How can i forgive myself after being in an abusive relationship?

[Andre_1609]

I was in an abusive relationship for almost 2 years. Now i know that it was extremely unhealthy but I can't get over the fact that I let him abused me for so long and I didn't stand for myself.

I let him control my phone and social media, I let him tell me who to talk to, I didn't leave when he started verbally abusing me and other similar things. He was like a bully.

I don't know why i endured that abuse and I am doing therapy but i still feel like is not enough.

 

I feel ashamed and confused.

[MountainGirl111]

Please don't blame yourself...and you've done nothing to be ashamed of. But so many blame themselves for things that are not their fault. Abusive relationships are more difficult to get out of than we realize.

[Normm]

Be proud of yourself for realizing it and extricating yourself from the situation. Some people never do.

[Arieswoman]

Andre1609,

Well done for leaving the relationship and getting into therapy.

 

 

Now you are on the way to learning how to make better choices and how to value yourself.

 

 

Talk to your therapist about what you have mentioned here - they can help you.

 

 

Good luck

[stillafool]

I was in an abusive relationship for almost 2 years. Now i know that it was extremely unhealthy but I can't get over the fact that I let him abused me for so long and I didn't stand for myself.

I let him control my phone and social media, I let him tell me who to talk to, I didn't leave when he started verbally abusing me and other similar things. He was like a bully.

I don't know why i endured that abuse and I am doing therapy but i still feel like is not enough.

 

I feel ashamed and confused.

 

Stop blaming yourself. Now you know better, you know how to protect yourself and stand up for yourself. So you won't let that happen again, will you?

[anika99]

I was in an abusive relationship for almost 2 years. Now i know that it was extremely unhealthy but I can't get over the fact that I let him abused me for so long and I didn't stand for myself.

I let him control my phone and social media, I let him tell me who to talk to, I didn't leave when he started verbally abusing me and other similar things. He was like a bully.

I don't know why i endured that abuse and I am doing therapy but i still feel like is not enough.

 

I feel ashamed and confused.

 

I totally understand what you are feeling. I too spent several years with a abusive controlling man. At first he was the most wonderful guy ever but then things began to change ever slowly. Of course I would have walked away immediately if he had been abusive and controlling right out of the gate but the abuse crept in so slowly and in such small increments that I didn't recognize it as abusive.

 

He'd get mildly upset over something that seemed silly to me but then I would think that he's such a great guy and he's been so amazingly loving and generous to me so I should not dismiss his feelings. He does so much to make me happy so I should be mindful of what makes him happy. That's how it started. Just a little incident here and there. Ever so slowly the incidents became more frequent and involved more anger. Each time I conceded he gained slightly more power and I lost a little power. As I became weaker I became easier to control and abuse. My self esteem plummeted and that made me less likely to leave.

 

That is the pattern of abuse and it's how so many people get trapped in it. It's an insidious evil snake that sneaks in the back door and slowly takes over. I understand your anger at yourself because I felt it too. My relationship ended many years ago but even now I can get mad at myself when I remember what I allowed myself to put up with. I'm most angry that I sometimes rejected friends and family for the sake of keeping this insecure sad little man happy. It makes me almost furious at myself that I picked him over good people who deserved better from me.

 

But I have learned from it and I know I won't ever let it happen again. I can't go back and change what happened, I can't get that time back, so I have to forgive myself and look forward not backwards. I agree with the other posters that instead of beating yourself up you should feel proud that you had the courage to leave. When it came down to the wire you knew what you had to do and you did it even though it was hard. The residual feelings of anger and shame will take time to process and subside but each day gets better.

[bringit]

in a very similar situation Andre. Glad you are seeking help. Counseling is helping me too. As well as the book Why Does He Do That? but it is painful to learn that someone wanted to hurt me. And as you said why didn't I leave sooner. Some days I feel my strength coming back. Some days are easier than others.

you are not alone!

[dream of me]

It doesn't matter when you left... You left when you found the strength and that's what matters.

[Orokotikki]

See how proud all these people are of you?

You should be proud as well!

 

You were once victim, but now you are Survivor.

Survivors grow stronger from their hardship.

They grow smarter to outwit the vile and craven predators of this world.

 

When you became victim, it was confusing and painful, and it may still be.

You will still mourn what was lost and taken from you, that is ok.

People do not change in an instant as their title change.

 

If yesterday I was cashier, but today I am manager - do I know and act as all manager do? Of course not, I must grow, train, and learn to be a manager.

 

Tell yourself today (OUT LOUD): "I am a Survivor, I will grow stronger and wiser each day!"

 

Do this everyday!

Yesterday you endured, today you mourn, but soon - thrive!

 

A hallmark of strength, is the wisdom and humility to ask for help, seeking counseling so you can make the most of this painful lesson in your life and heal your wounds.

How good that you see the wisdom in this!

 

There will be scars, but they are marks of beauty and honor, to those who recognize the strength they represent.

 

Be proud of yourself, as all here are.

[vla1120]

I am glad you put yourself FIRST! You should be proud of yourself and love yourself. I, too, am recovering from 4 years of controlling abuse. I also get angry with myself for staying for four years and almost completely losing myself in the situation. Even now, I am still talking to my therapist to navigate this newfound freedom that can, at times, be confusing and lonely. Hang in there. Take this time to learn about yourself (as I am trying to do.) Get back to doing the things you enjoyed before you met him. Be good to yourself and be PROUD of yourself. You are an inspiration to others who might read your thread while they are in a similar situation, feeling like they have no escape. Go, you!!