What’s to going on here?

[Hockey52]

It's been 4 dates, OP. She is free to change her mind about you.

 

You're taking this very hard, relative to how long you've actually known this person. My sense is you've been badly hurt before too, and this apparent disinterest from this girl is triggering all sorts of pain and resentment inside you. You have repeated you're fed up with excuses, which suggests you've got some recent rejection still swirling around in your mind.

 

When was your last break-up?

 

6 months ago. But yes I am taking it hard because we had something going and always some kind of excuse. I’m done being mr nice guy. I’ve been brought up to treat everyone and girls with respect sick and tired always getting kicked to the side for what ?? I don’t know know. Same old excuses. “not you it’s me” “I don’t know what I want” etc.. but losers get more success than me. I got many things going for me. Quite successful for 22 years old , but according to everyone else they seem to land with a person who got no job no interest no drive in life and I see it. Anyway I don’t know what will happen here but I’m not messaging her again she can talk to me if she wants. Her loss. I’m not an option that she needs to “think” you are either in or out I told her

[alphamale]

... I’m 22 she's 21.

 

^this is your main problem. focus on your education and worry about your love life later

[d0nnivain]

Its a tad juvenile, but why don't you sit your buddy & his FI down & tell them some of what you told us. Express disappointment that this woman seems to be stiff & uncomfortable & seems to be rejecting you. If you show the sister some vulnerability, she may either give you the real 411 (your date is not interested) or she may tell her sister to stop being a b1tch & give you a chance.

[Hockey52]

Its a tad juvenile, but why don't you sit your buddy & his FI down & tell them some of what you told us. Express disappointment that this woman seems to be stiff & uncomfortable & seems to be rejecting you. If you show the sister some vulnerability, she may either give you the real 411 (your date is not interested) or she may tell her sister to stop being a b1tch & give you a chance.

 

I already brought it up to my friend at work he said he didn’t know anything about it and will let me know. And I did do my education I’m a Mechanical Engineer .

[d0nnivain]

I already brought it up to my friend at work he said he didn’t know anything about it and will let me know. And I did do my education I’m a Mechanical Engineer .

 

No no no. You misunderstand. You need to talk to his FI. I just thought it would be less awkward & look less odd if your buddy was there. You don't want anybody thinking you are making moves on the FI but you have to get her take on things. It's her sister. Of course your buddy doesn't know. Don't take this the wrong way but he's a guy. If the lady herself won't give you a straight answer, you have to ask the next best person, her sister. If the sister gives you evasive answers, then just give up.

[Hockey52]

No no no. You misunderstand. You need to talk to his FI. I just thought it would be less awkward & look less odd if your buddy was there. You don't want anybody thinking you are making moves on the FI but you have to get her take on things. It's her sister. Of course your buddy doesn't know. Don't take this the wrong way but he's a guy. If the lady herself won't give you a straight answer, you have to ask the next best person, her sister. If the sister gives you evasive answers, then just give up.

 

 

He has already told me that her sister needs to open up a little win me. I don’t know the FI well enough.. the only way is to wait for her to message or I say let’s meet up I would like to talk in person it’s better. I don’t know anymore s

[coolheadal]

It was a year ago she told me

 

1 year ago okay,, So now your told she likes you and thinks your a good person. Okay so you start taking her out after 4 days no affection not even holding hands. Almost sounds like you two are just hanging out as friends. But wait you don't want that, you want to be in a relationship. She's not even showing it. But your told she likes you and she things your nice. Even if she's so protective of showing you more still how long are you suppose to wait. 8 days or 16 dates. Either she's not ready to date and just wants to hangout as friends without any touching each other. You need to know? 4 dates and nothing yet. You should ask your friends to ask his fiance what's up with her about you? Does she see you as a BF or just a guy friend to go and hangout.

[coolheadal]

He has already told me that her sister needs to open up a little win me. I don’t know the FI well enough.. the only way is to wait for her to message or I say let’s meet up I would like to talk in person it’s better. I don’t know anymore s

 

Oh this is the problem. But she might consider you as just a friend who takes her out just for hanging out thus she not giving you any hints for more than that. Because she's not being affectionate with you. You really need to talk to her in person and find out what's going on otherwise I think you shouldn't go on any more dates. Something is wrong after 4 dates.

[ExpatInItaly]

He has already told me that her sister needs to open up a little win me. I don’t know the FI well enough.. the only way is to wait for her to message or I say let’s meet up I would like to talk in person it’s better. I don’t know anymore s

 

Yes, I think you need to just leave it be now.

 

She knows where to find you if she wants to keep this going. Her sister shouldn't have to compel her to go out with you if she simply doesn't genuinely want to.

[Hockey52]

Oh this is the problem. But she might consider you as just a friend who takes her out just for hanging out thus she not giving you any hints for more than that. Because she's not being affectionate with you. You really need to talk to her in person and find out what's going on otherwise I think you shouldn't go on any more dates. Something is wrong after 4 dates.

