What’s to going on here?

[Hockey52]

My friend hooked me up with his fiancée sister and he thought we would be a good match. We have been on 4 dates within 2 weeks. She is very shy and to herself I see and we have not even kissed yet or anything.. which I feel is odd. But I’m not that type as I don’t want it to be awkward. But she tells me good morning every day and talks and makes the effort which I like. But after last night we had the 4th date and I brought up why have you been so distant with me in person? I just want to make sure if I’m making you feel uncomfortable? She told me she is just protecting herself and it is going to take her time to open up to me her last relationship didn’t go well and she is “scared” and doesn’t know what she wants? That threw me a curve ball because it didn’t look like that talking wise and my friend told me she’s really into me? So I said no worries and ended it like that with her.. I told her there’s nothing to be scared about etc.. She also told me if you’re willing to wait if not I understand. I said it’s up to you because I will be treated as an option or one leg in and 1 out..

 

what do i do here? I really like her but I feel betrayed now.. do I just give her time and let her come to me? I don’t get it... I’m 22 she's 21. After it set and done a few hours later she randomly liked one of my instagram photos I don’t get that either?

[coolheadal]

Boy you both got a lot to learn. Your just after 2 or 3 years from being 18 and just 20 or 21 years old. Just way to new at this. She told you what she's doing protecting herself from being hurt again. If you can't accept that then you need to tell her that's your so impatient to wait and see how it develops. You already know through a friends she's really into you. Why does kissing, love and sex have to be so important to you when you know already how she feels about you. Wait and let her open up to you. If you can't wait then you need to tell her your not interested in her because you can't wait for her to show you her love for you. She doesn't want you to break her heart again. Even though it was another guy who did that not you. Wait!!

[Hockey52]

Boy you both got a lot to learn. Your just after 2 or 3 years from being 18 and just 20 or 21 years old. Just way to new at this. She told you what she's doing protecting herself from being hurt again. If you can't accept that then you need to tell her that's your so impatient to wait and see how it develops. You already know through a friends she's really into you. Why does kissing, love and sex have to be so important to you when you know already how she feels about you. Wait and let her open up to you. If you can't wait then you need to tell her your not interested in her because you can't wait for her to show you her love for you. She doesn't want you to break her heart again. Even though it was another guy who did that not you. Wait!!

 

 

 

It’s not abojt that I was just wondering especially not even a Hug?? I just wanted clarification and protect from what? She already knows I would never do that. Anyway she also said she doesn’t know what she wants. So it doesn’t show too much enthusiasm there with me.. I left it as “Okay I understand, no worries. And she said yesterday “Okay Thank you ?” and I haven’t heard from her today and I won’t say anything . It’s up to her. She is the one who is undecided I was just asking because it’s odd. Felt like I wa seeing used. She should feel more comfortable since I know her sisters husband... not sure what to do I feel so down..

[coolheadal]

It’s not abojt that I was just wondering especially not even a Hug?? I just wanted clarification and protect from what? She already knows I would never do that. Anyway she also said she doesn’t know what she wants. So it doesn’t show too much enthusiasm there with me.. I left it as “Okay I understand, no worries. And she said yesterday “Okay Thank you ��” and I haven’t heard from her today and I won’t say anything . It’s up to her. She is the one who is undecided I was just asking because it’s odd. Felt like I wa seeing used. She should feel more comfortable since I know her sisters husband... not sure what to do I feel so down..

 

Leave it be just go on and do your own thing If she comes around calling you or texting you to come over or do something. Then you get up and go to her. Let her make the moves first. See she now respects you with a Okay Thank you Your getting somewhere with her. Just give it time my friend.. See how it develops.. Because that's all you ready can do at the moment with her. I am glad you now understand what hurt means and with what happen to her in the past. Your growing into adult you both are. This helps you both be better individuals for your future!

Edited August 13, 2018 by coolheadal

[coolheadal]

It’s not abojt that I was just wondering especially not even a Hug?? I just wanted clarification and protect from what? She already knows I would never do that. Anyway she also said she doesn’t know what she wants. So it doesn’t show too much enthusiasm there with me.. I left it as “Okay I understand, no worries. And she said yesterday “Okay Thank you ?” and I haven’t heard from her today and I won’t say anything . It’s up to her. She is the one who is undecided I was just asking because it’s odd. Felt like I wa seeing used. She should feel more comfortable since I know her sisters husband... not sure what to do I feel so down..

