Girlfriend vs. Travelling

[zippedcube]

I’ve been with my girlfriend for over 3 years and it’s getting towards that point of marriage, kids, mortgage etc. I absolutely want this and see a bright and happy future together. However, before I settling down with her I want to do a career break and travel for a year around Australia and Asia. It’s something I’ve always wanted to do and it’s literally now or never. I was granted a 1-year working holiday visa for Australia just before I turned 31 last year and the deadline to use the visa is fast approaching. I love travelling together but I want to do a bit of solo travelling first, probably for a few months or so, then the idea is that my girlfriend joins me for the rest of the trip. I feel that travelling solo is a totally different experience to travelling as a couple and I want to experience a bit more of that before settling down.

 

The problem is that she doesn’t want to travel, she’s happy where she is and isn’t interested in it. We spoke about it when I applied for the visa and she was happy about the idea, now one year on she’s changed her mind. This has led to quite a lot of arguments in the past months and she says that I’m selfish for wanting to go to another country for potentially a whole year. As home and Australia are opposite sides of the globe, regular visits aren’t an option.

 

She says that if I go travelling she will end the relationship, but I know that if I don’t go I’ll absolutely regret it for the rest of my life. This is something I’ve thought about doing for the last decade – I know I should have done it in the past when I was single but I never had the money and was building up experience in a career. She says that if I loved her I wouldn’t even consider going to another country without her. I do love her and want to travel together but it’s her decision if she comes. I really don’t know what to do, I can’t think of a good compromise and she’s heavily trying to persuade me not to do it, or to at least postpone the trip for another year – which I can’t because of the visa! I could get a three month tourist visa but it’s not long enough time and I want to get a taste of working and living in another country.

[d0nnivain]

Go traveling because like you said you will regret it forever if you don't go. If you & she are meant to me, she will forgive you. If she doesn't then you know she wasn't the right girl for you.

[somanymistakes]

Accept that you will likely at best be 'on a break' during the trip. Either you or she may meet someone else and be tempted.

 

Putting it off will not make things any easier, if you really want to go you should go now.

[Happy Lemming]

Go traveling because like you said you will regret it forever if you don't go. If you & she are meant to me, she will forgive you. If she doesn't then you know she wasn't the right girl for you.

 

100% Agree with "d0nnivain" on this!!

 

The time is right for your adventure. This chance to travel comes around once in a lifetime. Do it while you are young and can enjoy yourself.

 

Personally, I was very nomadic in my youth. I had so many great adventures. I lived my life, my way and didn't let anything get in the way. No regrets, whatsoever!!

[bathtub-row]

It's my belief that if a person really loves you, they won't try to hold you back from your dreams. However, if I were dating someone who wanted to do this - even though I'd totally understand it - I would set him free. Not because I would be angry about it but because he would need to be unencumbered completely to truly enjoy and grow from the experience. What if you meet someone, want to connect, but have all those guilt feelings about cheating? In a year's time, that's very likely to happen.

 

A year isn't really that long to wait for someone and I don't think it's the amount of time that's significant. I think what is significant is that you need to be emotionally free. I hope you do not even consider not doing this. You will ALWAYS wonder what might have been. So do it. If you and your gf were meant to be, it'll happen sometime down the road. But, you have another road to travel and, trust me, most people do not ever get this kind of opportunity. Cherish it!

[Guildford]

I must agree with your girlfriend. She does not like to travel, certainly not for that distance or length of time, and she has a right to demand that you must choose between her or Australia. If you remain a couple and you go to Australia, she is facing one year without companionship, one year of declining a relationship with any other man who is interested, and one year of having no idea of what you are doing. She is thinking about marriage and a family and you are thinking about a one year sabbatical from your job and relationship with your girlfriend. It is decision time, you can't have both so make up your mind.

[thefooloftheyear]

So, you've been with your girl for 3 years, and you now want to go away without her for months to a full year? Yeah, don't expect her to stick around and wait for you to come back. That is the sort of thing you do before you meet the girl you want to marry. It's not something you spring on her 3 years into the relationship.

