Maintaining two homes - dealbreaker for most men?

[Artdeco]

ArtDeco, I understand exactly where you are coming from. I thoroughly enjoyed my years of living alone.

 

 

 

I know it's old-fashioned, but for me, if the commitment isn't marriage, I'm not commingling any funds or acquiring joint assets.

 

The ideal end game for bf will be marriage, and I’m on board with that per se.

I’m just having a hard time with the idea of being together 24/7, that’s all. As far as commingling assets is concerned, I’d definitely be the one who gains more from that than he would. I’m doing quite well financially, while he’s much better off, tbh. If I were concerned about money, I’d seriously move in together like yesterday.

[Gaeta]

I found it got old having to pack a bag to take back and forth to stay the night at his place and vice versa, having to stop over at his place to get something he forgot to bring with him, you go home together at the end of the night rather than having to drop one of you off somewhere else, you combine your living costs, etc.

 

 

It doesn't have to work that way.

 

 

 

My BF has a dresser here with drawers full of clothes for all types of weather and has a shaving kit personal toiletteries here and a double at his home. He never carries a bag. If he feels like being on his own he just gives me a call when he finishes work and let me know he'd be heading to his home. Not complicated at all.

[clia]

It doesn't have to work that way.

 

My BF has a dresser here with drawers full of clothes for all types of weather and has a shaving kit personal toiletteries here and a double at his home. He never carries a bag. If he feels like being on his own he just gives me a call when he finishes work and let me know he'd be heading to his home. Not complicated at all.

 

You said above your boyfriend hasn't been to his home in two months. So, you are essentially living together at your place. OP said she doesn't want to be living with someone 24/7.

 

I guess your situation is more unique since from the beginning you two seemed to be at your place all the time. I recall you hadn't even been to his place yet at like a year into your relationship. Most people I know who are in relationships tended to take turns going to each other's place, just to be fair. For me, I wouldn't want to have to be packing a bag every weekend to go to my boyfriend's house and have to anticipate everything I might want to do or wear for the entire weekend on an ongoing, indefinite basis. Personally, I think it would get old. I guess your boyfriend doesn't mind. (And he probably doesn't have as many shoes and clothes as I do!)

[Els]

The ideal end game for bf will be marriage, and I’m on board with that per se.

I’m just having a hard time with the idea of being together 24/7, that’s all. As far as commingling assets is concerned, I’d definitely be the one who gains more from that than he would. I’m doing quite well financially, while he’s much better off, tbh. If I were concerned about money, I’d seriously move in together like yesterday.

 

But many of us are trying to tell you that living together does NOT necessarily involve "being together 24/7"! Lots of couples live together but have personal time and space when they want it. We certainly do.

 

Or, are you afraid that he won't respect your personal time and space when you move in together?

 

If you are "on board" with marriage but not living together, how do you envision that would work? You would get married on paper but still shuttle back and forth to each others' houses?

[No_Go]

Rereading this thread pops into my mind one thought: people on the camp of living together are usually in earlier stage of their life when they meet and don't have too many individual assets (i.e. the concept of 'building life' i.e. building assets together), or have been in live-in LTR before and are used to this lifestyle (i.e. haven't lived alone for long).

 

For the ones out of these two groups living together or not doesn't make any difference, considering the couple has no kids.

 

I bet if counting the responses this will prove true. Which will prove my point that the closeness simulated by living together is strictly due to practical advantages (2 incomes flowing into one home and / or convenience for dates / sex). Not romantic but I believe that is it.

[Art_Critic]

I never once moved in with a girl because of financial reasons...I normally paid all the bills anyhow as I already had a home(s).

 

My ExW.. we didn't move together until we were married as she had a child and at that point I became her Step Dad then we moved in together.

My current wife we moved in as we were getting married, we then sold her home.

 

I don't think maintaining 2 homes is inconceivable.. we have 2 homes now, just a log cabin in the mountains but we live together as husband and wife and visit the cabin together.

but to have a home to keep the commitment phobia from creeping in might be a bit overkill....

[No_Go]

Maintaining two (or more) houses is definitely doable, even if the couple moves in and rents on of the houses is probably a big financial plus.

 

Becoming parents / stepparents obviously changes the game. I just don't get the relationship advantage of living under the same roof for a childless couple. I see the practical advantage but not how this improves 'closeness'.

