Rebound?

[bgbd376]

My girlfriend has had several affairs over our relationship. The most recent one an emotional affair with her friend she’s known for about 2yrs. They broke it off when the other woman’s partner found out and then I found out shortly thereafter. My girlfriend and I broke up 3 wks ago (after 3yrs) and the girl my ex was seeing broke up with her girlfriend (after 7yrs). Anyway, the two of them have been together now about 2 weeks. I just found out today. And I want to vomit from the pain. I also am so disgusted with myself to still care about and love my ex, and why she has such a hold on me I can’t figure out. I wasn’t happy in the relationship; so why am I equally miserable out of it?

[Ralph79]

I'm sorry you are going through this. I realize this might be quite painful given that you have tried very hard to sustain this relationships despite your partner's affairs.

 

I won't question why you insisted in staying in that relationship, since you probably can't answer that yourself right now.

 

But to TRY to answer your question as to why you are still feeling equally miserable out of that relationship vs being constantly cheated on :

 

You invested yourself completely in this relationship. And even though you weren't happy , I will assume that part of you felt that your ex-partner would be obligated to show you some respect or at least some consideration and not just hook up with the person she was cheating on a week after you two broke up, given that you forgave many of her transgressions.

 

But you are mad , angry, and disgusted that all that you did , all the anguish she put you through, was for naught.

 

It's human nature to still care about your ex. You two were together for a while and I don't think you wish her any harm. But to say you still love her, in spite of everything she has done, makes me think you have some self esteem issues you need to address.

 

Everything that was of value to you in your relationship meant nothing to your ex. This is one of the most painful realizations after a breakup. We have to reestablish our priorities, set new personal goals, and redefine what is of value in our lives.

 

It's hard. It helps to communicate with others. To listen to advice. But you can't crawl out of this hole on advice alone. Time soothes all wounds but to truly begin the healing process you must take an active approach and invest your time in yourself, in activities and people that will help you restore your self esteem and rediscover how valuable you really are.

[Beachead]

My girlfriend has had several affairs over our relationship. The most recent one an emotional affair with her friend she’s known for about 2yrs. They broke it off when the other woman’s partner found out and then I found out shortly thereafter. My girlfriend and I broke up 3 wks ago (after 3yrs) and the girl my ex was seeing broke up with her girlfriend (after 7yrs). Anyway, the two of them have been together now about 2 weeks. I just found out today. And I want to vomit from the pain. I also am so disgusted with myself to still care about and love my ex, and why she has such a hold on me I can’t figure out. I wasn’t happy in the relationship; so why am I equally miserable out of it?

 

Well apart for the most obvious reason that she broke your heart, she also made you feel like a fool in the end.

 

You spent all that time with a girl whom turned out to be like this and you can't get that time, energy, or financial investment that you put into her back. She took it all, left you in pieces, and now gets to enjoy her life with someone new while you suffer in silence and there's nothing you can do about it. The helplessness of it all is enough to drive a person mad. You probably think back to all those times you forgave her. All the times she put you through something and you persevered on maybe because you believed in her and that things would get better. Makes you feel like a damn fool. Makes you question your own judgement. Makes you wonder what love is if it can all end after 3 years together with someone.

 

Block off of all social media as her updates of her life will be punishing to your heart. Do not contact her. If she contacts you, you keep your responses short and be cordial. If you flip out on her, you might regret it the next day. Also, things are fresh so it'll be good to get a notebook and freewrite your thoughts into it everyday and everytime you feel tempted to contact her. I used to journal twice a day, everyday for a good month after my breakups. Overall, the shock of it all will be around for a few more weeks. You may be numb or in denial for awhile until the pain and reality starts to creep back out again and hit you. Healing will be slow but over time you're mind will gain clarity about everything and your heart will catch up to it. Expect a year and don't rush it. I know it's crazy to think about that right now given how fresh this all is.

 

I don't know if this is a rebound or not but if she cheated on you many times, it means she has no moral compass in regards to loyalty and respect for a person..she's a cheater. That means, she's likely to cheat on this new girl as well if things go bad or she gets bored. This isn't someone you want to be with. The breakup was the best thing that could have happened to you although it doesn't feel like that right now. In time, as you process through it all, you're going to come to that conclusion yourself.

 

- Beach

Edited August 10, 2018 by Beachead