 

You say you want to marry her, but you say you will regret things for the rest of your life if you don't take this trip. Obviously, this trip means much more to you than she does, which tells me that the best thing for you both is for you to take the trip and let her go find someone that will prioritize her over traveling.

 

 

I'm with this...

 

I don't really understand why someone would ever risk it(losing the other person)over something like this..Not that the trip wouldn't be a good and rewarding experience, but it's not like a "now or never or do or die" experience...You could do this another time....I am sure...people do it all the time...You are making this sound like you have 12 months to live...

 

I can tell you that there are plenty of women I know, that if the relationship was as serious or long term as you say, would tell you to get a one way ticket, help you pack, and drive you to the airport.....

 

TFY

[Mr. Lucky]

You say you want to marry her, but you say you will regret things for the rest of your life if you don't take this trip. Obviously, this trip means much more to you than she does, which tells me that the best thing for you both is for you to take the trip and let her go find someone that will prioritize her over traveling.

 

Makes sense. Ever read "The Gift of the Magi"? I won't spoil it other than to say a couple work out a problem in a way that clearly shows how they feel about each other.

 

If things were right for the two of you, this would resolve itself naturally. Either she'd be more excited about going, or you'd be more motivated to stay. That neither of you are willing to adjust tells you all you ever need to know.

 

Never been to Australia but have spent quite a bit of time in Asia. Bucket list, life changing experience...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Springsummer]

It's my belief that if a person really loves you, they won't try to hold you back from your dreams. !

 

Exactly.

 

I think the gf is very selfish too. if she really loves him, how could she let him live the rest of his life in regret? One yr is not long at all compare with the rest of his life.

[snowboy91]

OP I totally understand your predicament. This kind of situation is one of many reasons I broke up with my last partner.

 

You've been with this girl for 3 years so she's a really important part of your life. But travel is something you've always wanted to do, and you'll miss out if you don't act now.

 

Without wanting to push one way or the other, I'm just going to summarise: live your best life. Live life according to your own expectations and wants, and not anyone else's.

 

To me it feels like the only thing stopping you from spending a year travelling is your GF. She's trying to persuade you not to go despite agreeing to the idea some time ago. Travel and adventure are clearly important to you, so if you decide to go and you end up breaking up, you're actually giving yourself the chance to meet someone who also loves to travel. And she needs someone who is going to be happy to stay where she is. There's nothing wrong with that - it's just the sad reality.

[basil67]

Some posters are saying that your girlfriend is selfish - it's as they are saying that being selfish is a bad thing. Thing is though, we all have to look after our own needs. Just as you're looking after your needs, she's looking after hers. It's all fair. And if she knows that she's not going to be OK with you gone for a year, she owes it to both of you to be honest about how she feels. Let's face it: the alternative to her being 'selfish' is to lie to you and say that she's fine with it.

 

Thing is, if you really loved her, you wouldn't want to leave her for a year. End it. Go travel and have fun.

Edited August 15, 2018 by basil67

[somanymistakes]

I'm with this...

 

I don't really understand why someone would ever risk it(losing the other person)over something like this..Not that the trip wouldn't be a good and rewarding experience, but it's not like a "now or never or do or die" experience...You could do this another time....I am sure...people do it all the time...You are making this sound like you have 12 months to live...

 

He can't do this particular thing again ever because the working holiday visa is only available to people who aren't yet 31.

 

He will be able to travel to Australia later, yes, but he will never again be able to just go there and apply for a job at a store or a bar like a local would and really LIVE there.

 

This may not change your opinion but I just wanted to explain what part of it actually is now or never.

[thefooloftheyear]

He can't do this particular thing again ever because the working holiday visa is only available to people who aren't yet 31.

 

He will be able to travel to Australia later, yes, but he will never again be able to just go there and apply for a job at a store or a bar like a local would and really LIVE there.

