I Want My Ex Back, Again

[Shey]

Hi, this might be kind of long so I apologize ahead of time. Here's my situation...I dated this guy about 8 years ago, and we were together for almost 2 years. We were really close, together pretty much every day, and I was head over heels in love with him. I thought he was feeling the same towards me, but after being together w/ pretty much no problems at all for 2 years, he told me he had met somebody, and that he was getting close to her and so he broke it off w/ me. I was heart broken, and we got into a huge fight over the phone, and he ended up hanging up on me because I was cursing at him and was basically just really pissed.

We didn't talk for about a month after the break-up, which was a totally life altering thing for both of us since we were so used to being together all the time. Well one day, he showed up at my house and wanted to talk to me. He told me that he was sorry for what he had done to me, and that he never meant to hurt me...that he was just really confused about a lot of things in his life and didn't know what he wanted. I forgave him, and we were able to be friends after that, even though deep down I was still very hurt.

I ended up moving out of the area about 3 months after that conversation, and eventually fell in love w/ somebody else, got married, and had 2 children. I had only spoken to the before-mentioned guy once during this time, when he had called me out of the blue to see how I was doing, after about a year of no contact at all. He told me he was engaged, and I told him I was as well. We talked for about an hour, and it was really great to hear from him. He seemed happy to know that my life was going good, and when we ended the phone call, I was content.

Well, my marriage did not go the way that I thought it would...my husband was emotionally abusive towards me, and after almost 3 years I had enough and left him. I moved back to my hometown, and tried to pick up the pieces of my life and start over. During this time, I had heard through some friends that the guy I'm writing this about had actually gotten divorced and was now living back in the same town I was in. I contemplated trying to get a hold of him for about a month...just thinking about every possibility of what might happen if I did...I still had feelings for this guy, after all this time, and all I had been through. One night in Sept. of '03, I got up the nerve to call him, and we talked for a while. He was very surprised to hear from me, and when I told him I was living back in town, he insisted that he come over that night to see me and have us catch up. I was nervous as hell about it, but I said ok and told him how to get to my place. We talked for a few hours, and I felt very comfortable around him, and it was as if we had never been away from each other. I was very happy I had decided to contact him.

Anywayz, after that initial reunion, he started calling me regularly and stopping by at least once a week to hang out. On one of those nights, he told me "Not to rush us into anything here, but I really miss having you as my g/f ". We became intimate again, and the sex was better than ever. He also told me he "felt like he was falling in love w/ me all over again"...all this went on for about a month and a half, and then I got freaked out by it all and told him that I think we should "back up a bit" because I didn't feel I was ready for such a serious relationship...after all, I had just seperated from my husband a few months earlier. I was scared....I loved the guy but I was terrified of getting hurt by him again. He respected my wishes and stopped calling so much, and didn't stop by hardly at all. He also started seeing another girl a few months later, and just basically didn't seem hurt at all.

Well now it has been about 2 years since I moved back here, and I still see this guy a lot. He hangs out with the same people I do, and on occasion he will stop over or I will call him and we'll hang out together. When we're alone, it almost always leads to sex, as we are very good together and are both single, so it works out pretty well since we're already comfortable w/ each other.

I have spoken to him previously, about 7 months ago, about us possibly trying at a relationship again. At that point in time, he was depressed and said that he wasn't looking for anything serious at that time in his life, and that if circumstances were different, he'd say hell yeah we should try again. I let him know how I felt, and he basically told me "not right now." So, I backed off, and that is where we stand now...we are good friends, sometimes w/ benefits, and that is that...

My main problem here is that I still have deep feelings for him, and I feel as though we are about perfect for each other. I want to tell him I want him, but I am worried that if he doesn't feel the same way, it might drive him further away from me, which I don't want to happen. I guess I'm just looking to see if anybody out there thinks I should give it a shot again or not...thanx for any input u can give me.

[Shey]

Oh yeah one more thing to add to this...after I moved back into town, I talked to one of our close mutual friends, who informed me that after our break up, my guy had confessed to our friend that leaving me was the worst mistake he had ever made, and that he knew he had messed up big time. He has told several of our friends that he thinks I'm one of the most awesome girls he's ever met, and has never really ever said anything bad about me.