 

Leave it be just go on and do your own thing! If she comes around calling you or texting you to come over or do something. Then you get up and go to her. Let her make the moves first. See she not respects you with a Okay Thank you Your getting somewhere with her. Just give it time my friend.. See how it develops..

[Hockey52]

Leave it be just go on and do your own thing If she comes around calling you or texting you to come over or do something. Then you get up and go to her. Let her make the moves first. See she not respects you with a Okay Thank you Your getting somewhere with her. Just give it time my friend.. See how it develops..

 

I know she respects me down she is a good girl. It’s just very odd for me especially after 4 dates and she was putting effort in and Everything.. I feel violated and offended of her even saying that to me. I told her I don’t want to be treated as an option or 1 foot in and 1 out.. so I should just leave it be for now ? I was just going by whatever I saw.. Saturday we went to the movies and she didn’t even rest her head on me or anything I tried to put my hand on her leg and I thought maybe she would at least put her hand on me etc.. I even made her meet one of my friends.. she was just so stiff... that’s why I asked it yesterday. Anyone would ...

[coolheadal]

I know she respects me down she is a good girl. It’s just very odd for me especially after 4 dates and she was putting effort in and Everything.. I feel violated and offended of her even saying that to me. I told her I don’t want to be treated as an option or 1 foot in and 1 out.. so I should just leave it be for now ? I was just going by whatever I saw.. Saturday we went to the movies and she didn’t even rest her head on me or anything I tried to put my hand on her leg and I thought maybe she would at least put her hand on me etc.. I even made her meet one of my friends.. she was just so stiff... that’s why I asked it yesterday. Anyone would ...

 

Hmm? That's odd for her to do? She's really being very protective but she's so young and so are you. Just see where it goes pull in your ego and gut. Go out a few more dates see where it goes. If you still don't see any affection with her then you going to have too say "listen I know you care about me and I know about how you were hurt in the past" but we're been on so many dates nothing from you yet?

 

If she doesn't give you a straight reason then you need to move on from that point. Also look at her eyes and moments. I hope she's not the type that only wants to go out and nothing else. Free dinner and free movies. That's something to consider also, but not right now. But whatever you do don't push anything in her direction. This one is a bit different that the normal girls. Got to handle it with lite touch. Sure you wanted her to put her head on your shoulders and your hand on her leg. That didn't happen.

 

Ask her this question?

Were you brought up in a household of to loving parents. Showing you love and affection. See what type of answer you get. If she said yes, okay then you have a chance. If she said no, no chance in hell. If she said she was unsure then that's the problem you have with her right now.

[kendahke]

She is still hung up on her ex or what her ex did to her, so she's going to yank your chain because she's not done dealing with that. I'd cut back my reaching out to her, since she's so affected by her breakup.

 

Any behavior other than reasonable enthusiasm is no interest and that's what she's got going on.

 

Next time, tell your boy to leave the cupid stuff to fate, since he doesn't seem to be aware of her emotional condition with the demise of her relationship. I'm surprised his fiancee didn't tell him not to, since she should have know what's up with her girl.

[ExpatInItaly]

I know she respects me down she is a good girl. It’s just very odd for me especially after 4 dates and she was putting effort in and Everything.. I feel violated and offended of her even saying that to me. I told her I don’t want to be treated as an option or 1 foot in and 1 out.. so I should just leave it be for now ? I was just going by whatever I saw.. Saturday we went to the movies and she didn’t even rest her head on me or anything I tried to put my hand on her leg and I thought maybe she would at least put her hand on me etc.. I even made her meet one of my friends.. she was just so stiff... that’s why I asked it yesterday. Anyone would ...

 

Saying what, that she isn't sure or wants to protect herself? How does that offend or violate you? I'm not sure I understand what you mean.

 

Telling her you don't want to be treated as an option was a bit much; you are making a big assumption there and going on the offensive for no real reason, man. Take a deep breath. I also don't know under which context she met your friend, but it's too soon for that (unless you ran into your friend by chance while you were with her)

 

I get that you are confused about her seemingly closed-off nature, but I would take that as your hint that she is not really ready to date or not that into you.