 

I never once moved in with a girl because of financial reasons...I normally paid all the bills anyhow as I already had a home(s).

 

My ExW.. we didn't move together until we were married as she had a child and at that point I became her Step Dad then we moved in together.

My current wife we moved in as we were getting married, we then sold her home.

 

I don't think maintaining 2 homes is inconceivable.. we have 2 homes now, just a log cabin in the mountains but we live together as husband and wife and visit the cabin together.

but to have a home to keep the commitment phobia from creeping in might be a bit overkill....

[Chilli]

Is this what your friends/your brother say? Are they afraid of commitment?

Not sure if it’s true for me. I’ve had multiple LT relationships, and I’ve never felt that I wasn’t committed, but it’s also true that I’ve never lived with anybody full time. And when you say your brother is in a 20+ Year R, that does sound committed to me. Despite the two homes. Hmmmm.

 

 

 

No way , as l said they like their freedom they'd rather be shot than shack up remember.

My bro for example , can't wait for her to come up again but a week later he can't wait for her to leave.

Want's he's space again.

Said to him one day you ever gonna marry her he says bs, why fix what ain't broken.

She would def' marry though and wanted kids earlier, to late now though. l feel a bit bad for her she'd be a great mum.

 

But just sayin that's just some, not all , the majority have steady gf's or been married for years.

[Artdeco]

No way , as l said they like their freedom they'd rather be shot than shack up remember.

My bro for example , can't wait for her to come up again but a week later he can't wait for her to leave.

Want's he's space again.

Said to him one day you ever gonna marry her he says bs, why fix what ain't broken.

She would def' marry though and wanted kids earlier, to late now though. l feel a bit bad for her she'd be a great mum.

 

But just sayin that's just some, not all , the majority have steady gf's or been married for years.

 

See, I’m similar.

Love spending time with bf, even long periods, but always very happy to be in my own place, my own space. It’s priceless. Not interested in other guys, at all, just happy with myself, after a weekend, or a trip, or whatever together.

[AMarriedMan]

I love my boyfriend, and I want to be with him, however, I don’t see ourselves living together. I just can’t imagine living with anybody 24/seven. It’s just not what I’m used to, and I also don’t miss the daily interaction, or “coming home to somebody after a hard day of work” at all. I enjoy being with him very very much, and whenever we are together it’s truly beautiful. We talk on the phone multiple times a day. I like his company. We get along great. Romance is still there. I think living together will just change our relationship dynamic as we know it - to something I probably don’t want. I’ve never lived with anybody at all, except for my college years (I had a roommate, and we got along fine).

 

After college and grad school I bought my own home, and I’ve lived in that house ever since. 15+ yrs. I like my space, I love having friends over, but I just don’t want to share my house with anybody else full time. I’ve had boyfriends before, serious relationships, but I never actually lived with anybody. This relationship is different. My boyfriend kind of wants to move in, or purchase something together that we both like, but I think I won’t be able to bring myself to do it. I hope he will understand that, if not, we will have a tough decision to make. I really don’t want to break up, but I’m very set in my ways, and I like my life. I like to come home after work, do some gardening , relax with a hot bath, have a glass of scotch, read some, simple stuff like that. I just like my quiet time. I love being with him, more than anybody else I’ve met before, and we’ve been together for quite some time now, but I prefer things to be scheduled, like “let’s meet for dinner”. I also spend weekends at his place and he spends weekends at my place, or even multiple weekdays in a row....It’s not that I don’t want him around, I just can’t imagine not having my own place. That’s all.

 

Does anybody have experience with that? Most couples do want to move in together, so I don’t have any friends that really understand my predicament here. I’m also in my early 40s. Maybe that’s part of it. I don’t need a guy. I don’t need a husband. I don’t want a family/kids. My life is almost perfect the way it is. He’s just adding so much more to my life that I really appreciate.

 

I don’t want him to feel rejected. I love him. We’ve discussed the topic before, and he wasn’t exactly thrilled about my POV. After getting out of a relatively long-term M, you would think he’d appreciate his space!?! Not.

