Author niteandfog Posted September 4, 2018 Author Share Posted September 4, 2018 What's so wrong about legitimising? I think there's a firm belief that we got together out of lust and it couldn't be any further from the truth. I think what we want to show is that we genuinely fell in love and that we think we're a better match for each other. Some people might see it (like my family and his family who we've both met) but the BS will take some time to see it that way. Again, I'm not saying the way we met / did things was ethical or that we didn't cause any harm, because we both did. But that shouldn't take away from society at large to recognise that maybe we're actually happier than we used to be. Link to post Share on other sites
BurnedAndLost Posted September 4, 2018 Share Posted September 4, 2018 (edited) What's so wrong about legitimising? I think there's a firm belief that we got together out of lust and it couldn't be any further from the truth. I think what we want to show is that we genuinely fell in love and that we think we're a better match for each other. Some people might see it (like my family and his family who we've both met) but the BS will take some time to see it that way. Again, I'm not saying the way we met / did things was ethical or that we didn't cause any harm, because we both did. But that shouldn't take away from society at large to recognise that maybe we're actually happier than we used to be. Only your happiness matters to you. Honestly I get the vibe that dealing with you is a nightmare. You are way too smug and condescending. I can't imagine you hiding this well in real life considering how much it projects through your posts. It's almost like you're gloating. Edited September 4, 2018 by BurnedAndLost Link to post Share on other sites
Artdeco Posted September 4, 2018 Share Posted September 4, 2018 Only your happiness matters to you. Honestly I get the vibe that dealing with you is a nightmare. You are way too smug and condescending. I can't imagine you hiding this well in real life considering how much it projects through your posts. It's almost like you're gloating. I don’t see it as gloating. It’s just that he she has to constantly defend herself against people who say on here that her relationship is not legitimate. That’s ridiculous. She’s been with this man for a while and they’re building a life together. And no matter how it started, these are the facts. No reason to see it any other way. Link to post Share on other sites
BurnedAndLost Posted September 4, 2018 Share Posted September 4, 2018 I don’t see it as gloating. It’s just that he she has to constantly defend herself against people who say on here that her relationship is not legitimate. That’s ridiculous. She’s been with this man for a while and they’re building a life together. And no matter how it started, these are the facts. No reason to see it any other way. Nobody here has said her relationship isn't real. She is defensive because she's insecure. Her posts drip with insecurity, especially towards the ex wife. That is what I mostly see people drag her for. That and her attitude and her inability to see what she has done to those around her. She very much has a ''everyone should get over it'' attitude when this happened a mere MONTHS ago ( not ''awhile'' ). I have not seen one lie in this thread. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BurnedAndLost Posted September 4, 2018 Share Posted September 4, 2018 By the way OP, this thing takes YEARS to heal. Stop trying to force everyone to move on like nothing happened. This is where all of your problems are coming from. Link to post Share on other sites
BTDT2012 Posted September 4, 2018 Share Posted September 4, 2018 For most people, you stop being the OW/OM when your partner is no longer legally bound to another party. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird Posted September 4, 2018 Share Posted September 4, 2018 What's so wrong about legitimising? I think there's a firm belief that we got together out of lust and it couldn't be any further from the truth. I think what we want to show is that we genuinely fell in love and that we think we're a better match for each other. Some people might see it (like my family and his family who we've both met) but the BS will take some time to see it that way. Again, I'm not saying the way we met / did things was ethical or that we didn't cause any harm, because we both did. But that shouldn't take away from society at large to recognise that maybe we're actually happier than we used to be. I'm not trying to give the impression that you are some sort of cruel, evil person, rubbing your hands with glee about what happened. I don't get that impression from you at all. Instead, you sound like someone who is excited about her relationship. The thing is that to many people ( not all, but many) the taint of how it began will remain. Link to post Share on other sites
Author niteandfog Posted September 6, 2018 Author Share Posted September 6, 2018 Well actually his kids asked to meet me last night . They for the first time listened to his side of the story and it's only upwards from here. I can't say how happy I am to finally see all things falling into place. A lot has happened in the past two weeks, but I know that he's not ashamed of me and feel very much accepted by his family. I dont feel like the OW anymore, i feel like we finally can leave the past behind and staty living a new life. Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted September 6, 2018 Share Posted September 6, 2018 I hope telling his kids his side of the story means that he took full responsibility for his bad behaviour. If telling them his side of the story means that he blamed their mother in any way for his poor choices then he has just damaged his children even more. Link to post Share on other sites
Author niteandfog Posted September 6, 2018 Author Share Posted September 6, 2018 I hope telling his kids his side of the story means that he took full responsibility for his bad behaviour. If telling them his side of the story means that he blamed their mother in any way for his poor choices then he has just damaged his children even more. I would assume that he told them that he stopped loving their mum some time ago and that he actually didn't know how to get out of it. That what we did was wrong (he's always admitted to it) but that ultimately that was not the reason why he's divorcing their mom. Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird Posted September 6, 2018 Share Posted September 6, 2018 I would assume that he told them that he stopped loving their mum some time ago and that he actually didn't know how to get out of it. That what we did was wrong (he's always admitted to it) but that ultimately that was not the reason why he's divorcing their mom. The way he handles himself now will great impact the emotional development of his children. I do hope he included lots of "I" statements when he spoke to his children and took responsibility for his actions. This "he told them that he stopped loving their mum some time ago and that he actually didn't know how to get out of it." doesn't do that. The affair didn't just happen, it was the result of a series of choice she made. That statement just excuses his behavior. Saying " I was unhappy with your mother and handled it badly. I am sorry I hurt both her and you" is all that's needed. No rationalizing, no justifying, no blaming his ex-wife, you, or anyone else for his choices. I know I sound like I am being a stickler (and probably worse:laugh:) but this could be an important moment for his kids. They can either learn that good people can sometimes make bad choices, but when they do, they accept responsibility, or they can learn that it's okay to pass the buck. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author niteandfog Posted September 6, 2018 Author Share Posted September 6, 2018 The way he handles himself now will great impact the emotional development of his children. I do hope he included lots of "I" statements when he spoke to his children and took responsibility for his actions. This "he told them that he stopped loving their mum some time ago and that he actually didn't know how to get out of it." doesn't do that. The affair didn't just happen, it was the result of a series of choice she made. That statement just excuses his behavior. Saying " I was unhappy with your mother and handled it badly. I am sorry I hurt both her and you" is all that's needed. No rationalizing, no justifying, no blaming his ex-wife, you, or anyone else for his choices. I know I sound like I am being a stickler (and probably worse:laugh:) but this could be an important moment for his kids. They can either learn that good people can sometimes make bad choices, but when they do, they accept responsibility, or they can learn that it's okay to pass the buck. I wouldn't know as it was a private conversation all I know is that whenever he's talked about it with them he's always admitted full responsibility and very much in the way you wrote it. When I met his family his sister in law started complaining about his exW and he actually put a stop to that, saying that what we did was wrong and she was hurt, so we really can't judge her on that score. To me that spoke volumes as it would have been probably easier to just have a go at his exW but he didn't Link to post Share on other sites
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