Maintaining two homes - dealbreaker for most men?

[Gretchen12]

I totally get what you're saying because I'm the same way. However, the amount of alone time and sense of freedom you have depends on your partner's compatibility, not so much living together or not. (If you can only afford a 1 bedroom then it's not enough space in any case.)

 

You need someone who will leave you alone even when you're on the premises. Right now when you spend weekends together, you're probably together all the time, right? That's not how couples really live long term. Also when you're at his place, you don't have all your stuff with you to do, of course you're not in your natural state and you wouldn't want that all the time.

 

Actually couples who work full time don't spend that much time together. They spend more time with coworkers. You come home and all you can do is dinner then soon it's bedtime. My parents didn't spend much time together because my mom spent time with the kids in the evenings. She only became irritated with my dad when he retired and then he was home too much!

 

Anyway, definitely don't move in until you're ready. But you can try to spend weekends in the same house but not interact and see how that goes.

[RecentChange]

I love my boyfriend, and I want to be with him, however, I don’t see ourselves living together.

 

What struck me about this statement is that you want to be with him.... But do you want to be with him FOREVER?

 

They are two very different things. I think there are many men who would be happy to date someone, and maintain two homes. As long as they didn't want to be with her forever.

 

But if he was in that forever kind of love.... Usually people want to share a home then. They want to be PARTNERS with shared responsibilities, shared triumphs, shared defeats.

 

Separate homes, means separate lives. That is long term dating, and many enjoy that. But it's not a life partner really.

 

Personally I think that is what would tip the scales, the level of commitment.

I’ve never been desperate to get married or anything. I think partly because I have never felt the urge to have children. Some women have their biological clocks ticking. That never happened to me and I’ve never regretted having no kids. And I still don’t want any. Can that be the “problem”? I’ve never felt the need to build a nest. And building a nest would mean having a partner around 24/seven. Right?

 

Sure, those can be your reasons. Personally, I have never wanted children (39 still thrilled to have none). Never pinned to be married, or even for boyfriends for that matter, causal dating was a lot of fun.

 

But man, when I met him, I knew fairly instantly I wanted to be with him forever. We moved in together because it just made sense, we loved each other's company, and joined finances. We formed a partnership, it was me and him against the world. Together 1 plus 1 equaled more than two.

 

Eventually, 14 years after we moved in together we got married. It made sense for a number of reasons, some economic and legal.

 

So what I am saying is, I never desired to nest, or have kids, or get married for that matter, but when I met him, I knew that I wanted to share my life with him.

 

All that said, due to our work hours, I probably see him for 2-3 hours a day that is not sleeping, and we certainly aren't entertaining each other that whole time. We have our own hobbies, and interests, and spend a lot of time not hanging out at the house. I have never felt like I lacked solitude (which I crave a lot of).

Edited August 15, 2018 by RecentChange

[Artdeco]

We have a similar situation going on but we both have homes.

 

So do we. We both own our homes.

Or did you mean kids? He does have children (not living with him, though, all grown up and with jobs, partners etc.), I don’t. So kids are not the issue. But I understand your POV wrt your gf’s daughter. Sounds difficult! Kudos to you for being patient and trying to work it out with her as your partner.

[ElKay]

How about living together but having 2 bedrooms where you each have your own lair and then "visit" each other in each other's rooms or zones? Life is about compromise so maybe it could help financially.

[Artdeco]

How about living together but having 2 bedrooms where you each have your own lair and then "visit" each other in each other's rooms or zones? Life is about compromise so maybe it could help financially.

 

It’s not really a financial issue, we both maintain our households, own our own homes, we both have good jobs, make enough money to maintain our lifestyles - and even if we didn’t have one another, we’d be “fine“........and probably that’s the problem in the first place, because if we had to save money, we would have to move in together. Which is not the case. Maybe it’s a curse to have too many choices.

 

But right now, to me, it’s all about maintaining a sense of self for myself, and even though I love him deeply, I love myself more and I don’t want to sacrifice the life that I’ve loved for so long. I have built it for myself. I never expected to meet somebody who would be so close to me that I would even consider changing anything so substantial.

 

He’s different. And: He has made several remarks, and dropped some hints, and has been pushing (not too hard because he knows me) about moving in together.

