When do you stop being the OW/OM?

[BurnedAndLost]

I don't think you are even capable of understanding what you have done this women. Your attitude when speaking on his wife is smug and gross. I can only imagine what it must be like dealing with that in real life. If you and your man were thinking of anyone but yourselves you would have given everyone time to adjust. But instead you moved in with each other immediately and decide to move away from your families (30 minutes is a long time when children are involved) . And you expect everyone to just go along with it. His wife isn't so now you are projecting her as bitter and difficult.

 

I really hope you wake up.

[BaileyB]

What I have zero empathy for is for making her children hate their dad (which she has now openly admitted to).

 

People who live in glass houses...

 

Don't get me wrong, if that is what she is doing it is a truly terrible thing to do to children. Just a friendly warning, don't climb too high onto your high horse because the fall is going to hurt. What you have done is just as terrible to those children, if not much worse.

[niteandfog]

People who live in glass houses...

 

Don't get me wrong, if that is what she is doing it is a truly terrible thing to do to children. Just a friendly warning, don't climb too high onto your high horse because the fall is going to hurt. What you have done is just as terrible to those children, if not much worse.

 

 

She admitted to it a couple of days ago, Infront of their own children. Oddly enough that helped build a bridge between my boyfriend and his son. And htheur son is older but the daughter is younger than mine.

 

And no, he's never had an affair in the past... Is the wife who had an affair with her exboyfriend while my now boyfriend was looking after their son. She also had an affair with a married man when she was 16.

 

Call me nuts but when I was a kid, 30 mins was an extremely short distance but then again I was raised in one of the biggest cities in the world.

 

My dad was never present In factt my ex husband was never present either! I felt for the first 3-4 years like a single mom who also had to have a full time job... He's become a great dad but that has been a shockwave of me divorcing him

[niteandfog]

And I forgot to mention that we had every single intention to live separately and date like any normal couple would... But just never realized he didn't have entered money to get a place of his own until he had left. That's how we ended up living together as between us we can get somewhere decent to live, rather than a studio apartment in a sketchy part of town.

[BaileyB]

She admitted to it a couple of days ago, Infront of their own children. Oddly enough that helped build a bridge between my boyfriend and his son. And htheur son is older but the daughter is younger than mine.

 

And no, he's never had an affair in the past... Is the wife who had an affair with her exboyfriend while my now boyfriend was looking after their son. She also had an affair with a married man when she was 16.

 

Call me nuts but when I was a kid, 30 mins was an extremely short distance but then again I was raised in one of the biggest cities in the world.

 

My dad was never present In factt my ex husband was never present either! I felt for the first 3-4 years like a single mom who also had to have a full time job... He's become a great dad but that has been a shockwave of me divorcing him

 

Not to belabor the point, but these were your words from a previous post. Is that a spelling mistake - did he not cheat after they were married?

 

I know of what he had told me (and I know I see it through him but there is circumstantial evidence that points that at least some of it is true...) They were together because she got pregnant. And only married (many years later) because that’s what everybody wanted -but him-. He cheated when they had only been married for 15 months, I know that’s completely irrelevant because they had been together before that for 9-10 years.

[niteandfog]

Not to belabor the point, but these were your words from a previous post. Is that a spelling mistake - did he not cheat after they were married?

 

Yes , he cheated with me! They only got married a couple of years ago after being together for more than 8.

[BaileyB]

Yes , he cheated with me! They only got married a couple of years ago after being together for more than 8.

 

I understand.

[marky00]

Apart from the divorce side of things she has no influence in our relationship. I knew he had baggage when we started "dating".

 

Seriously, if this is the case. Why do you keep bringing up his ex wife? It just feels wrong why you keep bringing her into it. Saying all these things she is doing etc.

 

Divorces are a serious matter and hurt A LOT. All the crazy stuff that happens is NORMAL. Her life has been turned upside down enough... just leave her out of it ... is my advice.

 

Focus on yourself and possibly him if you wish. There is just no reason to bring her up. No point judging her or trying to find flaws because as I said she's amidst a crazy mess right now.

