Dysfunctional family and anxiety...

[starlight8]

Hi everyone,

I'm a bit nervous about posting my first ever post here but I thought I would give it a shot, not sure what for exactly but maybe a bit of support, or people to talk to? I figured it can't hurt, anyway. I apologise if it comes out a bit rambling or doesn't make much sense, I'm having a bit of trouble clearing my head and articulating my thoughts. Sorry in advance if it gets too long, too.

 

Not sure where to start but....Basically I'm pretty much estranged from my family. They're as dysfunctional as you can get. Very unpleasant breed of dysfunction, and the type where: nothing works to help. Believe me, I've tried it all over the years and every endeavour always resulted in me being disappointed, getting caught up in new dysfunction, and then rinse and repeat.

 

But....now, I am in my late 20's, I've (finally!!) reached the end of my medical degree (only 9 months to go until I qualify...). Life on the professional front is all going well. Sometimes I still can't believe it. I left home at 18 and it's been 10 years of not only the usual trials and tribulations that come with early adulthood and becoming independent but a whole host of other unpleasant challenges along the way, dealing with trauma, ptsd, a family that knows no boundaries or respect, anxiety, depression.

 

Now, through going to therapy and doing much work on myself over the years, and educating myself thoroughly on mental health issues, dysfunctional family patterns, unhealthy relationships...I can finally say I feel I have reached a point where I am better equipped in life generally.

 

But, what has been incredibly difficult is that along the way, I've had to slowly cut ties with more and more family members after trialling out new boundaries, new dynamics that are more healthier which a professional therapist opened my eyes to, and realising it just wasn't workable. I'm not sure how many times I tried it correctly, if ever at all, but I can say I took what a professional taught me and tried my best with it, with the knowledge I had at the time, each time. This year, I had to make the biggest decision to enforce stricter boundaries with one particular family member who I kept holding out on - I kept thinking that if I had hope, and faith, and helped them in ways I'd been helped along the way, maybe they might become healthier: for themselves so they could make better decisions and I'll admit, partly also for me, so we could have a better relationship too. But it just didn't work. No matter how much help and support I gave them, this particular individual kept wanting things on their terms, which meant: no boundaries, behaving erratically and on a basis of gaining immediate gratification at all times, and having others mop up their mess for them.

 

Eventually, I admitted defeat and listened to all my friends and therapist who kept encouraging me to stop behaving like an enabler and withdraw, to make them face up to consequences more. So I did that, starting a year ago.

 

My life has become easier since: I've found I have more time to think about myself and my studies, and my part-time job and my own problems.

 

On the other hand though, especially now as it's summer holidays, I do feel quite empty and alone, as there isn't an awful lot going on to occupy my mind.

 

Since I slowly withdrew from them, I've found my mind keeps thwarting to the past a lot, remembering every time I've felt my heart pound and my anxiety levels shoot up when I would get a call or text from this person, or I would go visit them, and yet another new situation had arisen where they needed my help to get them out of yet another sticky situation, or give them money, or offer them accommodation. I don't know if it's my mind's way of processing it, but it becomes unbearable, which is why I decided to post on here. Maybe venting and releasing it will help, I don't know? I do daily exercise and keep my diet healthy, and try to see and talk to friends often, all of which helps. But the anxiety is there still, especially in the mornings, where it feels particularly heavy, like life will never get better, and a sense of impending doom and as though terrible things are definitely going to happen.

 

I'm just scared this will carry on forever, and the loneliness and empty feeling now I no longer have this person will consume me and drive me mad.

 

Sorry this post is so long, thanks to anyone who managed to read up until the end. Any comments at all would be much appreciated, even just to have someone to talk to anonymously would be nice.

[d0nnivain]

As you advance in life build your own family . . .surround yourself with caring friends.

 

Try making gratitudes lists so you see concrete evidence of good things in your life.

[Mr. Lucky]

Sometimes I still can't believe it. I left home at 18 and it's been 10 years of not only the usual trials and tribulations that come with early adulthood and becoming independent but a whole host of other unpleasant challenges along the way, dealing with trauma, ptsd, a family that knows no boundaries or respect, anxiety, depression.

 

You left home at 18 and put yourself through medical or nursing school?

 

Mr. Lucky

[starlight8]

You left home at 18 and put yourself through medical or nursing school?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Yeah, I moved to another city at 18. At first I studied something else and had a job for a couple of years before medical school.

[Mr. Lucky]

Yeah, I moved to another city at 18. At first I studied something else and had a job for a couple of years before medical school.

 

Pretty amazing accomplishment and should be proof in itself of your ability to leave the negative stuff behind.

 

Have you tried yoga or meditation? I'm sure you have a pretty full plate, but what do you do for exercise?

 

starlight8, you're obviously a capable and successful person yet prevented somehow from seeing yourself that way. Hope you find the missing pieces...

 

Mr. Lucky

[starlight8]

Pretty amazing accomplishment and should be proof in itself of your ability to leave the negative stuff behind.

 

Have you tried yoga or meditation? I'm sure you have a pretty full plate, but what do you do for exercise?