 

I know what HE wants, but I also know what I want. I want things to stay the same. Our relationship has been almost ideal as far as I’m concerned, but I’m not the only one in this relationship, I know he wants more closeness/commitment, and I also don’t want him to feel rejected, however, I am not sure that I can compromise on that living situation issue. And I don’t want this to be the end of it. So that’s my dilemma. ?

[Art_Critic]

ArtDeco, I'm not sure you can stick with this type of ideal arrangement without losing the other...

 

Your desire to have your own place totally separate from his for basically forever is ANTI-Relationship/Marriage.

 

I have seen couples who keep both homes but rent one and move into the other, when I got married we sold my wife's house and she moved into the house I owned when we married.

If my wife had told me she wanted to live separate from me I would have been okay with it but would have moved on to a relationship with someone who squared with my future outlook.

 

What you feel isn't wrong but I think it grows from fear of commitment and you need to work on that or risk losing the guy who has your attention.

You may have to come out of your comfort zone in order to grow and pair together with him... compromise.. in essence...

 

Good Luck..

[Chilli]

l've known a ton of guys over the years that will never live with a women and never wanted to they'd rather be shot.

But they've still usually had a gf or just enjoy their freedom and playing around. Even one of my brothers actually, been with his gf 20 yrs but they actually live 3hours apart and just visit and stop over a few days a time each.

 

Shame because the rest of your relationship sounds good but this is gonna be a hard one to work out if you can at all , because he def' ain't one of those guys.

 

Mind you , that would be if what you say you feel is really the real , tbh it sounded more like you were just telling yourself those things, fear of the C word or being hurt maybe.

Not saying it is , but it just sounded a bit that way.

Edited August 15, 2018 by Chilli

[thefooloftheyear]

l've known a ton of guys over the years that will never live with a women and never wanted to they'd rather be shot.

But they've still usually had a gf or just enjoy their freedom and playing around. Even one of my brothers actually, been with his gf 20 yrs but they actually live 3hours apart and just visit and stop over a few days a time each.

 

.

 

Sometimes you just want to lay around in your underwear and scratch your balls...=

 

TFY

[Els]

 

I know what HE wants, but I also know what I want. I want things to stay the same. Our relationship has been almost ideal as far as I’m concerned, but I’m not the only one in this relationship, I know he wants more closeness/commitment, and I also don’t want him to feel rejected, however, I am not sure that I can compromise on that living situation issue. And I don’t want this to be the end of it. So that’s my dilemma. ?

 

 

How long have you two been together, anyway?

[No_Go]

Why do you think so? IME, moving in didn't make me feel closer to the dude at the time, whatsoever. It was convenient (easy access to sex and splitting housing expenses and chores), but otherwise knowing that the person is living in the same house and doing their own thing most of the time, like most people in LTRs do, doesn't make me feel closer to them.

 

I think it is a problem of abundance - e.g. for people that can't afford their housing alone, I can certainly see how it will feel like a relief (aka 'closeness' simulation), but otherwise... I don't know. Now I talk to BF every night and I feel much better connected with him that way (because I exclusively focus on him when we meet/talk) than when I had live-ins. With the live-ins most of the talk was anyway about living logistics besides the 'date nights' anyway.

 

However - it totally makes sense for people to live together if they'll be co-parenting. This brings everything on an entire new level. With no kids... I am genuinely struggling to see the point of cohabitation/marriage, especially if the couple plans to keep their assets separately.

 

Your desire to have your own place totally separate from his for basically forever is ANTI-Relationship/Marriage.

[Gaeta]

Why do you think so? IME, moving in didn't make me feel closer to the dude at the time, whatsoever. It was convenient (easy access to sex and splitting housing expenses and chores), but otherwise knowing that the person is living in the same house and doing their own thing most of the time, like most people in LTRs do, doesn't make me feel closer to them.

 

I think it is a problem of abundance - e.g. for people that can't afford their housing alone, I can certainly see how it will feel like a relief (aka 'closeness' simulation), but otherwise... I don't know. Now I talk to BF every night and I feel much better connected with him that way (because I exclusively focus on him when we meet/talk) than when I had live-ins. With the live-ins most of the talk was anyway about living logistics besides the 'date nights' anyway.