 

This may not change your opinion but I just wanted to explain what part of it actually is now or never.

 

 

It doesn't....None of that would be worth it....To me...I don't know any guy that unless deployed by the military or a necessary job detail, would want to leave the companionship, sex, etc, from a woman they really cared about for even a few months, let alone a year.....Just wouldn't happen..

 

I might be more sympathetic if he was 22 or 24, but by 31 it's time to get your life going, anyway....If that's the goal...Otherwise dump the serious life partner, forget about marriage, kids, picket fence, etc, and just screw around for the rest of your life..No argument from me on that...

 

Life/relationships are about compromise....Pick your battles carefully...

 

TFY

Edited August 15, 2018 by thefooloftheyear

[Els]

Sounds like both of you are incompatible, if she doesn't want to do this with you and it's that important to you. In fact, it's probably even a long-term incompatibility, if you love travel and she dislikes it - even if you two weather a year apart, you'd spend the rest of your lives wanting to do markedly different things with your time.

 

 

I do think that the older you get, the more difficult it will be to uproot your life and go live in another country for a year - with a mortgage and kids it will be nigh impossible. Plus most countries restrict WHVs to people below 31 yo. So, if you are sure you want to do this, now's the time.

 

 

Don't leave your gf hanging though. She deserves your honesty - she's not a bad person and not selfish, she just prioritizes different things from you.

[MissBee]

I really believe that love doesn't take us from our path and it shouldn't stop us from growing, expanding or pursuing our dreams. You didn't make the decision single-handedly, you've invited her and even sought her input before getting the visa and she even agreed to go. It's her prerogative to change her mind, but it's not fair for her to then expect you to change yours and do what she prefers or threaten to end things because of it. I get her fears, but as I said, a relationship and love worth being in doesn't stop you from your dreams. It doesn't even seem like she has a good reason for not going, so I don't see why the compromise can't be what you originally agreed on. You want to be with someone who loves you enough to let you pursue your dreams and goals. I get that it's not always easy, but to me, if I love someone, I want them to do what makes them happy, as that will also help the relationship, as I know preventing them would lead to resentment and things degrading any way.

 

I'd tell you to go. Life is funny. I don't know the outcome for you two, but in my experience, the Universe has a funny way of bringing choices on our path. It's interesting that 3 years in and at the point of getting more serious you've chosen this and who knows, maybe doing this will give you a different perspective on your relationship. I don't think pursuing our dreams, especially stuff we feel passionately about or like we'll regret if not, is ever wrong and I believe that in following what feels right or that you feel strongly about usually leads you on the best path for you. Sometimes that means a relationship you thought was going to last ends, because in reality it wasn't what you should have locked yourself into to begin with and you look back like wow, thank goodness! Or it can be where doing this helps you all to be stronger. Either way, follow what feels best for you and I believe everything else will align around it.

Edited August 15, 2018 by MissBee

[gimlynick]

Hey there!

 

 

Well,

 

if she loves you she would let you go

<=>

If you love her you would stay

 

 

I went on a 6 month trip when I was in a relation, it went horrible wrong. I was missing her a lot, did not get the most out of my trip because of the missing, and behind my back she was cheating on me with multiple guys.

She only told me months after my return ( when we broke up ).

 

 

You change during traveling, it's possible that your relation would survive the travels, but that your relation is not anymore the one that it used to be...

 

Be carefull, if you really love her I wouldn't go... I wouldn't even think about it anymore

[d0nnivain]

The GF is allowed to want what she wants -- a guy who stays put & is working toward marriage at home now. There is nothing wrong with her dream.

 

However the OP wants to travel. If he stays for her I doubt their marriage will last because he will always resent her.

