things stand.

 

FWB and all those labels, again mean nothing. It’s about the understanding two people have. We had that and now I have no idea where I stand. I can assume or lie to myself. I can use the last year and change as evidence but without communication, I don’t know.

 

Maybe my issue is being upset that she just ‘semi-ghosted’ me when she got pregnant when I thought we was very good friends. If there is hurt, it’s that. I don’t care if I ever have sex with her again. If we cannot be friends, I’ll be sad but I have lost before and I will get over it. This in between however is uncomfortable.

 

And since I know her, she will reach out again, maybe after a week or two. This time however I will either ignore (most likely) or ask her the purpose of meeting (she will say for drinks likely like last time).

 

Again this is much too hard, I rather just leave it alone (which seems to be the consensus here).

 

Just as a sidebar, I asked my sister (who is her age) about this whole situation and she told me the reason Cee (my friend) is acting this way is because she is embarrassed. She is young and didn’t know how to communicate this situation to you. Just a perspective.

 

Rippey

[Mrrippey]

So after a long day at work, I decided to go grab a drink in a nearby town (next to mine). Place was kinda empty so I want to the bar to get a drink. Not more than 10 minutes passed and I felt someone touch my on my back. I quickly turn around and it’s her. I’m almost is complete shock.

 

I asked her what she was doing around there (neither of us lives near this place and it’s not like on route, it’s the opposite direction from where we live, yes she moved into the same town I live in). Anyway....

 

We get the talking and I’m being as usual, making jokes and enjoying myself.

 

From the onset, she could not stop talking and touching me. I mean she held my hands the whole time only letting go when actually drinking. I was sitting facing the bar but had to return sideways to face her and she put her legs between mine (that’s how close we got to sit).

 

Inside I’m chucking but I’m also kinda confused but I didn’t really care either way. She eventually gets a text message to pick up her daughter so I walk her to her car. We continue to chat mostly about nothing and as I go and say goodbye (a simple one handed hug), she embraces me and it felt awkward almost like a hug from a stranger or something. Anyway it looked like she wanted to kiss me so I just lowered my cheek and she kissed me there.

 

Just found it alarming all of the touchy geeky stuff. Didn’t expect to even see her let alone that reaction.

 

No I’m not trying to rekindle. Not taking backwards steps. It was interesting however the encounter and how different we were.

 

Oh one more thing, she said she wanted to connect sometime and I just said sure. She said maybe in a month. Again, i said sure.

 

She texted me a few days after that encounter to tell me about a colleague who got let go. I replied generically, again not seeing interested in the conversation.

 

I have not reached out to her at all since this whole too available nonsense started. I just figured if she actually want to see me she would make an effort. I know I will make no effort as I’m not interested in anything deeper than a generic friendship.

Edited October 10, 2018 by Mrrippey
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