 

However - it totally makes sense for people to live together if they'll be co-parenting. This brings everything on an entire new level. With no kids... I am genuinely struggling to see the point of cohabitation/marriage, especially if the couple plans to keep their assets separately.

 

 

I completely agree with this.

 

For us every day we make the decision we want to spend it together, not we 'have' to spend it together. It's like every day we renew our desire to be together. It might be why getting closer to our 3 years we are still very much in our honeymoon phase.

 

I feel my boyfriend is onboard with me in my life more than I felt it with men I lived with or even married with. Even though we were married my ex-husband didn't have that 'togetherness' I feel from my BF.

 

 

 

 

.

[Artdeco]

How long have you two been together, anyway?

 

Three years

Edited August 16, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Fix quote

[DKT3]

l've known a ton of guys over the years that will never live with a women and never wanted to they'd rather be shot.

But they've still usually had a gf or just enjoy their freedom and playing around. Even one of my brothers actually, been with his gf 20 yrs but they actually live 3hours apart and just visit and stop over a few days a time each.

 

Shame because the rest of your relationship sounds good but this is gonna be a hard one to work out if you can at all , because he def' ain't one of those guys.

 

Mind you , that would be if what you say you feel is really the real , tbh it sounded more like you were just telling yourself those things, fear of the C word or being hurt maybe.

Not saying it is , but it just sounded a bit that way.

 

Haha, I believe it's this 100%. In reading her posts it just jumps off the screen.

 

What I dont understand is, what's the point in making anymore efforts in this relationship. She knows what she wants, she knows what he wants and says she is unwilling to compromise. I dont get it, sounds rather selfish to me.

[clia]

You can still have your space even if you live with someone.

 

There's no reason why you can't live separately indefinitely as long as he's on board with it. However, at a certain point it just seems more convenient to be living together. I found it got old having to pack a bag to take back and forth to stay the night at his place and vice versa, having to stop over at his place to get something he forgot to bring with him, you go home together at the end of the night rather than having to drop one of you off somewhere else, you combine your living costs, etc.

[Veronica73]

I totally get it. I’d have a hard time giving up having my own space at this point in my life.

 

What about buying a 2-flat or a duplex together? I know 2 married couples who do that, and it seems to work for them. That way you are kind of living together and you don’t have to pack overnight bags and all that, but yet you each have your own space/home.

[Artdeco]

l've known a ton of guys over the years that will never live with a women and never wanted to they'd rather be shot.

But they've still usually had a gf or just enjoy their freedom and playing around. Even one of my brothers actually, been with his gf 20 yrs but they actually live 3hours apart and just visit and stop over a few days a time each.

 

Shame because the rest of your relationship sounds good but this is gonna be a hard one to work out if you can at all , because he def' ain't one of those guys.

 

Mind you , that would be if what you say you feel is really the real , tbh it sounded more like you were just telling yourself those things, fear of the C word or being hurt maybe.

Not saying it is , but it just sounded a bit that way.

 

Is this what your friends/your brother say? Are they afraid of commitment?

Not sure if it’s true for me. I’ve had multiple LT relationships, and I’ve never felt that I wasn’t committed, but it’s also true that I’ve never lived with anybody full time. And when you say your brother is in a 20+ Year R, that does sound committed to me. Despite the two homes. Hmmmm.

[Artdeco]

I completely agree with this.

 

For us every day we make the decision we want to spend it together, not we 'have' to spend it together. It's like every day we renew our desire to be together. It might be why getting closer to our 3 years we are still very much in our honeymoon phase.

 

I feel my boyfriend is onboard with me in my life more than I felt it with men I lived with or even married with. Even though we were married my ex-husband didn't have that 'togetherness' I feel from my BF.

 

 

 

 

.

 

Right? I feel the same way. Thanks!

[BluesPower]

I don't know where I am at on this... So this post may be stupid.

 

For me, GF and I want to live together soon. The sooner the better for the most part.

 

For us, neither of us sleep well without the other beside us, and we actually cuddle all night. A lot of people think that is crazy and gross.

 

But we are both highly affectionate, and frankly her body just "fits" next to mine, if that make sense. Sex aside, which is GREAT, we just like to hold each other all the time. I feel like something is missing when she is not there.

