The burden of desire

[ConflictedPerson]

So, I recently got out of a ~1 year relationship (her decision to end it) and this has been cause for some reflection on some things. I am a very idiosyncratic and introverted person, and the woman I was with was pretty much a perfect match for me, in terms of understanding (and sharing) my interests, idiosyncrasies, and having compatible personalities. These are all extreme rarities, I should note; I have little to nothing in common with ordinary people. She was also very physically attractive, which unfortunately seems to have ratcheted up my standards on that front. To be blunt, I don't think I would be interested in dating or sleeping with overweight women, as I had been before this relationship (I'll note I'm not a very attractive man, very short, as in just over 5'4, in addition to being very socially awkward).

 

The conclusion both this ratcheting up of my standards and the improbability of finding a better 'match' who reciprocates interest in me - and perhaps the influence of some recent Buddhist and vedic literature I've been reading - lead me to is the conclusion that, perhaps, it is best to eschew the pursuit of romantic and sexual gratification.

 

At risk of over-philosophizing the matter, perhaps, at least for some people, these desires should not be validated and indulged, especially if they are more a source of frustration and despair than of any sort of satisfaction, but treated as burdens to be disregarded or ignored or repressed. I know the customary response is to encourage people to "get back out there", "plenty of fish in the sea", etc., but I'm not sure I agree, at least in my case, that the pursuit is worth it. For some people maybe this isn't the best course; particularly for those (of us, I would say I guess) at the margins of the human psychological/personality distribution, it is best to just accept celibacy? I am tempted to just decide to try to find sufficient pleasure in music, reading, video games, etc. and try to disregard romantic and sexual desires.

 

Has anyone tried this, and have any ideas? Does it not sound plausible that perhaps this resignation is the best response to sexual and romantic frustrations?

[HereAndThenGone]

I think in the beginning of a break up, it can be easier to take this stance as a way to cope, however, it’s likely that you’re putting your ex on a pedalstool right now and can’t imagine finding anyone like her again. I can assure you she’s most likely not as perfect as you’d like to remember she was.

 

I’m fresh out of a breakup with a guy who was slightly overweight and shorter than me - two things I would have told you were a deal breaker a couple years ago, when I was frequenting loveshack trying to cope after my previous relationship ended. My ex ex bf could have come straight out of a fitness magazine.

 

I guess what I’m trying to say, at least from a girls perspective, is that attraction isn’t all about looks. You sound smart and inquisitive. I’m an introvert too so I feel you there but sometimes opposites attract. You have a lot to offer someone else, it just might take a little bit of time to see that.

[Els]

You should do whatever you want, just don't complain about the consequences thereof.

[guest569]

I think in the beginning of a break up, it can be easier to take this stance as a way to cope

 

True. If you've had a great relationship, it can be hard to imagine ever finding that again. It's ok to just find other things that make you happy for a while. My guess is that in time you will get past this and get back out there. Sometimes it is easier to stay alone than go through the pain of dating people who just aren't any good and remind you of what you lost.