Pregnant And Husband is deciding if he wants to stay or leave

[Beehive]

We have been together 9 years and married for 2. He started to become distant back around February. I asked him why he was shutting me out to no answer other than “sometimes I just don’t want to talk, isn’t that ok?” I begged him to open up to me. Time passed and seemed to get better. Since October of 2017, we have been actively trying for a baby. Since it wasn’t happening after about 7 months, I started to move onto home ovulation testing and we even discussed the possibility of fertility treatment.

 

My husband never vocalized a desire not to try for a baby, nor that he was unhappy. In July I learned I was pregnant, told him the news and I could tell he was very caught off guard. We had a couple of days of excitement, though I could tell he was very nervous, I chalked it up to first time dad nerves.

 

About a week passed. I came home from a business trip, and he told me he wanted to talk. He told me that he needed to tell me that for months There were days that he did not want to come home. He described feeling unwelcome in his own home, but that he was unsure why. He felt like he was just drifting through life. He told me he loved me and I was everything he could ask for in a wife, but that there was something wrong with his brain. I begged him to open up but was devastated that he only shared this with me now, once I was pregnant.

 

I asked him to consider counseling and he refused, stating it wouldn’t help and he just needed to “work through this”. “I am telling you this now, even though I know itÂ’s hurtful and not your fault because I don’t want to snap one day and just leave without any explanation”. I felt empty and alone. I felt he was setting me up for his exit. I tried to be supportive even though I wanted to scream “we are having a baby! Why is this happening NOW?!” As my husband is not one to open up, I tried to absorb what he was telling me, but it was hard to process and it got argumentative. He cried, I cried. It ended with us having sex (I know) and him apologizing for “dumping this on you”.

 

When it came time to tell my parents and his, He was clearly not happy and didn’t express emotion when telling our parents. Both parents made comments to me on the side and I protected and made excuses for him. Two weeks ago while asking him about attending an upcoming appointment, he blew up.

 

He told me that this baby was “the biggest mistake of my life” and “he didn’t actually think I would get pregnant after trying for a while”. He became cruel, stating he had hoped that when I went to my appointment, the baby would have no heart beat. I was beyond devastated. I berated him as to how he could say these things, who even are you? What did you think was going to happen? I never would have had a baby with you if I knew this, etc. etc.

 

He told me he needed space to process but that he would not parade around acting happy when he wasn’t. I was inconsolable. The night after telling our family, he left and stated he was going to spend time with a hockey buddy. He didn’t come home until 1 am. I have him space for about a week. I became increasingly distraught, spiraling into deep darkness, I was pregnant and alone. It felt as though he had already abandoned me. He would say, I’m not trying to say I want to leave, just give me space.

 

Friday night he came home and told me he was once again going out with his hockey friends. I asked him to stay home instead, he told me again, please give me space. He went, I told my sister in law everything because we are very close and at that point I had not told anyone and it was killing me. I’ve lost 8 lbs and I’m now 10 weeks pregnant. She was furious, and asked if I have considered that he has been cheating. I told her I had, and I had asked him about if this about someone else and he said no, that he can barely get his own head on right, he wasn’t going around looking for something else. He came home around 1 am again. The following day, he spent working on the house. I asked him would he go out to dinner, he became angry.

 

He said I just didn’t get it, I was making things worse pushing him, he needed space. I asked him what he does while he has all this time to himself and we are apart or together but not talking, he said he thinks about all the good of our relationship and the bad. Then he said “and I’m trying to decide if I’m going to leave or stay”. He might as well have kicked my teeth. Stupidly, I guess, I was stunned. I expressed to him how was he even giving that an option? How in 3 weeks had we gone from happily married to him leaving? I was inconsolable.

