Texting / Chatting wth Other Women

[Otter2569]

Is it wrong to text or chat with members of the opposite sex while in a relationship? In my case its mostly ExGFs who ive remained friends with.

 

Admittedly the communication in my relationship while NOT together is what I consider weak and robotic. You know: "good morning", "how is your day", "Hope you have a good night". The times I feel the need to share more or my attempts to change this boring tone often fall flat: slow response time or blah response so ive quit trying.

 

Meanwhile I have real, funny, light hearted conversations going with other women.

[brigit87]

Time to break up with your girlfriend. Sounds like you're on a road to cheatersville.

Edited August 9, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Redact quote of starting post

[d0nnivain]

It's not wrong to talk to opposite sex friends while in a relationship. It is a slippery slope when those people are EXs. However in your case when the communication is better with the others then your GF, the romance has real problems. Address those & fix them or get out. An occasional chat with others is fine; when those are more significant than your interactions with your SO, as is the situation you describe here, it's not good at all.

[Otter2569]

Ex's are Ex's for a reason IMO.

 

This communication part of our relationship has always been lacking. We both have homes, teenage kids, jobs and family obligations plus her ex is not in the picture so she has her kid full time where I have mine 50% - she has more on her plate than I do. I also consider myself lucky that shes not a woman than needs to talk 24/7.

 

Recent issues at work and home got me more empathy from "other women" than from GF and that bothers me. I am low maintenance but when things happen you notice who is there for you and who is not.

 

Exs are not really "there for me" I know that but they listened with empathy and helped me through a rough patch where GF really was just there. In fairness GF is dealing with teenage kid problems but I feel pretty neglected when I needed someone.

[d0nnivain]

Just because you understand why she was neglecting you -- in favor of her kids which was probably the right thing for her to do (Not neglect you but to prioritize kids) doesn't mean that you turning to an EX was the best move. My EXs are good people & most offered condolences when my parents passed but that doesn't mean DH wasn't my primary source of support. Right your relation-SHIP & carry on. Pun intended.

[rovers14]

Nobody likes being in a relationship with someone that's still talking to their ex. Even if it's entirely innocent and it stays that way, it will still cause suspicion or raise questions that will lead to a lack of trust. Why still talk to your ex anyway? What are you holding on to? Friendship? That's what your significant other is supposed to be, your best friend. On the other hand...what are THEY still holding on to? Why are they listening to your sob (no offense intended) stories? It sounds to me like they might still have feelings for you. You're traveling a rocky road, my friend.

[Gaeta]

Is it wrong to text or chat with members of the opposite sex while in a relationship? In my case its mostly ExGFs who ive remained friends with.

 

Admittedly the communication in my relationship while NOT together is what I consider weak and robotic. You know: "good morning", "how is your day", "Hope you have a good night". The times I feel the need to share more or my attempts to change this boring tone often fall flat: slow response time or blah response so ive quit trying.

 

Meanwhile I have real, funny, light hearted conversations going with other women.

 

 

Then make it NOT weak and robotic with your gf! All that energy you put in having fun with your exs over text just put it into having real, funny, light hearted conversations with your girlfriend. Your objective is to build a connection with your girlfriend, not your exs.

 

 

 

I don't chat with exs, I have a male friend we speaks a few minutes per day, I don't have time for entire conversations over text. If my boyfriend spent his day having light hearted conversations with females over text...he wouldn't be my BF.

[carhill]

Do it in front of your GF and the result will be your answer. The ex'es, if friends, should be friends of your relationship too. Does your GF text/chat with past spouses/partners/other males, etc? How does that go? How do things go when out socializing, both with each other and with others?

 

Something that worked for me was the line 'I feel abandoned', shared in MC. Then I listened. Now I'm happily divorced many years.

[Otter2569]

It still does not make it right but the majority of these women had contacted me and we do not chit chat all day or even every day. Also kid / family needs should always come first so I totally get that.

