SadPuppy76 Posted August 10, 2018 Share Posted August 10, 2018 So my wife and I have been married for 16 years with two children ages 7 and 5. A couple months ago she came to me in tears and said she just wanted to be roommates to raise our children. She said she couldn’t give me the affection I was looking for and wanted me to be happy even if that meant me leaving her. She said she wasn’t planning to go anywhere and wasn’t looking for divorce if I didn’t want it. I told her I didn’t want to and we could try it and see what happens, hoping she would change her mind. I found out a week later that she had been talking to another guy from a rec league she plays in, but there was no evidence of anything physical. She insisted she wouldn’t do that to me and she just liked flirting with him online and the attention he was giving her. I broke down and enrolled myself in IC. She agreed that she would go to MC but probably only to say we tried everything so I’m hesitant to use that one now. I have improved myself and our marriage immensely in the past two months by losing weight and improving my attitude. She has recognized this and frequently compliments me about it. Our friendship has improved but our sex life has been dead since April. I asked her about it last night and she said she has no desire for anyone right now and will take care of herself when needed. I love my wife and my family and want this to work out. I’m trying to bring her back into the marriage by letting her choose to come back. I’m afraid she’s still talking to the other guy but I’m giving her space and not questioning her right now. I know the prospects for this sort of thing aren’t promising but I’m holding out hope. Does anyone have any good advice for me other than to prepare for the worst? Thanks in advance! Link to post Share on other sites
Normm Posted August 10, 2018 Share Posted August 10, 2018 The general strategy when an affair is suspected is to actively seek to find proof and then blow up the affair in the hopes it will bring the cheater back down from their "affair high"; and back to reality. Don't know how well it works but it's better than your current strategy which is to sit and wait for her to decide what she wants. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SadPuppy76 Posted August 10, 2018 Author Share Posted August 10, 2018 The general strategy when an affair is suspected is to actively seek to find proof and then blow up the affair in the hopes it will bring the cheater back down from their "affair high"; and back to reality. Don't know how well it works but it's better than your current strategy which is to sit and wait for her to decide what she wants. I was able to do this by confronting her with the text messages. Of course she said they were just friends denied anything physical. She talks all the time like we will still be together in 6 months and is making plans accordingly. It’s all very confusing to me. Link to post Share on other sites
Normm Posted August 10, 2018 Share Posted August 10, 2018 I was able to do this by confronting her with the text messages. Of course she said they were just friends denied anything physical. You accomplished nothing by confronting her with the text messages. As you said, she simply denied. All you did was driver any possible affair underground. It's a classic mistake, but going forward you can be more careful. Don't confront her, don't ask her about anything. There are many ways to get the necessary information including keyloggers on computer and gaining access to her social media and email accounts, check the phone bills for unusual activity to one or two particular numbers, GPS on her car to see where she goes, voice activated recorders in her room and her car, even getting a private investigator. She talks all the time like we will still be together in 6 months and is making plans accordingly. It’s all very confusing to me. They play soft music in the slaughterhouse to relax the animals before they butcher them. I think it's because there are less stress hormones produced so the meat tastes better. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SadPuppy76 Posted August 10, 2018 Author Share Posted August 10, 2018 You accomplished nothing by confronting her with the text messages. As you said, she simply denied. All you did was driver any possible affair underground. It's a classic mistake, but going forward you can be more careful. Don't confront her, don't ask her about anything. There are many ways to get the necessary information including keyloggers on computer and gaining access to her social media and email accounts, check the phone bills for unusual activity to one or two particular numbers, GPS on her car to see where she goes, voice activated recorders in her room and her car, even getting a private investigator. She has her social media locked down and does almost everything on her cell phone. She is also the account manager on our cell bill so that’s a dead end. I don’t really need to gps her as I know where she is 95% of the time. It’s the voice recording I’ve been considering. So I do agree with your ideas in principle. They play soft music in the slaughterhouse to relax the animals before they butcher them. I think it's because there are less stress hormones produced so the meat tastes better. Sad but this made me chuckle. You may be on to something here. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted August 10, 2018 Share Posted August 10, 2018 I love my wife and my family and want this to work out. I’m trying to bring her back into the marriage by letting her choose to come back. I’m afraid she’s still talking to the other guy but I’m giving her space and not questioning her right now. All you're doing is giving her a stress-free platform from which she can continue to explore and develop this other relationship. And at what cost to her? Nothing - she's got you to cover the expenses, provide childcare and even companionship, for those lonely nights when she's missing him. And you'd be amazed what consenting adults can accomplish in the 5% of her time where you don't know where she is. Is this what you signed up for? Is this all you deserve? Normm is right, you've got to blow up the status quo if you want change. Have you told friends and family what's going on? Have you spoken to a lawyer? Why haven't you demanded she go NC with him and start MC? You're being "nice". And in this regard, we all know where nice guys finish... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted August 10, 2018 Share Posted August 10, 2018 Time after time this same story pops up with a different username. It is almost always the same. Your wife is neck deep with this other dude, and it started around the time your sex stopped. Many women cant really do the sex with two men thing, so since her attention and focus is on him, he gets the sec and you get all the crap. Question is what are you going to do? Link to post Share on other sites