 

The thing is though, he is the type of guy who has been with A LOT of girls, though most of his relationships have only been short, 1-2 month flings. He is a huge flirt, and so it is difficult to tell if he is actually interested in more than just sex at times. I know that we have both used each other for sex in the past, and I was ok with it for awhile, but I'm not now, because my feelings for him are strong and I don't just want sex anymore, I want the whole package. How can I bring this up to him w/o freaking him out??

[Weird]

Wow, you two seem to both be having bad timing issues...he wants to be with you and you get scared and say no. You want to be with him but he is scared and says no. Man, that must be tough:(

 

I have no idea what to say about bringing it up to him other than just be honest. If you honestly tell him how you are feeling and he freaks out then something isn't clicking there but you know what? I am willing to bet even if you are honest and he freaks out a bit that he will come back wanting it in a short period of time.

 

All I know is your tale sounds like a movie and I hope it gets that happy movie ending.

 

I would suggest you guys stop having sex if you're not truly together.

[Shey]

Thanx so much for the reply Rob. I never really thought about it sounding like a movie, but yeah you're kinda right! Think I could sell it and make some money? LOL

 

Well I am going to see him tonight...called him earlier today to see what he was up to and he said that we could hang out later if I wanted to, so I am supposed to call him in about 5 minutes and we're gonna go out for coffee. Should be interesting....

 

And I know that it isn't healthy for us to continue having sex when we're not really a couple, it is just that I get lonely, as does he, and since we trust each other, we go to each other when that loneliness hits hard...but I will work on that and see if I can build up my defenses...it is just really hard for me to turn him down, because of how I feel about him...

 

But yeah, I am hoping for a "happy movie ending" too....guess I'll just have to see how it goes.

[jhurtinct]

I think (ome) you should come clean with your feelings for him, and tell him you would like some sort of a commitment from him for your future, and that you can still be friends just no more benifits without some sort of committing because its too hard for you.

 

If things work out terrific or you can pull away slowly and still have a good friend.

 

Remember the old sang Why buy the milk if you can get the cow for free;)

It could put a fire under him.

 

good luck

[Shey]

Well, here I am, back again lol...it has been 2 months since I last posted about this issue, but I feel the need to again.....him and I have been hanging out w/ each other a lot more often, like 3 or 4 times a week now. We have had some serious talks, and he has told me that he feels I am pretty much the "perfect" woman for him, but that he is scared of getting any more serious. When I asked him why he felt that way, he told me that he doesn't think he could bear it if something bad happened between us. Now, I don't want anything bad to happen to us either, but I still want us to be more than what we are currently. My feelings for him are very deep, and I want us to be committed to each other.

 

He has been acting differently towards me this past month...in fact he has told me he loves me on several different occasions...and I know he meant it differently than when he would say it to me before, because before, he would say "I love you, even if it is only as a friend", w/ a hug, and all that. Now, he is being very affectionate and sweet. He wants me to stay overnight at his house at least 2 nights out of the week, and he has been calling me almost every night. So things are looking up right?? Well, that is where I get a bit confused...

 

He has told me that he got a bit jealous when I went out w/ a couple of guy friends of mine last week, instead of going to his place...and that he didn't quite realize just how much he had been thinking about me until that happened. He has said to me that he talked to a friend, and told him that he sometimes thinks he should just marry me and make me his forever...and he told me this! The thing is, I can't really tell if he is just joking or half joking or what...

 

I know I need to have a talk w/ him and ask him if he'd like to take our relationship a step further...I KNOW my feelings on it...I definitely want to be closer, but I am scared of being rejected by him. If he tells me he isn't ready again or that he's still too scared, it would hurt me. I would feel kind of like a fool really...letting myself get attached to somebody who doesn't really want me the way I want them....

 

Last night really made me think about things...I was out having an early breakfast w/ him, and I ran into a girl I knew from a long time ago...she asked me if I was dating anybody right now, and HE was standing right next to me, and I kind of paused for a minute to see if he would step up and say anything, but he didn't...so I kind of looked down and said, no, I'm not dating anybody right now...and left it at that. But I honestly didn't know what I should say when she asked, because him and I ARE seeing each other, A LOT. I also know that there are some other guys interested in dating me, but I haven't paid much attention to them because I know who I want...but I haven't told them I'm seeing anyone either...not until I talk to him about it.

 

So anywayz, not really sure if I have any real questions or anything, but I needed to get this off my chest. Any input is always appreciated....