 

While the two of us were together I confided about the work challenges / career stress that I was struggling with. She listened for about 2 minutes then talked for 30 about her job and co workers. I rarely need or ask for much but I needed something in this case. Was tempted to tell her I get more support from "others" but I am sure I would have ended up on the side of the highway.

 

Again, its not right and I need to stop it. I should also call out GF when these things happen instead of keeping it in and dwelling on it.

[Mr. Lucky]

Exs are not really "there for me" I know that but they listened with empathy and helped me through a rough patch where GF really was just there. In fairness GF is dealing with teenage kid problems but I feel pretty neglected when I needed someone.

 

While the two of us were together I confided about the work challenges / career stress that I was struggling with. She listened for about 2 minutes then talked for 30 about her job and co workers. I rarely need or ask for much but I needed something in this case. Was tempted to tell her I get more support from "others" but I am sure I would have ended up on the side of the highway.

 

Pretty obvious you're communicating with other women to fill a deficit in your relationship. Wouldn't that energy be better spent addressing the problem that exists with your partner?

 

Mr. Lucky

[Otter2569]

Pretty obvious you're communicating with other women to fill a deficit in your relationship. Wouldn't that energy be better spent addressing the problem that exists with your partner?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

It clearly would. How would you suggest getting over this hurdle?

[Malin889]

If the conversation is lacking, I mean, doesn't that say it all? When you have nothing left to say...

[Otter2569]

Tonight was a classic: we actually have some decent texting throughout the day. Early in the evening she tells me that she is at her daughters dr appt and is in the waiting room. I ask how things are going. Then....nothing for 2.5 hours.

 

It's as if she makes conversation then lets it drop. So annoying!

[Mr. Lucky]

How would you suggest getting over this hurdle?

 

You might have to lower your expectations - and count your blessings in other areas - when it comes to this. Some people just don't do the "tethered by text" thing well, that particular multitask skill eludes them.

 

When it comes to actively listening in person, I'd clearly set expectations. And if she zones out, I'd gently remind her. I'd also make it a point to focus on the other qualities she has that are more attractive to you...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Otter2569]

You might have to lower your expectations - and count your blessings in other areas - when it comes to this. Some people just don't do the "tethered by text" thing well, that particular multitask skill eludes them.

 

When it comes to actively listening in person, I'd clearly set expectations. And if she zones out, I'd gently remind her. I'd also make it a point to focus on the other qualities she has that are more attractive to you...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Solid advise. I tend to treat people the way they treat me so if i'm feeling pissy I send my hum drum text and do not reply back timely, as she does to me, but that's really just game playing and certainly not helping the situation.

 

There are a lot of good qualities for sure and I am thankful she doesn't need to talk or chat 24/7 like some do.

 

I do want to mention how her texts often leave me hanging. IMO that's just rude.

[Otter2569]

….How do things go when out socializing, both with each other and with others?

 

Sorry I missed this earlier. Two recent outings with her family and friends left me feeling ignored / abandoned. She spent a lot time talking with everyone else and left me to fend for myself for large blocks of time.

 

This probably makes me sounds needy but I am very social and capable of entertaining myself however I hardly know these people. Bottom line: you know when you are uncomfortable and feel a certain way. Of course I cant say anything at the time without looking like a dick so I just smiled, looked around, had a few drinks and tried to look engaged.

 

We did talk about this afterwards. I made it clear how I felt.

[guest569]

Had you told her how you felt about this before? Ie passive listener or ignores your problems to talk about her own, not texting much etc. She might not realise there is a problem.

[d0nnivain]

I do want to mention how her texts often leave me hanging. IMO that's just rude.

 

I don't agree with you that it's rude, more like annoying & yet another problem with text as a form of communication.

 

Do speak with her about this specific issue & tell her that you would like a closure statement if she's going to stop texting for a while. That way you are not "left hanging".

[Gaeta]

1. but I feel pretty neglected when I needed someone

 

2. She listened for about 2 minutes then talked for 30 about her job and co workers.

 

3. I ask how things are going. Then....nothing for 2.5 hours.

 

4. her texts often leave me hanging. IMO that's just rude.

