ManyDissapoint Posted August 10, 2018 Share Posted August 10, 2018 My ex who left me almost four years ago got in contact with me, saying she would like to have some casual conversation. We have only spoke a small handful of times since the breakup and each time was emotionally charged. This time was different. I was insanely curious so I agreed to a chat. Turns out she is getting a divorce from the man who she got engaged to just a year after leaving me. I have to admit, that it felt pretty good being vindicated. We exchanged several short emails over the course of a couple weeks, and then I asked her if I could call her. We had a 45 minute chat. From the sound of things, the divorce is going to be fairly messy. She's seen my picture, says that I'm looking really good. This was the first time we have spoken on the phone since the breakup, so I had the opportunity to ask her questions about things that I had been wondering all these years. Our conversation was cheery and forthright. We did reminisce a bit, but she wasn't comfortable doing so for very long. In my mind our relationship ended due to fighting caused by misunderstandings. I don't know if I would give her another chance. I considered her a very good match for me, something I have struggled to find in all my dating since then. Does anyone have any thoughts about why she would get in contact with me at this juncture? Link to post Share on other sites
Arieswoman Posted August 10, 2018 Share Posted August 10, 2018 manydiss, You asked Does anyone have any thoughts about why she would get in contact with me at this juncture? She's looking for a nice soft landing away from the nasty divorce and a shoulder to cry on. Don't be the fallback guy. She left you - remember? So even if you thought you were a good match, she didn't, that's why she left. So why would you even consider giving her another chance? So she can walk out on you again? Take off those rose-coloured glasses and move on. You need to make a life for yourself without her in it. You'll never find a suitable partner if you are still hung up on her. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted August 10, 2018 Share Posted August 10, 2018 (edited) You’re the transitional guy. The guy she falls back on during a difficult time. You help as a distraction and you provide an emotional crutch while she moves into a new phase of her life. For as long as I’ve been on this site — don’t get involved with people who are still dealing with past emotional baggage. Let her go. Let her heal. Give it some time and when she’s in a completely different mindset, then maybe you both can decide if there really is something there. Don’t get tangled with her while she’s still transitioning from an ending. People often make the wrong choices for the wrong reasons when they are in such situations. Edited August 10, 2018 by Zahara 3 Link to post Share on other sites
ThreeRainbows Posted August 10, 2018 Share Posted August 10, 2018 Four years is a long time. It is possible there has been enough growth by both of you. However, people who are just getting divorced can get the GIG syndrome because they will want to explore their newfound freedom (if they were the dumper in their marriage). Wait until she's fully divorced, then go very slowly. Go in with your eyes open. Don't attach emotionally right away. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Normm Posted August 10, 2018 Share Posted August 10, 2018 In my mind our relationship ended due to fighting caused by misunderstandings. Don't fool yourself, the breakup was very hard on you and it took you years to make a fairly good recovery which you've posted about over the past few years. You wrote this 2 years ago when she first got engaged: She contacted me out of the blue to rub it in my face among other things. Realized that she is never going to change and it was a reminder about the bad parts of her personality. Don't go backwards. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
marky00 Posted August 11, 2018 Share Posted August 11, 2018 Even though its been 4 years, I agree that her contact isn't from a good place right now. The only way you could take such an approach as authentic would be if she had been single for a couple of years or at least had got the post divorce craziness out of her system. I think you should just disappear again. If you don't want to do that, you could let her contact you all the time but basically have the hand brake right up so everything goes super slow. If after 6 months or so, she's still around, you might have something to work with. Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted August 11, 2018 Share Posted August 11, 2018 She's looking for a distraction during a difficult life change. You will be hurt. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted August 11, 2018 Share Posted August 11, 2018 She isn't getting in touch for the right reasons, OP. It would be very unwise to develop any expectations out of this. She is coming to you because she needs a cushion to fall on through this divorce and she apparently thinks you're clueless enough not to notice that. Keep a wide, wide berth from her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ManyDissapoint Posted August 12, 2018 Author Share Posted August 12, 2018 Thanks for the advice, folks. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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