Flameless Posted August 8, 2018 Share Posted August 8, 2018 (edited) Currently, my divorce is pending from an 8-year marriage with two kids. Some backstory on my current situation. When I was 23, I met my ex-fiancee who was then 22. When we met, we both agreed we wanted to eventually get married and have a family. First, she wanted to finish school. So after being together for 4 years, she finished school, so we got engaged, but she wanted to enjoy being engaged for a while. So after a two-year engagement, I told her that I wanted to get married and wanted to know what the hold up was. She said that she was still young and just wanted to have a bit more fun before settling down because being married and having kids is a big adjustment and not something to rush her. I loved her so I agreed. Six months after that conversation, she was finished with a job contract and before she wanted to pursue a more permanent position, she came to me and said she wanted to backpack in Europe for 3 months and then when she came back we'd plan the wedding. I was working toward a promotion at my job, so I decided to stay back. That was the beginning of the end of our relationship. The first warning sign was when she extended the trip by a month. During that entire time, we talked daily and I just could here the excitement in her voice. There was a lot of talk about us travelling. I realized we just didn't want the same things. I sat on that realization for a few months, before I called off the engagement. I told her that I thought we needed some time apart to figure out what we wanted. A few months later, I had what was suppose to be a rebound which turned into an 8-year marriage. 9 months ago, my wife pulled the plug on our marriage after a rough two years. We have a 6-year-old daughter and 5-year-old son. That had been the most painful thing to have happened. Which brings me to my current situation. Four months ago I reunited with my ex-fiancee. My family always preferred her over my estranged wife. We have been growing close again but I'm seriously not sure if she is what I want anymore. She is a single mother of a 4-year-old. I don't know if it's because I'm bitter over our break up, or if I'm just over her. I want this second chance to work because she is still the same funny, outgoing woman back then, but I don't know if the spark is there. We laugh and have a good time, but I just don't feel it. We are 42 and 41 respectively now. Any advice? Edited August 8, 2018 by Flameless Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted August 8, 2018 Share Posted August 8, 2018 (edited) If there's no chemistry why pursue her? You are older, wiser and now your eyes are wide open. Things that you didn't see or realize before you now do. Take your time. You don't want to go down the D road again. Plus is she just a rebound that will fizzle out? Edited August 8, 2018 by Marc878 Link to post Share on other sites
ThreeRainbows Posted August 9, 2018 Share Posted August 9, 2018 I would just take it slow. It might take a while before you feel anything. Or it might not happen at all. Don't pressure yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted August 9, 2018 Share Posted August 9, 2018 Just because she's your ex-fiancee doesn't mean you have to reconnect with her. There are plenty of other women out there you'd probably be better connected to. Don't force it based on some romantical/fairytale fantasy in your head. I'm sorry about your divorce . 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Simple Logic Posted August 9, 2018 Share Posted August 9, 2018 So you got rid of a car that didn’t run right and now you want to buy it back? Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted August 9, 2018 Share Posted August 9, 2018 I mean ... if you're going to meet her, throw away the expectation that this will work. Terrible, suffocating and wrong expectation. Go out once ... see how it is ... If you enjoyed time with her, consider going out again ... Literally, go step by step. The problem with jumping ahead (to hoping that it works this time) is that can easily slip into MAKING it work ... by ignoring the lack of chemistry and issues that come up. Step by step. See what happens. Example: the only way this possibly works is if you can, as a friend of mine says about situations like this, fall in love with her kid. So there's that to consider ... But you just have to go a step at a time. And throw out your parent expectations. It's gotta work strictly for you! Perhaps you think the parents are good judges of character ... fine ... but still has to work for you. Purely! It's not a failure if it doesn't work. Be yourself, be real, allow her to be herself and be real ... see if you guys fit ... and can sync up this time. That's exciting and thrilling enough. Don't chase the fantasy of it all perfectly working out. Feel that feeling if you must, but don't believe it ... Worse comes to worst ... you met her again ... and maybe she's a friend. Who knows? Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted August 9, 2018 Share Posted August 9, 2018 Your prior break up may have been a timing issue -- she was too young & not ready. Go on a few dates now & see if she's settled down & matured. We're talking a few dates here. Don't show up with the old e-ring & expect to slip it back on her finger. You are both different people now then you were all those years ago; you might not be compatible any more. There is only one way to find out. N.B. This may look attractive to you as a comfort & familiarity from the past. It could very well be a rebound & you seeking to ease the pain of your pending divorce. Pay attention to the voices in your own head. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Flameless Posted August 9, 2018 Author Share Posted August 9, 2018 I feel kind of slighted in a way. I felt like back then she made me believe we wanted the same things, and I waited for a long time. Fast forward to know, she has a child. The what if are floating in my mind. I doubt if we were ever supposed to be. I love my estranged wife dearly and wonder if it's just too soon for me. I felt ready and excited when my ex messaged me. Maybe I just need to lower my expectations going forward. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted August 9, 2018 Share Posted August 9, 2018 You don't need to lower your expectations in general but probably need to lower them with respect to this ex FI Link to post Share on other sites
HiCrunchy Posted August 9, 2018 Share Posted August 9, 2018 (edited) Your prior break up may have been a timing issue -- she was too young & not ready. Go on a few dates now & see if she's settled down & matured. We're talking a few dates here. Don't show up with the old e-ring & expect to slip it back on her finger. You are both different people now then you were all those years ago; you might not be compatible any more. There is only one way to find out. I agree with this. Why not give it a shot OP. Plus, I'm sure I have both grown up and are more mature this time around. It's been so many years, I have to reason to believe it wont work out. I say give it a shot Edited August 11, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
Author Flameless Posted August 11, 2018 Author Share Posted August 11, 2018 I went out on another date tonight since I don't have my kids. It was fun, and there was some great conversation. So I'm going to give it a little time. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Flameless Posted August 30, 2018 Author Share Posted August 30, 2018 I ended it tonight. She cried and was totally blindsided. I felt bad but it was the right choice. Since my last update a few weeks ago, the feeling just wasn't there. I gave it an honest five months. I concluded that I can't picture a long-term relationship with her and I just want to remain single for now and focus on my kids. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted August 30, 2018 Share Posted August 30, 2018 You did what you had to do. Good for you for knowing yourself & not leading her on any more. Link to post Share on other sites
umarmalkh Posted August 30, 2018 Share Posted August 30, 2018 But truly speaking you test your fiance at the beginning your life so you knew you not compatible with her why would you force it to work at that late stage move on and get a better person in your life Link to post Share on other sites
Standard-Fare Posted August 30, 2018 Share Posted August 30, 2018 OP, I was never clear, from what you wrote, whether your reunion with the ex-fiancee was in person or just online/phone whatever. For some reason I was imagining the latter. You say you've already ended things, so I guess this is irrelevant, but I was going to encourage you to spend more time with her in person. I do hope you gave it that type of full, honest shot. I disagree with some of the others here who are saying "you two already had your chance, why revisit" simply because of the time gap here. It's been a long time, you both are different people now who have matured from your experiences. She got her youthful adventures in (and good for her, honestly) and she's now in a different phase of life now as a mother. But again, I guess that's irrelevant... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Flameless Posted August 31, 2018 Author Share Posted August 31, 2018 (edited) We originally reconnected over Facebook. After a week, we met for coffee as friends, and then we both decided to give it another go. She lived 40 miles away. We saw each other about once a week but only went on on actual dates may be a handful of times. I think another reason why I decided to give it an honest go in the first place was that I figured at the time we wanted different things, and now that we are both single, and parents, we shared common goals again. But turns out time really did change me. Edited August 31, 2018 by Flameless 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts