Why love/relationship is so much disvalue here?

[ffar]

I recently read a lot about fact of being single, lonely person. As a matter of fact I am 29 years old who never had relationship, being love, desired and I am not happy about it.

 

But whenever I read there is always some bunch of pseudo-wise people who shere nonsense like:

 

“What for you need a relationship?”

“There is more live then girlfriend”

“Learn to be happy with yourself first”

 

And other nonsense. I understand that there is more life then relationship, love and sex. Everyone does. There are plenty of things to do, like horse riding, martial arts, swimming… but how come you can put this things on the same level? If driving a bike is the same as having loving person in your life, who cares about you, is for and with you... Y

 

I have friend who is as this people advice to do happy with himself. Very happy, and last girlfriend, well not girlfriend but lover, she hoped he will be in relationship with her, he dumb and said I don’t need relationship I am happy without it.

That kind of philosophy make a men, and in some cases woman as well, to use each other.

 

Or let just say that your kid died in accident... and answer form you is "you can't base your happines on your child, learn to life with yourself, learn to be happy with yourself" same advice...

Edited August 14, 2018 by ffar

[FMW]

I think what people mean when they say those things is that you should focus on being happy with your life, engage in activities you enjoy and explore the world around you and not wait on finding a romantic partner.

 

Relationships are obviously important and can enrich our lives, it's a natural instinct for people to want to pair up and share their lives. So stay open to opportunities to make that kind of connection with someone, but don't make it the sole focus of your existence and let life pass you by in the meantime.

 

Being happy with yourself as an individual gives you confidence that others see and feel and will make you more interesting and attractive. That will make it much more likely you'll meet someone to have a happy and healthy relationship with.

[Mysterio]

We are trained from birth to death that life is about hard work and rewards. So its hard to get into the mindset of just be happy.

 

Most of my friends were not that self actualized and were super happy with themselves. Most met their SO under dark times in their life. Not when they were happy and just fine with being single.

 

I think that men that are looking for a relationship, really need to have their own criteria and go beyond sex and dazzled by a womans good looks if they really want to succeed in the dating world.

[ffar]

Well I made that post because I read about men who is in my age, and who is suicide because he can’t find girlfriend. Answers shocked me…

 

He was laughed as he must be an idiot for wanting having relationship, girlfriend. Mainly because it is wrong, bad… and can be EASY replace by other activities. What a stupid nonsense…

 

Here is post:

https://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/coping/565124-suicide-because-man-can-t-attract-women

 

And stupid nonsense that people can be fully happy without this desire with everyone has is just lie. I was mostly shocked by answers of this @katiegrl…

It can’t be replace I can tell you from experience. I do have a lot of hobbies, I am having active social life, but this is not it.

[Gaeta]

People tell you to live your life and find happiness on your own because that is how you will attract a woman. No woman wants to date a miserable, bitter, lonely man, right?

 

 

 

If you have obtained that level of personal happiness and you have problem meeting a lady then you need to look at the whys, if you have problems identifying the whys then you go get help, maybe a dating coach would be a great help for you.

 

 

 

One thing for sure, playing the victim isn't going to bring you what you want.

[bathtub-row]

I think you’re missing the point. Of course, relationships are extremely significant. The problem is, most of the ones discussed on this site are extremely unhealthy. And there are FAR better things in life than being in a bad relationship. The reason people suggest that a person get happy with themselves is because they’re more likely to attract healthy people and relationships.

[somanymistakes]

Nobody is saying that relationships don't have value.

 

But if you base your entire value as a person on whether you're in a relationship or not, your life will be a mess and any relationship you have will likely be unhealthy.

[ffar]

Thank you all for responds.

 

@Gaeta

Well it turns out that it is not the case at all. People answers are like “what for you need a girlfriend”, “Love is overrated”, “I did not know that having a girlfriend is goal” and other silly comments. All of it give an impression that you must be idiot for even wanting to have a relationship, being in love.

What is hitting the most, what I read is to be somehow fulfilled with your life with something else then girlfriend. What else? Someone who is telling something like this try to convince others that there is something that can replace this inner desire. Sure you may forget for some time, that you have this inner need, but this is not replacement. This is not truth anyway that you can fulfilled your life if you want something and you can’t have it. Of course you may enjoy other things, but there is always this space for special person, of course if you feel this inner need. If you don’t lucky you, I guess.

 

@bathtub-row

No. I was thinking more about people who have no relationship and feel not happy about it. And agree that better be single then being in toxic relationship. I do not finding myself to be a self-pitty person, but fact are fact. I have been rejected all the time on level of relationship. Girls are not finding me as an attractive men and I ending in “friendzone” and if it comes for my being able handle life I am quite confident with it. I have a lot of material goods, two apartments, great motorcycle, doing three types of martial arts, spending time with friends.

 

@somanymistakes

At some point it just may become most important thing, because you may did a lot and nothing else give you pleasure anymore. It is normal thing, when you are lonely and “waiting” for the right person to long.

[d0nnivain]

Yes it is normal to want a relationship. When you are longing for something you feel like you can't have, it's like a vicious downward spiral. You feel worse & worse, filled with more & more longing, but the worse you feel the more unattractive you become.

 

 

Thus, you get advice to find things about your own life that you do like & enjoy. If you have a spark of happiness in you others will be attracted to that. It's like baby steps. Maybe going out there & getting a relationship is too much for you right now. But you have a hobby, something you do for fun. Our advice is to concentrate on that. . . build yourself up doing what you like. Success begets success. Once you feel proud of an accomplishment, you can tackle something harder, like improving your social skills. That can progress to a relationship. It's more like the saying you have to learn to crawl, then walk before you can run.

[Gaeta]

Thank you all for responds.

 

@Gaeta

Well it turns out that it is not the case at all. People answers are like “what for you need a girlfriend”, “Love is overrated”, “I did not know that having a girlfriend is goal” and other silly comments. All of it give an impression that you must be idiot for even wanting to have a relationship, being in love.

What is hitting the most, what I read is to be somehow fulfilled with your life with something else then girlfriend. What else? Someone who is telling something like this try to convince others that there is something that can replace this inner desire. Sure you may forget for some time, that you have this inner need, but this is not replacement. This is not truth anyway that you can fulfilled your life if you want something and you can’t have it. Of course you may enjoy other things, but there is always this space for special person, of course if you feel this inner need. If you don’t lucky you, I guess.

 

 

I think they're giving you an easy answer and are not interested in getting into it further.

 

 

 

A few years back I had it all (still has) and the only thing missing was a man to share my life with. I was dead set on finding someone and I spent 3 years online searching and going from disappointment to disappointment till I find him. I was not interested in hearing anything else but encouragement. It made me laugh when people suggested It's good to spend time by myself when I had been single 8 years. Finally I met 'the one' :-) My advice to you is put all of the odds on your side. Be the best version of you, search, try different avenues, get help if needed and don't give up!

 

 

By the way my daughter was 30 by the time she met her bf. Before him it had just been a series of failed mini relationships. There was nothing wrong with her, she just needed to continued searching. If you knock at a thousand door one is meant to open.

[BluesPower]

I recently read a lot about fact of being single, lonely person. As a matter of fact I am 29 years old who never had relationship, being love, desired and I am not happy about it.

 

But whenever I read there is always some bunch of pseudo-wise people who shere nonsense like:

 

“What for you need a relationship?”

“There is more live then girlfriend”

“Learn to be happy with yourself first”

 

And other nonsense. I understand that there is more life then relationship, love and sex. Everyone does. There are plenty of things to do, like horse riding, martial arts, swimming… but how come you can put this things on the same level? If driving a bike is the same as having loving person in your life, who cares about you, is for and with you... Y

 

I have friend who is as this people advice to do happy with himself. Very happy, and last girlfriend, well not girlfriend but lover, she hoped he will be in relationship with her, he dumb and said I don’t need relationship I am happy without it.

That kind of philosophy make a men, and in some cases woman as well, to use each other.

 

Or let just say that your kid died in accident... and answer form you is "you can't base your happines on your child, learn to life with yourself, learn to be happy with yourself" same advice...

 

You misunderstand I think...

 

There are people that for whatever reason, unattractive, shy, insecure, socially awkward, whatever... These people often have trouble finding mates.

 

Maybe they are a little autistic and cannot pick up on ANY social clues, there are just a ton or reason. But in most cases, THEY are the ones that are holding themselves back.

 

Men in these type of situations, and sometimes women, get into relationships with people that want to use them, or control them, or abuse them. Since they have never had a relationship, they have no idea how it works. And therefore allow themselves to be in really unhealthy relationships.

 

This even happens to "normal" social people that for whatever reason are inexperienced.

 

And while this is a huge topic, like you could write a book about it, there are things that NO ONE should allow in a relationship.

 

Examples, lying, cheating, physical abuse, emotional abuse, and on and on...

 

But some people put up with this type of treatment because they don't know any better.

 

Here on this board and others, more experienced people TRY and explain what is happening and why it is bad for them and the relationship.

 

But like others have said, You do have to love yourself and feel good about yourself before you can really love another person.

 

You need to be a well adjusted adult to have a well adjusted adult relationship.

 

Then, you have to understand what crazy is, how much of it you will put up with, and what your healthy boundaries are.

 

All of this takes time and experience. Some people get really lucky the first time, some people never find it at all, most take several times to really learn what is what and then find a great relationship...

 

Does any of that register???

[ffar]

Well I sounds a bit like giving a script for having perfect relationship. Whole of this idea “love yourself first” or “fulfil your life without love, girlfriend” is basically task unachievable for some people. There are people who suffer for clinical depression, or bipolar disorder, anxiety disorder. I have for sure anxiety disorder, and who knows maybe bipolar disorder as well, because my mother has it and grandfather had it as well. My understanding of “love ourselves” or be happy with ourselves is not only accepting that fact, but being cured form this illness. And that is not possible.

 

Does any of that register? Yes. I am not attractive for girls, my looks is not a problem but yes I am shy and insecure about relationship, sex and love. Don’t blame me, I am almost 30 years old who never had relationship and I don’t know anyone else who is inexperience as I am.

 

But regardless of that, please explain me, why this is so often repeat that I need to love myself first? I have friend who don’t like himself, irony is that he said that I have a lot of things that make him joules about me for example discipline in action, if I want achieve something, I will get it and I won’t give up, thanks to that I have 2 apartments. But he is so attractive for girls… He had a lot of lovers, he did not even try hard to get them, they were jumping into bad with him, and yet, he did not like himself. Now he met love of his life and I never saw happier men.

[pepperbird]

op,

all too often, we are led to believe that having a relationship is the zenith of human experience, and "love" is used to excuse all sorts of crappy behavior.

 

 

It just makes sense to learn who you are, what you want and need from a relationship partner. This doesn't mean that you shoudn't still look for romance, but take each relationship as a learning experience, helping you to figure out what you need in a partner to be happy with them over the long term.

 

 

Also, don't get involved with someone who isn't a good fit for you just to have someone in your life. That just leads to heartache and isn't worth it.

[somanymistakes]

Well I sounds a bit like giving a script for having perfect relationship. Whole of this idea “love yourself first” or “fulfil your life without love, girlfriend” is basically task unachievable for some people. There are people who suffer for clinical depression, or bipolar disorder, anxiety disorder. I have for sure anxiety disorder, and who knows maybe bipolar disorder as well, because my mother has it and grandfather had it as well.

 

It's harder when you suffer from depression, obviously, but having those obstacles makes it more important to work on finding out how to live with them and accept them, rather than just counting on a relationship to solve all your problems.

 

"I'm depressed - but as long as someone loves me I'm okay!" this is not healthy because it means that if something goes wrong in your relationship you will be crushed and possibly suicidal.

 

Statistically, most relationships don't work out. The vast majority end pretty early on because you weren't a good fit for each other. You need to be stable enough to accept that, not tie your whole life to one person and fall apart completely if they break up with you.

 

Also, if you go around as "I am horribly depressed but the love of a good woman might save me, I am a black hole of emotional need, please be my savior!!!" you will probably scare people away. Desperation isn't sexy, it's terrifying. You'll come across like a drowning man trying to drag people down with him.

 

My understanding of “love ourselves” or be happy with ourselves is not only accepting that fact, but being cured form this illness. And that is not possible.

 

Well, that may be your understanding, but I don't think it's anyone else's understanding.

 

Accepting yourself and learning to live with yourself is not the same thing as "all your flaws must be corrected before you are worthy". In fact, that's kind of the opposite.

 

Thinking that no one can ever like you because you are flawed and broken is not loving and accepting yourself.

 

"Love yourself" does not mean "you have to be cured of depression".

 

But if you love yourself, you should try to find a way to take care of yourself, so that the depression doesn't break you, just like you would try to help anyone else you loved.

[BluesPower]

Well I sounds a bit like giving a script for having perfect relationship. Whole of this idea “love yourself first” or “fulfil your life without love, girlfriend” is basically task unachievable for some people. There are people who suffer for clinical depression, or bipolar disorder, anxiety disorder. I have for sure anxiety disorder, and who knows maybe bipolar disorder as well, because my mother has it and grandfather had it as well. My understanding of “love ourselves” or be happy with ourselves is not only accepting that fact, but being cured form this illness. And that is not possible.

 

Does any of that register? Yes. I am not attractive for girls, my looks is not a problem but yes I am shy and insecure about relationship, sex and love. Don’t blame me, I am almost 30 years old who never had relationship and I don’t know anyone else who is inexperience as I am.

 

But regardless of that, please explain me, why this is so often repeat that I need to love myself first? I have friend who don’t like himself, irony is that he said that I have a lot of things that make him joules about me for example discipline in action, if I want achieve something, I will get it and I won’t give up, thanks to that I have 2 apartments. But he is so attractive for girls… He had a lot of lovers, he did not even try hard to get them, they were jumping into bad with him, and yet, he did not like himself. Now he met love of his life and I never saw happier men.

 

My young man... and I am not trying to be condescending to you, but you are young.

 

Here is the bottom line, you can make excuses for yourself, or you can get out there and live your life.

 

I recommend living your life. Now let's talk about your friend.

 

Let's say that your friend is way better looking than Brad Pitt. If you put him up against you, yeah, he is probably better looking, but guess what. But if you looked at the two of you, there would not be that much of a discrepancy. I will bet that you are a good looking kid.

 

And if you are awkward, try working on one of the pretty but awkward girls. You know the ones that are really smart, but lack confidence. Let me tell you bro those girls are tasty....

 

It is not all about looks. It is about his confidence in himself. You need to do whatever you need to do to GAIN confidence. Find a girl that is OK with teaching you some things, some girls love that, and in turn get a loyal hot BF.

 

There are 1000 ways to get where you want to go, you just have to put yourself out there. And guess what you are going to fail.

 

But guess what, love is the most wonderful thing in the world, true love.

 

I have had way more than my share of women, and I am nowhere as pretty as I used to be, and I have always done fine.

 

Guess what, sleeping around can be a lot of fun, but at some point you want to be with someone that loves you, for you, just because of who you are.

 

I have found it, it took a while, but it is without a doubt the most wonderful thing in the world...

 

So stop making excuses and go live your life. Get your heart broken, get laid, have fun, skin your knee, because brother...

 

YOU ONLY GET ONE LIFE...

[ffar]

@BluesPower thank you. Please do one more thing for me. Give me explanation of being confident, bacuse i never truly understood this.

[LurkerXX]

Yeah, I think it is natural for most to want to share life with friends, with significant others, ect. And noone with any sense or empathy would say something like that to someone in the throes of grief and loss (ie the comment about the child in an accident). The point is not to just be a fricken mouth breather, ya know. Live a little. I was never a good-looking women, and believe me, there are some opportunities for togetherness that come my way that would have been short-lived and would have been spirit breaking levels of unhappiness if I chose to undertake them. I have been open to a variety of things but not to that. Life is what you make of it.

[Chilli]

l think all that's just a lot of malarkey spread around all over the internet like most of the other garbage.

All though most of the internet seems to be US and l'm not in the states but they do certainly seem to have a lot of the attitudes you talk about.

Maybe it's the way there , don't know.

 

lt's nothing like you say here though , good relationships and love are respected and admired and worked on and most people in general would def' rather be with someone.