 

He left and I cried for hours on end. Again he came home around 1 am. I asked him where he had been and he said just driving around. I was a complete mess, I begged him to hold me. I did for a short while, while I sobbed like a child in his arms. I told him he was killing me, he said he knew, but he couldnÂ’t keep not addressing his feelings. That he just “needs time to work through the noise in my head”

 

My sister in law confided in her husband (my husbands brother) and his brother tried reaching out. My husband lashed out at him and said “why does it need to be that I’m cheating or that I want a divorce, why can’t it be something in the middle?” His family now knows and have been reaching out to me in disbelief. I have told them all, please just be there for your son/brother, I never want to turn you against him. My mother in law herself said to me, stop protecting him, he is destroying you and you don’t deserve this.

 

I haven’t told my mother who is my best friend because I know she will never forgive/accept him. I have almost lost sight of my baby because I am so shattered. I don’t know how to face this. I know it sounds like there is someone else, but I just don’t want to believe that. I don’t know why I am writing this. I am trying to get to a therapist ASAP. I have spent as little time home as possible and will continue to do that. I have fits of internal rage and want to give him

 

The space he wants by leaving him, but I am terrified he will never want me back. I’m 31 and he is 38 if that matters at all. Thank you for reading. If you have any advice, I would love to hear it.

Edited August 13, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[darkmoon]

"why does it need to be that I’m cheating or that I want a divorce, why can’t it be something in the middle?”

 

 

 

I get the impression that nobody is listening to him and that family should not get involved, he needs space, he keeps saying so

[Beehive]

When I heard that comment from my brother in law, it gave me some glimmer of hope. His brothers opinion is that he Has handles this badly, but doesn’t want our marriage to end. Who knows if he is right.

 

I am trying very hard to give him space. He has said to me, you just want this to go away, and he is absolutely right. I only wish he didn’t jump right to this and shared his feelings earlier and in a different way. I will never be able to forget the things he said about our child.

 

As far as family, I 100% agree and have begged them to stay out of it. They only want what’s best but it won’t help and I’m afraid it will push him farther away. I wish I could say I regret telling my sister in law, but I don’t. I am in a world of pain and I can’t do this alone. I didn’t want for the whole family to learn this, that I do regret.

[PegNosePete]

She was furious, and asked if I have considered that he has been cheating. I told her I had, and I had asked him about if this about someone else and he said no, that he can barely get his own head on right, he wasnÂ’t going around looking for something else.

And cheaters always tell the truth, right??

 

No. Cheaters will lie lie lie until the cows come home. Have you considered that the reason his head isn't on right may be because he feels immense guilt for cheating on his pregnant wife?

 

Whenever someone asks for space or time to think, in the absence of abuse or drama, it's almost always because there is someone else. He needs to think if he'll be better off with his new GF or staying with his pregnant wife. He is playing for time to see how things develop with her, before making the leap of ending your marriage. And of course if things don't work out with her, he will come back to you and say he's done thinking.

 

Don't regret talking to his family! You said nothing but the truth. You need all the help you can get, here. If it "pushes him further away" then it's because he is allowing it to, because he won't tell the truth. And, tell your own family too.

 

Personally if I were you I'd stop being such a doormat. Don't give him the option any more. Tell him that he either stays true to his marriage vows and starts working full time to save the marriage, or he leaves tonight. I would tell him that if he walks out of the door one more time then he will find it locked when he comes back.

[darkmoon]

ok, but track him, put a recording device in his car, either you will catch him just talking to friends, or more sadly, being unfaithful, or just listening to the radio alone, be thorough, for at this stage we are guessing, and in turmoil

Edited August 13, 2018 by darkmoon

[stillafool]

((((((HUGS<> HUGS)))))) I'm so, so sorry you are going through this it just sounds awful. Finally you are pregnant and now this. Your husband coming home at 1am, needing space and trying to decide whether to stay or go all screams of AFFAIR. Sorry but it does. Maybe it would be best to tell him to leave and take his so called "alone time". At least that would give you a chance to process what is happening without worrying about his comings and goings and give you a chance to eat and rest. I know you don't want to be without him but at this point his actions are causing stress to you and the baby. If he leaves maybe he will come to his senses. I agree with Pete I think another woman is on his mind and he's trying to make a choice. Your getting pregnant threw a wrench into his plans.