Author SadPuppy76 Posted August 10, 2018 Author Share Posted August 10, 2018 All you're doing is giving her a stress-free platform from which she can continue to explore and develop this other relationship. And at what cost to her? Nothing - she's got you to cover the expenses, provide childcare and even companionship, for those lonely nights when she's missing him. And you'd be amazed what consenting adults can accomplish in the 5% of her time where you don't know where she is. Is this what you signed up for? Is this all you deserve? Normm is right, you've got to blow up the status quo if you want change. Have you told friends and family what's going on? Have you spoken to a lawyer? Why haven't you demanded she go NC with him and start MC? You're being "nice". And in this regard, we all know where nice guys finish... Mr. Lucky I agree with you. To answer your question I did demand that she go N.C. with him but she still plays rec league and has money in that. I’m not going to make her give that up. I don’t really have any hard evidence that she is still talking to him as I don’t have access to her FB, which was where they were chatting. You are right that I am a nice guy and that has gotten me into trouble. I have notified friends and family about this and they are pissed at her for what she’s giving up. Her father died suddenly about a year and a half ago and she has been different ever since. People I have talked to think she is having an extreme reaction to the grief and it is manifesting in our marriage. I am in the process of trying to help her get help in this area. I am going to work on getting us into MC as well since I’m already in IC. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted August 10, 2018 Share Posted August 10, 2018 Go to the MC. You are getting trickle truth here. There is probably way more to the interaction with the rec league guy then you are being told. This roommate idea of hers is ridiculous. Neither of you will ever move on that way & what message does it send your kids? Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted August 10, 2018 Share Posted August 10, 2018 (edited) The roommate idea is absolutely ridiculous... That is the idea of a woman who really wants to have her cake and eat it too! If it was my partner, she would have two choices - end all communications with this other man, recommit to the marriage, and attend marriage counselling. Or, I'm filing for divorce. Living as roommates would not be an option. I have no interest in financing and supporting her to maintain a comfortable lifestyle while she is out, pursing relationships with other men... Edited August 10, 2018 by BaileyB 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Striver Posted August 10, 2018 Share Posted August 10, 2018 I agree with you. To answer your question I did demand that she go N.C. with him but she still plays rec league and has money in that. I’m not going to make her give that up. I don’t really have any hard evidence that she is still talking to him as I don’t have access to her FB, which was where they were chatting. You are right that I am a nice guy and that has gotten me into trouble. I have notified friends and family about this and they are pissed at her for what she’s giving up. Her father died suddenly about a year and a half ago and she has been different ever since. People I have talked to think she is having an extreme reaction to the grief and it is manifesting in our marriage. I am in the process of trying to help her get help in this area. I am going to work on getting us into MC as well since I’m already in IC. Why do you care about some piddling amount that she has in some rec league? You are in denial, in a fog. Wake up. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SadPuppy76 Posted August 10, 2018 Author Share Posted August 10, 2018 The roommate idea is absolutely ridiculous... That is the idea of a woman who really wants to have her cake and eat it too! If it was my partner, she would have two choices - end all communications with this other man, recommit to the marriage, and attend marriage counselling. Or, I'm filing for divorce. Living as roommates would not be an option. I have no interest in financing and supporting her to maintain a comfortable lifestyle while she is out, pursing relationships with other men... You are completely on point here and I believe this is what I will do. Just to be clear my wife is in a better paying field than me and makes almost twice as much money. If we get divorced she will most likely be paying me. If she is using me for anything it’s to be with our kids while she is out having fun in her rec league. I need to get this sorted fast. I appreciate the advice! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
notbroken Posted August 10, 2018 Share Posted August 10, 2018 Make no mistake about it, your wife is having an affair. Full blown. Yes, that may be hard to hear but she has followed the script exactly. Doing nothing will just prolong the inevitable. You'll roll around in the pain that much longer. "Fix it or break it". Tell her you think she is having an affair, but it doesn't really matter if she is not - you still won't play second fiddle to anyone or anything. You don't want a roommate. You can find one of those. You also aren't going to put up with a loveless and/or sexless marriage. Period. Give her 24 hours to decide to commit to you or she has blown up your marriage and family and you will have to act accordingly. That is on her. Then you have to follow through. No hollow threats. Just the truth. Doing nothing, being nice, etc is just causing her to lose even more respect for you (she doesn't respect you - I'm sorry). Yes this is harsh. Harsh times require harsh actions. Don't beg her. Don't play the 'pick me' game. Just don't. You are on the right path with your self improvement. Continue on that regardless. Best wishes. Link to post Share on other sites