 

In his shoes, I'd apologize profusely but go anyway. While away I'd make attempts to stay in touch . . . texts, e-mails, Skype / face time, snail mail. If she'd be willing have her come to visit & perhaps he comes home at least once for a "vacation." It's one year, not forever. If you can keep in communication during that time, when you get home assuming your wanderlust is satisfied & that was the only lust in your heart or otherwise, you pick up where you left off & happily every after here you both come but is she wants only what she wants with no room to compromise then you two are fundamentally incompatible. In her shoes I'd be pissy & probably wouldn't be the nicest person leading up to his departure but I'd never hold him back.

[Ruby2018]

Hello everyone. I am the hero of this post and can see that some important things are missed in it:

- I am Russian who just moved to the UK less that 2 years ago. Before that we had a distance relationships for over a year.

Originally my boyfriend promised to move to the place where I decided to study in the UK. Later he said you would join me in the second year when I got the job in his country. So him coming to London (where I've got the job!) after my 1st year at uni was kind of a reason why I was moving there. He promised but didn't moved out from his town again. In a few months he told me about Australia. He changed his passport without telling me (I guess cause he wouldn't get a visa with an old passport with expiration date in 2018), then applied and got a holiday working visa without telling me either. He was just asking me to give you more and more and more and more time to make a decision, deliberately avoided conversations about Australia and decided to tell me about it 24 hours before announcing it to his boss. I still am a bit shocked and deeply upset. Being Russian is not that simple in the UK – you need to apply for Visa which cost a lot and I also have some other limitations. The same for Australia. Let alone the fact that it’s very stressful to change a country every 2 years. P.S. I do love travelling and actully travel much more than my boyfriend. And of course i would be happy to see Australia. Just a bit later.

[central]

Well, you can travel in 20 years when you get divorced, I suppose, like I did. Or, you can travel now, and then settle down - whether it's with her or someone else will sort itself out.

 

I suggest you take the travel option now, and let the rest sort itself out over time. Better yet, travel now, and then find someone else who will want to travel with you in the future.

[Mr. Lucky]

Originally my boyfriend promised to move to the place where I decided to study in the UK. Later he said you would join me in the second year when I got the job in his country. So him coming to London (where I've got the job!) after my 1st year at uni was kind of a reason why I was moving there. He promised but didn't moved out from his town again. In a few months he told me about Australia. He changed his passport without telling me (I guess cause he wouldn't get a visa with an old passport with expiration date in 2018), then applied and got a holiday working visa without telling me either. He was just asking me to give you more and more and more and more time to make a decision, deliberately avoided conversations about Australia and decided to tell me about it 24 hours before announcing it to his boss. I still am a bit shocked and deeply upset. Being Russian is not that simple in the UK – you need to apply for Visa which cost a lot and I also have some other limitations. The same for Australia. Let alone the fact that it’s very stressful to change a country every 2 years. P.S. I do love travelling and actully travel much more than my boyfriend. And of course i would be happy to see Australia. Just a bit later.

 

As they used to say, "and now, the rest of the story".

 

Thanks for posting this and welcome to LS. Did your BF tell you he'd posted this here and did he ask you to fill in the blanks? And if I'm reading this correctly, he's never joined you in London?

 

None of this changes the general assessment that the two of you see this very differently...

 

Mr. Lucky

[bathtub-row]

To OP’s gf — he’s made a lot of promises to you that he didn’t keep. It does you no good to try to force the issue about this trip, no matter how wrong and unloving he has been. He led you on, even deceived you, and now he has laid this in your lap. I think your choice is obvious. He’s not someone you can trust and he’s indifferent to the immigration issues you’re dealing with.

[Els]

Hello everyone. I am the hero of this post and can see that some important things are missed in it:

- I am Russian who just moved to the UK less that 2 years ago. Before that we had a distance relationships for over a year.

