Kaylamay123 Posted August 10, 2018 Share Posted August 10, 2018 This is new to me. I am a few months into a divorce I initiated and I would love some opinions and clarity. I have felt so checked out of my marriage for years. Really about 13 of the 15 years. We had a child 11 years ago. I feel that my soon to be x had been an alcoholic all along but what is fun when dating is really annoying when married. For years I have dealt with his excessive alcohol consumption and in recent years his erratic behavior has increased, sometimes in front of our child. The first time I really considered divorce was 3 years ago Christmas Eve. I was doing the normal playing Santa and he was doing his normal drink in the garage all night until he is blacked out. I asked for help setting up our child’s keyboard and he refused because he was too busy. This broke my heart. I felt so alone. This is a pattern that continued. No sex for years, too much alcohol almost every other night at least, being tired everyday after alcohol, anxious, grumpy and depressed after too much alcohol then repeat. I could list so many times I felt let down but it is really the same pattern. I have felt so alone! needless to say I was afraid to share this with any friends because they all seem to love my drunk x. Finally this past Christmas he drove my child and I home in a black out ( I did not know he was even drunk until we got home) and he tried to push me over in front of our child. The next day same black out and he called me names in front of our child before finally passing out. I vowed that night that I was finished and I checked out for good, finally. I can’t allow our child to experience this. Fast forward to months later and I’m finally getting strong. Divorce is scary especially when my main concern is my child and our financial independence. I have been reading about Walk Away Wife Syndrome. Is this what I have? I felt justified in my decision but now wonder if I am one of the people in this catagory and maybe I need to think about why I checked out. I know I am codependent so that likely pays into my questioning. Bottom line is that divorce is hard and no one does this taking it lightly. But we do it knowing there is a better life ahead of us! I would love your thoughts on my confusing time!! Side note to this, I began corresponding with an old boyfriend from 24 years ago a few months back. I know not the best timing at all but he lives about 4 states away so it is safe and nothing my child would be exposed to right now. He has helped me understand that there can be respect and kindness in a man and woman having a friendship. And if Love is truly there he is happy to wait. I feel like he has been sent to open my eyes to the chance that I could find love again in life just when I thought I woul be alone forever. ( even though I would rather be alone all alone then alone in a relationship) ? Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted August 10, 2018 Share Posted August 10, 2018 This is new to me. I am a few months into a divorce I initiated and I would love some opinions and clarity. I have felt so checked out of my marriage for years. Really about 13 of the 15 years. We had a child 11 years ago. I feel that my soon to be x had been an alcoholic all along but what is fun when dating is really annoying when married. For years I have dealt with his excessive alcohol consumption and in recent years his erratic behavior has increased, sometimes in front of our child. The first time I really considered divorce was 3 years ago Christmas Eve. I was doing the normal playing Santa and he was doing his normal drink in the garage all night until he is blacked out. I asked for help setting up our child’s keyboard and he refused because he was too busy. This broke my heart. I felt so alone. This is a pattern that continued. No sex for years, too much alcohol almost every other night at least, being tired everyday after alcohol, anxious, grumpy and depressed after too much alcohol then repeat. I could list so many times I felt let down but it is really the same pattern. I have felt so alone! needless to say I was afraid to share this with any friends because they all seem to love my drunk x. Finally this past Christmas he drove my child and I home in a black out ( I did not know he was even drunk until we got home) and he tried to push me over in front of our child. The next day same black out and he called me names in front of our child before finally passing out. I vowed that night that I was finished and I checked out for good, finally. I can’t allow our child to experience this. Fast forward to months later and I’m finally getting strong. Divorce is scary especially when my main concern is my child and our financial independence. I have been reading about Walk Away Wife Syndrome. Is this what I have? I felt justified in my decision but now wonder if I am one of the people in this catagory and maybe I need to think about why I checked out. I know I am codependent so that likely pays into my questioning. Bottom line is that divorce is hard and no one does this taking it lightly. But we do it knowing there is a better life ahead of us! I would love your thoughts on my confusing time!! Side note to this, I began corresponding with an old boyfriend from 24 years ago a few months back. I know not the best timing at all but he lives about 4 states away so it is safe and nothing my child would be exposed to right now. He has helped me understand that there can be respect and kindness in a man and woman having a friendship. And if Love is truly there he is happy to wait. I feel like he has been sent to open my eyes to the chance that I could find love again in life just when I thought I woul be alone forever. ( even though I would rather be alone all alone then alone in a relationship) ? I think if you stepped back emotionally and read that last paragraph it would sound ridiculous. It does to me, maybe because I understand this dynamic. Exes are exes for a reason, if this guy was the answer there would have been no drunken husband. Be careful, because the 80/20 thing plays a strong role in rebound relationships. