NC and my ex... where do I go...

[riverdeep33]

we were together 5 years and everything was fine he wanted to move in but I wasn’t ready. We split up a year ago. I then assured him I was ready and we got back together. It didn’t happen and I spent the next year keeping at arms length, pushing him away, keeping him at an emotional distance. In hindsight this was truly awful and I was in quite a withdrawn depressive state.

 

3 months ago, enough was enough, he hadn’t moved in and we hardly saw each other. So he left me. I was distraught.

 

In that time, I’ve sought help, I’m getting counselling and have taken all steps to better myself. It’s a journey that I am on.

 

I’ve also been actively trying to rekindle things with my ex. Our relationship is worth fighting for and I have done everything to make him see that.

 

We have been dating, going out together, spending weekends with each other etc for the last three months. It has been nice, albeit my heightened state in wanting him back. Long story short, last week, we got back together after a romantic night. The next day he changed his mind saying he needs more time and isn’t feeling the excitement or enthusiasm at the moment. Upon reflection he wasn’t putting anywhere near the effort I was in to repairing. I guess, once bitten, twice shy.

 

It was heartbreaking but I realised, it’s time to stop trying so now I am giving this no contact thing a go. Purely on the grounds that he wanted to breakup but hasn’t had the chance to actually not be with me and also, for me to accept that I need to build a life without him.

 

Last week it ended on him saying he needs time and he is really sorry for how he has treated me. Prior to that message, I told him he needs to fight for me too and if he feels like he wants me, he knows where I am.

 

So, my question I guess is, how does this no contact going to work in this situation? I left the ball in his court, so after 30 days (or however long), do I wait for him to contact me or do I still do the casual message? I pulled out ALL the stops over the last three months, so part of me feels like if he wants me he should be initiating it and if he doesn’t, that’s a clear message to me? The other part of me thinks that if I don’t drop him a message, I’ll always wonder what could have been?

 

It’s just one big mess. We are perfect together and I take full responsibility for the breakup from my mental state. I’ve had a moment of realisation and am fully committed but I can’t convince him of that now.

 

I know this no contact is for me, but I do want him to realise what he’s lost and if he does contact me, I’m unsure how fair it is to keep him waiting as he’s just said he needs time to fix himself, rather than it’s over? I appreciate, that could (and probably is), him just being very polite.

 

Long story short...

- I’ve battled for three months with him. Yeah some of it a little desperate but can’t change that now. Communications doing things he wants to do, going out. Dates, letters, meals, romantic nights, talked about future etc. All permenant things I want to do.

 

- he’s gone along with it for three months, being romantically close etc but ignored my emitional texts etc.

 

- when asked after three months to start over he said yes, then 24hrs later changed his mind.

 

- I want him to contact me after NC despite the rules saying I should contact him.

 

What a mess! Any help or words of guidance would be most welcome.

[ExpatInItaly]

The ball is in his court now. He knows how you feel, that you want to try again and have been making an effort. Unfortunately, he doesn't feel the same way. As such, I wouldn't reach out again.

 

If you haven't heard from him in a month, I think you have your answer, unfortunately. There is no need to send a casual message at that time if he hasn't taken the initiative to contact you.

 

My sense is that, yes, your previous hesitation to move forward made him think twice - but also that his own feelings have just changed and he has lost interest. You said it wasn't progressing even after reuniting, you kept him at arm's length and he ended it. I think this is not all on you and your unwillingness to open up; it seems he was checking out, too.

[riverdeep33]

hi

thanks for your quick reply. It’s such a difficult one to judge as over the last three months he was trying and was actively spending time with me etc and his closing remarks were that he does feel like we deserve another shot, but something is telling him not to right now.

 

He is an amazing guy and really is worth fighting for. Technically this time there was no end - he said he needed time, I said I’m not waiting any more. So I guess I’ve left it with him. It worries me so much that his parents and all his friends are so anti me for what I’ve done in pushing him away; he has nobody around him who is pro-me.

 

I know I’ve done all I can. I know I can do nothing more but part of me does think I should reach out in 30 days and see.

