Are you happy in your affair?

[hayleym]

So many posts about feeling used, or feeling guilty.

 

Are any of you happy in your affair?

I am 99 percent of the time, and would love a supportive friend who relates.

[niteandfog]

I was! I'm in the minority though. My MM kept his word and left his wife within three months. I think I only was unhappy a couple of days within those three months but only because everybody was telling me how much he was lying and having his cake and eating and all of that... Which turned out to be untrue. I would have appreciated friends back then who would have given him the benefit of the doubt (I had a couple who did).

[AngelLove]

So many posts about feeling used, or feeling guilty.

 

Are any of you happy in your affair?

I am 99 percent of the time, and would love a supportive friend who relates.

 

What are your expectations from this? Did he promise to leave his wife?Are you satsfied with some fun only with no strings attached?

 

As for me ,no.I was never happy in my affair. My MM promised he was leaving his wife but a year later , nothing changed.It was a typical case of wanting to have a cake and eating it to.I have no intrest on being the OW indefinitely so I'm leaving

[William]

As a courtesy I reminded some members privately of what the topic is. I suggest reading the opening post and noting the forum it is posted in before forming responses and please do check those responses to ensure they are topical and respectful of the topic starter and subject matter. Thanks!

[somanymistakes]

No, I was constantly frustrated. There was no good way out of our situation without causing pain, that was true before the 'affair' even started. But I'm the sort of person who prefer "pick a path and deal with the consequences" over "waffle forever trying to have it both ways". Being in-between didn't make anyone happy.

 

At least in a normal affair I would have been getting wild sex and presents out of it!

[Vivir]

I was happy at the very, very beginning. I hadn't thought too much about the situation I had put myself in *at all*. It was simply about me and him, the two of us in our own little world. Yes, I do remember being sunshine-on-my-face happy for at least a few months. That lasted until I realized I wanted much, much more... more that it eventually turned out he couldn't but also *wouldn't* give.

[misspalmy]

not when he when home to his wife i wasnt i was in a bad place

[NomiMalone]

Me too I was happy in the first 2 months. Ridiculously happy and smitten. Then the rose-tinted glasses gradually disappeared as MM revealed who he really was - a selfish manipulator with zero moral boundaries, avoidant tendencies and very little emotional intelligence. Thinking back now, it was his lack of emotional intelligence that ultimately saved me - had he been empathetic, kind and comforting, or someone who showered me with flowers and extravagant lunches etc, I wouldn't have had the strength to walk away.

[grass-hopper]

It’s a roller coaster. Happy when he’s attentive and caring. Distraught when he’s distant and doesn’t call or text.

Most of the time very very unhappy

[hayleym]

I’ve had down moments to but usually just my own insecurity, I love him. No regrets.

[proseandpassion]

I was mostly happy in mine, on a very surface level. He lavished me with attention. I never had that situation where he'd go dark and stop talking to me. He texted me nonstop and we saw each other almost every day. But knowing I was in a dead end situation and approaching 40 frustrated me, plus being in secret and not living authentically or with integrity is not me.

[MissBee]

I was happy in the A sometimes. But what was lacking was contentment.

 

In general happiness for me is a fleeting emotions, today you can be happy, tomorrow sad, this hour I can be happy and in 3 hours something happens and I'm sad, emotions really do change, as they should, based on circumstances. I therefore tend to measure relationships based on contentment, which for me is more stable, where it's a more enduring and lasting feeling of satisfaction and stability, where even when I have good days and bad days, that stability is sort of the foundation and it's more of a peaceful feeling that there is this equilibrium I can return to.

 

I would describe it as, for example, that feeling you get where say you have a deadline or task to accomplish and you've procrastinated and went to do something fun with friends instead. You're on the beach, drinking, laughing, having fun but in the back of your mind you're thinking about that deadline and kinda worried about it and maybe even slightly anxious so you're not fully present. That to me was the A. Having fun, feeling happy sometimes, but still having this kind of anxious feeling like I'm putting off the inevitable. So I was never truly content.

[Heartwoman]

Mine has been really hard as he never admitted to his feelings because he was a close family friend. This made me feel confused finally he did admit to feeling the same but then would not make it physical which again made me doubt he felt the same.

Now he has decided to end things and I feel incredibly Lonley and miss him so much he's told me he's going to start dating i can see him online but he's asked me not to contact him or for me to tell him anything about me, but yet he still comes to visit the family. Its just awful as I really love him.

[emilyj]

I was happy for most of the 1.5 years our A went on. I didn't like the roller coaster of emotions so much, but him, us, the amount of time we were allowed to be together, the fun we had in just being together, all of it was worth it.

[Prudence V]

I was happy enough to marry him.