 

5. Two recent outings with her family and friends left me feeling ignored / abandoned

Why do you date this woman at all? A romantic relationship is about enhancing each other's life, I don't see how she brings anything positive in your life. She sounds rude and nonchalant toward you. Having kids and teens isn't an excuse or a justification for being rude and uncaring.

 

 

 

How long have you been dating?

How often do you see each other?

[Otter2569]

Had you told her how you felt about this before? Ie passive listener or ignores your problems to talk about her own, not texting much etc. She might not realise there is a problem.

 

Honestly I tend to think this is more the situation. I also tend to give about 5 second chances before I realize I am an idiot LOL

 

We have talked about some of my concerns: I had lightly mentioned the texting a while back (more sarcasm really) and just recently addressed feeling ignored. I did not mention the part about ignoring my problem - I was certainly going to but shortly after my boss put the changes and decisions in perspective for me. When I shared this update with her it was much more of a conversation.

 

Aside from the texting, all has happened in the last 3-4 weeks.

Edited August 10, 2018 by Otter2569

[Els]

Tonight was a classic: we actually have some decent texting throughout the day. Early in the evening she tells me that she is at her daughters dr appt and is in the waiting room. I ask how things are going. Then....nothing for 2.5 hours.

 

It's as if she makes conversation then lets it drop. So annoying!

 

 

Ummm... 2.5 hours is nothing in texts between adults IMO, especially if you are going to be meeting up again very soon. I can't imagine that anyone with a full-time job and adult obligations is able to consistently text back within less than 2.5 hours ALL the time.

 

 

That being said, it does sound like there are bigger issues in your relationship than that. Perhaps both of you aren't really compatible? How long have you been together? What do you like about her?

[Gretchen12]

I would say it is wrong, if you cannot let her read what you wrote in this thread.

 

If I found out my bf would prefer to talk to his ex's I would dump him. I don't mind if he talks to them, but I mind if he chooses to talk to them instead of me.

[Otter2569]

...Why do you date this woman at all? A romantic relationship is about enhancing each other's life, I don't see how she brings anything positive in your life. She sounds rude and nonchalant toward you. Having kids and teens isn't an excuse or a justification for being rude and uncaring.

 

How long have you been dating?

How often do you see each other?

 

Completely agree with you on being rude & uncaring. Its a pet peeve with me: I do not enjoy receiving it nor do I treat others that way. If I feel I am being mistreated I shut my **** down and look really hard at what's happening.

 

We have been together 2.5 years and see each other 4+ days a week (that is overnight stays).

 

There is a lot of positive in this relationship however mistreatment does a lot of damage to me and I am quick to pull back and even walk away. I also am very understanding. I try to see all sides of a situation: she's got a lot going on at work, issues w her daughter, issues with her family. Still no excuse but stress factors non the less.

[Otter2569]

Ummm... 2.5 hours is nothing in texts between adults IMO, especially if you are going to be meeting up again very soon. I can't imagine that anyone with a full-time job and adult obligations is able to consistently text back within less than 2.5 hours ALL the time.

 

I totally get that. There is a history of her initiating conversation then, what I consider, no follow through.

 

When you tell me you are in the waiting room. I ask how things are going. Then nothing for 2.5 hours. Even then she didn't address the question or the situation. Or she'll ask "how was your day?". I respond and ask about hers....nothing.

 

Maybe I am a jerk but you habitually engage me in conversation then drop off with no warning or explanation, I am not going to be that happy to chat with you.

[carhill]

One sign of unhealthiness is when ex'es, or friends, are more responsive and contemporaneous than one's partner/spouse.

 

After dealing with this stuff when married, now I ask for what I want without accusation or comparison and, if no joy, next. No value in sinking more pipe down a dry hole. Healthier to be alone. However, watch out for the social hackers who feed just enough to keep one in the game. Those people are pros. Classic hoovers. They'll suck one's love bank dry and leave one's corpse in the desert of the forgotten in a heartbeat.