[coolheadal]

Saying what, that she isn't sure or wants to protect herself? How does that offend or violate you? I'm not sure I understand what you mean.

 

Telling her you don't want to be treated as an option was a bit much; you are making a big assumption there and going on the offensive for no real reason, man. Take a deep breath. I also don't know under which context she met your friend, but it's too soon for that (unless you ran into your friend by chance while you were with her)

 

I get that you are confused about her seemingly closed-off nature, but I would take that as your hint that she is not really ready to date or not that into you.

 

You think so she's not ready to date? Yet she's dating him. Let's say she's just being protective and seeing out things go. We already know she likes him. other wise she wouldn't have gone out with him.

[coolheadal]

Hockey52, ask her how long ago was her last relationship? How many years was she in that relationship?

[smackie9]

She's not ready to date and who knows how long before she will be comfortable with a relationship. If it were me I would run for the hills....and say I didn't sign up for this.

[Hockey52]

Hmm? That's odd for her to do? She's really being very protective but she's so young and so are you. Just see where it goes pull in your ego and gut. Go out a few more dates see where it goes. If you still don't see any affection with her then you going to have too say "listen I know you care about me and I know about how you were hurt in the past" but we're been on so many dates nothing from you yet?

 

If she doesn't give you a straight reason then you need to move on from that point. Also look at her eyes and moments. I hope she's not the type that only wants to go out and nothing else. Free dinner and free movies. That's something to consider also, but not right now. But whatever you do don't push anything in her direction. This one is a bit different that the normal girls. Got to handle it with lite touch. Sure you wanted her to put her head on your shoulders and your hand on her leg. That didn't happen.

 

Ask her this question?

Were you brought up in a household of to loving parents. Showing you love and affection. See what type of answer you get. If she said yes, okay then you have a chance. If she said no, no chance in hell. If she said she was unsure then that's the problem you have with her right now.

 

Yeah well I won’t be going out with her if she doesn’t initiate anything. I don’t think I’m crazy but by the 4th date things start to escalate because you obviously like the person etc. That’s why I brought up my issue in terms of no physical attention at all. It was so like a stiff wall. I felt like she was uncomfortable and I did bring it up. She told me that’s how she protects herself but what I don’t understand I didn’t show anything for concern she even has her sister saying I’m a good person.. So I should just wait ??

[Hockey52]

Hockey52, ask her how long ago was her last relationship? How many years was she in that relationship?

 

 

It was a year ago she told me

[ExpatInItaly]

Yeah well I won’t be going out with her if she doesn’t initiate anything. I don’t think I’m crazy but by the 4th date things start to escalate because you obviously like the person etc. That’s why I brought up my issue in terms of no physical attention at all. It was so like a stiff wall. I felt like she was uncomfortable and I did bring it up. She told me that’s how she protects herself but what I don’t understand I didn’t show anything for concern she even has her sister saying I’m a good person.. So I should just wait ??

 

I think you're very much misunderstanding what she means. My take is she isn't ready to be vulnerable and open up to anyone else yet; it's not about you specifically.

 

You can be the best guy in town but if she's still hurting from a previous breakup, your good manners or patience aren't going to make a difference.

[OatsAndHall]

It's been four dates... FOUR. That's it and you're p-ssed off because she's not ready for physical contact? She's been open and honest with you about what she wants from a relationship. You haven't been "betrayed" or "violated" and using those kinds of over-dramatic phrases is just going to push her away.

 

 

 

You've got one of two options here:

 

 

1. Check your ego, respect her wishes, be kind and date her. Don't pull a "Dawson's Creek" because she's shying away from physical contact after four dates.

 

 

 

2. Call it off. But don't mope around if you do so as, again, she was honest with you.

[Hockey52]

I think you're very much misunderstanding what she means. My take is she isn't ready to be vulnerable and open up to anyone else yet; it's not about you specifically.

 

You can be the best guy in town but if she's still hurting from a previous breakup, your good manners or patience aren't going to make a difference.