[Angelica21]

No, I was not happy in the A, and I ended it 100% no going back.

 

The secrecy was ruining my emotional health. The lack of a complete and fulfilled relationship was ruining my emotional health. The feeling of having no integrity was ruining my emotional health.

 

Ending was the best thing I ever did. My emotional health and self-esteem have already improved a lot, with more improvements to come.

[Artdeco]

I was! I still am, but now it’s an official R with engagement, so it’s different. I still love him, but tbh the A suited me better. Many more upsides compared to now.

[Fran20]

Yes I am for the most part. Would I be happier if it wasn’t a secret and we had each other one on one? Absolutely. The roller coaster of emotions and insecurities are bad at times, the thought of him home with his W is even worse. We have good conversations, the best sense of humor & jokes, the funnest dates (when we can get away and we have a lot of fun together no matter what we do and a lot in common. He makes me happy when we are together.

[NomiMalone]

I love the range of replies in this thread - all very valid, interesting and insightful!

[NomiMalone]

I was! I still am, but now it’s an official R with engagement, so it’s different. I still love him, but tbh the A suited me better. Many more upsides compared to now.

 

Artdeco - I know what you mean. An A personally suits me better too... all the fun, passionate stuff without the mundane routines of everyday life. I was an AP who never wanted the MM to leave their wife. There were many aspects of affair life I was very unhappy with (the anxiety, guilt and loss of self-respect), but being the "side piece" was never one of them.

[LondonFair]

I was happy in the A sometimes. But what was lacking was contentment.

 

In general happiness for me is a fleeting emotions, today you can be happy, tomorrow sad, this hour I can be happy and in 3 hours something happens and I'm sad, emotions really do change, as they should, based on circumstances. I therefore tend to measure relationships based on contentment, which for me is more stable, where it's a more enduring and lasting feeling of satisfaction and stability, where even when I have good days and bad days, that stability is sort of the foundation and it's more of a peaceful feeling that there is this equilibrium I can return to.

 

I would describe it as, for example, that feeling you get where say you have a deadline or task to accomplish and you've procrastinated and went to do something fun with friends instead. You're on the beach, drinking, laughing, having fun but in the back of your mind you're thinking about that deadline and kinda worried about it and maybe even slightly anxious so you're not fully present. That to me was the A. Having fun, feeling happy sometimes, but still having this kind of anxious feeling like I'm putting off the inevitable. So I was never truly content.

 

This resonates with me.

[I'mNotYours]

No, I was unhappy most of the time, but I don't regret it. I've learned a lot about what I want in a relationship and the difference between love and lust.

[emilyj]

I was happy in the A sometimes. But what was lacking was contentment.

 

In general happiness for me is a fleeting emotions, today you can be happy, tomorrow sad, this hour I can be happy and in 3 hours something happens and I'm sad, emotions really do change, as they should, based on circumstances. I therefore tend to measure relationships based on contentment, which for me is more stable, where it's a more enduring and lasting feeling of satisfaction and stability, where even when I have good days and bad days, that stability is sort of the foundation and it's more of a peaceful feeling that there is this equilibrium I can return to.

 

I would describe it as, for example, that feeling you get where say you have a deadline or task to accomplish and you've procrastinated and went to do something fun with friends instead. You're on the beach, drinking, laughing, having fun but in the back of your mind you're thinking about that deadline and kinda worried about it and maybe even slightly anxious so you're not fully present. That to me was the A. Having fun, feeling happy sometimes, but still having this kind of anxious feeling like I'm putting off the inevitable. So I was never truly content.

 

This resonates with me.

 

 

I feel the complete opposite. My A (now an open R) made me feel more content than I've ever felt. I've never felt so completely comfortable with anyone, from the very beginning. He makes me passionately crazy and is the source of all my calm. It's hard to explain.

[Aloha123]

I would say the highs are very high and the lows are very low, and that in my case, and for many others on these boards, the low times are far more frequent, and the high times are far more fleeting, especially the longer the affair drags on.

Except in those rare instances where the A turns turns into a legitimate relationship.

Edited September 15, 2018 by Aloha123

[jah526]

It was mostly terrible for me. It was actually probably the most abusive relationship I've ever been in. But there were times, especially early on, when I felt comfortable lying next to him with our arms around each other, him talking to me softly and sharing the peacefulness together in the middle of our hectic work day. I felt sort of protective of him then, and this little quiet respite we had.

 

But at some point I realized that he didn't care about me at all, and when I tried to get out he made me feel like a terrible person. I felt caught, and I guess I kept trying to get back to that nice, comfortable companionship I had with him in the beginning. Like chasing the initial high...

 

It's been over for a long time now but I still miss the person I thought was my friend, who was never really my friend, but just another con artist. Sad.