 

Ive muted them on social media - still friends but their feed doesn’t come up. Part of me thinks if he sees I’m living a life without him, it will prove I have changed and I am trying for me, not him.

[d0nnivain]

NC does not work in this setting. NC is about you healing after a break up. It is not about making somebody miss you. Not talking doesn't make the other person realize what they lost. It provides the other person a big sigh of relief that you are gone & proof they can live without you.

 

If there is any hope to fix this you have to be in touch, communicating & working together to overcome the problems Here the problem as you correctly pointed out is once bitten, twice shy. He took you back once & all you did was keep him at arm's length. He does not trust you. I have no idea how you earn his trust back but it is not by going silent on him.

[riverdeep33]

And that's the issue - I am damned if I do, and damned if I don't.

 

Three months ago he said he needed time; so I spent that three months proving to him that I mean what I say this time.

 

Three months later, he still says he needs time. How long do I wait? I mean I wan't to keep in contact with him but then if he is making no effort, why am I doing this to myself?

 

It's me initiating all the contact, it's me making all the changes, but he doesn't seem to be trying as hard as me to fix this, despite the conversations we have had that it needs to be both of us - he says he just feels numb and broken.

 

Maybe I see the non-contact as time for me to accept he isn't coming back and it's over, but if he contacts me, I don't just ignore him; I give him a shot?

 

I am just so torn with it. I have totally messed up and now I've realised that, getting counselling, doing more, and embracing life, I am utterly powerless in getting him back. I really have been so stupid - he was perfect; I had no compromises with him and I just didn't see it.

 

I guess, in my mind, I am saying, I think I should do the non-contact for me to work on myself, but be open if he makes contact that he is reaching out (BUT don't be hanging around waiting for him to?)

 

Thanks so much for your advice. There are so many conflicting views out there; I know it will come down to me and what I think is best - but then if it were me, I'd be standing outside his house with a rose every day until he realised how much I love him! #notWise!

[d0nnivain]

Maybe I see the non-contact as time for me to accept he isn't coming back and it's over, but if he contacts me, I don't just ignore him; I give him a shot?

 

I guess, in my mind, I am saying, I think I should do the non-contact for me to work on myself, but be open if he makes contact that he is reaching out (BUT don't be hanging around waiting for him to?)

 

Thanks so much for your advice. There are so many conflicting views out there; I know it will come down to me and what I think is best - but then if it were me, I'd be standing outside his house with a rose every day until he realised how much I love him! #notWise!

 

Do not stand at his house with a rose every day. That will push him away.

 

Working on yourself is your best option. If he does reach out, hear him out. That is all you can do. If you ignore him when he reaches out this will never work. But you do have to recognize that he may be done.

[ExpatInItaly]

Do not stand at his house with a rose every day. That will push him away.

 

Working on yourself is your best option. If he does reach out, hear him out. That is all you can do. If you ignore him when he reaches out this will never work. But you do have to recognize that he may be done.

 

This. You can only do so much to convince someone to be with you. At some point, it's out of your control and you have to let him to do what he feels is best, which may not include a reconciliation.

[riverdeep33]

Thanks.

 

Everything you all say makes perfect sense and the rational part of my mind agrees; I can do nothing more. I have to keep audibly saying to myself “he isn’t coming back.”

 

I know working on myself is all I can do. I’m debating on getting away for a few days alone but worry that will make me feel worse.

 

All I can do is hope that he realises my latest intentions are genuine; they truly are. I am just in despair because I can’t make him see that.

 

Deep down I know I need to move on. I just need to figure out when to unfriend off social media and when to delete his number - that will be when the actual realisation hits that he doesn’t want me.

[ExpatInItaly]

All I can do is hope that he realises my latest intentions are genuine; they truly are. I am just in despair because I can’t make him see that.

 

I'm sure he does see that, but that isn't the real problem anymore. The problem is that his feelings have changed.

 

Not to upset the apple-cart, but do you know if he's been seeing anyone else? Sometimes people who waver this much are actually weighing their options between a couple different people.

[riverdeep33]

I don’t think he has; Ive certainly not got that impression but I guess it wouldn’t surprise me that’s what’s happened. I’d rather not think about that right now but my instincts tell me he hasn’t.