 

Well yeah that’s what I’m saying I feel something is off and she said told me she obviously not thinking I’m a friend she said “I know that’s and I don’t want to do that with you. I know u want something serious and I like that about you. I just don’t know what I want.” “I mean we both don’t know if we have feelings for eachother though“ “I understand if you don’t want to wait though“ those are some things she said to me before I said I understand no worries then she said “Okay Thank you ?” now I haven’t heard from her today and not sure what to do. I’m very confused how I can go to one extreme by just asking a simple question why she has been off I feel to not even talking today..

[coolheadal]

Well yeah that’s what I’m saying I feel something is off and she said told me she obviously not thinking I’m a friend she said “I know that’s and I don’t want to do that with you. I know u want something serious and I like that about you. I just don’t know what I want.” “I mean we both don’t know if we have feelings for eachother though“ “I understand if you don’t want to wait though“ those are some things she said to me before I said I understand no worries then she said “Okay Thank you ��” now I haven’t heard from her today and not sure what to do. I’m very confused how I can go to one extreme by just asking a simple question why she has been off I feel to not even talking today..

 

Leave it like that as I did say from the beginning. She doesn't want you as a friend only and knows you want to be more than that which would put you in line of a BF for her. She really doesn't know what she wants yet. So now you need to cool it with her until she decides what to do next. Of course you can force her to make up her mind by saying this to her:

 

Listen I know you told me we are more than just friends but I need to make sure I am reading you right, yet I do understand what your saying to me. But I feel when your ready to come to me and tell me you want to date as BF and GF then you let me know. Until then I going to start dating other people and see where that develops. Bye for now..

 

Yes this might sound harsh but you need to push her otherwise you can't wait for ever. It's not fair to you nor her. 1 year since the break-up of being hurt by the other guy. Could have been HS crush who knows. But you can't take her out anymore on dates until she figures out what she wants to do.

[Hockey52]

Leave it like that as I did say from the beginning. She doesn't want you as a friend only and knows you want to be more than that which would put you in line of a BF for her. She really doesn't know what she wants yet. So now you need to cool it with her until she decides what to do next. Of course you can force her to make up her mind by saying this to her:

 

Listen I know you told me we are more than just friends but I need to make sure I am reading you right, yet I do understand what your saying to me. But I feel when your ready to come to me and tell me you want to date as BF and GF then you let me know. Until then I going to start dating other people and see where that develops. Bye for now..

 

Yes this might sound harsh but you need to push her otherwise you can't wait for ever. It's not fair to you nor her. 1 year since the break-up of being hurt by the other guy. Could have been HS crush who knows. But you can't take her out anymore on dates until she figures out what she wants to do.

 

 

You’re absolutely right! That’s all I want to know I can’t wait either, and first if all you don’t say that to someone you need to “wait” It’s either in or out. She’s worried I’m going to hurt her or something.. should I say that’s now or give it a few days if I don’t hear from her ?

[Hockey52]

Leave it like that as I did say from the beginning. She doesn't want you as a friend only and knows you want to be more than that which would put you in line of a BF for her. She really doesn't know what she wants yet. So now you need to cool it with her until she decides what to do next. Of course you can force her to make up her mind by saying this to her:

 

Listen I know you told me we are more than just friends but I need to make sure I am reading you right, yet I do understand what your saying to me. But I feel when your ready to come to me and tell me you want to date as BF and GF then you let me know. Until then I going to start dating other people and see where that develops. Bye for now..

 

Yes this might sound harsh but you need to push her otherwise you can't wait for ever. It's not fair to you nor her. 1 year since the break-up of being hurt by the other guy. Could have been HS crush who knows. But you can't take her out anymore on dates until she figures out what she wants to do.

 

 

What was also odd after all this she randomly liked an Instagram photo I had posted for a while yesterday.. not sure what that was for

[coolheadal]

You’re absolutely right! That’s all I want to know I can’t wait either, and first if all you don’t say that to someone you need to “wait” It’s either in or out. She’s worried I’m going to hurt her or something.. should I say that’s now or give it a few days if I don’t hear from her ?

 

You can say that now if you want if you can't wait on her to make a move on you. But normally us guys can't wait and then say that to a woman. I did and it turn around in my favor. Because your putting her on the spot she has to decide if you really into you or what. If she is into you she won't let you go after someone else. If she's not into you then she'll let you be... But you should really say that to her when you put you hold position like she did. Then she said Okay Thank you.

[Hockey52]

I’ll give it a few more days if I don’t hear anything. This situation is weird how it ended up like this... wow

[basil67]

What was also odd after all this she randomly liked an Instagram photo I had posted for a while yesterday.. not sure what that was for

 

She liked it because she thinks it's a cool photo....just like you would do with your own mates. Liking a picture really doesn't need to have deeper meaning.

 

I'm late to the post, but I want to reiterate that if she's emotionally closed, then she's not ready to be dating. It's absolutely your prerogative to choose a woman who's open and warm towards you....to want a girl who's emotionally resilient. She is neither.

[coolheadal]

What was also odd after all this she randomly liked an Instagram photo I had posted for a while yesterday.. not sure what that was for

 

What was in the photo you had posted on Instagram?

[Hockey52]

What was in the photo you had posted on Instagram?