Edited August 13, 2018 by stillafool

[Rockdad]

ok, but track him, put a recording device in his car, either you will catch him just talking to friends, or more sadly, being unfaithful, or just listening to the radio alone, be thorough, for at this stage we are guessing, and in turmoil

 

 

I'm certainly not Carnac and don't know what the guy is doing. If my wife came in here many years ago and asked what I am doing when I get in the truck and periodically disappear for a few hours I'd wager she would be given advise I was cheating or there is another woman ect. I can tell you I was not going to see Hockey buddies, I was not cheating but rather I have a serious sound system in my truck and I'd sit on country roads listening to favorite music very loudly. It was my moments of escape/defrag time and kept me from melting down over the mountain of pressure on me.

 

 

 

What darkmoon posted "I get the impression that nobody is listening to him and that family should not get involved, he needs space, he keeps saying so." sure rings a bell for me. I'm so sorry for the OP and this whole ordeal. My #3 son was born with his parents under extreme marital duress as well.

Edited August 13, 2018 by Rockdad

[Beehive]

This leaving thing only started two weeks ago, for a total of 3 nights now. He is a homebody, usually if we go somewhere it’s with my friends or either side of the family. He has always been a bit withdrawn, but more so in the last 6 months. He has also lost a lot of weight and doesn’t eat the way he normally does (I work full time, but I love to cook and he loves to eat. He told me he was just trying to feel less sluggish. This is something that I have bagged him over because he works long hours and I am concerned for his health if he isn’t nourishing himself properly. Yesterday his mother told me about a conversation they had when I was not present back in May. She told him how proud she was of him, and she hoped that he was happy with his life because he was doing so well. His response was, “is anyone ever really happy mom”. She told me that she kind of got upset with him, something along the lines of “yes they are, what the hell is wrong with you?” I cringed. How unsupportive. If he said that to me I would be so distraught but again I know he is adamantly against therapy, thinks that he doesn’t need to talk to know how he feels.

 

I have searched his phone records. In the past month he hasn’t been texting anyone other than his hockey pal and me with any regularity. His call log is me and his mom, and 1 min calls sporadically (he drives a tractor trailer and takes work calls on his personal phone). Of course, he may communicate via FB messenger or have broken off a relationship that happened a couple months ago, I haven’t gone back farther than July.

 

I want to save my marriage (if there isn’t an affair). I fear I may need to leave because being in the house is too much for me to bear, I simply breakdown as soon as I walk in. I need to eat and sleep and I’m doing neither right now.

[amaysngrace]

Tell your mom. See if you can live there for a while. He'll get the space he wants and you'll have the support system you and your unborn baby need right now.

 

Unborn babies feel their mother's stress.

 

I wouldn't go into too many details but once she sees you she'll know you're having a hard time. I'd take my daughter in given the same circumstances. Maybe she'll even go with you to your appointments.

[Mr. Lucky]

I am trying very hard to give him space. He has said to me, you just want this to go away, and he is absolutely right.

 

Don't agree with the "give him space" approach, that only enables him to act out more. Look, you didn't slip something in his drink and have him involuntarily impregnate you, this was a decision you arrived at together and a process he willingly participated in. As such, you should have clearly stated expectations for his action and support - he is your husband!

 

Tell your mom. See if you can live there for a while. He'll get the space he wants and you'll have the support system you and your unborn baby need right now.

 

If this option is available to you, it makes the most sense. In your husband's selfish fog, he can't see you have priorities other than his undefined needs. Hopefully a family member can step into the breech.

 

Maybe I've spent too long on these forums, but this does indeed carry the scent of involvement - emotional or physical - with someone else...

 

Mr. Lucky

[d0nnivain]

Throw him under the bus to the family, especially his side. Force him into marriage counseling for the baby's sake. My friend's neighbor was horrible when he found out his wife was pregnant. He said the worst things to her. We were all shocked. When he held his daughter for the 1st time everything changed. He's an awesome father. The whole thing just scared the bejeezus out of him.

