Recently broke up, now ex with new gf... and poly?

[Sunkistblues]

My boyfriend of 2.5 years broke up with me in May because I went through a bad bout of depression for 6 months that eventually was too much for him. Now, that doesn't bother me. I wasn't dealing with my depression, and I leaned way too hard on him for EVERYTHING for a while. However, I have worked through all of that and am now hoping to get back together with him.

 

I took a month away (after doing the whole emotional thing for a while trying to convince him to come back ... yikes!) to better myself and calm my emotions, but now that I am starting to try to contact him again I find out from mutual friends that he has been seeing a new woman since 2 weeks after our breakup (which screams rebound to me, but he apparently seems serious about her), and that he has decided to try polyamory.

 

So the question is what do I do? Before I took time for myself he said he still loves me and that we have a special bond ... that he saw us together in the future. I'm thinking I'll just take it slow and see how things feel. Try to just be me and portray my newly re-discovered independence and self-confidence. I don't know how to approach the polyamory angle though. I would like him to be monogamous with me again eventually .... if we rekindle the spark between us, will asking him to be with ONLY me just extinguish it again?

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Are you saying he wants you back, but also wants the new girlfriend, too?

[central]

All you can do is try, or move on. He may not want to get back together on your terms, unless he's unhappy with his new relationship (sometimes, you do score with a rebound; they often do work). Think carefully about what you can accept - or not. Do not try to lure him away and then try to make him accept monogamy. Be upfront about what you want and expect, as it is not right to bait and switch (if you do, you could easily drive him away forever).

[Sunkistblues]

He is hesitant to get back together with me currently, but I honestly think once he gets more comfortable with the truth that I have actually dealt with my depression that will change. I think he is a little worried that I am putting on an act for him ( ... I mentioned the begging right?? >.< emotional explosions are so embarrassing!), but I know I'm not so eventually he will come around.

[ExpatInItaly]

He is hesitant to get back together with me currently, but I honestly think once he gets more comfortable with the truth that I have actually dealt with my depression that will change. I think he is a little worried that I am putting on an act for him ( ... I mentioned the begging right?? >.< emotional explosions are so embarrassing!), but I know I'm not so eventually he will come around.

 

OP, do you want to be in a poly relationship? Ask yourself if you would be comfortable knowing he's seeing you and his new girlfriend at the same time.

 

If you want him for yourself, you do nothing more and move along. He's giving a totally lifestyle a try and it won't go well if you are monogamous.

[Ralph79]

Sunkistblues,

 

I am carefully reading your post. I am uncertain of a few things based on what you typed. So I will ask you directly quote by quote:

 

My boyfriend of 2.5 years broke up with me in May because I went through a bad bout of depression for 6 months that eventually was too much for him.

 

Ok this is clear as day. Without further details I would say it seems harsh on his part, but still, that's little to go by without more info.

 

However, I have worked through all of that and am now hoping to get back together with him.

 

Your intentions are clear. You want him back in your life.

 

So First Question:

 

I am starting to try to contact him again

I find out from mutual friends that he has been seeing a new woman since 2 weeks after our breakup (which screams rebound to me, but he apparently seems serious about her), and that he has decided to try polyamory.

 

So you find out through mutual friends that he began seeing someone else, and these same people have told you that he wants an open relationship , but you never once heard this straight from him. Is that correct? Because this is what I'm reading.

 

So the question is what do I do? Before I took time for myself he said he still loves me and that we have a special bond ... that he saw us together in the future.

 

Rebound or not, this was said BEFORE he was involved in a new relationship. Like I said, before I can give you any advice, I'd like to be certain of the circumstances. Are you sure that the info you have on your ex is accurate? Straight from the source?

 

I don't know how to approach the polyamory angle though. I would like him to be monogamous with me again eventually .... if we rekindle the spark between us, will asking him to be with ONLY me just extinguish it again?

 

I won't judge you for participating in an open relationship, nor do I necessarily think it's something to be shunned anymore. It's circumstantial and a culture thing I guess. But it just seems ironic that you would be willing to go into an open relationship with this person (if in fact this is even what he wants) , with an ulterior motive, which is to make him exclusive to you , thus ending the whole point for him.

 

Which leads me to my last question:

 

He is hesitant to get back together with me currently, but I honestly think once he gets more comfortable with the truth that I have actually dealt with my depression that will change. I think he is a little worried that I am putting on an act for him ( ... I mentioned the begging right?? >.< emotional explosions are so embarrassing!), but I know I'm not so eventually he will come around.

 

This leads me to believe you have approached him about this, but again I can't be entirely sure based on your posts.

 

You say you are ready to engage him again, but what happens if he does invite you to their relationship, and you end up finding the spark you were expecting to rekindle, but between them ? Are you certain you can handle that without falling again into depression? It's a huge risk to involve yourself with someone that means so much to you, when they are emotionally and sexually available to others.

 

Are you sure you are not putting on an act? It seems that you have your depression under control, but you wouldn't be sincere with your intentions regarding that relationship.

 

Again, there's a lot of info missing in order for more people to provide you with proper advice.

[MountainGirl111]

Just going by what you've posted here I'd say I wouldn't be too keen on getting back together with this guy. Part of that is because he left you when you were going through a hard time in dark depression. What does that tell you about him?

 

Another thing: You need to really get honest with yourself and ask if you really want to be in a polyamory relationship. It's not for everyone and can sometimes turn into a minefield. Or some people start out being in an open relationship and then find out they don't like it; they don't feel cherished enough. I guess it all depends on what your needs are and how well you know what you're up against. He seems half-hearted toward you. Is that what you want?

[ThreeRainbows]

This guy comes across to me as someone who does not want to give as much as get in the relationship. He sounds selfish. And yes, I am basing that partly on the fact that he wants to be in an open relationship. They barely are fair to both parties (usually the woman is giving more, and getting less, in that type of relationship).

 

 

Do you want to be with a guy who will always put himself first (and never you)?

 

 

(I'll give you a hint: it's not love)