 

Now, we are still waiting to move in for a lot of reasons. She is going to teach for one more year, and she is literally 10 mins away from her school, so I get that.

 

I am redoing my house, and it is not ready, yet, I have a lot of work to do. However, if we were at my place all the time, it would be so much easier to keep the work moving. On the other hand, sometimes we spend all of our spare time having sex, with is so great, but not productive as far as remodeling goes.

 

Frankly, I don't know how to navigate all of this myself. I don't want to rush anything, but we miss each other when we are not together.

 

It is all confusing...

[DKT3]

The living situation is a surface issue, I think the root issue is two people who have different views of what kind of relationship they want. OP is fully aware of 5his mismatch, and the fact she is unwilling to compromise. So what's the point?

[carhill]

She apparently wanted to know if the separate domicile thing was a dealbreaker for most men, but then again I only read the title of the thread

[Artdeco]

She apparently wanted to know if the separate domicile thing was a dealbreaker for most men, but then again I only read the title of the thread

 

Exactly. Thank you. I just want to hear other people’s (men’s and women’s) opinions in this. And thanks to all of you who have given me their perspectives. Very helpful. I didn’t expect so many posters to contribute, and I’m surprised how many can actually understand where I’m coming from.

[Artdeco]

I don't know where I am at on this... So this post may be stupid.

 

For me, GF and I want to live together soon. The sooner the better for the most part.

 

For us, neither of us sleep well without the other beside us, and we actually cuddle all night. A lot of people think that is crazy and gross.

 

But we are both highly affectionate, and frankly her body just "fits" next to mine, if that make sense. Sex aside, which is GREAT, we just like to hold each other all the time. I feel like something is missing when she is not there.

 

Now, we are still waiting to move in for a lot of reasons. She is going to teach for one more year, and she is literally 10 mins away from her school, so I get that.

 

I am redoing my house, and it is not ready, yet, I have a lot of work to do. However, if we were at my place all the time, it would be so much easier to keep the work moving. On the other hand, sometimes we spend all of our spare time having sex, with is so great, but not productive as far as remodeling goes.

 

Frankly, I don't know how to navigate all of this myself. I don't want to rush anything, but we miss each other when we are not together.

 

It is all confusing...

 

That’s tough, but you’re on the same page with your girl essentially, so it’s just a question of time for you guys, not a question of compromising in general. You’re lucky! As far as the “not sleeping well without the other” is concerned, for me it’s the opposite. Great sex and all. Everything works well inside and out of the bedroom, but I sleep better alone. I wish it were different, but I’ve always been this way. Meh.

[DKT3]

Exactly. Thank you. I just want to hear other people’s (men’s and women’s) opinions in this. And thanks to all of you who have given me their perspectives. Very helpful. I didn’t expect so many posters to contribute, and I’m surprised how many can actually understand where I’m coming from.

 

I fully understand where you are coming from. Short version, wife and I divorced, spent 5 years apart. Established separate lives then came back together. I too had enjoyed my time alone and wasn't really excited about living together again. Yet, I understood it was important for her. I wasn't totally unwilling to compromise. Were I unwilling then it would have been no point in continuing. I drug my feet for a long time

[BTDT2012]

ArtDeco, I understand exactly where you are coming from. I thoroughly enjoyed my years of living alone.

 

 

 

I know it's old-fashioned, but for me, if the commitment isn't marriage, I'm not commingling any funds or acquiring joint assets.

[Artdeco]

I fully understand where you are coming from. Short version, wife and I divorced, spent 5 years apart. Established separate lives then came back together. I too had enjoyed my time alone and wasn't really excited about living together again. Yet, I understood it was important for her. I wasn't totally unwilling to compromise. Were I unwilling then it would have been no point in continuing. I drug my feet for a long time

 

So, that’s somewhat helpful. For you it wouldn’t have been a dealbreaker if she had preferred to maintain separate homes. You just felt you had to compromise on that, in order to keep the R going. That makes sense. I hope it worked out for you, and i hope you feel like you made the right decision. Not only for the sake of your R, but also for you as an individual. It sounds like it. Even though you enjoyed your time apart, the “sacrifice” of giving up your lifestyle wasn’t that significant in the end, and the compromise was relatively easy for you.