Originally my boyfriend promised to move to the place where I decided to study in the UK. Later he said you would join me in the second year when I got the job in his country. So him coming to London (where I've got the job!) after my 1st year at uni was kind of a reason why I was moving there. He promised but didn't moved out from his town again. In a few months he told me about Australia. He changed his passport without telling me (I guess cause he wouldn't get a visa with an old passport with expiration date in 2018), then applied and got a holiday working visa without telling me either. He was just asking me to give you more and more and more and more time to make a decision, deliberately avoided conversations about Australia and decided to tell me about it 24 hours before announcing it to his boss. I still am a bit shocked and deeply upset. Being Russian is not that simple in the UK – you need to apply for Visa which cost a lot and I also have some other limitations. The same for Australia. Let alone the fact that it’s very stressful to change a country every 2 years. P.S. I do love travelling and actully travel much more than my boyfriend. And of course i would be happy to see Australia. Just a bit later.

 

 

Sorry to hear this, OP's gf. (BTW, did he send this thread to you?)

 

Doesn't change my assessment that both of you are incompatible, though. You need someone who is in a stage of his life where he is able to make some degree of commitment to you (which immigration and closing the distance in a LDR necessarily entails). The OP is in a stage of his life where he wants to explore and "find himself". Unfortunately, those two really don't go together.

 

I also agree that he was wrong to treat you the way he did, if your summary is accurate.

[Ruby2018]

Sorry to hear this, OP's gf. (BTW, did he send this thread to you?)

 

 

Yes, he did. He even asked me to read it (probably to show that he is right about his decision). And from his point of view all my extra information is not important. I disagree cause when you spend your time, energy and money to move from one country to another to be together I think the last thing you would expect is your guy spanteneously running away to another part of the world. I feel upset that he made a decision without me. So I was just given a choice, I wasn't involved in the actual decision process.

 

I can't go not because I a manipulator. I have the whole list of impartial reasons including visa situation, again money, time, upcoming projects...

[Mysterio]

Looks like a break up in slow motion.

 

I guess for you. You probably think that if you break up with her. Its 3 yrs down the drain. When you come back after your trip. Its back to the drawing board when it comes to dating.

 

My vibe about you is that your going to have to break up with her. She is not Ms. Adventure to you.

 

The only compromise I think you could do is go on a mini 3 month trip. That she should have no problem with. Also. If you did go on the trip. Do you think you could go a whole yr, with out having a GF to make out and make love to and all the intimate stuff you do. What if you meet a woman that likes to travel.

 

My thing with you and her are this. Who ever conceeds looses. If I was in that choice for me I would go on a 3 month trip. I don't know why it has to be a yr.

 

So compromise and take a 3-4 month trip. If this woman really rocks your world and you don't think you could find another woman like that. She should be able to handle you gone for 4 months.

[PegNosePete]

Yes, he did. He even asked me to read it (probably to show that he is right about his decision).

I think more likely, he showed it to you as a kind of "dumping by LS"... since many responses say you're incompatible and should split up.

 

when you spend your time, energy and money to move from one country to another to be together I think the last thing you would expect is your guy spanteneously running away to another part of the world.

Absolutely! Look I get it, you've invested a lot into this guy and relationship, as you say, time, energy and money. And now you feel it's time to get some return on that investment. You want to protect it so it wasn't all a big waste.

 

But the thing is, that time, energy and money is already gone and you shouldn't let it affect your future decisions. It's the "sunk cost fallacy" and it's very common. It's the reason you keep playing online games even though you don't enjoy them any more. It's the reason you make yourself ill eating a whole meal you've paid for, even though you were full halfway through. It's the driving logic behind the Monty Hall problem. When you've invested into something you want to get your money, time and energy's worth out of it, even if it means investing more and more. But sometimes you're better off to cut your losses, to avoid losing more!

 

And at the moment this guy is looking like a very bad investment. After all the time, energy and money you've invested in your relationship, he's jetting off to the other side of the world without you. If that's what he really wants then it's his decision and you should let him go. But should you stay with someone who, after you invest all that time, energy and money, repays you by leaving you for a year in a foreign country that you only moved to to be together? I certainly wouldn't. If I were you I'd cut my losses.