 

He is a very good looking guy though so he will be aware that he has options beyond me.

 

I guess I just have to crack on and cry it out.

[riverdeep33]

Really struggling to understand why this has happened. Reading back through all his messages, we were all effects together. Suddenly he feels numb, broken and needs more time.

 

Do I wait? Do I move on?

Day 8 of no contact today. Killing me and I can’t help but think he certainly isn’t sat crying and miserable.

How do I get through this. He was and is my entire world. I simply don’t want to be without him.

[d0nnivain]

You get through this one hour at a time, one day at a time.

 

You also remind yourself that he was not your whole world. If it helps try making a list of all the other good things in your life -- your family, your job, your pets if you have any, your hobbies & interests. Then spend more time on those.

[riverdeep33]

I know I have posted similar before, but I just feel like I need to blurt out the big picture and ask for some unbiased guidance. Currently in No Contact with my ex and it is beyond excruciating.

 

I met him 5 years ago and to say he is perfection is putting it mildly. He is smart, good looking, funny, independent, amazing body etc. I really cannot fault him. In that 5 years we had a great time with a few downs, as you'd expect. The first issue was when it came to moving in - I just wasn't ready; after 4 years. We broke up. I promised him I would sort it things and move in together; we got back together.

 

For some reason, I went into a state of depression, and I reneged on that promise. I then proceeded to push him away constantly; barely seeing him; maybe once a week, refusing to do family events, or seeing his friends etc. I just didn't seem to want to spend time with him. In hindsight (now I am getting help on my issues) - I pushed everyone away and got into quite a destructive state - it wasn't personal to him.

 

Enough was enough and in early April, he left me. This was a moment of realisation for me and went from depressed to near suicidal. I got the help I needed (still working on myself) and then put all my effort into fixing what I'd done with him.

 

I was determined to make up for the mistakes and show him just how important he was to me; starting slowly; meeting up for drinks etc, to dates and spending time with each other. Since the break up he moved away (about an hour away to a larger city, to get away from his parents), which was a blow to me - the bright city lights are a pull to him. He said he just wanted to date me and see how things went; he wasn't ready for anything yet.

 

From April to now, everything was going really well, we were getting on, messaging lots, spending more time with each other - being how we should have been; talking about a future together, family, settling down etc - it was great. He avoided any sentiment in messages (i.e. not responding to "miss you" etc), but I figured he just needed time to trust me again.

 

Lots of conversations about when he was going to move in, planning the next year out etc all happened.

 

Last week, we had a really romantic night together - as you'd see in the movies! and I decided to go for it and ask him to start over. He said yes!

 

The following day he said he wasn't ready (like 3 months ago) and I pressured him in the situation - he felt numb and although his brain is telling him to give us a go, his heart is saying no just now and he needs more time to repair himself. He exclaimed he just didn't have the excitement and enthusiasm about us right now that he used to have and he hoped that in future we could ask each other in a less pressured way. He said he cares for me but just feels he can't do a relationship.

 

I was devastated - it felt like that last three months had been a lie and I had been so used for intimacy and company.

 

We had a bit of conflict at that point where I said I was upset, given I had invested so much effort but he isn't seeming willing and I asked how long can he expect me to just wait to be liked. He said sorry and hoped the situation would shock him into realising what he needs.

 

I closed the conversation with the comment that if he figures this out, he knows where to find me, otherwise, all the best. And I started no contact.

 

I know that no contact is meant to be for me, but I am at a complete loss. A big part of me feels like he wants me but needs time - and if that is the case, do I wait. Another thinks if he doesn't reach out in the next 22 days (been over a week already), then I need to see that as a sign. I do want him to miss me.

 

He is my soul mate, I 100% believe that and I have put up one hell of a fight to show him that; which he acknowledged. I know I can't control him and it is clear his barriers are up, but what do I do?

 

I don't want to delete him off social media or his number yet, as I feel like there is a slight chance; but what if I am clutching at straws?