[BTDT2012]

But just never realized he didn't have entered money to get a place of his own until he had left.

 

 

Will the new place be in both names, or just yours?

[niteandfog]

Will the new place be in both names, or just yours?

 

It's joont. Everything is joint now (apart from bank accounts for obvious reasons).

[niteandfog]

Seriously, if this is the case. Why do you keep bringing up his ex wife? It just feels wrong why you keep bringing her into it. Saying all these things she is doing etc.

 

Divorces are a serious matter and hurt A LOT. All the crazy stuff that happens is NORMAL. Her life has been turned upside down enough... just leave her out of it ... is my advice.

 

Focus on yourself and possibly him if you wish. There is just no reason to bring her up. No point judging her or trying to find flaws because as I said she's amidst a crazy mess right now.

 

The only reason why I end up going that way is that she's always portrayed -in this forums- as this extremely inocent victim. She is for what WE did but not for what happened later. Or how we're both terrible parents,which I don't think we are, we're most definitely doing our best given the circumstances.

 

We're all flawed but what we did doesn't make us evil. In the end we're just a couple who is very much in love who unfortunately didn't meet in the best of circumstances, we made some.wrong decisions down the way and we're doing our best to heal the damage as much as we can.

[BurnedAndLost]

The only reason why I end up going that way is that she's always portrayed -in this forums- as this extremely inocent victim. She is for what WE did but not for what happened later. Or how we're both terrible parents,which I don't think we are, we're most definitely doing our best given the circumstances.

 

We're all flawed but what we did doesn't make us evil. In the end we're just a couple who is very much in love who unfortunately didn't meet in the best of circumstances, we made some.wrong decisions down the way and we're doing our best to heal the damage as much as we can.

You have zero right to judge her for anything. Period. How dare you after you ripped her life apart? Why some OW do this? You are judging her for her lack of decorum but what does this whole thing make you? What you two are doing Is MUCH worse for the kids. All I am hearing from you is justification. You haven't owned up to your part in all of this at all. Edited August 15, 2018 by BurnedAndLost

[pepperbird]

Ahm i appreciate all the replies, but I've never been afraid he'd leave me or stop loving me! He's demonstrated I'm his priority (even of that made his relationship with his son very strained).

 

He shows me every day he loves me, I've never felt so loved, and we've never had a fight.

 

He's been passive about the divorce because originally he hoped she would pay for it, and then because he didn't want to make his parenting relationship with her even worse, but he's agreed it's now time to talk about it.

 

.

 

 

This is incredibly troubling. Both his actions and that you feel they are something to be proud of or see as positive. It's as if you are crowing that he was willing to hurt his son to be with you, and he as willing to hurt him if t made you happy. Is that really the kind of guy you want in your life? Is a guy like this someone you can trust?

 

 

 

If an ow/om wants to see their future, all they need to do is look at how their mm/mw treats the other people in their life, including his/her children and spouse.

 

 

He could have waited some time to "come out" with your relationship. He could have made sure his son was on an event emotional keel, but his interests mattered more. It was more important to him that he do what he feels like because to him, his needs come first.

 

 

 

Quite honestly , if I was in a relationship and I knew it was hurting the man's child, it would make me feel ill to know he was willing to hurt them to be with me. It would give me a sneak peek "behind the curtain" into he he really is.

[pepperbird]

*Sandy* yes we're very aware of it, so we hope she finds someone else who she wants to marry before that time.

 

And yes the kids are BOTH their responsibility just like my daughter is with my ex. BUT unless it's something major we never call each other to help us parent when it's one of our days . I've never asked him to come because she won't eat her dinner.. I just deal with it. That's the life of being a divorced/separated parent which I get is not what she would have chosen and why she's struggling with it.

 

 

What you do makes no difference. It has absolutely no bearing on their relationship, and you are not a parent to these children, and you never, ever, ever will be. A step parent maybe, but nothing more.

[pepperbird]

She admitted to it a couple of days ago, Infront of their own children. Oddly enough that helped build a bridge between my boyfriend and his son. And htheur son is older but the daughter is younger than mine.