 

If my wife and I ever got divorced, I think that type of setting would probably be the only kind I'd want. No shared home, no mixing of finances, no children together, no agendas of any kind. The sole reason for spending time together being us both liking each other's company. I might want to travel with her but live, absolutely not. I don't have the hormones or the lack of life experience of a young man. The times when I was capable of the type of infatuation where you yearn to spend every waking moment with your lover are over or at least I think so.

 

The risk in this type of arrangement is that you never know how the other person's feelings might develop.

[Artdeco]

Crunch time! Things are getting real now. He has gotten a - quite good - offer on his house, which, oddly enough, wasn’t officially listed, but since he knows the local realtor Community really well, this has somehow developed into a real offer. He hasn’t accepted/responded yet, but as things stand, he – if he decides to sell – would be without a home by March/April - Provided everything goes well with the appraisal, etc. So here we go. My biggest fears are coming true.

 

While he hasn’t accepted the offer yet, it is a standing offer, and I know he would take it in a heartbeat. But where are we going from here? There is only two solutions:

 

1) i’m inviting him to move in with me (I have enough room for his stuff) - He’d like that; It’s been his intention all along to live together.

2) I’m telling him to look for something else in the meantime, maybe to rent. He’d dislike that, would feel rejected - this wouldn’t be good for the relationship.

[Mr. Lucky]

Sounds like a pretty simple equation - is the reward of living together worth the risk to your need for space? We can speculate all day long but only you can truly answer.

 

How about a 6-month trail run where you both agree, at the end of that time, either party can veto the ongoing deal?

 

Mr. Lucky

[salparadise]

It sounds like a serious incompatibility to me. I can't imagine getting to a certain point in a relationship only to be told, nah, not interested in living with you.

 

I met a woman a couple of years ago and we had gone out a few times when she told me that she didn't see herself ever living with anyone. I said, well I'm glad you revealed that little tidbit sooner rather than later.

 

I don’t need a guy. I don’t need a husband.

 

I see that disclaimer occasionally on dating profiles. Instant pass. It reads as emotional unavailability, big defenses, afraid to let anyone inside your hula hoop.

 

I feel sorry for the boyfriend. Even if you eventually agree, after you've told him you're not all in how much satisfaction could there be in living with someone who doesn't really want you around? If I were him I'd have to rethink everything.

 

I realize that some couples are happy not cohabiting, even when married, but I think they have to both want it that way. Otherwise it's likely to turn into resentment, and we all knows what that means.

[Els]

Crunch time! Things are getting real now. He has gotten a - quite good - offer on his house, which, oddly enough, wasn’t officially listed, but since he knows the local realtor Community really well, this has somehow developed into a real offer. He hasn’t accepted/responded yet, but as things stand, he – if he decides to sell – would be without a home by March/April - Provided everything goes well with the appraisal, etc. So here we go. My biggest fears are coming true.

 

While he hasn’t accepted the offer yet, it is a standing offer, and I know he would take it in a heartbeat. But where are we going from here? There is only two solutions:

 

1) i’m inviting him to move in with me (I have enough room for his stuff) - He’d like that; It’s been his intention all along to live together.

2) I’m telling him to look for something else in the meantime, maybe to rent. He’d dislike that, would feel rejected - this wouldn’t be good for the relationship.

 

 

You've been together for 3 years and he's told you multiple times he wants to live together. Honestly, I think it's time for you to **** or get off the pot. At your age, it's highly unlikely that giving things even MORE time is going to change the fact that both of you want very different things out of a relationship. If you were both in your 20s I might advise differently.

 

 

 

Given that you describe this as your "biggest fear coming true", I'd vote for getting off the pot.

[snowcones]

I totally get it and can empathize. I do think there are men who feel the same way you do, but the question is, would you want them? Only you can answer that.

[Artdeco]

I totally get it and can empathize. I do think there are men who feel the same way you do, but the question is, would you want them? Only you can answer that.

 

Thank you. I’m sure there are men who think the same way that I do, but there aren’t any other guys whom I want to be in a relationship with-Other than the one I’m in a relationship with currently.

 

I understand that this is an incompatibility issue, a very general/serious one (as in: you either like it this way or you like it that way - not much of a compromise possible) - but at the same time I also think it’s an age issue, were you are set in your own ways and you like the things you like, period.

 

We love each other, but we like living arrangements in different ways. So I am probably the one who will have to compromise on this one sooner or later. And I think I’m willing to do that. We’ll see how it goes.