 

All his family and friends hate me for the emotional damage I have done in pushing him away; but nobody will give me a chance to make amends. It is a catch 22 situation for me. He has nobody at all around him who is pro-me - everyone; all his family, friends etc are telling him not go give me another chance and walk away. Nobody is recognising that I genuinely am committed and want to work on this.

 

Should I be making contact again; but then I am doing all the running; I really need him to realise what he is losing too?

 

I have made a HUGE mistake in my past and I know the advice is to not do it to the next person; but I don't want a different person; I want him forever and I have no idea how to make him realise that.

 

At present, I am in quite a low state of mind; struggling to get out of bed, struggling to do anything; I just break down crying randomly. The trouble is all my friends are coupled up and have lives; so I often have nobody to do anything with. The town I live in isn't lively, so there are few opportunities to meet new people. I have tried the meetup groups but everyone is 15-20 years my senior; which is fine, but I'd love to meet people my own age.

 

My life prior to him was work work work and not leaving the house; I really do not want to back to that dark depressing life but I fear that is the only real choice I have.

 

Right now, I am thinking of just going abroad on my own for a few days to clear my mind; but I am not sure if that is a healthy choice either.

 

A big rant I know, but that is the big picture. In all the relationships I have ever had, this one has hit me the hardest. I have never felt like this before.

Edited August 11, 2018 by riverdeep33
Missed a few points.

[d0nnivain]

After 5 years you were not ready to move in. Unless those 5 years started when you were 15 & are only now 20, you need to trust your own feelings. You were not ready because something about this relationship was no where near as "perfect" as you are claiming in your post. If it was ideal you would have felt simultaneously comfortable & excited about this deepening stage of your relationship.

[riverdeep33]

Admittedly it sounds bad.

 

Three of those years he was at uni tho - living away etc so moving in just wasn’t up for discussion.

 

I’m quite the recluse so it was very hard for me and the counselling I’m having now is the realisation to the triviality of my decisions and the significant impact of them upon him.

 

I take full responsibility I don’t deny it but I just don’t think it was worth splitting up, certainly without a discussion about how he felt. It was just out of the blue.

[d0nnivain]

You are a young recluse. Of course the idea of living with somebody was overwhelming for you.

 

It just may be one of those things that wasn't meant to be. This was your young love / your college BF. He's not the embodiment of perfection nor is he your everlasting love.

[riverdeep33]

By uni - it was his second degree.

 

He is 26, I’m 34. So he’s young, I’m old.

 

I know there’s nothing more I can do. I just wish someone would bang his head off a table and tell him to snap out of this.

 

The thought of him meeting someone else drives me literally insane! I guess that means I’ve got a long way to go.

[ExpatInItaly]

By uni - it was his second degree.

 

He is 26, I’m 34. So he’s young, I’m old.

 

I know there’s nothing more I can do. I just wish someone would bang his head off a table and tell him to snap out of this.

The thought of him meeting someone else drives me literally insane! I guess that means I’ve got a long way to go.

 

He doesn't need to snap out of anything. This is he correct course of action for him. Just because you don't agree with it doesn't make it the wrong choice for him. You are assuming that this is somehow all crazy talk coming from him or that he's ill-informed, but he's not. He's seen how this relationship hasn't been working and he's doing what he feels is best - which is not to reconcile at this time.

[Zahara]

By uni - it was his second degree.

 

He is 26, I’m 34. So he’s young, I’m old.

 

I know there’s nothing more I can do. I just wish someone would bang his head off a table and tell him to snap out of this.

 

The thought of him meeting someone else drives me literally insane! I guess that means I’ve got a long way to go.

 

I’m sure he was hoping you’d snap out of it when he was on the receiving end of your avoidance back then.

 

I can understand where he’s coming from as to why he has uncertainty towards rekindling with you again. He likely thought he could change his feelings and he may have really ignited that connection with you again but when push came to shove, he decided he wasn’t ready. He probably is afraid of getting hurt again. I don’t think he was using you.

 

Dealing with someone that’s emotionally distant and avoidant can really tear at your emotions, self-esteem and instill resentment. And it’s hard to bury all of that and turn that all around and resume a relationship. He has an impression of you and he’s probably afraid to go through that again and has many doubts about you. You can’t blame him for it.