 

And no, he's never had an affair in the past... Is the wife who had an affair with her exboyfriend while my now boyfriend was looking after their son. She also had an affair with a married man when she was 16.

 

Call me nuts but when I was a kid, 30 mins was an extremely short distance but then again I was raised in one of the biggest cities in the world.

 

My dad was never present In factt my ex husband was never present either! I felt for the first 3-4 years like a single mom who also had to have a full time job... He's become a great dad but that has been a shockwave of me divorcing him

 

 

You've got some serious hate on for her. You get in these snide comments about her, but really don't seem to be thinking about what you are saying.You're more interested in trying to make her look bad.

 

 

 

You sound proud to trot out that "she was with married man when she was 16". In my book, that says far more about the mm than it does her. It also says a lot about you that you would bring that up ( or even know about it), seeing as you, a fully adult woman, chose to get involved with a married man.

Pot meet kettle.

[marky00]

The only reason why I end up going that way is that she's always portrayed -in this forums- as this extremely inocent victim. She is for what WE did but not for what happened later. Or how we're both terrible parents,which I don't think we are, we're most definitely doing our best given the circumstances.

 

We're all flawed but what we did doesn't make us evil. In the end we're just a couple who is very much in love who unfortunately didn't meet in the best of circumstances, we made some.wrong decisions down the way and we're doing our best to heal the damage as much as we can.

 

I'm totally confused. You don't even speak to her directly (for obvious reasons). Fact is your getting all this info from your boyfriend. Him and his ex are doing the post BU dance and both parties will say silly things to make them feel better or w/e. Since you haven't heard these things directly from her, I repeat my initial advice. Just leave her out of it, that's a very good way to minimise further damage.

 

I get your upset that people say she's totally innocent but I honestly haven't seen that though the majority of this thread. What people are suprised about but is why you keep mentioning her as if her actions somehow make yours more better or w/e. In 3 years time looking back, what she did or said won't matter at all. But what will matter are how you perceive your own actions.

[niteandfog]

Nope I've never have and maybe one day I will but obviously in the far future. I know I'll never be these kids mom, like he's never going to be my daughter's dad I do care for them in my own way.

 

If he hadn't been discovered in my house by his own carelessness we wouldn't have gone public that soon as simple as that... A lot of the events came from that day onwards. His son was manipulated to say what he said (which has been proven now). No I haven't heard it from her, but I've been shown the messages /heard the phone calls so I know what's going on. By some bizarre twist of fate it was made clear to their son he was being manipulated, so things are starting to clear up from that end.

 

He was filled with guilt the first month's so did everything she asked (apart from breaking up with me). I've done she things she's asked of me (like missing school stuff), so on my end I've done absolutely everything I can to not rub it on her face.

 

He's never wanted to be estranged from his kids, the ultimatum came from their mom via his son (now fully demonstrated) . I'm so happy that they can actually spend days out, or just take them to the park after school. Those kids never deserved to lose their father, which they never really did. One day, I hope they'll let me get to know them, but hopefully that will come with time.

[anika99]

All this stuff the BW has done to be manipulative is very vague. How exactly can you prove it? Did she actually say I'm manipulating the kids. That sounds highly unlikely. Manipulative people do not admit they are manipulative.

[Starswillshine]

All this stuff the BW has done to be manipulative is very vague. How exactly can you prove it? Did she actually say I'm manipulating the kids. That sounds highly unlikely. Manipulative people do not admit they are manipulative.

 

I'm going to assume the BW told the kids the truth of what OP and her WH has done.

 

I mean because they (general) will always use that against the BS, forgetting they were the ones to actually do it. "Trying to poison the kids against me." Ummm... if the kids are upset about what you have done, that is on you.

[anika99]

All this stuff the BW has done to be manipulative is very vague. How exactly can you prove it? Did she actually say I'm manipulating the kids. That sounds highly unlikely. Manipulative people do not admit they are manipulative.

 

Actually one might say that your MM is the manipulative one by forcing this situation onto his son too soon and then making him choose who he is going to be loyal to. Its perfectly understandable that the BW does not want you in her children's lives right now. Did you know that parents can even stipulate in the custody arrangement that their exspouse is not to introduce the kids to a new partner until a certain time has passed? That is even without an affair. You and your mm have pushed this BW too fast to accept too much and now you sit in righteous judgement while expecting her son to choose his father while dealing with his distraught mother. Who is manipulating who?