 

Well she shouldn’t be hung up on the last guy, shouldn’t have talked to me everyday and give me the impression and hearing from my friend that she’s really into me etc. This insulting me. Oh well she will let losers get in the way of me oh well goodbye then. I’m ruthless lately. I’ve been through this bs for too long. If I was famous or her favourite singer that I know she wouldn’t say “I don’t know what I want” as bad as it sounds I’m fed up with excuses. Not trying to sound like an ass but I don’t know who girls think they are these days. The. They complain there heart is broken.

[Hockey52]

It's been four dates... FOUR. That's it and you're p-ssed off because she's not ready for physical contact? She's been open and honest with you about what she wants from a relationship. You haven't been "betrayed" or "violated" and using those kinds of over-dramatic phrases is just going to push her away.

 

 

 

You've got one of two options here:

 

 

1. Check your ego, respect her wishes, be kind and date her. Don't pull a "Dawson's Creek" because she's shying away from physical contact after four dates.

 

 

 

2. Call it off. But don't mope around if you do so as, again, she was honest with you.

 

You don’t get it do you? Who doesn’t hold your hand or at least give you hug at the end of the date after everything? She absolutely didn’t do anything. Makes me feel unappreciated. I’m not talking about kissing or full out sex.. by 4 dates in that should be dam easy....

[ExpatInItaly]

Well she shouldn’t be hung up on the last guy, shouldn’t have talked to me everyday and give me the impression and hearing from my friend that she’s really into me etc. This insulting me. Oh well she will let losers get in the way of me oh well goodbye then. I’m ruthless lately. I’ve been through this bs for too long. If I was famous or her favourite singer that I know she wouldn’t say “I don’t know what I want” as bad as it sounds I’m fed up with excuses. Not trying to sound like an ass but I don’t know who girls think they are these days. The. They complain there heart is broken.

 

According to whom? That's not for you to decide. It's not a good sign, obviously, but it's out of your hands.

 

Did you consider that maybe after talking to you and going out with you a few times, she realized she's not into you? Going on a handful of dates doesn't mean she needs to continue going out with you if she feels there isn't a connection. That's why people go on dates - to see if there is something more. She doesn't owe you anything at this point, holding hands or resting her head on your shoulder included. It's disappointing but not every girl is going to be attracted to you and want to be affectionate with you.

 

You are not ruthless, but you are coming across as very entitled and reactive. You're letting your ego get ahead of you. Keep that up and dating is going to be a long, uphill battle for you.

Edited August 13, 2018 by ExpatInItaly

[d0nnivain]

Hockey52 -- At the end of my 1st date with my now husband, he hugged me goodbye. I had no idea what to do with that. It was a Monday date at a cheap Mexican food restaurant which was odd for me; I was used to weekend elaborate dates.

 

He didn't physically move to so much as shake my hand hello at the start of our 2nd date, which was lunch. I left both my hands on the table, hoping he'd at least hold my hand. Nothing. At the end of the date, as we were both going back to work I got another platonic quick hug. I saw my cousin later that night & her opinion was that because I had on a conservative work skirt, blouse & jacket I looked too corporate which is why I didn't get a kiss, not even a peck on the cheek. I was annoyed.

 

So for our 3rd date, I wore a tiny mini skirt & ridiculously high heels, very sexy. I had it in my head that if he didn't kiss me, I was going to dump him. Again I got nothing as the initial greeting. When we got to the parking lot of the restaurant he had to physically support me as I walked because the parking lot was not paved gravel & I would have broken my ankle because my skyhigh heels were not made for walking on that kind of surface. He finally kissed me.

 

 

This girl is probably still scared & emotionally broken from her break up. She likes you but is doing a lousy job of showing it. You don't have to wait. You can just end it but before you do, can you arrange a date where you have to touch to have the date? Go to an amusement park or carnival where she gets slammed into you by the rotational forces of gravity on the rides. Play a sport where you can stand behind her, wrapping your arms around her to improve her form. Go dancing where you have to touch. See if that incidental contact loosens her up.

 

Otherwise simply conclude she's a cold fish & move on. If you get so much as hand holding, take that as a good sign of progress.

[Hockey52]

According to whom? That's not for you to decide. It's not a good sign, obviously, but it's out of your hands.