 

He’s doing the right thing. He can’t be ready just because you’re ready now. It doesn’t work that way.

Edited August 12, 2018 by Zahara

[riverdeep33]

He doesn't need to snap out of anything. This is he correct course of action for him. Just because you don't agree with it doesn't make it the wrong choice for him. You are assuming that this is somehow all crazy talk coming from him or that he's ill-informed, but he's not. He's seen how this relationship hasn't been working and he's doing what he feels is best - which is not to reconcile at this time.

 

Sorry wrong choice of words. That’s in my head and my simplistic view of it. I know he is doing it for him and he needs to. I cannot blame his decision one bit.

 

It’s just the last three months he has painted a promising picture of a future together and suddenly that’s all gone; when I thought we were on the road to recovery. That’s why I’m taking this so hard; it’s hearing one message, and now feeling another.

 

Totally agree with you both.

 

The decision that is coming back repeatedly to me is - in time do I contact him or do I now just leave him forever and let him come to me if he feels it’s what he wants? I know I can’t wait for him.

[Zahara]

Personally, I would leave him alone. He knows what you want. Implement NC and allow yourselves time and distance to heal and find emotional and mental clarity. I think you need to focus on your therapy and self-development. And he needs to do whatever it if that’s going to make him content with his own life.

 

Treat this as a break- up and move on.

 

If he comes back wanting another chance at this then by all means you both should try. But being in each other’s life with one foot in is only going to further inflict confusion and pain.

Edited August 12, 2018 by Zahara

[riverdeep33]

Thanks to you and all for your advice.

 

Time to start creating a new me.

[ExpatInItaly]

Personally, I would leave him alone. He knows what you want. Implement NC and allow yourselves time and distance to heal and find emotional and mental clarity. I think you need to focus on your therapy and self-development. And he needs to do whatever it if that’s going to make him content with his own life.

 

Treat this as a break- up and move on.

 

If he comes back wanting another chance at this then by all means you both should try. But being in each other’s life with one foot in is only going to further inflict confusion and pain.

 

Yes, I agree.

 

You have been trying and trying, OP, and you can see all that effort hasn't yielded the results you hoped for. If he wants to talk about getting back together someday, it will be his turn to initiate and reach out.

 

And it's true that this day may never come. But you won't have wasted any more of your time pursuing something futile.

[riverdeep33]

Hi all,

 

I wonder if I could get some advice.

 

I’ve posted on here recently about my relationship breakup and how I’m on day 11 currently of NC.

 

Essentially, he needs time, not ready etc after a past of me pushing him away. There is some scope to rebuild but it’s in his court after three months of my efforts.

 

Anyway, I just don’t feel ready to fully disconnect from him yet and still follow each other on social media. He hasn’t posted a single thing since we split. I’ve just continued using it as I normally would; no more, no less. I’ve not been using it with any agenda etc.

 

My big plan was to give him 30 days whilst I work on myself. After 30 days, if he hasn’t contacted me; the silence should be deafening and it’s time for the hopefully improved version of me to move on; block, delete numbers etc.

 

A big part of me thinks I should be unfriending and unfollowing now; but I worry that it will send a message to him that that may be perceived as my loss of interest and also if I don’t feel ready to - will I regret it at this point.

 

I know social media is a small thing but it’s the last sort of connection. He hasn’t unfriended me etc but then he’s just too nice to do that. I know lots of people totally remove to create that “miss you” situation; but I believe it’s just a bit petty doing that, and if I’m removing him, I need to do that for me, not him.

 

Do I stick to my original plan or jump the gun and remove him?

[OngoingThoughts]

It took me 3 weeks into NC to unfriend and unfollow. I noticed I was looking at her profile too much to see if and when she updated and whether or not she added people. It blocked my healing process. Idk if you have the same, but if you do: the sooner you unfriend and unfollow, the better. I eventually though: she has my number if she wants to reach out. Now I have to focus on me.

It's been a week since I did that and it feels a lot better. This also shows her I am posting for me, and not to get a reaction from her.

Edited August 15, 2018 by OngoingThoughts