[BurnedAndLost]

All this stuff the BW has done to be manipulative is very vague. How exactly can you prove it? Did she actually say I'm manipulating the kids. That sounds highly unlikely. Manipulative people do not admit they are manipulative.

 

Actually one might say that your MM is the manipulative one by forcing this situation onto his son too soon and then making him choose who he is going to be loyal to. Its perfectly understandable that the BW does not want you in her children's lives right now. Did you know that parents can even stipulate in the custody arrangement that their exspouse is not to introduce the kids to a new partner until a certain time has passed? That is even without an affair. You and your mm have pushed this BW too fast to accept too much and now you sit in righteous judgement while expecting her son to choose his father while dealing with his distraught mother. Who is manipulating who?

well said.

[BaileyB]

Did you know that parents can even stipulate in the custody arrangement that their exspouse is not to introduce the kids to a new partner until a certain time has passed?

 

You and your mm have pushed this BW too fast to accept too much and now you sit in righteous judgement while expecting her son to choose his father while dealing with his distraught mother. Who is manipulating who?

 

I have a friend who’s father had an affair, while her mother was suffering from a serious illness. My friend was a grown adult, but she was so disgusted by her father’s actions... She refused to let her in her home or see her children. She insisted that if her father wanted to see his grandchildren, he could not see them if he was with his OW. It’s not obviously a great reaction, but she felt so betrayed... It’s been 15 years, and her position has not changed.

Edited August 15, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language

[niteandfog]

All this stuff the BW has done to be manipulative is very vague. How exactly can you prove it? Did she actually say I'm manipulating the kids. That sounds highly unlikely. Manipulative people do not admit they are manipulative.

 

Actually one might say that your MM is the manipulative one by forcing this situation onto his son too soon and then making him choose who he is going to be loyal to. Its perfectly understandable that the BW does not want you in her children's lives right now. Did you know that parents can even stipulate in the custody arrangement that their exspouse is not to introduce the kids to a new partner until a certain time has passed? That is even without an affair. You and your mm have pushed this BW too fast to accept too much and now you sit in righteous judgement while expecting her son to choose his father while dealing with his distraught mother. Who is manipulating who?

 

She actually did say it one week ago. She said she's tried hard to make them hate him but hasn't been able to. She also admitted that she never let their son speak for himself just tell what to ask of his dad.

 

We've never pushed for the children to meet me, unfortunately they know who I am as their mom showed them photos of me earlier on. Ive never asked to meet them he's never asked I should.meet them.

 

He's never asked his son he has to talk about what has happened.

 

Here in the UK she can't stop the kids from meeting me. But we've never forced as that what she wants.

[somanymistakes]

You can't stop kids from meeting new partners in the US either. You can try to get it written into custody agreements as a 'morality clause' but it's a silly idea that always either immediately backfires (the clause is negated if you remarry, so people get married the second they're divorced, which is not helping the kids adjust any) or is just ignored - and the courts do nothing because they have more important things to deal with.

 

It's basically wishful thinking.

[pepperbird]

She actually did say it one week ago. She said she's tried hard to make them hate him but hasn't been able to. She also admitted that she never let their son speak for himself just tell what to ask of his dad.

 

We've never pushed for the children to meet me, unfortunately they know who I am as their mom showed them photos of me earlier on. Ive never asked to meet them he's never asked I should.meet them.

 

He's never asked his son he has to talk about what has happened.

 

Here in the UK she can't stop the kids from meeting me. But we've never forced as that what she wants.

 

 

You're digging a hole trying to justify his/your behvaior.

 

 

All you two had to do to keep the affair under wraps, at least from his kids, would have been to have your mm couch surf with a friend for a while while the dust settles. Unless he is friendless and has no family, this could have been an easy fix, but he chose otherwise. He was just that selfish.

 

 

I know you love the guy, but all these excuses are just that, excuses.