Normm Posted August 10, 2018 Share Posted August 10, 2018 I don’t have access to her FB, which was where they were chatting. Get access. Either demand it- or better yet gain access to it via a key logger or phone software that will get you her logins. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted August 10, 2018 Share Posted August 10, 2018 To answer your question I did demand that she go N.C. with him but she still plays rec league and has money in that. I’m not going to make her give that up. I don’t really have any hard evidence that she is still talking to him as I don’t have access to her FB, which was where they were chatting. Your right SadPuppy76, her "rec league" investment is much more important than the future of your marriage and family. And a nice guy would never demand access to the social media she was using to conduct the affair. How come I'm madder than you are? Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
standtall Posted August 13, 2018 Share Posted August 13, 2018 Dude..you are being a complete doormat for her. Women do not love men they do not respect....do you think she respects you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author SadPuppy76 Posted August 14, 2018 Author Share Posted August 14, 2018 Your right SadPuppy76, her "rec league" investment is much more important than the future of your marriage and family. And a nice guy would never demand access to the social media she was using to conduct the affair. How come I'm madder than you are? Mr. Lucky So here’s the thing. You are right about this except for the madder than me part. I am extremely angry, but am trying to navigate this intelligently even if none of it makes sense to me. Would it be better to make ultimatums or threaten to leave? Hell ya it would be. Would it hurt at first and then get better? Yep. Would I land on my feet? Absolutely. I am simply trying all other angles before pulling that plug. I am convinced my wife is having a mid life crisis and am trying to be patient. However I am no longer (and have not for over a month) begging her to come back. This is where I messed up at the beginning and admit that I was in denial. Could I find a way to snoop on her and get all the info I need? Sure I could. What I’m doing is giving her every chance to come to her senses before I bail. I know myself and when I’m done, I’m done for good. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted August 14, 2018 Share Posted August 14, 2018 Could I find a way to snoop on her and get all the info I need? Sure I could. The only way you can deal with someone intent on manipulating and deceiving you is by leveling the playing field. So while I certainly agree you need to make carefully considered decisions, I can tell you from experience informed decisions are the most effective kind. In your case, knowledge is definitely power. You're still trying to guess at what the problem really is, not a good position to be in... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Author SadPuppy76 Posted August 14, 2018 Author Share Posted August 14, 2018 Dude..you are being a complete doormat for her. Women do not love men they do not respect....do you think she respects you? I honestly think she may have actually felt validated by what I did after I discovered her cheating. I asked her to come back into the marriage and checked myself into counseling. I thought that if I fixed the behaviors that she didn’t like in me she would come back. I appear to have been wrong. I made the mistake of making it about me instead of her and she used that to her advantage. To her credit, her immediate reaction was very telling. She gained 15 lbs in the first month after I blew up her relationship and was stressed to the max. She has been talking a lot about working off the weight but is not really taking any serious steps to do so. I think she is depressed and confused now. I am tempted to give her one last chance to fix this. Tell her that I will forgive her if she goes to counseling and comes back into the marriage. If not, then she will stop having her cake and eating it too. To answer your original question, I think she appreciates me right now and likes the comfort I give her, but doesn’t respect me as a man. She sure as hell doesn’t feel threatened by me at the moment. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SadPuppy76 Posted August 14, 2018 Author Share Posted August 14, 2018 The only way you can deal with someone intent on manipulating and deceiving you is by leveling the playing field. So while I certainly agree you need to make carefully considered decisions, I can tell you from experience informed decisions are the most effective kind. In your case, knowledge is definitely power. You're still trying to guess at what the problem really is, not a good position to be in... Mr. Lucky One problem I’ve been having getting info is technology is making it increasingly difficult to track things. For example, logging in to any of her accounts would only notify her that someone is logging on from another location and prompt her to change her password, which is exactly what happened this past Friday. Then I have to fight with her about why I was in the account. And while I have a very valid reason for doing so, it still turns into a fight. I just need to demand full transparency or leave. She has access to all of my stuff and I did to hers until a little over a year ago. I don’t think she is hiding talking to other guys from me so much as she is hiding talking about our marriage with her friends. Link to post Share on other sites
Normm Posted August 14, 2018 Share Posted August 14, 2018 I am tempted to give her one last chance to fix this. Seems like you've given her plenty of last chances and she's not interested. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted August 14, 2018 Share Posted August 14, 2018 O For example, logging in to any of her accounts would only notify her that someone is logging on from another location and prompt her to change her password, which is exactly what happened this past Friday. The password change should be a dealbreaker for you. If she was an alcoholic, would you allow her private access to the liquor cabinet? It's been several months, you need to tell her time to declare - in or out? Were she in, they'd be two people working on the marriage rather than the current one-man show... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
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