Getting an Ex Back

[The_Wanderer]

Hey everybody, it's been about a year since my ex and I broke up and just to give a quick backstory.

 

We are both young (in our early 20s), we had been together since we were 16-17 in high school and shared a lot of common interests with each, just to name a few: same political views, same music taste (50s, 60s), both into history, photography and all things creative.

 

She was the one who initiated the break up after about half a year of rough relations. We didn't necessarily fight or were mean to each other, but I had been going through some depression, at times ignored her unintentionally for week at at time and wasn't emotionally there for her. When we broke up, she mentioned that she needed space to find happiness and focus on school.

 

Unfortunately, I never quite gave her space and occasionally every month or so would try and message / reach out to her which I think really in a sense delayed and messed with my chances of reigniting something with her as I see now (not at the time), my attempts could've even came off as minor harassment, something entirely unintentional.

 

I'D LIKE TO MAKE IT CLEAR, there is no issue of moving on. Over this year, her and I have been with other people. I no longer feel desperate or sad to be without her, but looking back at the memories and seeing a few updates in her life every now and then on social media, she is someone I still love and would very much like to be with. I care a lot about her still and there are many things that I just haven't been able to find in other women that made her stand out among many others.

 

So here is where I need some advice. I will be seeing her at college this September and I am wondering if there is a friendly / casual way of approaching and asking if she would be interested in a relationship or being friends again without coming off as desperate, needy or violating her space if she doesn't want to talk.

 

Thank you.

Edited August 12, 2018 by The_Wanderer

[d0nnivain]

Maybe but I say that Very reluctantly & caution you that it's extremely unlikely.

 

Your best bet is to play it cool. If you see her on campus, smile & say hello but keep moving. Do not initially stop to engage. If you have no other choice, keep it light & short under 5 minutes & say nothing about getting back together. Act like you got it all going on & that you are fine without her. Let her wonder. As the semester wears on, talk a bit more about neutral subjects but only when you see her in person. Do not reach out on any technology platform -- text, PM, IG, voice, Snapchat etc. No. NO. No. Just no. In person "accidentally" only. You can reply with as few words as possibly directly to any query she sends you but you can't initiate.

 

If you get positive responses from that and she seems to be leaning in to borrow a phrase, around October you may be able to ask her to do something with you, but make sure it's a non-date, like ask her to study or grab something to drink spontaneously at the student center. At most you can ask her to dance if you see her out at a party.

 

Meanwhile you need to be exploring your options & getting to know other coeds at school. Get involved in activities that interest you. Expand your social horizons.

 

Maybe by the holidays if you are both interested and you have addressed & fixed all the issues that broke you up in the first place, then & only then can you try getting back together. For your sake, I sincerely hope you found a new college GF by then.

[The_Wanderer]

Maybe but I say that Very reluctantly & caution you that it's extremely unlikely.

 

Your best bet is to play it cool. If you see her on campus, smile & say hello but keep moving. Do not initially stop to engage. If you have no other choice, keep it light & short under 5 minutes & say nothing about getting back together. Act like you got it all going on & that you are fine without her. Let her wonder. As the semester wears on, talk a bit more about neutral subjects but only when you see her in person. Do not reach out on any technology platform -- text, PM, IG, voice, Snapchat etc. No. NO. No. Just no. In person "accidentally" only. You can reply with as few words as possibly directly to any query she sends you but you can't initiate.

 

If you get positive responses from that and she seems to be leaning in to borrow a phrase, around October you may be able to ask her to do something with you, but make sure it's a non-date, like ask her to study or grab something to drink spontaneously at the student center. At most you can ask her to dance if you see her out at a party.

 

Meanwhile you need to be exploring your options & getting to know other coeds at school. Get involved in activities that interest you. Expand your social horizons.

 

Maybe by the holidays if you are both interested and you have addressed & fixed all the issues that broke you up in the first place, then & only then can you try getting back together. For your sake, I sincerely hope you found a new college GF by then.

 

Just came across your response now. Appreciate the advice, it's definitely a difficult situation because when we broke up I was an absolute mess and it really portrayed an off-putting, weak, desperate and almost obsessive version of myself that wouldn't leave her alone that made her so turned off that even saying "Hi, how's it going?" over a a text would render her to either ignore it or just say "Stop contacting me, please." which is entirely understandable.

 

To be honest, I wish I could just walk up to her and say "Hey, if I could just grab 10 minutes of your time, it would change your whole out look on me". It really would change her perception of me which is ultimately the reason why she feels the need to ignore and never speak to me again. Sounds stupid, but its a little like bad first impressions, but in this case — bad last impressions. I know for a fact she definitely ceases to talk to me because of the way I was and she likely still believes that I am probably the same way.

 

It's kind of like when a protagonist in a story is trying to tell all the other characters they truthfully didn't do something and rest act like he/she is pulling their tail. You can't tell an ex over text "Hey I changed, I just hit a really bad spot" and expect them to be like "Oh, awesome, lets get back together", especially if she was hurt by it. That's all I have to say.

[Marc878]

Just came across your response now. Appreciate the advice, it's definitely a difficult situation because when we broke up I was an absolute mess and it really portrayed an off-putting, weak, desperate and almost obsessive version of myself that wouldn't leave her alone that made her so turned off that even saying "Hi, how's it going?" over a a text would render her to either ignore it or just say "Stop contacting me, please." which is entirely understandable.

 

I doubt you'll get a second chance. You couldn't leave her alone so she won't open herself up for more needy cling behavior.

 

To be honest, I wish I could just walk up to her and say "Hey, if I could just grab 10 minutes of your time, it would change your whole out look on me". It really would change her perception of me which is ultimately the reason why she feels the need to ignore and never speak to me again. Sounds stupid, but its a little like bad first impressions, but in this case — bad last impressions. I know for a fact she definitely ceases to talk to me because of the way I was and she likely still believes that I am probably the same way.

 

If you'd changed you wouldn't be wanting to cause more drama. She's gone so leave her alone.

 

It's kind of like when a protagonist in a story is trying to tell all the other characters they truthfully didn't do something and rest act like he/she is pulling their tail. You can't tell an ex over text "Hey I changed, I just hit a really bad spot" and expect them to be like "Oh, awesome, lets get back together", especially if she was hurt by it. That's all I have to say.

 

Your behavior was extremely unnattractive. You are probably projecting your feelings onto her. She's told you to leave her alone in very clear terms. Going back for more will just make this worse.

 

What happens if she files an RO against you?