 

Did you consider that maybe after talking to you and going out with you a few times, she realized she's not into you? Going on a handful of dates doesn't mean she needs to continue going out with you if she feels there isn't a connection. That's why people go on dates - to see if there is something more. She doesn't owe you anything at this point.

 

You are not ruthless, but you are coming across as very entitled and reactive. You're letting your ego get ahead of you. Keep that up and dating is going to be a long, uphill battle for you.

 

There is a connection, but it takes her “time” which is fine but she said she doesn’t know what she wants after the 4th time really?? She was the one who would follow up with me if we are going out still so she was into it.i know so. But if you can’t even give a hug or hold hands basic things I don’t get it then. She told me it’s up to me if you want to continue this. I said no it’s up to you you are the one who doesn’t know what you want. Which pissed me off because it sounds like I’m an option. If she thinks someone is better she can go for it. Fed up with excuses. She can come to me if she wants I said how I felt. Anyone would ask why are you being distant when notning is wrong especially a hug.. I don’t think I’m over reacting. She even paid for my dinner Saturday she said I paid too many times. So like I liked that but why pay and give me signs when you are going to tell me that.

[d0nnivain]

She's not a bad person. She was polite enough to pay for your dinner so she's not using you.

 

She may genuinely be confused but if after 4 dates you are this annoyed, what is the point of a 5th, unless it's what I said, a date where she has to touch you?

[Hockey52]

Hockey52 -- At the end of my 1st date with my now husband, he hugged me goodbye. I had no idea what to do with that. It was a Monday date at a cheap Mexican food restaurant which was odd for me; I was used to weekend elaborate dates.

 

He didn't physically move to so much as shake my hand hello at the start of our 2nd date, which was lunch. I left both my hands on the table, hoping he'd at least hold my hand. Nothing. At the end of the date, as we were both going back to work I got another platonic quick hug. I saw my cousin later that night & her opinion was that because I had on a conservative work skirt, blouse & jacket I looked too corporate which is why I didn't get a kiss, not even a peck on the cheek. I was annoyed.

 

So for our 3rd date, I wore a tiny mini skirt & ridiculously high heels, very sexy. I had it in my head that if he didn't kiss me, I was going to dump him. Again I got nothing as the initial greeting. When we got to the parking lot of the restaurant he had to physically support me as I walked because the parking lot was not paved gravel & I would have broken my ankle because my skyhigh heels were not made for walking on that kind of surface. He finally kissed me.

 

 

This girl is probably still scared & emotionally broken from her break up. She likes you but is doing a lousy job of showing it. You don't have to wait. You can just end it but before you do, can you arrange a date where you have to touch to have the date? Go to an amusement park or carnival where she gets slammed into you by the rotational forces of gravity on the rides. Play a sport where you can stand behind her, wrapping your arms around her to improve her form. Go dancing where you have to touch. See if that incidental contact loosens her up.

 

Otherwise simply conclude she's a cold fish & move on. If you get so much as hand holding, take that as a good sign of progress.

 

 

At least you got that, I can’t even get a hug by the 4th date and I’ve tried during the movies on Saturday by putting my hand on her knee she was eating ripped jeans, I thought maybe she would put her hand on mine or something she had her hand in the middle of her legs and her head resting on her hand on the other side. Like what........ I’m not messaging her she can message me now . It ended as I said “no worries I understand. She relied Okay Thank you ?. And now I haven’t heard all day today so far.

[Hockey52]

She's not a bad person. She was polite enough to pay for your dinner so she's not using you.

 

She may genuinely be confused but if after 4 dates you are this annoyed, what is the point of a 5th, unless it's what I said, a date where she has to touch you?

 

Doesn’t even have to be touching I could care less about kissing or sex, I’m not like that. I can wait if she’s worth it. More confused about the awkwardness no hug no notning just like a solid stone walking with me. But on text earlier a few days before the 4th how she would say come to my bed we will watch movies etc like what.. now she’s confused??

[ExpatInItaly]

It's been 4 dates, OP. She is free to change her mind about you.

 

You're taking this very hard, relative to how long you've actually known this person. My sense is you've been badly hurt before too, and this apparent disinterest from this girl is triggering all sorts of pain and resentment inside you. You have repeated you're fed up with excuses, which suggests you've got some recent rejection still swirling around in your mind.

 

When was your last break-up?