[Beehive]

Tell your mom. See if you can live there for a while. He'll get the space he wants and you'll have the support system you and your unborn baby need right now.

 

Unborn babies feel their mother's stress.

 

I wouldn't go into too many details but once she sees you she'll know you're having a hard time. I'd take my daughter in given the same circumstances. Maybe she'll even go with you to your appointments.

 

My mother would take me in without so much as a half second pause. She already suspects something is wrong, she knows me too well. I don’t want my entire family to turn against him, which will happen. He would never be forgiven and it would add that much more stress to my situation having my side of the family know.

 

My sister in law has begged me to come stay with her. However, I think I need to be in more neutral territory in case his whole family shows up. I have spoken with my lifelong best friend this morning and we cried together, she is happy to have me. I feel so fortunate to have this support. It’s a shame it’s not coming from my husband. Thank you for helping me to this decision. I know I need to leave for my sanity right now.

[PegNosePete]

I don’t want my entire family to turn against him

If they turn against him then it's not you that would be turning them against him. It is his own actions!

 

I think you don't want to tell them because you've happily talked yourself into blissful ignorance, that he is not a total douche. And if you told them, they would burst your bubble...

[darkmoon]

husband will have to pay for the 3 of you, for a time anyway, and you both need an honest and gentle talk about what you can offer each other

[stillafool]

Right now your first thought should be what's best for the baby not your selfish husband. If his family, your family or whomever is upset with him it is of his own making. He is not taking your feelings or health of the baby into consideration so you have to even if it makes him look bad.

[bathtub-row]

Just let him go and stop fighting this. If he eventually wants to come back, don’t immediately let him back in. You’re fighting with his demons. It doesn’t matter what he’s doing or has done. You’ll make yourself crazy trying to figure it out. Don’t chase him or monitor him or anything else. Just cut him loose.

[anduina]

It sounds like he never wanted the baby in the first place and only agreed to it to make you happy. That might explain why he started drifting away in February since you were likely obsessing about not getting pregnant.

 

If you really want this baby, you need to start making plans about your future as a single mother. If he changes his mind, it's a bonus. If you don't wish a future as a single mother, you're still in the first trimester and there's another option. There's adoption too.

[amaysngrace]

I know I need to leave for my sanity right now.

 

And your baby's. I'm glad you are doing what's best for you two right now. All that cortisol wreaks havoc on your body and you need to be taking extra good care of yourself right now.

 

Maybe you can look into prenatal yoga classes to help you de-stress if you think that could help you relax more.

 

I'm sorry you're going through this when it's suppose to be a happy time. But just because he's having a bad time doesn't mean you need to be too. Screw that. Go have some ice cream!

[Orokotikki]

Listen to pegnosepete and bathtub-row and kick him out.

 

He is only hurting you at this point.

 

He can either be your husband or ex-husband, not middle ground.

Ironically, once you kick him out you will be more desirable to him.

 

anduina and others here make some good points.

 

We are all so sorry for your pain.

And yes, it does sound quite possible he is cheating.

 

You and your baby deserve better - kicking him out will either give him the kick he needs to start being the husband you need, or free yourself from a selfish jerk.

[vla1120]

First of all, I am so sorry you are going through this. My pregnancies were some of the happiest times in my life. This should be a happy time for you, too. Your main priority is your baby and your own health right now. I agree that you should go somewhere. I would pick your mom - as a mom of three daughters, all around your age, I would LOVE to be able to share this special time in their life, and your mom will, too. It is normal for your family to support you and who can blame them?? This whole situation STINKS and he picked a crappy time to have some type of life crisis. Also, I hope he is not cheating, but just know, cheaters are crafty - second phones, email addresses and social media profiles you are not aware of, etc.

 

Again, I am sorry you are going through this. The same way your mom is your best friend and the two of you are close, this baby is going to be the light of YOUR life. You will experience a love you never knew could exist. Try to enjoy every moment of your pregnancy. Wrap yourself up in the excitement and anticipation of your baby and let your support system kick in. It sounds like you have a lot of good people to help you through this. Congratulations on your pregnancy!!