bill138 Posted August 12, 2018 Share Posted August 12, 2018 Hey guys, Ive been reading threads here for a while and quite honestly, I really need help and good sound advice from those that have been through this. I am completely in love with my wife and adore her and at at some point she felt the same. This 4th of july, she moved out while I was at work. I came home to a half empty house. We have no kids but she took all the pets. I was utterly devastated. This happened a month after she lied about going to work and ended up disappearing for a weekend. she said thay she felt like she just doesnt love me anymore and cant get the feeling back and that she has felt that way for years. She is a very non confrontational person and never verbally expressed any unhappiness to me and I always thought we were happy. Granted she stopped initiating sex mostly with me for about the past 2 years. She adamantely denies an affair despite strange numbers on our phone bills that belong to a male coworker that she claims she doesnt know. I noticed the number this year. Fast foward to the present, shes been living in an extremely overpriced apartment she can barely afford. We still share the same phone bill and she insists on keeping our gps locaters on them during the seperation. We have also been attending marriage counseling. We just had our 5th session and she insists that she wants to continue them. Lately we have been talking on the phone every night except on the weekends when she does not call me and if I call, which is only once or twice, she does not answer. Only on weekends. She is also saying that she is not seeing anyone else, but oddly enough her gps on her phone showed her at the apartment of a male coworker whos number i found on our bill. When I ask her about it, she claims it has to be wrong and that she swears she has no clue what im talking about. I can easily find the truth eg. go to her apartment or his apartment but the truth is guys, I want to give her the space she asks and I am afraid as to what Ill see myself. I love her so much and I feel as if shes lost and confused and I dont know what to do. When I bring up divorce, she gets upset and tells me she doesnt even want to think about a divorce yet. We spend hours on the phone nightly, except weekends where she just simply dissapears. Her phone is on, but oddly enogh it just stays in the same spot. She also has barely used the phone except to talk to me which makes me think obviously she has another phone. Ive not shown her how devastated upset and hurt I am. Not totally anyway as Im trying not to he needy and desperate but my soul and heart hurt more than I can ever imagine. She says she knows how much I love her and she always says she misses me but has to sort herself out. I do beleive she is having an affair, but why is she insisting on going to marriage counseling and has gone with me 5times? Why does she reach out to me 5 days a week but disappear on the weekends? Why if she says she doesnt love me does she not want a divorce? And lastly, ive asked her about her male coworker why does she keep denying even knowing him. Its an emotional roller coaster and im confused. I do want her back, more than anything, but another part of me is telling me im being played for a fool. some added info, no i do not help her with bills despite her saying that she has no money and I am in the marital home. Our marriage has had what I would call common problems. weve had our share of arguments, but nothing financial or anything. Mostly petty stuff. Gone on plenty vacations trips etc... My part is that I feel I have taken her for granted on many things and stopped courting her over the marriage. But I cant think of anything that would lead to where I am today. Should I keep trying to win her back by courting and dating her or should I just give up and accept the fact that shes just gone? were both in our mid 30's. Thanks Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted August 12, 2018 Share Posted August 12, 2018 :bunny: Link to post Share on other sites
BluesPower Posted August 12, 2018 Share Posted August 12, 2018 I don't know what marc's... post means, but I can tell you what you evidently don't want to believe. She has been cheating on you for a year, at least. Of course she if having an affair. Why are you even talking to her at all. You have not kids, she does not love you at all, what are you doing. File for divorce on Monday and move on with your life. Did you really need someone on the internet to tell you want you needed to do? Seriously, file and move on and stop talking to her at all... 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted August 12, 2018 Share Posted August 12, 2018 Lawyer up and file. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author bill138 Posted August 12, 2018 Author Share Posted August 12, 2018 yes i beleive that to. I guess its hard to let go after 10 years of giving my all to her man. I guess i cant just beleive it. Ive already got the papers drawn up. Im just hesistant in the hopes of reconcile. Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted August 12, 2018 Share Posted August 12, 2018 yes i beleive that to. I guess its hard to let go after 10 years of giving my all to her man. I guess i cant just beleive it. Ive already got the papers drawn up. Im just hesistant in the hopes of reconcile. Why would you want to reconcile in the first place? Link to post Share on other sites