 

It’s a photo of myself that’s all.. But I texted her I said

 

Hey, How’s your day been? I’m Sorry if I sounded too strong yesterday. I was just wondering that you seemed a little off. And I sensed you had something on your mind too. I’m glad you were able to tell me. Because communication is very important to me. I may seemed a little bit pushy but I do agree I definitely think we should give it some time, like you said. But I just wanted to make sure if we were on the same level.

 

She said to me “Good stayed home today. Wasn’t feeling good. And I’m glad you asked because I didn’t know how to bring it up to you. You weren’t pushy. I understood where you were coming from.

 

So what do you think here?

[ExpatInItaly]

The most you could do is ask her out one more time.

 

If she is vague or dodges your attempt to see her, it's time to move on.

[Hockey52]

The most you could do is ask her out one more time.

 

If she is vague or dodges your attempt to see her, it's time to move on.

 

Okay, What I don’t understand why if she is upset? It was a simple question which was a valid reason and feeling to ask. If she doesn’t like it she can leave now. It irritates me now a days these women think they can move on to each guy thinking they will have no issues. Relationships come with many issues, it’s how you handle it and make the bond stronger. Now a days women think they have some kind of crown on there head by dumping anyone. Not how it works I’m sorry.

[ExpatInItaly]

Okay, What I don’t understand why if she is upset? It was a simple question which was a valid reason and feeling to ask. If she doesn’t like it she can leave now. It irritates me now a days these women think they can move on to each guy thinking they will have no issues. Relationships come with many issues, it’s how you handle it and make the bond stronger. Now a days women think they have some kind of crown on there head by dumping anyone. Not how it works I’m sorry.

 

Where are you getting that she is upset? She didn't say she was upset, did she?

 

Cool your jets, my man. You're getting all hot under the collar again and she hasn't even told you she doesn't want to see you again. Take a deep breath. Relax.

[Hockey52]

Where are you getting that she is upset? She didn't say she was upset, did she?

 

Cool your jets, my man. You're getting all hot under the collar again and she hasn't even told you she doesn't want to see you again. Take a deep breath. Relax.

 

Honestly, I have been ruined before I have been through depression and I am starting to hate women because of this and it’s bro Ming very hard for me to trust them and I start thinking everything. Yeah she’s probably not upset but I don’t like how she said she doesn’t know what she wants I have heard that before and I don’t want to be a toy again. I’m trying to be calm...

[ExpatInItaly]

Honestly, I have been ruined before I have been through depression and I am starting to hate women because of this and it’s bro Ming very hard for me to trust them and I start thinking everything. Yeah she’s probably not upset but I don’t like how she said she doesn’t know what she wants I have heard that before and I don’t want to be a toy again. I’m trying to be calm...

 

In kindness, I think you would be best to take some time off from dating for a while. You are holding on to a lot of anger and hurt from the past, and it's not the healthiest place to be in when you date. It will make you come in with your dukes up (as you are now) and dating just isn't going to go well in those circumstances.

 

I had a look at your previous thread (https://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/647626-i-need-help-my-girlfriend-i-m-freaking-out) and see that you took your break-up very hard. I remember contributing to that thread now. Take your to time to truly heal from that first.

[Hockey52]

In kindness, I think you would be best to take some time off from dating for a while. You are holding on to a lot of anger and hurt from the past, and it's not the healthiest place to be in when you date. It will make you come in with your dukes up (as you are now) and dating just isn't going to go well in those circumstances.

 

I had a look at your previous thread (https://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/647626-i-need-help-my-girlfriend-i-m-freaking-out) and see that you took your break-up very hard. I remember contributing to that thread now. Take your to time to truly heal from that first.

 

 

I understand.. and I am fine now just some things trigger my emotions and I see things I don’t like that I have seen before and no matter how long I take off if I do, won’t matter because if the problems come up again it will ignite my anxiety again. I just don’t want to be wasting my time again, that’s all it is. I want the intention to be real..

[ExpatInItaly]

I understand.. and I am fine now just some things trigger my emotions and I see things I don’t like that I have seen before and no matter how long I take off if I do, won’t matter because if the problems come up again it will ignite my anxiety again. I just don’t want to be wasting my time again, that’s all it is. I want the intention to be real..

 

I don't think so, and I'll explain why: you might not want to be with your ex anymore and have accepted it's over. I do believe you on that. But, the bruise of the break-up has not yet gone away to the point that you are not extremely sensitive to a perceived rejection (key word is perceived, since there is no confirmation yet) and projecting all of your hurt onto this specific situation.

 

You are always going to find people, places and events that trigger your anxiety and upset you. Dating is inherently risky, since it's not always going to result in a relationship. The problem here is that you have no clue how to manage your anxiety without slipping into these angry and ultimately self-destructive rants. That is what you need to focus on - dealing with uncertainty and possible disappointment.

 

It would also be a good idea to work on your self-esteem. My assumption is that you don't feel good about yourself so you become very upset when someone (maybe) just doesn't take the same interest in you that you do in her. It happens, but someone with solid self-worth would say, "Well, that sucked, but at least it was only 4 dates and I can move on."