 

starlight8, you're obviously a capable and successful person yet prevented somehow from seeing yourself that way. Hope you find the missing pieces...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Thank you so much. It's pretty strange, I do find it difficult to see myself like that and reading your message of kindness gave me a lump in my throat.

 

I have done yoga in the past and found it very helpful, but currently I feel in a bit of a dazed state, so I mostly just go on long walks and surround myself in nature. It's about as much exercise as I can handle currently and I'm trying to be kind to myself and remember the words of my therapist - in the past when I've had more energy, I've done yoga, swimming and cardio classes but I'm using this time off to rest a bit more and try to give myself a break. I'm getting weekly therapy sessions which are really helpful, but sometimes I find so much triggers me off that it's like trying to contain a lot of crap in an overflowing box.

 

This morning for example, in the shared house that i live in, someone work up early for work - as is pretty standard, and I could hear their footsteps and conversations and the water running when they had a shower. It got me so anxious, as it reminded me of times in the past - many memories that i just pushed aside to focus on the present - when I was young, and obnoxious, angry relatives would come stomping around the house, or I'd overhear conversations from the safety of my room - which would signal that some kind of danger was looming. Usually some new mess as a result of dysfunctional behaviour, and it would impact on the WHOLE family, and I would constantly bear witness to all the details and fall-outs. As a kid, I felt powerless, and my heart would pound and I'd feel on edge - it happened so frequently that as a way of coping and taking 'control', I decided i should be the one to fix things so then at least I could somehow navigate the situation and control the outcome.

 

Of course, this isn't healthy and far too much for a child to handle. I'm working through it with therapy. Slowly..

 

I hope you don't mind that I shared this detail with you in my reply, I just sort of feel an overwhelming urge to finally get out of my system things that make me anxious, and everyday things that trigger that, and this is one that happened this morning. I hate that now it feels like pandora's box has been opened, I can't control the triggers, or other people's behaviours that are reminiscent of past memories and which make me feel like that nervous, helpless child all over again.

 

But...I have my coping strategies. I've planned a girly evening with some friends tomorrow, for which I'm gonna cook a Mediterranean feast (my speciality!) - I'm excited to get all the ingredients and do all the chopping and roasting...haha sounds a bit lame but cooking really can be therapeutic and fun.

 

Thanks again for your reply, and I'm sorry to just blurt out so many things. It really does feel overflowing in my brain....maybe all these years of pushing it aside to focus on studies meant that I was just clogging up my system and now, my mind has sort of had enough and wants rid of it. Who knows? That's certainly what it feels like anyway, if that makes any sense.

[Mr. Lucky]

Off the wall question but do you live somewhere where marijuana is legal?

 

I ask because I have a friend who suffers from crippling anxiety and pot is the only thing (according to him) that has helped. He's a successful guy, about as far from the laid-back pothead image one can get...

 

Mr. Lucky

[starlight8]

Off the wall question but do you live somewhere where marijuana is legal?

 

I ask because I have a friend who suffers from crippling anxiety and pot is the only thing (according to him) that has helped. He's a successful guy, about as far from the laid-back pothead image one can get...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

 

It's not legal but pretty rampant in the city I live, even the police ignore it now. Therapist said though that as part of facing up to the past, I have to see it through and that turning to drugs/drink are avoidant tactics and would set me back further.

 

I have this book by Paul David 'at last a life' on anxiety - have you ever heard of him? His idea is that anxiety is built up stress and energy and that in order to be rid of it, you should live alongside it when it arises and be OK with it and eventually it will leave you, the more you 'allow' it and don't fight back or try to feel better quickly. It's been pretty helpful, I'm trying out some of his advice. It's just a bitch to sit with horrible feelings!!

[Mr. Lucky]

I have this book by Paul David 'at last a life' on anxiety - have you ever heard of him? His idea is that anxiety is built up stress and energy and that in order to be rid of it, you should live alongside it when it arises and be OK with it and eventually it will leave you, the more you 'allow' it and don't fight back or try to feel better quickly. It's been pretty helpful, I'm trying out some of his advice. It's just a bitch to sit with horrible feelings!!

 

Interesting theory and no, not familiar to me. I really had no experience with anxiety until my friend had his breakdown, I'd always assumed as an adult we should somehow manage our feelings responsibly. His situation made me understand that for some, they carry a silent extra burden the rest of us blissfully ignore. It was an eye opener because, like you, he's an achiever...

 

Mr. Lucky

[starlight8]

Interesting theory and no, not familiar to me. I really had no experience with anxiety until my friend had his breakdown, I'd always assumed as an adult we should somehow manage our feelings responsibly. His situation made me understand that for some, they carry a silent extra burden the rest of us blissfully ignore. It was an eye opener because, like you, he's an achiever...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Yeah, I had the same mentality up until medical school, when things came crashing down on me. Or, at least I thought I did.

I'm not sure about your friend, but the thing I realised with 'achievers' as you said - and here, I'm talking about the common problems faced by friends I've met in university - is there's an element of being used to being 'in control'. You're used to being able to get things done, used to success, (e.g. at school, getting good grades)....until you're not. And not being used to non-success when you haven't had much experience of it can be a shock. It sounds almost spoilt and in a way there is a childish element to it.

 

Meh, in the end, there is no one way in life that comes free of trials and tribulations.