HiCrunchy Posted August 10, 2018 Share Posted August 10, 2018 Theory. People are uncomfortable around their SO's exes because romantic feelings always remain between people that once had an intimate relationship Romantic feelings after a break up go dormant after so people move on. SOs knows that having an ex around might trigger those feelings that still remain somewhere deep down so they feel threatened having an ex be friends with their SO even if they haven been both broken up for a long time. Thoughts? Link to post Share on other sites
Sunlight72 Posted August 10, 2018 Share Posted August 10, 2018 Theory. People are uncomfortable around their SO's exes because romantic feelings always remain between people that once had an intimate relationship.Always is not accurate at all. Sometimes, yes. I can see being concerned. I feel it is very natural and smart to be observant and concerned. I just disagree that all people have left over romantic feelings for all their ex's. I've had 5 relationships in my life, and of them I would honestly say I have left over romantic feelings for 2 of them. Of those two though, the reasons we split are still also strong in my mind, and I would not start up with either of them even if we were both single, and stranded in a cozy hotel for a weekend. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Guildford Posted August 10, 2018 Share Posted August 10, 2018 Don't worry about your wife's former partners and lovers; just worry about the guy who took her virginity. I am told that a woman will always have warm feelings for the man who deflowered her even if it was a bad experience. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted August 10, 2018 Share Posted August 10, 2018 People are uncomfortable around their SO's exes because romantic feelings always remain between people that once had an intimate relationship You've obviously never met my ex. Not just no, but hell no. At least for me, not true... Mr. Lucky 2 Link to post Share on other sites
snowboy91 Posted August 10, 2018 Share Posted August 10, 2018 Always is not accurate at all. Sometimes, yes. This. Although I would say it happens most of the time (but not always), and it depends on the circumstances of the breakup and how people process it. Most of the time someone will still have hope of getting back together, or still be feeling pain from what they have lost, or guilt for breaking up with that person. But not always - I still keep in touch with my ex - I've known her for over 6 years so we know and understand each other very well - but she wasn't right for me in a lot of ways as a life partner. Romantic feelings faded long ago, and I definitely don't feel anything romantically now, but I do feel a sense of caring that I would have for a very close (platonic) friend. Works well for both of us - we're both seeing other people and neither of us is overly jealous about it. Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted August 10, 2018 Share Posted August 10, 2018 I'm guessing most of the time one of the former couple still has romantic feelings. Link to post Share on other sites
GoodOnPaper Posted August 10, 2018 Share Posted August 10, 2018 My wife doesn’t like me bringing up anything about the few prior relationships I had and I respect that, but I never had any lingering romantic feelings. I came to the realization that I loved the relationships far more than I did the women themselves. I always felt like such a loser when I was single and didn’t have a GF. Link to post Share on other sites
guest569 Posted August 10, 2018 Share Posted August 10, 2018 I think some people completely ditch all the romantic feelings they have for their ex. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author HiCrunchy Posted August 10, 2018 Author Share Posted August 10, 2018 (edited) So why would having an ex around their SO make people uncomfortable if they have moved on romantically and only see them as a sister or brother. If moving on = dead feelings, people shouldn't have a problem with their partner being close or friends with their ex. Or talking about past relationships. Because according to most people, those feelings are gone since they have moved on, cant come back. There is no threat. It's dead and buried. Now if my theory is correct and romantic feelings remain dormant or sleeping instead of completely going away, I could see why even after moving on and putting those feelings to sleep, u would not want an ex around ur SO triggering those feelings again. It could mean competition for you. Edited August 10, 2018 by HiCrunchy Link to post Share on other sites
Author HiCrunchy Posted August 10, 2018 Author Share Posted August 10, 2018 Always is not accurate at all. Sometimes, yes. I can see being concerned. I feel it is very natural and smart to be observant and concerned. I just disagree that all people have left over romantic feelings for all their ex's. I've had 5 relationships in my life, and of them I would honestly say I have left over romantic feelings for 2 of them. Of those two though, the reasons we split are still also strong in my mind, and I would not start up with either of them even if we were both single, and stranded in a cozy hotel for a weekend. Where is the concern coming from? Link to post Share on other sites
GoodOnPaper Posted August 10, 2018 Share Posted August 10, 2018 I should have added that in my case, I was always dumped in unceremoniously monkeybranching fashion, so I never had any desire to stay friends anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
guest569 Posted August 10, 2018 Share Posted August 10, 2018 So why would having an ex around their SO make people uncomfortable if they have moved on romantically and only see them as a sister or brother. If moving on = dead feelings, people shouldn't have a problem with their partner being close or friends with their ex. Or talking about past relationships. Because according to most people, those feelings are gone since they have moved on, cant come back. There is no threat. It's dead and buried. Now if my theory is correct and romantic feelings remain dormant or sleeping instead of completely going away, I could see why even after moving on and putting those feelings to sleep, u would not want an ex around ur SO triggering those feelings again. It could mean competition for you. How can you know which is which? Sometimes people don't know their own feelings. How would you know if your partner has dormant feelings or dead feelings. Or well and truly alive feelings. I remember dating a recently divorced man who said early on a few times "but I'm over it" after talking about the ex. If course he wasn't and we broke up. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted August 10, 2018 Share Posted August 10, 2018 I always dated good guys. When the romances ended, they didn't stop being good guys. It was just a point in time when we realized that we weren't about happily ever after for each other. All of my EXs have a soft spot in my heart. I learned things from each of them & at one point loved them. Now it's more like a wistful, oh wasn't that fun long ago, not a passionate love. I would be upset if they died kind of thing but not romantic at all. The discomfort / the elephant in the room if they are around my husband is the knowledge that these men & I had some intimate knowledge of one another. We kissed, some we had sex, all were confidants. That level of closeness is not something you share with every friend or acquaintance. Now it's only with my husband but the fact that it had been them years earlier makes it a very small "club" if you will & that can lead to weirdness / awkwardness. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted August 10, 2018 Share Posted August 10, 2018 When I divorced my ExW I had already grieved the relationship and it's ending, the last year of my marriage was only me trying for the sake of my Step Daughter. When the divorce happened I was already over her I moved on fairly quickly, uncoupling from her happened not in an instant but over time. I didn't love her anymore... and don't today, 17+ years later.. That being said, me filing shook her whole world and what I went thru in the marriage she was going to have to go thru after the divorce.. I think when I divorced her she still loved me and carried a torch for a while till she moved on... I would hope she has no romantic love for me.. I doubt she does. I think many times the person initiating the breakup has gone farther down the path of uncoupling and it leaves the other partner with unresolved feelings till they work thru them. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted August 10, 2018 Share Posted August 10, 2018 Theory. People are uncomfortable around their SO's exes because romantic feelings always remain between people that once had an intimate relationship Romantic feelings after a break up go dormant after so people move on. SOs knows that having an ex around might trigger those feelings that still remain somewhere deep down so they feel threatened having an ex be friends with their SO even if they haven been both broken up for a long time. Thoughts? Absolutely no on all accounts. I have always been kind and welcoming to my SO's ex. If possible I would make friends with them. I do not have anymore romantic feelings for any of my exs and nothing could be revived because nothing is there to be revived. I have been working 15 years for one of my ex and never once I thought those feelings could get back. Of course I care for them, I would not want anything bad happening to them but the romance is dead-dead. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Sunlight72 Posted August 10, 2018 Share Posted August 10, 2018 Where is the concern coming from?The concern is coming from the 'sometimes' people/relationships. Sometimes, some people are still harboring hope to get back together with an ex. You can't know for sure, but I'd say it's possible to get a feeling of likelihood by observing a person around their ex if they are spending time together. If they don't want you around when they see their ex. If they don't tell you when they have seen them. If they are seeing or speaking to their ex regularly. If you all are in the same group, and they appear more attached to each other than to you, I'd be concerned. If they see or talk to their ex a handful of times a year, mainly with other friends doing a group thing, are not secretive about the few times they do communicate, and you are warmly and respectfully introduced as their partner when you do interact with their ex, then I'd say there's not anything reasonable to worry over. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted August 10, 2018 Share Posted August 10, 2018 Theory. People are uncomfortable around their SO's exes because romantic feelings always remain between people that once had an intimate relationship Thoughts? Perhaps outlier but before and after being married I didn't have any problems with my then GF's H2, including retrieving some boxes of personal items for my later wife from his garage and talking to him and his dad while there. She kept in touch with him off and on because he still had the dog they shared while married for a number of years. After our D, I met the guy she had living with her since we D'd and moved some of the stuff I had stocked her house with during the D back home. No problems, offered him a mason's job on a project I was working on. She declined. At that point she was dead to me so wasn't a factor in life. Stuff from my childhood was and she had it. In general I don't process horizontal mambo/love feelings imaging like I guess some guys do. The past is generally irrelevant. I live in the now. If the lady wants to bang her ex, cool, I'll move on. Many do. Seen it plenty, along with banging randoms. They do what they do. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted August 10, 2018 Share Posted August 10, 2018 There's always something at play. It isn't always lust or love, but that ex can always bring up emotions of some type. I have one that likes to pull me back down into the sea of love and knows just how to do it, but I'm on to him now. A couple years ago four of us went to an outside gig together and had too much time for them to get drunk (I wasn't drinking) and by the home stretch, he was tearing up when his wife was away from the table and trying to touch my hand and stuff and I just ignored him totally! I care about him, but I'm done playing that game. And I'm not going to be that person. And meanwhile, at the same gig, this whole time another ex decided that although he wouldn't wave to me or come say hi, he would stand within one foot of where the teary ex was sitting for the concert (and I'm across the table) and ignore us. I love my life. I ran this by a friend of mine, who said probably he is used to me going up and talking to him, which is true, but I did wave at him once and point him out to the table once,and nothing. Maybe he's myopic. Plus 30 years after the fact, he decided to write a song called "I Don't Care" which our mutual friend was commanded to show me. Haha. Yeah, you don't care. That's why you're writing songs about me 30 years after I broke up with you and while you're married. Exes. They're always entertaining. Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted August 10, 2018 Share Posted August 10, 2018 I think many people don't like to think that their partner was with someone else and experience retroactive jealousy and yes I do think fear of the *possibility* that things could re-spark might be at the root of it for many people. However, just because people are afraid of that possibility doesn't mean the fear is based in reality. Or that possibility means something is definitely going to happen.Most people, if they're cheating, seem to cheat with new people rather than old exes, so when you think about it, an ex is not really that much more of a threat or shouldn't be. I don't think it is accurate that you will always have romantic feelings for your ex. Sure, you were attracted to them at some point so I can see where somewhere that possibility exists. But again, the possibility isn't the same as active desire esp when I'm happily with someone else, no amount of an ex being around would disrupt that frankly. And as I said, if your partner is looking to cheat or has inappropriate boundaries that can lead to cheating, it will not matter if it's an ex or someone else, chances are it won't be with the ex but their coworker or some other person. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted August 10, 2018 Share Posted August 10, 2018 I don't think you have to "romantically" love your ex. One of mine made me real mad and I totally hated him for 10 years and then I felt like we had shared to much life and work and missed that part of it. But there's too much water under the bridge for me to put my whole body into it!! Link to post Share on other sites
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