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted August 10, 2018 Share Posted August 10, 2018 Indeed. Nothing good can come from starting a relationship with a man who lives four states away... That is going to cause you more grief and hardship in the future. Deal with the end of your marriage. Grieve it, learn to stand on your own, and then when you and your child are strong and stable, find a nice man who lives nearby. You will have shared custody of your child - you can't be dating a man who lives four states away... I'm sorry for the end of your marriage. You did the right thing, you could not stay and raise your child in a home with a raging alcoholic. You may want to consider attending an al-anon meeting. You have much to learn - there is a good chance that you are a rather codependent personailty to have been in a relationship with an alcoholic which could be part of the reason why you are so quick to form another relationship with this old-flame during your divorce. Best wishes to you and your family as you settle your divorce and start a new life. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted August 10, 2018 Share Posted August 10, 2018 T I felt so alone. This is a pattern that continued. No sex for years, too much alcohol almost every other night at least, being tired everyday after alcohol, anxious, grumpy and depressed after too much alcohol then repeat. I could list so many times I felt let down but it is reall the same pattern. I have felt so alone! needless to say I was afraid to share this with any friends because they all seem to love my drunk x. Even if you were still madly in love with your husband, this would be an unworkable situation. And you have to accept your codependency and enabling in the relationship: Finally this past Christmas he drove my child and I home in a black out ( I did not know he was even drunk until we got home) and he tried to push me over in front of our child. You've lived with an blackout alcoholic yet didn't recognize the need to check his ability to drive you and your child home? A toxic situation all around and one you shouldn't think twice about "walking away" from. I hope you're seriously examining any role he might have in unsupervised co-parenting... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted August 10, 2018 Share Posted August 10, 2018 It sounds like you did the reasonable thing in choosing to divorce, you don't have some syndrome, you were just in a bad marriage and finally realized you couldn't keep going with it. The re-connection with the ex is simply a distraction from the life changing process of a divorce, even when you're the one who chose to end it. You haven't felt romance and love and passion for some time and it's intoxicating to feel again. Don't get carried away with the ex. Realize you aren't seeing things clearly right now. Take it slow. If it's meant to be he'll understand and still be around once you have worked through the divorce (emotionally and logistically) and made sure your child is settled into the new circumstances. Don't jump out of the frying pan into the fire. Link to post Share on other sites
marky00 Posted August 11, 2018 Share Posted August 11, 2018 I think if you stepped back emotionally and read that last paragraph it would sound ridiculous. It does to me, maybe because I understand this dynamic. Exes are exes for a reason, if this guy was the answer there would have been no drunken husband. Be careful, because the 80/20 thing plays a strong role in rebound relationships. It's not that ridiculous. Fact is even when you leave a bad relationship, you still see your own flaws and things you could have done better. In the end, a relationship ending has 2 losers and no-one likes to fail. It's an over-simplification to say that because it ended, everything in it was bad and it was destined to fail because "exes are exes for a reason" But if that simplistic view helps certain people get over a breakup faster, then that is what matters the most. Link to post Share on other sites
OatsAndHall Posted August 12, 2018 Share Posted August 12, 2018 The divorce sounded like it needed to happen... Staying married to a drunk would be extremely unhealthy for you and your child. I think you made the right call. Stay away from the ex-boyfriend. Give yourself some time to heal and move past your divorce before you go diving into anything. It's not going to be fair to him and it's going to hinder your ability to get your life together, post divorce. Never underestimate how badly a divorce can affect you, even if you were in a bad marriage. It takes time, effort, and possibly therapy to heal. Link to post Share on other sites
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