Author bill138 Posted August 12, 2018 Author Share Posted August 12, 2018 because we shared a lot of love and memories and i am honestly still in love with her. She was always the quiet shy beutiful sweet type and we got along so damn good. all i have are the awesome meories of us and i really love her. Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted August 12, 2018 Share Posted August 12, 2018 If you really do want to win her back for god knows what reason then tell her we either work on this marriage with both feet in or you are serving her with papers. Tell she drops whatever other men she is seeing and she is in our out. Do that and maybe she will respect and for women respect and attraction are intertwined. Trying to win her back and court her as if she is the victim will completely backfire. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted August 12, 2018 Share Posted August 12, 2018 This 4th of july, she moved out while I was at work. I came home to a half empty house.Welcome to LS and my sympathies. The above is your Pearl Harbor. Hope your nuclear weapons program is well underway. You're going to need it. Women don't clean out the marital home to bring it back later, trust me. Who's paying for MC? My bet is it's you. Think about that. If you were in my jurisdiction filing would put her under the gun to respond to the court within 30 days of service or face default. Not as shocking as coming home to a half-empty house but a worthwhile comeuppance nonetheless. If you're being accurate about the 'papers already being drawn up', then that means you've ponied up a likely four figure retainer plus hourly so the investment is there pull the trigger and have her served, preferably in front of the co-worker at her job. Our sheriff does a lot of service like that. Pretty exciting. Long experience with MW's finds me opining that workplace dalliances are nothing new and very common. Is the co-worker married? Expect that the 'quiet shy beautiful sweet type' won't be recognizable moving forward. Just imagine what was on her mind as she cleaned your house out while you were at work. That's reality. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Dreamer2017 Posted August 12, 2018 Share Posted August 12, 2018 I Just don't understand you. You have a GPS on your wife and you know where she is located on the Weekends. You are now Plan B. Wake up and smell the coffee!!!!!! Get some self-respect and file for a divorce!!!! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author bill138 Posted August 12, 2018 Author Share Posted August 12, 2018 yes the papers are drawn. Had them for a few weeks. Gps just shows shes at her apt at the weekends which i know is BS. Guys i know and i appreciate the harshness and reality check. Ive just read so many stories thay people do reconcile after this. Yes i do pay for the MC. But i know you guys are right. I just cant beleive she would do this crap. I kjow i will file, but even that pains me. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted August 12, 2018 Share Posted August 12, 2018 You're currently living on hopium and denial. You getting only words which are meaningless while she in full sexual affair mode. Life is to short to throw it away on a "sunk cost". Look up the term 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Dreamer2017 Posted August 12, 2018 Share Posted August 12, 2018 Have her served on Monday. That might achieve the results you are seeking. Link to post Share on other sites
Author bill138 Posted August 12, 2018 Author Share Posted August 12, 2018 I guess what throws me off is why in thehell is she going to marriage counseling anf obviously just to lie to the counsler to. Yes her going gave me hope but why in the hell is she even bothering? Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted August 12, 2018 Share Posted August 12, 2018 I guess what throws me off is why in thehell is she going to marriage counseling anf obviously just to lie to the counsler to. Yes her going gave me hope but why in the hell is she even bothering? Words mean nothing!!!!! I've seen plenty of waywards go to MC and lie like hell. She's doing it to keep you (her plan B) option while she tries out her new boyfriend in case he doesn't work out. Stop being so naive and wake up. File and move on!!!!! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted August 12, 2018 Share Posted August 12, 2018 Selling a pro breeds confidence and righteousness. It's all about feelings. Question: Did/does your spouse drink alcohol/use drugs and, if so, did you note any behavioral changes when she did? Anything out of character with her sweet quiet demeanor? I'm not talking addict stuff just regular human stuff. I'm asking because of noticing commonalities over decades with MW's who present as ideal wives when sober but, oh my, the stuff that comes out with a few drinks/tokes. Oh, also, check with your lawyer on the ten year thing if applicable in your jurisdiction since you're at 9. Ten can matter in some places wrt support, collecting on spousal SS, etc. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted August 12, 2018 Share Posted August 12, 2018 she said thay she felt like she just doesnt love me anymore and cant get the feeling back and that she has felt that way for years. She is a very non confrontational person and never verbally expressed any unhappiness to me and I always thought we were happy. Granted she stopped initiating sex mostly with me for about the past 2 years. Absolutely don't condone what your wife is doing, as others have said she indeed seems to be engaged in a full-blown affair. But...I'd guess there were a lot of missed signs and wasted opportunities to address the issues in your marriage before she stepped out. This relationship seems to be toast but you might want to think about how you can be more connected to your partner in future ones. Having your wife go dead in the water sexually - for two years! - is a red flag one ignores at their own risk... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BluesPower Posted August 12, 2018 Share Posted August 12, 2018 I guess what throws me off is why in thehell is she going to marriage counseling anf obviously just to lie to the counsler to. Yes her going gave me hope but why in the hell is she even bothering? Because she is stringing you along... You are still paying some of her bills right. Dude, she has been using you your entire marriage. Please stop being weak and file already... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lostgirl50 Posted August 12, 2018 Share Posted August 12, 2018 Hugs ! I am very sorry ths has happened to you. It appears to me that she is having an affair and that she is unsure of where it will go . This keeping you as backup. It is terribly unfair and very selfish of her. You need to take care of you. Self care at this point is very important. I would confront her , tell her what you strongly suspect , and move on. Rip the bandaid off as it were and the healing can begin. Is it going to hurt ? Yes it already is . Time heals. Remember this isn’t your fault . Again I am sorry this has happened to you . Hugs ! Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted August 12, 2018 Share Posted August 12, 2018 I'm wondering what's going on in marriage counselling. Are the two of you actively working on problems? Have you raised the GPS situation while you're together in counselling? Link to post Share on other sites
Author bill138 Posted August 12, 2018 Author Share Posted August 12, 2018 (edited) Guys thanks so much for the replies as i feel all the input is helping me. No i pay none of her bills even though she constantly tells me she is strapped for money.I seperated our finances the week she left. She does not do drugs and drinks on occasion. When shes drunk she us a bit more lively but not over the top. The gps thing was her idea and has not been bought up in counseling. Ironically she wants us both not to see other people but yet denies the affair herself. its like she psychotic or going through a midlife crisis of sorts. she tells the counselor she is depressed and cant think clear thought the fog which does run in her family. Im just torn. I never thought i could still love her after all this but to my surprise i do, but i dont want to enable her behavior. i did the NC for 2 weeks when this started and she reached out and we just began talking since. she tells the counsler that she is starting to warm up to me again. then she disappears for a saturday or friday then its back to talking amd seeing each other again. She gets emotional when shes pictures of me hanging out with people and asks me if i am seeing anyone like she still gives a damn. Shes even slipped up a time or to and told me she loves me twice this past week and she hasnt said that in like 3 months! I know this emotional roller coaster isnt good for me and we have no kids to keep me tied to her, but this is just pure love i have for her that makes this so difficult sorry for the grammar, using a small phone Edited August 12, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Merge; add paragraphs Link to post Share on other sites
Author bill138 Posted August 12, 2018 Author Share Posted August 12, 2018 clarification she stopped initiating sex for 2 years meaning it dwindled down and she would initiate at times, but it just felt mundane and just didnt seem that into it.Id initiate it mostly and when i did she would be receptive, and at times really into it, but not like before. Link to post Share on other sites
Author bill138 Posted August 12, 2018 Author Share Posted August 12, 2018 basil, in counsrling the counsler serms more focused on my wifes depression, but does give us "homework" for example she would tild us to communicate by phone 3 times weekly and weve surpassed that by talking 5 days and even seeing each other at times. She does tell the counsler that she feels ive taken her for granted which i admit i have and that she feels she doesnt do anything she enjoys anymore which was a shock to me. like i said, she never commumicated that with me before amd now she cant find enjoyment in anything Link to post Share on other sites
WorstFeelingEver Posted August 12, 2018 Share Posted August 12, 2018 hmmm.... where have I seen a story like this before????? Oh, Yeah, almost everywhere here. Dude, she is in a full affair & is using you! Trust what others are saying here. Most of us have experience it. You are her BACKUP man now, in case AP does not work out. I had something similar, my XWife, was running around with a MM, her telling me, she was not happy being married to me anymore____as your wife is telling you. I did the same as you. I came here on LS & others told me the same thing they are telling you now. I waited and tried getting my wife back, and well............now I am divorced. My guess, is AP is married, b/c your wife talks with you all week long on YOUR phone & is available during during the week, while the AP is with his wife, during the week. Then, AP probably tells his wife, he is working all weekend, a seminar, or some other line of BS, & then your wife & AP run to a "rental" apartment or the "other" place is a buddy of his, for the weekend. Think about it______You say your wife can barely afford the apartment she is in, well guess what? AP is helping her out with payments on that apartment. AND, she keeps YOUR phone at the apartment all weekend long, probably on a charger, so you can use GPS, to see the phone is sitting in 1 spot, while she is at his place the entire weekend! You have evidence of AP phone # on your account. You think your carrier places this # on your account as a mistake? She is lying to you. You need to file & have her served & if she loves you, this WILL wake her up. She is playing a game....well now you play the game. Please follow other poster advise & file. IF you do not, we will hear from you (my guess is in 2 weeks) that you found out all along she was in a affair & does not want to reconcile. Wake up man......Good Luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author bill138 Posted August 12, 2018 Author Share Posted August 12, 2018 yea i think your right man. its just such bs this is happening Link to post Share on other sites
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